The March-ers 2019 #5

[Angelmiracle]

Welcome to thread 5!!!

Check in March mamas to be 😊🤰🏼👣

Thread4

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/3336502-The-March-ers-2019-4

huge hugs, @villagefete. I can't imagine how hard that is - what a terribly cruel situation. Your scan looks lovely - what a gorgeous little button nose it has.

I want to say you must try to separate your grief and anguish from your feelings about your pregnancy; you don't know yet what the sex is and you don't know how she would feel about it one way or the other. I have lost two loved ones in the last 6 months and another has serious, scary health problems, and I have to say that this pregnancy has in some ways been quite sustaining and reassuring through that period. Life keeps springing up, love finds new ways to manifest. Loss just so awful, I can't downplay that, and none of this takes away from the fact that your friend's time is being stolen from her and her child and loved ones. but she will NOT resent you for having a boy. Whatever its sex, it will be a new source of love in your life and that's very precious.

Thinking of you and of her.

@villagefete I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I really am. Getting news like that is life changing, in so many ways. What she will most likely need and want from you now is normality, and just to be there for her and her son. She isn't likely to be envious or jealous of your pregnancy, even if you do have a boy, because you can't do anything about it and it sounds like she has been very unlucky health wise and life unfortunately just isn't fair. Let her share your excitement rather than blocking it off as that's just treating her differently due to one aspect of her life. She's still the same person behind the cancer.

I'm in a vagualy similar position but my cancer isn't malignant yet, so definitely not the same as your friend, even though it will change at some point. I know that I'm very unlikely to see my baby grow up but as to when I die, that remains to be seen, as it does with all of us. But I don't want my friends, family or the hospital to treat me any differently and I'm not jealous of the people around me who will get to see their babies grow up because I've realised that I can't live life like that because it won't change what's happening to me so I just want, and need, to carry on as normal. That doesn't mean I don't cry, and depending on your friend's situation, she may need you to cry on... But she will most likely just want you to be normal and treat her and her son like you always have done.

You also need to ensure that you're getting the right support, as supporting someone through this will be incredibly draining. Is there anyone else (friends etc) that you can talk to about how you're feeling? Life just is so unfair. There's no other way of putting it.

So sorry to hear you're struggling @Villagefete although good news on the scan. I lost a good friend to cancer in her 30s who left behind her 5 year old son and another friend who left 4 children between 10 and 17 last year so I know how heartbreaking it can be, even more so when you're pregnant and more emotional anyway. It's horrendous when parents have to leave children but they are more resilient than we give them credit for I think.

As @ladycarlotta said do try and separate your pregnancy from her situation as much as you can and try to enjoy it, particularly after your long road to get her, although aware that easier said than done.

@villagefete What a tough situation for all involved. I think ladycarlotta and cardboard33 have already said it much better than I could, so I haven't got much to add. But of course the shock of it will be with you right now as it's so imminent and I think it's natural that your emotions are getting tangled up - they're both such emotional experiences. I hope you can find time to process the grief as it comes and find some joy and reassurance in the pregnancy in time. It's not fair at all, but I've found that life always has some balance somewhere of loss and new growth and life, and it's ok to mourn the former whilst embracing the latter. That said, don't guilt trip yourself if your emotions are messy and blurred at the moment. They don't need to make sense to anyone but you.

Many hugs to you - and such a beautiful scan.

I’m so sorry @VillageFete, that’s heartbreaking. There are some very wise words above. I don’t have much to add but I’m sure your best friend will be happy for you. Your good news doesn’t change her shitty situation.

@VillageFete I’m so sorry about your friend it’s awful news and an awful time but I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to be feeling like that.
Life is blooming hard and cruel at times

@VillageFete so sorry to hear your news. That's awful and must be incredibly difficult. Everyone has said things so brilliantly that I can't say much more that will help but wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Your scan is lovely, sending hugs xx

Sorry to hear your news @VillageFete.

Has anyone thought about what they're going to do work-wise after they have the baby?
I'm completely torn!

@VillageFete there's not a lot more I can say what others haven't already said but didn't want to read and run. So sorry you're feeling so conflicted but please do not feel guilty about your situation. All you can do is be there for your friend. What a horrible situation and life is just too cruel. I'm pleased you had a lovely scan and do look after yourself and most importantly be kind to yourself xx

Sorry to hear your news @villagefete - the others have covered my thoughts too.

@AssumeItWasSomethingClever I never went back after DS. It's been really hard at times to never get a break but equally financially we would have been worse off so didn't seem worth it. It's much harder being a sahm than I could ever have imagined, but like everything it is a case of going into it with open eyes and knowing you have made the best decision you could (I have never really regretted it though it has been really tough). My sister in law was a bit torn but as she now says she got to the point where she couldn't give any more to DN and work for 3 days refreshes her.

