Pregnancy after loss: spring 2019 edition (The Brexit Babes) 🐧

[PassTheAfterEights]

Extra supportive pregnancy journey thread for grads of the penguin huddle and anyone due spring 2019 after a long and bumpy road.

All welcome 🐧

Thread commandments:

Thou shalt share and not apologise for any neurosis or worry

Thou shalt shuffle immediately to the centre of the huddle when feeling vulnerable or hopeless

Thou shalt share all photographs and good news and celebrate raucously that of others

Thou shalt not apologise for TMI, or pearl-clutchy words and language

Thou shalt add your handle, age, number of DC and EDD when joining the thread to roll call so we know where everyone is (thanks!)

May our beans snuggle down, heads stay steady & the elastic on our waistbands quickly snap x

@Pancakes7 glad you are relieved.

I'm still strangely emotionally detached? I think I prefer it that way. I've got months to bond with it so I'm not going to get hung up on it now. I still feel I won't know more until 12 weeks (or when I have the NIPT done...) so as we all know it's a couple of steps forward and just more waiting! Nice to have good news. It's completely alleviated the anxious feeling and has just left me feeling neutral, but that's kind of positive.

@frankiefumbles I'm feeling alot happier. I'm still cautious, but I'm feeling much more positive. I'm past when it stopped last time. As they think it stopped at 6 weeks. I'm thinking I might book another scan for 9 weeks. DH says its a waste but I want to check its ok again. I will pay for it myself. I think once I have 12 week scan I'll feel better too. Only 5 weeks to go. I have midwife appointment on Monday. So should get my scan date next week. I got it really quickly last time. When is your midwife appointment?

Congratulations on your scan @Pancakes7! 🎉Is great news!
Love the little gummy bear analogy so cute 😍
I'm still finding myself a little cautious/anxious despite being over the 12 weeks dating scan threshold now (13+6 weeks today). Still feeling so scared that will end up being a late mmc at next scan or something 🙈 been scared to start telling people at work- had a big work do last night and did tell a few people though, thinking will have to tell everyone next week sometime as will start to become obvious soon. Not sure If feelings are in part to do with my second MC due date yesterday as well. Really thought I'd stop feeling like this after dating scan guess it will just take some time to relax & trust I guess. Anyone else around same stage & felt similar? Feel bad as cautiousness is making me feel a bit detached & so want to just relax, enjoy and try to bond more now. Hope everyone's doing well & sending love to those battling the dreaded sickness! Xxx

Firstly, huge congrats on your successful scan @Pancakes7. Brilliant news.

@Jessabean. That's great you are past the 12w mark and can officially start telling people. I'm counting down the days until I can do the same (only 7+4). Time is moving at record slow pace. My friend told me that miscarriage ruins pregnancy forever more, and it's entirely natural to doubt every subsequent pregnancy, right up until you are physically holding your baby. This is just the way it goes. My friend had two MCs (one quite late), but went on to have 3 healthy and perfect children. You being detached is just a coping mechanism, and totally understandable in my option. But when your baby finally comes, you can breath a sign of relief and all those loving hormones will override all your worry ones.

Hey everyone, so pleased to see all the lovely news about people’s scans!!... So happy for you all.
I’ve been down to my sisters this weekend to tell my friends and family our news. I too was a bit reluctant to tell anyone yet @Jessabean because I still can’t believe it’s happening but there’s no way I can hide it any longer, I’m 14+5 today and feeling huge. Everyone was so pleased and excited for us. I think telling people has helped, it feels completely real now and I’m actually starting to believe this is actually happening.

Thank you @gemwhitt. @Jessabean and @Maydot So lovely that you're over the 12 week mark. I am hoping the next 5 weeks go quickly. @Maydot Lovely you told your friends and family. We have told our parents and my brother and sister in law plus close friends. Only because they were all there for us through our tough patch this year. It has helped me feel more relaxed that I'm not keeping it secret from the people I'm close to. Not telling anyone else and work till 12 week scan though. Feeling really nauseous still. Food all tastes weird. Just been eating dry frosties which I managed. Been craving a cheese sandwich too. Think I'll make one. Anyone else struggling with food?

