Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Oh whohas I've just read your post from this morning I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. Keep breathing if y manage to do nothing else just breathe.
When I first lost my little one a friend of mine said that the worst and most difficult of days are actually a good thing because we are feeling and processing all of our sadness and fears. As awful as they are they are a sign of our love for our precious children. I am sending you the biggest of hugs x

Thank you 3 I'm being kicked to bits by pud at the moment I'm sitting here with tears running down my face trying to stop before any one else wakes up :( :( :( xxx

Morning all :)

Been absent for a while so got lots of reading to catch up on!

It was DDs birthday yesterday..spent it with DH. We lit a candle at the time she was born and bought her a 1st birthday card to put in her memory box. Writing it out was really sad - we just wrote that it had been a year since we last saw your beautiful face, we talk about you often, keep your photos on the walls, we miss you, we love you.
It was quite emotional as DH is beginning to open up and speak about her more with me, and to see his grief (which he hid for so long) is sometimes quite painful, but nice.

My old pregnancy forum due date group sent me a few gifts alongside the biggest bouquet of flowers I've ever received, with some flower choices that are particularly special to me & DD: hydrangeas, gerbera's, peonies..

I found entering the month of July a lot harder than her actual birthday because it was filled with such high hopes for our future and we were ignorant to the pain that was coming.

We've survived our first year without her. Sometimes it feels like it happened to somebody else, but then I look at her tiny urn on my bedside table and remind myself that I was lucky enough to have a daughter for those precious 9 months of pregnancy, and what a beautiful baby girl she was.

whohas

Who has get in the cave did you do anything to mark the occasion? X

3, I think everyone greives (sp ) completely differently. Being pg after a loss is definitely very difficult and I think it complicates the grief. I found the 12 week scan v difficult too, I think it's because before loss, the 12 week scan is exciting, now we know that it can go horribly wrong . Unfortunately I didn't find they got easier at all. Even the later ones I would be sat in the waiting room feeling ds kick and wriggle and was still convinced that by the time I got in he would be gone, or there would be something wrong but I am anxious anyway. Have you got someone going with you to help with the nerves? X

Winter, that sounds so lovely, I wish I had got a card for dd x

I had a candle lit for her and sat and sobbed holding her blanket :( :( :(

Hello all, busy week for me so loads to catchup on. Sorry if I miss anyone

whohas, big hug to you today, and for yesterday too. Get in the cave, take some quiet time to cry and remember eve. Then you can take a deep breath and realise that the same thing has NOT happened. Fingers crossed you'll start to feel that glimmer of hope very soon.

Zombie, so sorry to hear you're having money and job wobbles. There's nothing I can say, other than I know you are a strong lady and will find a way to make it work for your family.

Congrats to April for meeting 24+5. You'll be well into week 25 by now. Woohoo! Can you feel him kicking much yet? (don't worry if not – it seemed very on and off for me until around 28 weeks). Interesting article on the fetal cells too. Actually, that's how the Harmony test works, if anyone had that – they can now isolate those fetal cells from mums blood and test them for the chromosome defects, rather than having to do invasive CVS or amnio. I'd not heard of all those health benefits though.

3little, your counsellor sounds a bit rubbish TBH!! Scans will always be scary, but you don't sound like you are in denial to me. I cried loads, but very very rarely infront of others. Love your friend describing the worst and most difficult of days. I would ditch the counsellor and talk to your lovely friend instead!

Winter, wow, what a lovely lovely idea about the birthday card. I wish I'd thought of that.

Lake, I sometimes feel similar about MW appointments, esp when we get so much care from consultants etc. But at scans they can't see how YOU are doing – if they don't do BP or wee (which they don't at my hospital scans). I guess we shouldn't forget that things like pre-eclampsia etc are much more common than our own previous issues, so need to keep the basic checks going even though we have scans as well.

Kayleigh, big hug for you on Tuesday, if I don't post again before then.

Hello Ellie, and Critter glad you're doing well.

AFM, I'm ok, busy week behind me and ahead of me at work (handover + keeping job ticking over always seems to be a juggling act!) so lots of distractions. I had my MRI on Friday and am just waiting to get the results (hopefully next week). They should confirm that the baby's brain is fine, and the large measurement they've found is just a variation on normal.
The MRI was worse than I thought – it was my first and I'd never really thought through that you have to lie still on your back for 30-40 mins. NOT very comfortable at the best of times, but awful when pregnant. I had to get them to prop me up on a little side angle, otherwise I felt like I couldn't breathe and my lower back was killing me.

