Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Lake, that's a bit cruel of your consultant to leave it completely up to you! I guess they will help give you more guidance on the balance of risks nearer the time, if you ask. If it helps, my consultant was completely black and white on when to do my c-section - first working day after 39+0. He is not taking into account any anxiety on my side, just simple balance of me going into labour and EMCS (which is dangerous for me/baby due to slight increased risk of uterine rupture), vs planned c-section any earlier when baby could be a bit small.

But as with anything, it's lots of blurry lines and very marginal when you get to that stage - not to mention that anxiety can affect your health and therefore the baby as well (high blood pressure etc), so sounds like the more flexibility and monitoring you can get around weeks 37-39 the better.

Lake, I think maybe play it by ear and see how anxious you get as you get closer to delivery? I had exactly the same fears about balancing my fear with the baby's health. But ultimately, 37 weeks is considered term, and babies do just fine from about 35 weeks according to my obstetrician... And then you have babies like ours, beautiful big ones born just before, at or past their due dates, but not breathing. I would keep talking to the consultant, have a rough plan in place (maybe an induction booked for 39 weeks unless baby arrives earlier? Each pregnancy is different and this little lady may decide to show up early anyway) and then just see how you feel and how she is doing. Are you booked for weekly heartbeat monitoring soon as well as the scans?

Towns how are you feeling in yourself? 39 weeks sounds like a good plan. You can always reassess if you need to.

Kayleigh that is lovely of the florist but shocking of the people who broke the pot. On a baby's grave too, grrrr. You would think people would have more common decency.

Critter, what you explained sounds exactly how I felt. I spent most the first weeks in tears. It does get easier x

Lake congratulations on the girl with regards to the induction I think you just have to go with what you feel comfortable with for now you can always change your mind. I was booked for induction at 38 weeks but at 36 it all became too much for me in terms of anxiety, even with daily monitoring so they moved it to 37.x

Zombie, thank you, that is reassuring to hear that this is normal. I am so sorry that you went through this too, I suppose it is inevitable. Your son and daughter were also born so close to each other, that must have been really hard in terms of processing things.

One thing I was going to say before I forget, for those of you coming up to anniversaries - a friend of mine here, whose little girl died during labour, sent round a card, like an announcement card, on her first birthday, plus another small blank card and a small stamped addressed envelope. The announcement card had a beautiful, very moving picture of her baby girl in a pink handknitted hat. On the back, it said 'On the anniversary of the day she was born, we would like you to help us celebrate our first daughter [full name]. We spent a long time choosing the perfect name for our daughter, and over the past months we have found that seeing our child's full name written down makes her presence feel closer. Please handwrite her full name on the enclosed card, add a message for her, and send it back to us in the envelope. We will then make a scrapbook from friends and family for her.' It was SUCH a lovely thing to do. Just a thought, in case anyone wanted extra inspiration for a photobook or similar.

Hi all.

Sorry slightly selfish post today. I'm offically v slightly (hours!) more pregnant now than I was with my angel. I'm 24 plus 5. Such mixed feelings but right now I have woken feeling a little hopeful for the first time. That said, I also feel sad to think about this. I'm sure I'll continue to feel mixed feelings as I hopefullu keep progressing.

My friend sent me a link a while ago to an article and I've just got around to reading it. It's actually quite comforting and for me was a nice way to think my angel is very much physically still part of me, helping me and this baby. Here's the link if anyone is interested, it's just a short article.

lauragraceweldon.com/2012/06/12/mother-child-are-linked-at-the-cellular-level/

Love to all x

lake how lovely, a girl, congratulations. I think what others have said about having a rough plan in place is a good idea. I felt a lot calmer/ more in control once i had a rough plan in place.

april great to hear you've passed another milestone, i'd imagine it's normal to have mixed feelings about it though. That article is very thought provoking, i'd never thought of my children's cells being part of me, but in a way it is a comfort- thank you for sharing it.

AFM the past 2 days have been emotional to say the least, i knew the run up to the stage we lost Ben would be hard, however i didn't expect it to be like this. I'm dreading next Tuesday and am feeling very grateful hubby has taken it as one of his days off. I saw the midwife yesterday and she was very informative about inductions so we feel a bit more informed now about what could happen.

Love to all xx

One of the ladies on our October bus has found out her baby died. Some health problems were highlighted at her 20w scan so they tested for Edwards and Patau and everything came back fine. She was scanned at 27 weeks and the consultant told her they thought the baby had died 3 weeks ago. They think his head had shrunk a lot since last scan so have prepared her that he may have deteriorated. So tragic and she has to wait until Friday to give birth.