@cardboard33 I hope you’re wrong and you absolutely do see your beautiful baby grow up and kids of his/her own! So much love and good wishes to you.

Thank you everyone, all your replies are just what I needed to hear I HUGELY appreciate them.

I was going to send her this scan pic, what do you think? I was adamant boy this morning and worried it might upset her, as crazy as that sounds, but this scan looks a bit girly. Desperate to know if it’s male or female! I’m sure she’ll be thrilled for me regardless.

@Assumeitwassomethingclever I went back 3 months after I had DS as it made the most financial sense for DH to be home as his parental leave with work was better than mine! Work situation is different now though and want to take much more time with DS and the new baby, ay least 9 months.

@Villagefete to me that scan still look pretty girly but I reiterate that I'm no expert! Glad we did what little we can to reassure you.

@assumeitwassomethingclever I'm an odd case because I am a sole trader creative, and when I sell a load of work I tend to continue to see returns on it over about a two-year period. Hopefully I can do a few more projects and then be able to live off that money for a while, so I'm going to hand most of my parental leave over to DP. We'll effectively both be home, but hopefully when baby becomes less dependent on me I can do some projects/travel for a few work events if need be.

We're really lucky to be able to do it that way.

@AssumeItWasSomethingClever I freelance, but am going to take 12 months off then reassess things. Incredibly lucky that DP earns enough for this to be an option, but I don’t like the thought of fully relying on him long term?

@AssumeItWasSomethingClever I'm taking 12 months off and then decide with OH what we do then. He says there may be an option for me to work part time if my work allow it. I see how much childcare is for my friend who has started back at work and not sure whether it'll be worth going back!

I went back to work full time after I had dd I had just over 12 months off.
My parents have her 2 days a week, mil 1 day and nursery 2 days it’s hard work and mornings are s military operation but dd adores her time with her grandparents and loved nursery and I like being me during the week and not just Mum.

I took a photo of a leaflet I saw in a hospital about the flu vaccine.

Sending love your way @VillageFete. Just want to reiterate what others have said that you try to separate the two, I recognise that's hard. Slightly different but a really good friend of mine had her scan a week before me and they discovered her baby had a genetic issue passed down from dad. They had to terminate the baby. I found it VERY hard to separate the two and struggled to feel excited about our scan when she was in such a bad place. It's so hard. Sending you positive thoughts.

I will probably go back after 9 months but we will see. I really have no idea what I'll do. It actually terrifies me...

@VillageFete I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, I lost my dad to Bowel cancer and know how hideous it is watching someone die from it, I was pregnant with my eldest when we found out, it's quite the emotional roller coaster being heartbroken and happy at the same time.
All you can do is be there for her, be yourself.

I feel like I'm weeing all night long at the moment, still exhausted and struggling to sleep due to the most surreal dreams.

Had loads of stretching belly pains today at work, I'm massive lol

@villagefete im so sorry, I can understand your feelings being so conflicted and jumbled up with 2 such massive things happening in your life. I know it’s not the same but I was the child left behind when my Mum passed away of cancer, I was 11 and my sister was 6. It was very difficult, but we got through it and out the other side. It’s part of our lives but hasn’t defined it if that makes sense? As someone sensible said above children are amazingly resilient. By no means am I trying to detract from the horrible -ness of this situation, but just offering my experience I guess. All your feelings are completely valid and do feel free to let them out here whenever you need to xx

@villagefete I’m so sorry. Be kind to yourself and take time to reflect - you sound like a lovely friend. It’s so sad when people are so ill and there’s nothing you can do.

@badbadbeans that’s so lovely of you to say re our result! I don’t know you but you’ve been so supportive on this and other threads, and it’s really lifted my spirits, so thank you. We are so happy. One of the best parts has been telling family - my mum especially was so excited and rang today to say she’s bought the baby a cardigan! I think she wanted to mark the news in some way.

I’m another one whose bladder is working overtime. Also, has anyone else found they can’t eat as much as they used to in the evenings? I find I’m starving but then feel full after 1/3 of my usual dinner. We went out tonight and I couldn’t eat what I usually do and am now in bed sitting up wondering where the Gaviscon is! Pregnancy isn’t fun is it.

@Villagefete I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Life is very cruel-we've had a couple of young family members leave kids behind due to cancer it is so heartbreaking 💔

The nausea has really been bothering me today I'm fed up with it. Could not think of 1 thing to make for dinner that would interest me so made do with a bowl of porridge 🙈

@VillageFete I'm so sorry to hear this about your friend, as the others ha e said please take care of yourself as well as her.

@cardboard33 you are so unbelievably strong, I don't know how you are coping with all that.

@Nightmanagerfan I'm having the same problem with eating.

I took a year with DD then returned four days a week, will likely do the same this time. Luckily DD will be entitled to 30 hours funding by then.

@Nightmanagerfan yes I’m wasting so much food because I make it then either don’t fancy it or I’m to full