pug - huge congratulations! I'm so sorry you had to go through all that hideousness. Enjoy your beautiful baby now. From my own experience, I'd recommend that you don't discount getting some counselling or at least a sit down with a midwife to talk through what happened once you feel able. ( This might not be for literally a couple of years). I was able to put a horrific birth experience behind me, but it was only after we ended up at Relate 3 years on! Didn't stop me bonding, adoring and loving every minute of my wonderful little boy though and I'm sure your beautiful boy x