Tried to give her as much support as possible but I suspect will be a very different situation than mine. Just reminds me how fragile everything is

Oh lake how heart breaking x

lake how awful for the lady on the October bus, i'm sure your support has been appreciated

I'm having to avoid the FB group now as lots of posts like "so sad but I guess natures way of saying it's not the right time" or "tragic but shows how special her baby was if God wanted to take it so soon" and other things that people say because they think it'll help but does the opposite!

The MW called me Wednesday and said I had to see her for a 28 week appointment. I got there and she checked my wee and BP and measured the bump listened to the heartbeat then I left!! Seemed a complete waste of time when I'd had a scan on the Monday and go back to clinic on Monday. She asked when I want to see her again, was tempted to say I didn't really!! She decided I should see them 33-34 weeks as I have scans at 32 and 36 weeks!!

Sayings like that really piss me off

I'm having a bit of a wobble atm. I was made redundant and we're currently having money issues so I have to get another job, think I have one lined up. But I am beyond terrified of leaving my baby I feel sick at the thought of it

Oh zombie, can't imagine how you're feeling right now! I am expecting to feel the same, if everything goes well and I then go back to work after maternity. What do you have lined up and when would you start?

And I'm sorry for the poor lady on the October bus. Those stupid sayings are not helpful at all, I don't think. Like, what does God have to do with it? I don't give a shit about God, I want my baby! It's nature's way of being a bag of dicks.

Thank you for that article, April - I really enjoyed it and I like the thought that he's still with me and his little sister. Glad you've passed your milestone - are you 25 weeks now?

I'll have another read of everyone's updates and write another post later! I have a short attention span.

xxx

Oh zombie that's rubbish sorry you have to go back before you feel ready

Well I could start whenever (working for a family member) but I had a small redundancy payment to last a couple of months. I'm just dreading having to leave him

lake i'm actually the opposite about appointments- the more the merrier for me! I think it's because having all the extra appointments has made the weeks seem to pass quicker.

zombie sorry to hear about your job, and about you having to leave ds before you feel ready because of it. I can't fully understand, but i've had friends who have had to go back to work sooner after having their dc and i know how it made them feel, so sending you .

Hi all,just checking in. Hope everyone is ok, thinking of you all with memorable dates coming up. I can't believe some of you have had damage to your dc's graves, I can't believe the total disregard of the dc you have lost. Although how lovely that there are still some kind people left who are thoughtful enough to replace damaged items, even when they weren't the ones to cause the damage.

Well I'm now 15+2 and I'm feeling quite positive at the moment, I have the odd wobble but overall I'm able to get past them quickly. I have my first consultant appointment next week and I'm armed with my list of questions! Am hoping this positivity remains.

Hope everyone has lovely weekend plans.

Lake I'd be fuming about those stupid sayings. It is their way of wanting to shield themselves from the idea that the same thing might happen to them. Who are they to decide what God thinks? The sheer lack of empathy is pretty spectacular.

Flambola - ha to 'nature's way of being a bag of dicks'. I think I love you

Someone at my work (who knows very well I'm atheist) text me after dd saying 'don't be sad, it's gods plan' I honestly think that's one of the worst things that has ever been said to me

Zombie I had someone from work say something like that to me too. I told her about J and said that it was just terrible luck and she said, actually it wasn't bad luck, don't question God's decisions. She said this to me when I was worried I was miscarrying my DS2 at 8 weeks pregnant in the autumn (I was telling her why I needed to take a day off work) and I later found out she was also pregnant, due within 2 days of me. She had a bleeding scare at 14 weeks and I did wonder if she had, heaven forbid, lost her baby at that stage, how she would have felt if someone said something so heartlessly cruel to her. Maybe that makes me terrible but her remark really upset me. She is otherwise a nice person! I am so sorry that person said that to you. Those comments are like daggers even if you couldn't care less about the person saying them. To me, someone who was truly spiritual would be able to try to understand what it might be like to feel your pain and empathize, and would not presume to think they know what 'God's plan' is. Nobody knows why shitty things happen. Is it God's plan for little children to die? If so that isn't a God I believe in. That isn't a God of love. I truly believe our children's deaths show us that love is really what the meaning of life is about. Love is what is important, it's
what links us to our sweet babies through time and space.

ellie lovely to hear from you, glad you're feeling positive. I hope your consultant answers all your questions for you.

zombie had anyone sent me a text even remotely like that after Ben they would no longer be walking the planet, i'm disgusted for you! Even before Ben if someone i knew had a loss of any kind my usual response would be to express my sympathies and let them know i'd be there if they wanted to talk or whatever.