Winter, you have me feeling all emotional. What a lovely way to remember her. I absolutely dread James' birthday, what with the date being so entrenched with someone elses birthday. Beyond dread it, I think. People are already talking about it, about their plans, buying presents etc. All I can think about is that that's the day I gave birth to my dead baby. I'm not ever going to be able to get away from it. The reminders are there for months before.

Sorry, that went a bit me me me!

whohas

town, hope all the results come through ok. I'm sure they will!

I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday, Kayleigh.

I'm still struggling a fair bit at the moment. I just feel absolutely exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I've been pregnant for about 16 out of 17 months now and it's really taking it's toll. And I'm getting snarky. People keep telling me 'it'll be worth it', and while I hope that's true, I can't help but think back to James when everyone said exactly the same thing, and it really wasn't worth it. To me, anyway. Do I sound ungrateful to be pregnant again? Because I'm not, I just hate the stupid little platitudes that people come out with that are supposed to feel comforting but have the opposite effect on me. And when I go in for a scan, and everyone asks how it went, and it was fine, but then it was all fine with James so I find it no reassurance - people actually roll their eyes at me.

I'm off to see him now. The weather matches my mood today - shit!

Much love to you all. xxx

I will join you in the cave, whohas.

Plenty of room flambola xxx

Who has

Town hope everything comes back ok

3 your counsellor sounds a bit rubbish. I've never cried in front of my counsellor, in fact I rarely cry in front of anyone I feel much closer to E when my grief is private. I find all of my scans quite hard. I find them easier when DH is there as he hates hospitals so I focus more on him and trying to make sure he's OK that I forget what I'm there for. My 28 week one was hard as I went alone and spent the whole time panicking that the baby had died even though I could feel her moving.

Flambola you don't sound ungrateful, you and your body have been through a lot. I don't find movements or scans that reassuring as I still felt E moving when I knew she wasn't alive. I never had any extra scans last time but we knew she was alive on the Friday as I had a MW appointment and then by Monday morning she was gone. I am grateful for the extra care but E weighed 6lb 9oz so they think she stopped growing or got into trouble very late in the pregnancy and since they don't routinely scan after 36 weeks I'm not sure it'll pick up anything. Hopefully the early induction and constant monitoring throughout the induction would pick up any issues and they can get the baby out fast.

I've had slightly rubbish couple of weeks. I had a UTI which came on really suddenly, saw OOH Dr who gave me ABs for a week stopped those Wednesday lunchtime. MW dipped my wee Wednesday afternoon and it was clear. Friday evening about 5 pm I got awful kidney pain and lots of blood in my urine. Definitely coming from there not the baby which was at least slightly reassuring. Went to the OOH Dr again who said since I'd had antibiotics in the last 10days he would have to refer me to the obstetrician at the hospital! So went into the emergency department with my referral, was eventually seen had loads of bloods done and got discharged home at 2am. Thankfully they think a two week course of oral antibiotics should get on top of it. I have a consultant appointment tomorrow and the Dr has written on my notes that they should organise a kidney scan to make sure there is nothing wrong. Spent the whole weekend feeling exhausted but the pain has eased off a bit. DH was stressed there was a problem with the baby so was not much support!

Whohas, how are you doing? I've been thinking of you all day.

Lake, that must have been hard going physically and emotionally let's hope they get on top of it and you are back to full health in no time,

Flambola I don't think you sound ungrateful at all. Being pregnant is hard going, not to mention after the trauma that we have suffered and in such a short amount of time.

Lake, Town and Zombie thanks for your honesty about the scans. It actually helps knowing that you all struggled through them too. As much as I'd rather us all be happy and reassured knowing that we are all feeling roughly the same emotions makes me feel less like an emotional freak.

to you all

I'm really really not great to be honest :( :( :(

Thanks town, glad your keeping busy, although the the mri sounds scary. When

Sorry posted too soon!

flambola, hope your feeling better, I often feel as though your not allowed to complain about anything, like with ds he has been difficult with his sleep, usually if I mention it to anyone they say 'but your so lucky to have him' I bloody know I am, I love him to the moon and back but that doesn't make the difficult times any less difficult x

Sorry to hear about the uti lake, hope it's all cleared up now and the appt goes well x
Who has x

ellie to be honest this pregnancy so far seems to have gone quite quickly but i think that's because i've had all the extra appointments ect. With regard to your consultant having a bit of a reputation- you may well find her to be ok, different people have different perceptions of others i find.

zombie i'm a bit of a mixed bag emotionally at the moment. I'll be happy to get past the stage it went wrong with Ben, but i'm not under any illusion that the anxiety will ease off. My mum said that me getting past 34+1 will make her less anxious but i'm not so sure.

