Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Can i come and join you in the cave please? Feeling particularly emotional today. 34 weeks (when Ben died) is now only 2 weeks away and it seems to have hit me like a truck. I'm also feeling very selfish because our older dd Jessie was due to go on holiday with friends the week i'm being induced but i've told them she's not going now because if things go wrong again i want the kids around me (slightly negative mindset but it seems to be where i'm at right now).

Apologies for the me, me, me post and not namechecking, hope everyone is doing ok xx

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time Kayleigh, I'm not suprised given the stage of your pregnancy you are approaching. I'm experiencing very similar feelings as I approach the date I had my angel. Every bring is a reminder. I know too well there's nothing I can say to make you feel better but know you are doing so well and I'm sure, similar to what Town send before, you will feel a little better once you pass those milestones. You're on the homestetch and we all understand how you feel. X

Zombie is there any chance you could meet with the counsellor one to one before the meeting, not in terms of counselling but might be easier to raise your concerns that way and ask if they could lead the discussion but make sure they have the list of things you want to know. Might give you the chance to just sit and take it all in. I gave my mum a list of questions beforehand and we'd discussed them all at home and then she was very confidently able to lead the consultant to answer my questions.

Kayleigh you're doing a fab job and it won't be much longer until your little one is safely here.

My colleague who is a few weeks ahead of me is having an awful time. She finished work at 24 weeks as she had SPD and fibroids. Apparently the fibroids mean they can't measure fundal height so she was having monthly scans.. Her last scan baby had dropped down to the 5th centile and doesn't appear to have grown much so they are now going to scan her every two weeks. She's trying so hard to be positive. She's already 30 weeks so hopefully baby would be OK if they had to get it out straight away and at least she's being closely monitored but she's terrified!

DH and I are trying to think of what we could do to mark E's birthday next month. I'd like it to be nice but perhaps the start of a family tradition that we could involve baby lake in next year. Sad to think being the organised person I am if things had worked out right I'd probably be organising first birthday presents and a party soon. Instead I want a happy way to celebrate the beautiful little girl we had, any ideas ladies?

I agree Lake re a family tradition and have also been thinking about ways to celebrate that we can hopefully continue as a family. My angels 1st baby is about a month after my due date. We've decided not to go back to the UK for Xmas as we think we'll be quite emotional as 12 days after his birthday will be the 1st anniversary of his death. I know a lot of you have a short period between the two dates. Or they're on the same date.

I am struggling what to do, I've heard of releasing balloons but I'm not sure. I have the candle we used at his funeral and I am tempted to light it on his birthday. I get worried about attaching myself too much to objects in case we ever lost the candle or it burnt out, thought its a fairly decent size. Other things are just doing something that day. There is then less pressure to do the same thing next year. Even if just going for a meal. It's difficult.
As I've been letting myself think about the possibility of having s baby successfully I have become a bit obsessed in including my angel. I've had one of those birth oeints done with all his stats that I would like to hang in this baby's room. My husband has also designed a beautiful memory necklace (an angel wing type design) for my birthday. I feel like I want to incise our angel in as much closer as possible and plan to do a photo album of him with some trinkets, footprints and a nappy (clean!) as it was so tiny. X

God my spelling is terrible, must use my computer more or read before I post! Sorry hope it makes sense!! X

Thank you so much ladies, i took myself back to bed this afternoon and feel a bit better for it. Had a talk with dd after school about the holiday and she's told me she'd rather be at home because she'll be able to see her baby sister sooner, bless her.

april sending you hugs as you approach the date

lake on Ben's birthday we ordered special flower arrangements and bought a balloon and went up to the grave as a family with my mum and step-dad. The balloon stayed up there until it had deflated and we then brought it home and put it in Ben's memory box. It was nothing grand, but what we wanted to do to mark the day.