Omg @Pancakes7 I'm having dreadful food aversions! I nearly threw up watching an advert for chicken dippers! I'm all over the place! Trying to make meals for my family is impossible. I feel so sick all the time and particularly bad when I enter the kitchen or smell food. I'm also having trouble brushing my teeth as it makes me sick! I'm in cyclizine but I don't think they are doing much to help 😞

Congratulations on everyone for their successful early scans. So pleased and relieved for you all.

Sitting at 17+2 here and still have moments of nerves that it's too good to be true. I've had a stressful week and a busy weekend as my Mum has had major abdominal surgery to remove a tumour (went brilliantly - tumour removed cleanly and non-cancerous) which has been weighing on my mind but also been a distraction. I've started buying little bits and pieces like bottles, dribble bibs etc. Have our 20 week scan in 2 weeks!

@kisses4u Oh no, that must be so difficult. My DH has been cooking but I haven't been able to eat much. Managed as cheese roll earlier. Dreading going back to work, feeling like this. @HidCat Wow 17 weeks is amazing. Not long till your gender scan, so exciting. Sorry to hear about your Mum. But I'm glad it all went ok.

My problems are my appetite has really reduced only managing a little bit of food but then an hour or so later I start feeling sick as I’m hungry. Also I keep wanting meat.

@hidcat how exciting, hope the next two weeks fly by so your scan is here quickly.

@kisses4u I have an aversion to breaded chicken at the moment too amongst other things.

@martydog how are along are you?

xxx

7 weeks @dreaminofholidays

@Pancakes7 it'll be 24 Oct which places me at close to 10 weeks.

Right here right now I feel like my life is totally over. FOMO. I think the reality is that it's 14.30 here but it's normally midnight or so, so I'm probably just in the middle of a massive hormonal tired sobbing mess. I need to revisit the topic when I'm less hormonal, if indeed that's what's going on.

Walking through all the different places yesterday while I was travelling was just horrendous, all sorts of smells that smelt to me the the stinkiest gag-worthy smells from hell. I'm sure it didn't smell at all.

But jeez. The pregnancy thing is just a barrel load of laughs

@frankiefumbles I'm the same. Everything makes me feel sick. It was our 1st Wedding Anniversary yesterday. But with the scan we both forgot. I spent it on the sofa in my joggers 🙁 had a cry over me always feeling sick. But I know it's worth it.

Thanks @Maydot @HidCat & @gemwhitt
Is good to know it's not just me. Think your friend is right miscarriage/pregnancy loss really does kinda ruin the experience of future pregnancies a bit. I have a couple of friends who are also pregnant at the moment (first pregnancies) and speaking to them they have had absolute belief that all will be ok- even in the early days - I envy them of that really. Know it's only natural after previous experiences but still going to keep trying to think more positive though. Am sure it will gradually get a bit easier as things progress. Can't wait until can feel definite movements- wasn't sure if I felt one the other day when I moved on my side suddenly- was like a little internal somersault to one side- but haven't felt anything since so might have just been gas! 😂
Congrats @HidCat that all is going strong at 17 weeks. Exciting that is not long to your 20 weeks scan. Also so pleased for you that your mum's surgery has gone well/was good news- must be a big weight off your shoulders.

Sorry for those with nausea/food aversion problems. Feel for you has only been in the last week or so that mine has gradually eased off and has made realize now it's gone how awful it really was!

@Jessabean lol at gas!!