3little with regard to what your counsellor said, i had more "meltdowns" in the months after Ben died and was buried than when it actually happened- people deal with things in different ways, no one way is right or wrong in my opinion. I struggled with my 12 week scan even though i'd had an early scan a few weeks earlier. I just tried to keep as calm as possible and luckily i had a lovely man doing the scan who didn't assume it was my first scan and was very understanding. I'll keep my fingers crossed you get an equally considerate sonographer.

whohas sending you lots of love today

winter sending love to you for your dd's birthday yesterday

town thank you. I hope your mri results are fine, i'm sure they will be, i have been told by people it's horrible having one of those done at the best of times so for you to manage while pregnant is brilliant on your part.

flambola you don't sound ungrateful at all. I'm much like you about things not being as reassuring as people would expect. I think people do mean well when they say things like "it'll be worth it" ect but unless they've walked in our shoes they can't fully understand.

lake good grief you've been through it this weekend! I hope you're back to full health asap and your consultant appointment goes well.

AFM 34 weeks tomorrow, not entirely sure how i feel about it all to be honest, just trying to keep going and trying not to think about things too much. Was talking to my best friend today about induction, and i'd mentioned that the community midwife i saw last week was talking about a sweep (she thinks it would be worthwhile to do one to see if labour starts naturally with this being my 4th baby). For the ladies who've had their rainbows and were induced, may i ask how they got you started?

Love to all xx

I'm completely broken my so called dp isn't here he is with another woman who has told me he is shagging her I give up :( :( :( :(

Whohas I really hope someone is with you, and that you aren't alone. Have you called him? Get him home and don't di anything too rash just yet. Thoughts are with you x x x x

I'm on my own a so called mental health professional has lied to me because she is the woman he is supposed to be shagging said he left nearly 2 hours ago but is still there :( :_ :

Just caught up on the pages I've missed.. If I start to name check it will likely end in failure, but will give it a shot!

Rainbow cave - I am so in!!! My consultant is the 'shiz' so I'll bring her along!

Love & thoughts with the lady on the October bus

Damage to graves - ahh, that would break my heart & make me one of the most formidable women on this planet.. Lovely to hear the florist generously replaced your pot for free :)

kayleigh not long to go - 20 odd more sleeps eek! Sending love to you for tomoro..

Town MRI doesn't sound pleasant whilst pregnant at all! Hope the outcome is all good fx..

Lake hope that the antibiotics are doing their job. Sounds like a nasty UTI.

Critter glad rainbow baby boy is doing well - I sometimes wonder what life will be like when this baby arrives (safely fx).. Appreciate the heads up on the range of emotions I can sort of expect.

whohas lost for what to say my love

Haha @ 'Nan on top'.. Even though that would be a mortifying thought with my own Gran
Also hilarious that your Grandad was 'kicked out' of his grave (think that was zombie!) bless him.. What a lovely thing for him to do..

I know there are ladies I've missed - will do a follow up post later :)

Afm, 27 weeks today. All feels a bit real and very exciting. I've got lots planned over the new few weeks & DS starts school this Sept so I've lots to keep on with until baby!!

I went in for reduced movement a week ago.. Hadn't felt him all day & I'd had a lazy day for the most part. In the afternoon I went out with my parents & they bought baby a lovely new cotbed. I felt genuine excitement for one of the first times of this pregnancy.. It all felt a bit real! Cue the panic that I'd still not felt him so I toddled into hospital with my mum. Heard him on the doppler which wasn't reassuring at all & I could have done at home! I told her as much in a nice way & she arranged for a registrar to do a mini scan for me. She was brilliant and did a quick check of placenta blood flow, baby and fluid levels. My mum got to see baby again & I was happy that he's doing well for now. Had a scan/consultant appt 3 days later so was happy to wait until then :)

I've been awake for the past hour which is annoying. I start Jury service today which I'm oddly looking forward to..hopefully I don't get selected & I can sit for hours and cross stitch ha!

whohas i'm at a loss of what to say after reading your posts from last night, i hope your dp has come home since and that you've been able to talk, sending you lots of love and hugs.

winter sorry to hear you had to go in for monitoring, but very glad all is ok and that the hospital staff looked after you so well. Also hope your first day on jury service went ok.