I think the idea off a family tradition is a lovely one. We have been doing the balloons on the 12th of each month to remember our little one. We each write a message and then off it goes. Once we hit the 12 months mark I will take it down to just doing it on her birthday.
If you are worried about a certain candle burning down, how about a special candle holder that you can use every year instead?
I was thinking to do a birthday card every year for her memory box. More for my sake than hers, just something which will allow me to mark the occasion, allow me to get my emotions down, just to have something permanent that says I love her.
I have a friend who donates a few books to a library every year in her twins memory. Each year she chooses something for the age group her little ones would have been.
I think whatever you chose will be perfect for your family, and can grow with you all.
Kayleigh just keep writing your emotions down here if for no other reason but to know you are not alone. I wish you strength and peace over these next two weeks and until your little one is safe in your arms. Your dd sounds wonderful for being so understanding. My husband booked flights to the states for us during the summer holidays and I had a right melt down about it. For one I am terrified of flying at the moment, I just feel too fragile and scared to lose another precious child, and two I just can't face leaving my baby's grave my poor husband looked so sad. I don't know what we will do.

3little thank you. Our dd has had so much to deal with in the last few years, and recently we've been having a few behaviour issues with her, but these issues have disappeared since we spoke and told her she could stay at home instead, so i think my dh was right when he said she was acting out because she was worried. Sorry to hear that your dh's holiday plans upset you, i hope you manage to sort out an alternative.

AFM saw the lovely lady consultant this afternoon. She's now booked in my steroid injections, and i have another appointment in 4 weeks, and at that appointment they'll give me my induction date. Just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other for now.

Love to all xx

Hello ladies, sorry for long absence - have been in newborn blur with my rainbow boy. It's his due date tomorrow, he will be 4 weeks old and is doing brilliantly. Just a heads up... I found my grief has been worse in many ways since he arrived even though I am head over heels in love with him. I can see everything I missed out on with his brother and it makes it real that my first so. Isn't coming back ever. Just something to be aware of for you ladies coming up to due dates with subsequent pregnancies - it gets better and worse at the same time. You also get lots of 'congrats on becoming a mum' comments which are tough as we are already all mums, just not mums to living babies always. Hold on tight - you are all doing amazingly, a rainbow pregnancy is SO stressful, just make sure you have lots of caring and gentle support after your rainbows arrive - my mum (who had a stillbirth herself at 8 months) has been staying and it's making a huge difference to coping with triggered grief, hormones and sleep. Sorry for incomplete catch up and special hello to 3. Lots and lots of love.

Hi Critter glad your boy is doing well sorry it's been so tough.

My anxiety seems to be getting worse all the time but I feel like I'm projecting it onto other things. DH has suddenly started having night sweats this week, the duvet, sheets and everything feel like someone has poured a bucket of water over us! He's burning hot to touch when it happens but says he feels cold. I'm now totally convinced he's got TB or some kind of cancer. The worst thing is neither of us are getting much sleep at night. He's not registered with a GP so I'm going to leave the forms out tonight for him to sign then take them in tomorrow and see if I can make him an appointment for next week. He doesn't seem bothered about it but I think he's trying not to worry me which obviously isn't working.

Sorry for the random rant normally I'm very much in control and tend to sort things out straight away but the stress of this pregnancy seems to make me worry so much more.

Hello all checking in I'm 17 weeks today can I please please come and hide in the cave please I'm all over the place at the moment I lost eve in October at 18+2 I'm absolutely dreading next Saturday and that history will repeat itself :( :( :( I have been told I can have my c section I need to see the consultant at the beginning of September to get my date
I saw my midwife this afternoon and heard puds heart beat a very healthy 150 -160 but I'm still so so scared :( :( :( I also haven't put on any weight at all since my booking 9 weeks ago I just seem to be a complete hormonal wreck at the moment xxx

Kayleigh pleased to hear your dd is
coping a bit better. What the reason you're having the steroids of you don't mind me asking?

Critter glad your ds is doing well. Thanks for the heads up, I'm sure we all expect it but it's good to hear it from someone in our position. I already have a lot of similar feelings and do worry a lot about how I'll
Feel when (God willing) this baby is born. Especially as this baby is due a month before December which is the month I had my angel and the month he also died.