AFM got informed by my friend last night that it was "24 sleeps" (now 23) until i'm 37 weeks- she knows because she goes on holiday the same day, so thinking along those lines it's 20 something sleeps until induction so i've started slowly washing the sleepsuits ect and putting them away while trying to do all the other washing at the same time.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend xx

kayliegh wow, not long now then. Eveyones pregnancies seem to have passed by so quickly, although I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to any if you. I hope you're feeling well and not too stressed. Yes hopefully I'll get my answers, I have heard that a lot of ladies don't like this consultant but I'm reserving judgement, as long as she's good at her job I don't care!

zombie I'd obviously missed what had happened up thread. Sounds like you're having an awful time of it, I hope the job situation gets sorted, can't imagine how your feeling, especially given your recent anxiety. Just remember you were strong enough to have gotten though so much worse. They've announced possible redundancies where I work so it's looking like I'll have to reapply for my post before I go on maternity. Like you, it's something I could do without! I hope you get it sorted soon.

Lake I would say I can't believe how insensitive some people are but I've experienced it my self. Someone actually asked me 'how dead' dd looked when she was born what kind of question is that?! I largely ignore the ignorance of others! I don't have time for that kind of stuff in my life.

I agree critter

How are you feeling Kayleigh?

Oh. My. God Ellie. I'm quite a calm person but if someone said that to I would of punched them square in the face. Ive heard of some people saying the most stupid things but I think that tops it. I really can't get over that

X

I know! She's known for her inappropriate questions and she's very honest and graphic about her own life (abortions/drinking through pregnancy/affairs etc) the woman has no filter! It's lucky for her I'm the least confrontational person going!

I'm.a blubbering mess at the moment please hide me in that cave yesterday was the date in this pregnancy that I lost eve and I'm not really coping this morning :( :( :( xxx

Hello ladies,
Zombie sorry to hear you are having a hard time at the moment. I hope something lovely comes up for you that will ease the strain of leaving your little one. Sort of wishing for a job that pays you loads for the smallest amount of time.
Kayleigh I littlerally had a bit of a cry baby hen I read your post about 23 sleeps! In a good way. It just sounds so close and so hopeful. I can't even imagine being in your possition now. In less than three weeks your little one will be in your arms.
Lake, I am so sorry to hear of your friend on the October bus. You are amazing for supporting her.
Ellie I can't wait to hear about your consultant appointment. I have mine coming up in the 10th and feel so nervous about it. Not sure why.
Critter I totally agree about love being the meaning of life since losing my little girl. In some ways despite the pain, knowing that my love for her is stronger than even death is such a comfort. Her life ended but the bond we share can and will never end.
April the link was lovely, again it just goes to show the bond we have with our babies will never end.
Whohas I hope you are feeling ok. The anxiety is a killer but day by day we get closer to holding our babies.
Flambola and Town I hope you are both doing well.
I hope I didn't miss anyone.
AFM I had a conselling session this week. She said she thinks I am in denial about my babies death because I didn't cry for her. She said it is the saddest thing that could happen how could I not cry? I tried to tell her I cry all of the time, that when I am in bed I play those last few days, finding our she had died, her birth, her funeral over and over again. I can't stop the images and sounds. I can't stop thinking what if it happens again. I just didn't feel the need to cry then. I guess sometimes it is nice just to be able to talk about her without thinking that the other person is thinking 'enough' and so I guess despite the sadness I was happy for the opportunity. Yet she still says I am in denial, and need to face up to it or it will hit me harder later on. Now I am scared that it can get harder than this! I have my 12 week scan on Wednesday. I feel terrified I feel like I am going to live the scan when they confirmed my baby died all over again. I am scared they are going to tell me that something is wrong. My baby died when she was overdue, why am I struggling with the 12 week scan? I guess like the rest of you I now know that nothing is guaranteed. I guess it is like standing on top of a cliff that I have fallen off once already and remembering the pain of falling off so acutely that it makes, even standing on that cliff, as scary as the fall itself. Any tips for getting through the scan? Does it get easier after the first one?