AFM had a wobble on dh this morning, so tomorrow is possibly going to be awful, not helped by the fact i've realised that tomorrows date is also the date we found out baby number 2 (baby between Jessie and Brian) had no heartbeat . I'm not sure if it's a bad omen or not gosh it's a shame the bereavement nurse is on blooming holiday now

Love to all xx

Kayleigh it isn't a bad omen just a bad coincidence. is there another midwife who you are close to and can talk to? I will be thinking of you
Whohas you have been in my thoughts, I've just seen your message and I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

Whohas, wtf, I am lost for words. What has he said about it x

Winter, glad your feeling positive. The hospital sound good doing that for you x

Kayleigh it's not a bad omen I also used to think that when dates were the same. I went to my 31 week appt at exactly the same stage I found out dd had no hb, on the same day of the weeks so convinced myself it would go the same way as my mw constantly said to me 'it's a completely different pregnancy'. I know, not much help! X

I feel a bit silly, but upset. I had a bracelet with dds name engraved in it and her dob. I have had to take it off for the first time as the strap has got a bit manky. I feel a bit like I'm loosing her. Sounds so strange. But I had a necklace of her birth stone, I had to take it off as ds was yanking it and getting caught in it. I had a ring with her birth stone but I have had to take it off as it scratched ds face yesterday, I had to pack away her things and put them in the loft and now I had to take her bracelet off. I feel like I'm loosing all the things that made me feel close to her I still have a necklace locket with her hair in though.

Hi all, wow lots to catch up on, bear with me if I miss anyone out!

Kayleigh, hope today goes as well as it can do. I recent passed the date i lost my angel. I woke up feeling almost positive that now this meant it was different this time but the night before and the evening of i was a mess. I think part of me felt like passing that date meant I was somehow moving on and I don't want to.

Lake, Sorry to hear about the lady on the due date bus. So sad. It sometimes feels like every one has problems but i guess its just because we are so much more aware/exposed to it. I worry when my friends have scans even tho they feel fine about it!

Zombie, sorry to hear about the redundancy, less than ideal. Hope the new role is at least in an area you want to work and that working for family means they will understand where you are emotionally.

Critter/Zombie/Ellie Im in shock at some of those comments! The whole Gods plan is so insensitive. I find I've had a lot of insensitive comments, sometimes totally innocently and sometimes they are just idiots!

Flambola, Yes I am 25.5 weeks now. 25 weeks felt like a big deal but then i panicked about how far (hopefully) I have to go. Tho 30 weeks is my next big millstones so 'only' 5 weeks.

Whohas, hope you're feeling a little netter. Again, I have no words re your DP. Just lots of love and hugs for you.

3, I understand what you mean about scans. Even though my problem was premature birth, i now worry about everything. Unfortunately I think that is just part and parcel of being part of a 'club' where people have lost babies for all sorts of reasons. One new friend I met as a result of losing my angel lost her baby at 2 months and now I even worry about that! It seems never-ending and I worry about now being a OTT worrier of a mum when i would have hoped to have been more laid back.

Winter, The birthday card sounds lovely and if you don't mind I will start a similar tradition. Great that you are now 27 weeks.

Town, yes i've had lots of kicks. Occasionally he goes quiet and i massively panic! I think its just as he is still relatively small and so can change position lots. Interesting what you said about the Harmony test, i didn't realise that is how it worked.

AFM, I had a scan yesterday and all seems ok. Well doctor said i'm, doing well but obviously I totally ignored that! Back again in two weeks at 27.5 weeks.I am generally ok but feel that as this pregnancy progresses I feel like I am losing my link with my angel. I have been thinking of ways to include him in things and have had a birth statistics print done which I will put in this baby's bedroom. Sometimes when I get up and see his picture next to my bed I feel like I imagined it all. Everyone is so focussed on this baby and how 'well' i'm doing. Sometimes i want to scream at them that i'm not doing well at all. Its so bloody hard isn't it. I felt really torn between my angel and this baby already. If i think about this baby I feel bad I'm not thinking about my angel and vice versa. I still feel massively on edge and wake up in a slight panic and can't relax until i have felt that my bump is still there (I imagined I dreamt I was pregnant) and until he kicks me.

This weekend will be tough as It's my only sister's wedding and ill be missing it. My bridesmaid dress arrived and Im going to (try) wear it and Skype into the wedding. Just another reminder of how different things are as I had envisaged being at her wedding with my 4 months old baby.

So it seems a lot of us need to be in the cave right now! It's good to know you are all here x

Kayleigh thinking if you today
Zombie you will never lose your precious dd, those things as precious as they are, are not her, just reminders of her and you don't need anything to remember her because she is locked in your heart and will stay there always.
April I am so pleased your scan went well. The idea of putting the dress on and skyping is lovely and I am sure it will mean a lot to her. We'll all wave to her from the cave together.
Scan tomorrow at 8:20 it can't come fast enough and yet I'm soooooo scared of what we'll be told. I bought little booties today. I wanted to have something to keep if it all went wrong. Something to prove it was real. I'll keep you all posted
Love to you all