Lake, my dh occasionally has night sweats too. I can understand totally projector your anxiety into other things. I get so worried about dh and am like his mother telling him to driver carefully etc. I get anxious anout things that would never have bothered me before. The psychologist I've been seeing said it's very normal as people like us have lost the security of waking up in the morning and feeling everything will be fine. We know horrible things can happen in an instant and that we have no real control. I hate that I have to be like that now but when she said that it felt quite comforting when she put it into those words.

Whohas, I will be a prett permanent member of the cave crew for the next few weeks at the very least. I'm in a similar situation to you. In just under one weeks time I will be at the stage I lost my son. I'm so scared and can't relax at all. I am on bedrest and soing nothing doesn't help! I feel totally useless and pretty depressed if I'm honest.

I wish I could say something to help but unfortunately I think for both of us it is just the case of ticking off the days to that milestone. I'm sure Town said before she found it a little easier after passing her milestone so hopefully we'll feel the same. Even if we don't feel completely safe.

Sounds like a tough week for many of us! Hoping next week is better x

Once again- I must read my message before posting. Blooming predictive text!!

critter glad to hear your ds is doing well, but sorry to hear that it's been tough at times because of the grief being worse in ways. I'm sure your mum has been a fabulous support to you.

lake hope you manage to get your dh to the doctors and get him sorted, fingers crossed it's something and nothing, but it's so easy to assume something horrible isn't it?

whohas i know exactly how you feel, i'm currently 32+4 and we lost Ben at 34+1, so i'm dreading the next week or so. Even though baby moves a lot and is very active, i'm not relaxed in a morning until i've felt a good movement as Ben had died during the night. It's hard to keep going at times , sending you hugs.

April i'm having the steroids because if the normal induction process doesn't work they'll be taking me to theatre for a c-section, and because baby will be early they want me to have the steroids for her lungs (i'm hoping i won't need a section but best to cover all bases i think.)

AFM had a rough couple of days, been feeling poorly (thank you older dc's for sharing your germs) and on Wednesday we went to Ben's grave to discover that his flowerpot had been damaged by the people who mow the grass at the graveyard . This isn't the first time it's happened either, so i was fuming and burst into tears. Luckily the florist we got his flowerpot from still had some and she very nicely gave us a new one and refused to charge us for it, so i went up yesterday to place the new pot.

Love to you all x

Kayleigh. So sorry to hear about the damage to your son's grave.

How far gone will you be when you have the steroids? I had them with my 25 weeker Angel (his lungs were v good as a result). I am asking as my stitch will be taken out at 37 weeks which is tech full term
But still obv 3 Weeks pre due date. I'd be interested to know what UK advice is on steroids at that stage so I know whether I should push for them here when I get my stitch removed (obviously hoping I get to 37 weeks and this is even an issue). Thanks

Ha town 'being on top' that gave me a chuckle!

Kayleigh, I'm sure she will understand you wanting her to be around, she probably wants to be around anyway. Sorry to hear about the flower pot, the inconsiderate idiots the other week I went to see dd to find they had mowed the grass and put all the cuttings over her grave

Lake, how scary for your friend any ideas on marking the date? Something you can do each year sounds lovely.

3 that book idea sounds lovely

Critter, glad your boy is doing well. I know exactly what you mean about it being very stressful at the same time

Sending you hugs whohas, get in that cave! X

I just wrote a huge reply and it vanished so sorry if it appears and I posted twice! I got a new phone and it's playing up with mn and won't let me see what I wrote. I got a call from the bereavement midwife, she was very nice and said I dont have to go in if I don't want to, it can be done via letter. She will be calling me back in a week or so to see what I want to do.

april the steroid injections need to be done over 2 days, so i'll be having the first one at 35+3 and the second at 35+4. I think generally they like you to have them done around 36 weeks, but the consultant said a few days early won't make a difference.

zombie you'd think they'd take a bit more care around graves really. Glad the bereavement midwife was nice.