@Pancakes7 I made the mistake of posting elsewhere on mumsnet re DH and telling the stepkids and ( I feel) I've had a massively harsh response from everyone. He's not a shit dad but it doesn't come intuitively to him and I feel like the mumsnetters just bundled on the pile and gave him (and me) a royal slapping. We clearly aren't as perfect as they all are. Admittedly I was a bit hormonal and was harsh on him in the original post saying he's a bit slack on domestics (which he is!!!) and I was scared I'd be left holding the baby. But..isn't everyone? In their weaker hormonal moments? Doesn't everyone fear...maybe it's just me going nuts. I feel like they were a step away from asking me why did I even consider marrying him if he isn't perfect in every aspect and has baggage. Jeez. Maybe he should have been left to rot in lonely squalor. Lols.

I'll try again on another occasion but I just wanted ideas on how to tell the stepkids (ideally I want to wait as long as possible) because their mother is an obtrusive git and hasn't been very nice to me. After DH and I got married, DSS felt unable to visit us for weeks afterwards because his DM had made such a song and dance about it and got upset. She then changed the children's double-barrelled names at school without even mentioning it to us, because apparently neither child wants to share a surname with me. Neither kid has an issue with me, it's her creation and the 9yo is just a lazy sod who would obviously prefer a short surname over a double barrelled one. DH and ex weren't even married and she dumped him (and had an affair and didnt admit the first kid wasn't his for almost 9 years). Yawn. It's all too complicated for my tired brain to deal with but I know we've got to be careful with telling the stepkids and then in integrating the two families once baby arrives.

And at the moment I don't want my baby-to-be to be exposed to any of that angst (I feel that's legit) and I kind of just want to hide at my parents when the baby is born, because I don't want to have to deal with the fallout from the ex. I know I'm not the only one in this position and that I'm not being totally outrageous but clearly I wrote my post when I was upset and it came across wrong. And I look like a dick. And hubby looks like a double dick. And not in a good way. (End of rant)

@frankiefumbles Oh no thats harsh. Sometimes you just need a good rant. Well no judgement here. I can understand why you don't want to tell your step kids if their Mum is like that. I hope she doesn't cause trouble. I've bought some sickness bands to help with the nausea. Had my midwife booking in appointment yesterday. She's really nice. Managed to take my blood so I'm glad that's done. Last time the midwife tried both arms but couldn't do it. I had to go see the phlebotomist. Excited for my scan date to come through soon. Hopefully this week. When is your booking in appointment?

8 weeks today and the nausea has ramped up significantly. Not actually being sick but just the constant nausea is debilitating. This time around eating seems to make it worse whereas eating used to settle in previous pregnancies.

@frankiefumbles I read your thread and thought you got a really hard time. I understood what you meant but I think you have to be in a similar situation to understand how difficult it is.

I have 2 teen step daughters and their mum is still sticking her oar in even though her and dp split 12 years ago. When we had ds 16 months ago she kicked off big time and started texting dp every few days telling him if he dares reducing the child maintenance she’ll make his life hell, but then bought a shit ton of stuff for ds when I had him - clothes, toys, - it was a bit, weird!

We told them at 17 weeks with ds as it was Christmas so we just got them a sister Christmas card. We didn’t tell the step kids about the pregnancy that I miscarried in April (I was 11+3) but planned to at 20 weeks.

This time I think we’ll do the Christmas card thing again - I’ll be around 20 weeks at Xmas (hopefully) and their mum can go fuck herself.

I’m a bit wary of telling my own older dc - they’re 13 and 15 and knew about the pregnancy I lost, and my son was devastated - it took him longer than me to accept it so I think I’m going to hold off and tell them around Christmas too. Although I think my daughter has guessed - she was querying why there was still so much sanpro left this month so I made up a lie that I’d bought some more on offer and she gave me the side eye.

@frankiefumbles people can be bastards on here. I think waiting as long as possible to tell them is a good idea, but how long that is depends on how quickly you begin to show. I'd just make sure they know before their Mum finds out as she sounds like she might try to convince them that Daddy won't want them once baby arrives (I've seen it happen).