Love to all and hope everyone has a gentle weekend xx

Thanks Kayleigh. If I get that far I may speak to my doc doing them just before they take out my stitch. I had them before and had hem over the two days. They sting a lot but seemed to really help our angel, his lungs were never an issue. X

Sorry I have been missing for a few days. So many of you ladies are going to hit the mark you lost your precious Angels, over the next few weeks. I wish you all so much peace and lots of reasuring wriggley kicks.
Kayleigh it is heartbreaking when something happens to your baby's grave. Someone drove over mine (she's on the edge) damaging all of the flowers at the side and end. I was devastated and furious but tried to look at it as a chance to get to 'look after' her grave because look after her is all I want to do.
Critter thanks for the heads up about the emotions once your baby has arrived. I think it is so hard not to just focus on getting through the next day's weeks months, that I know I, at least, lose sight that I may actually have a live baby at the end of it. When he was born, what was it like? Did you have the mix of emotions? I am glad he is doing well.
Zombie the midwife sound lovely, do you think she will be our official cave midwife? Tell her to bring her Doppler!
AFM it was my birthday on Wednesday. I am now 35 and have official added risk due to my age! It was a massive shock how much I struggled with it. I know in reality it is only 4 months since my baby died but that day made me feel so far away from her. I went to her grave, as I do everyday ,and did proper hard crying. After the first couple of months my tears turned into a silent stream but this was so raw again. My husband did a cake, but used the number candles I had bought for her cakes, that I do every month to mark her passing months. I had a massive panic attack at the idea of her candles being burned down. Bless him he didn't know what to do and the kids were so confused I feel so bad for not being able to pretend for their sakes . Oh well another milestone done I guess. Thinking of you all, the bravest women I know

april i've been told they sting a bit too, and that also they make your bum itch a few minutes afterwards- that'll be fun for me with the second one as i've got my last scan so i'll have to try to lie still with an itchy bum

3little sorry to hear your angel's grave has also had damage to it, people really should be more careful/ respectful. Happy belated birthday for Wednesday, although i can understand why it wasn't such a happy one for you. I know what you mean about not being able to pretend, sometimes it's just too hard to keep it in though. Sending you lots of love

xxx

Quick post for me, it's been a busy week and I've got my brother staying with me this week! Lovely distraction.

Thinking of Kayleigh, April and whohas as you all approach your ddays when you lost your angels. I am definitely less anxious now, the other side of the valley is more sunny, you'll all get there soon and uneventfully, I'm sure. Love to you all.

Critter, lovely to hear from you. Thanks for the headsup, I'm feeling a little of that already with this pregnancy to be honest, as I completely missed 3rd trimester with Grace. Will anticipate spending most of the first few weeks as a tearful wreck!

3little, I'll be 35 next Sunday, so we are similar ages. Sorry to hear you found it so tough. I'm sure you know, it's an arbitrary cutoff point, not really any increased risk at all one day from another. But I guess it's just another milestone, isn't it.

I had one steroid jab with Grace, but because I'd just been in labour, waters broken, and was scared s*less about my baby, I barely noticed it....

Hugs to everyone else, hoping for a nice non-eventful week for us all. x

Hi guys, on phone so apologies for crap post.

Kayleigh - that is dreadful about Ben's grave. I am so sorry. Really glad that they replaced the damaged pot, poor you, that must have been so upsetting.

April - you are a wise lady. Your counsellor is totally right, we now know that the worst can happen. So we know we aren't protected by statistics. I definitely feel like a curtain has been drawn back- I used to feel I was somehow 'safe' from bad things happening which is crazy, like I had control over things. Now I know that much of life is just a random crapshoot. Totally relate to the anxiety.

Lake your poor DH. He must feel so helpless, I am sure he wants to protect you and your baby and the sweats must be anxiety and stress related. I love how you said he kisses E's photo at night, what a wonderful daddy he is to your sweet girl and this little one on the way.