Having such a shit time I have had enough. Was feeling anxious anyway after previous losses and I'm petrified of another mmc. Scan tomorrow. My car has just been smashed into and damaged so I have no transport lost my dad earlier this year and I just want a cuddle from him. What else can possibly go wrong this year! So angry at life don't think I could take anymore negatives to be honest. :(

@HalfBloodPrincess I'm hoping that DSD will come for Christmas and we can tell her then at the same time as DSS, when I'm about 18 weeks. I feel that's quite a good time. But tbh with the way she's being at the moment I don't think she will decide to come. I feel we might be accused of ruining their Christmas though... I'm glad to hear you're got a similar scenario going on.

It's all so complicated and I really like the simple life. Our situation is so long winded and complex I should have known better than to post it on mumsnet but in that moment I was tired and a bit lost and I needed to vent. I think maybe I came across badly too, because DH isn't a total idiot. I was crying hysterically at the time. He just is time strapped and being a dad doesn't come naturally to him. That doesn't mean he's bad though. He's actually very similar to my dad. His heart is in the right place but he's a bit useless without guidance and without my mum to help my dad, dad wouldn't have ever got anything done.

What did you do in the card to tell them? Just the merry Christmas from your little brother/sister? I've heard some people do a present from baby to step kid but feel that's a bit forced. We will know gender then and I think 18 weeks is quite a good time. It's not too late to make it look hidden but it's far enough on to be fairly secure. Honestly though the thought of what his ex will say brings tears to my eyes.

@HidCat the only way I can see this working is to tell the kids simultaneously, and then tell their mother whilst the kids are with us (IE literally all it would say is Dear DM, just to let you know, we have told the children that we are expecting). She's already played the "I hope you don't forget us when you have your new family" card. I had been so so hopeful we could work together. I can understand why DH and ex don't get on because there is so much history, but I thought I could have a fresh start with her and work together towards making things better for the kids. But it's all gone wrong and I get in such a state when I have to collect the kids from her house or have to contact her for some reason because it always escalates. I'm just not that person. I hate escalation. Anyway. Fingers crossed things will develop naturally. Moving on. I realise this is well off topic.

@xJune88 So sorry to hear you are having such a shit time. The tiredness and sickness and hormones makes everything seem even worse. I hope your scan goes well tomorrow and you might get a little reassurance from that. There is a positive in this though - you have been able to conceive again and hopefully you will get some positive news tomorrow and you can start to dare to believe things might be okay xx

@Pancakes7 24th Oct. Sorry! Got caught up in my self pitying echo chamber!

That's a really lovely idea to tell them at Christmas. Our parents and my brother and sister in law know. Think we will tell others after 12 week scan. Also the tests you need to wait for confirming all is ok. I think we might wait for this too. I'm not sure. When will you all tell work?

@frankiefumbles Yeah just a basic card with to my sister on the front, and signed ‘can’t wait to meet you from your baby brother/sister’ and that was it. No present but I had a 4d scan at 26 weeks and all the kids got a bear with his heartbeat in.
We didn’t tell their mum, they did. It’s not really any of her business.

@frankiefumbles my teens guesses the second I ordered a decaf latte. Beginning of September.....

10 weeks yesterday still losing the brown stuff. But now less worried about it.

Little bit pissed off with dp. He has been amazing but this is his first and he's 100% set on giving a boy his name. Which I can live with and would find a way with middle initials to make it mine then he said he wanted to give middle name too after his grandad! Then when discussing girls names he was really rude and dismissed my choices. My older children are mixed race asian and I want a name which matches with them.

Just feel like a surrogate! I'm the carrying vessel but not allowed any input on this. I wouldn't mind but naming my older children was a mega battle also!
Do I not matter in my opinion?!!!

Don't know why this had pissed me off a healthy pregnancy and baby is all that really matters.....right?

Midwife booking in appointment thursday.
And I'm in bitch mode! My mood is off! Think I need a good walk or sex even to sort me out!

Thanks for letting me vent!

@xjune88 have you had your scan yet? Hope you’re ok x