Going to post this then repost again...

Towns so sorry you were robbed of that experience with little Grace.
I think it is inevitable that this is going to be an incredibly stressful pregnancy. I hope you are being really well looked after by cautious, experienced and kind doctors.

3little I am 35 too and I felt so angry when I had the whole 'talk' about added genetic risks with this baby as I started ttc when I was 31! Felt so unfair to have the time pressure on top of everything else. Am in a weird situation as both my first baby and my second were conceived at the same time via one IVF cycle two years ago... J was a 'fresh' transfer and this little guy was a frozen embryo (we had 6 embryos, J was the first, then I had a miscarriage with the second, which they transferred last summer, then one didn't implant, and this baby was lucky number 4). Is weird to have both my sons effectively non identical twins from the same 'litter' of embryos... Science is a weird and wonderful thing.

Sorry that was long. I guess what I'm trying to say is the age thing sucks!

I cried all the way through my c section. It was really emotional but also amazing to see him come out. After he was born he was in the NICU for 9 days for respiratory distress (I didn't have steroids as I didn't have a history of premature birth, my first baby was born at 39 + 3) and that was terrifying. It's like there are two different emotions running in parallel - sorrow for my loss and joy at the new baby - both intertwined. The breastfeeding and exhaustion have also probably affected my mood - I hear all new mums spend a lot of time crying, so for us it is just infinitely more complex and intense because of what we have been through. I'm seeing my OB on Thursday for a postpartum follow up and will talk to him then. I don't think it's PPD, I think it is normal, but it is a powerful feeling of sadness mixed with my happiness. I look at my baby and when his face is in repose, he looks very similar to my first son. And I feel so much intense love that it physically hurts, it's like being painfully in love with someone you are worried will leave you.

Sorry that was an essay!

critter the people responsible for the damage didn't replace the pot- the florist we use for Ben's flowers still had one in stock so she gave it us free of charge, which was very nice of her.

AFM saw the bereavement nurse and midwife today. It'll be the last time i see the nurse until after i've had baby because she's got a month booked off work, but i'll remain under the midwife which is good. All looks good with baby and i've been given an induction of labour booklet to read through. Unfortunatley my nightmares have started again but i sort of expected them to make an appearance as we approached Ben's gestation.

Sorry so many of you are having a rough time.

E's birthday is in a month, we found a florist on Facebook who is going to make a beautiful heart shaped flower arrangement for us to lay at her grave. We are then thinking about going out for a meal as we thought that could be something we can carry on. Stealing someone else's suggestion and thinking of getting all of her photos made into one of those printed albums as I worry with them being on the computer that one day the hard drive will die and we will lose them all. Going to do the same for our anniversary which is August as well.

We had our 28 week scan today, looks like baby lake is a girl! Growing perfectly and bang on for dates. Already weighs 1.163kgs or 2lb 9oz which made it very real!!

Antenatal clinic with the consultant next Monday then another scan at 32 and if that's ok one more at 36 and then we will make a plan about induction.

I'm already thinking about my plans with induction as my consultant said it's basically up to me what I want them to do and when I want them to do it. The honest truth is like all of us I want whatever is best for the baby.

I am aware that the longer the baby is inside (assuming it's healthy) the better for it. E was 9days overdue and the consultant said she wouldn't want me to go past my due date. The consultant is lovely and said if I for example asked to be induced at 38 weeks, when it comes if I feel ok and the baby seems ok I can ask for it to be pushed back a bit.

I suppose realistically I'm worried that an induction is selfish unless there is a problem with the baby. I'm aware the risk of instrumental delivery including c-section is higher with an induced labour and I'm just not sure increased anxiety from me is reason enough to put us both at risk of a more complex delivery. My labour with E was incredibly straight forward and actually apart from the outcome was a nice process!

Sorry for the ramble just so desperate to 'do the right thing'