Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Kayleigh hope the midwife appt and scan goes well.

Do you feel more confident with your care now 3? My first consultant appt was meant to be at my 12 week scan but they muddled my dates up so I was only 9 weeks.

X

for you zombie. I hope she's got a good excuse why she didn't turn up.

And Hooray for nice midwives, 3little! That should make all the difference.

Kayleigh, naughty baby for giving you a scare. Hope you have a good scan. You must be near your magic 34 weeks now?

FYI Progesterone is the main pregnancy hormone, it's what your body produces to tell itself that you are pregnant (very simplistically!). When you go into labour, it's because your body has produced other hormones which block/reduce the progesterone signals. So they give progesterone to ladies with history of pre-term birth. The label in the pack only talks about use for preventing PMT!! Note - I didn't have any tests or anything to suggest that lack of progesterone was the problem, it just seems to be a preventative thing.

Just been catching up ended up working 8 nights in 11 days so not had much time for catching up.

Zombie sorry the person never turned up really annoying when you hear yourself up.

3little sorry you find yourself here but pleased to hear you had a good appointment with the midwives.

Hope the scan goes well Kayleigh

Town glad everything went well at the 28 week scan.

E's headstone was finally laid today which was lovely, now DH can get on and decorate her grave how he wants to in time for her birthday in August. Baby Lake has been very peaceful today think we've both been recovering from so many nightshift. Had to have a glass of coke to get baby fidgeting earlier as I couldn't remember when I felt movements today. Definitely think it's because I'm tired or have been sleeping! Baby is now going crazy so probably going to regret waking it up as I'd quite like to go to sleep now!

Hope everyone else is doing well

Hi all, ah just wrote a longish message and somehow lost it!

Hope everyone's well. zombie, as Town said, progesterone is fairly routinely given to those who are at risk of pre term birth. It has some good recent research behind it and has also been found (on top of what Town said) to calm the uterus and strengthen the cervix. I know the U.S. prescribes it in the form of injections but in the UK they tend to prescribe suppositories.

Feeling a bit up and down this week. I just want July to be over! It's a big month for me as I started it at 22 weeks and finish at 26. I always knew it'd be a tough month as I pass viability and hopefully my angel's birthdate of 25 weeks. Also it's my only sisters wedding at the end of the month and I have to miss it as I live abroad and can't travel at all now with my stitch in. I'm missing it for the best reason but I am so gutted to be missing such a special day. I have a small amount of confidence things will be ok but also have panics about things not being ok. I know we all do.

Good luck for scan Kayleigh and glad bubs is on the move Lake! Sorry not to name check everyone. X

3little how lovely of the midwives, do you feel a little more reassured now they've seen you?

town yes i'll be 34 weeks in 3 weeks time. In all honesty i'm not sure how i feel about it, as i've got a feeling that the anxiety is going to shoot through the roof, which is daunting in itself, but the older dc's will have finished school for the summer holidays by then so i won't have the routine of that to keep my mind occupied either .

lake lovely to hear that E's stone has been laid (that sounds such an odd thing to say). We really need to sort Ben's out but i need to speak to someone about the grave itself as personally i think it needs evening out so it's level. Glad baby's moving lots for you.

april sending you hugs this month. Sorry to hear you'll miss your sisters wedding, but as you say it's for the best reason. Has your sister been understanding about it?

AFM well the midwife gave me a small telling off this morning for not going to the hospital when i had the pains the other night, and has told me in no uncertain terms that i'm to ring up if they happen again. She seems to think the pains are just baby pressing on the top of my pelvis, which she said is normal but she understood why i'd be more concerned. Baby's doing ok though, still head down but not engaged and heartbeat nice and steady

Love to all xx

Hi kayleigh yes my sister has been fab. She had two boys (6 & 4) and has said if she was in my shoes she would have not had delayed trying again just to go to her wedding.

I've also had pains, how far are you again? I really must write some notes on you all as I find it hard to scroll back and forth and my memory is shocking i'm afraid! They felt low in my cervix but then went after a few moments. I am hoping they are just the normal ligament stretches. It is difficult to know when to go in and when not too. If I went in for every single ache or pain I would live there!! x

Lake, glad the headstones come and your happy with it x

April, you have got a tough month. Just try and relax as much as poss, I know it's a lot easier said than done! Hope your sister has a lovely day too.
I think I pretty much lived at the hospital when pregnant with ds, if you are concerned about anything just go in X

Kayleigh, make sure you do get to the hospital if you have any pains! Consider yourself told off twice hopefully the kids being off will keep you occupied and help with the anxiety? I definitely felt more anxious the closer I got. Bloody difficult isn't it x

Well I saw the woman, she's sent a referral for me to go and see this person who will get all the notes out and go through everything I'm concerned about with me. There will also be a consultant there to help me understand the post mortem. I don't know if I want to I've already been in tears a few times today about it

zombie, you don't have to go through with it if you don't want to. Listen to what your gut is telling you. You'll have some time to decide, at least now you have the choice (unlike before when you just couldn't get anyone to talk to).

I know town, I'm just so torn. I really want it explained, not so much the pm results (although I want them to find out what was in my urine when they did my last tests with dd, and my high bp to confirm if I did have pre eclampsia) but more of an explanation of why it wasn't explained to me at the appointment, why my midwife ignored my concerns over movement, why I've had to wait over a year for the letter I was told I would get a week later, why she wasn't put in a cold cot.

But at the same time I don't know if I can handle it.

The lady is also a councillor, so they think that may help. Although I said from the beginning I didn't want counselling. I'm not good at talking. I just get upset and due to the anxiety I get very flustered.

april your sister sounds lovely . I'm 31+3 now. The pains i had were like sharp, stabbing pains that were very low down and felt like they were going to my bits. It is hard to know whether to go in or not, but the midwife yesterday said that even if i go in and they monitor me and all is fine, they've done the job they're paid for. Kind of put it in perspective for me.

zombie to be honest i'm dreading the holidays, so far the routine of getting the kids up and dressed ect during the week has helped pass the time quicker (or that's how it feels). Sorry to hear seeing the lady has left you feeling upset. Only you can decide if you can go through with everything, maybe doing a "pros and cons" list would help you decide if you want to go through with it all? .

Had a phone call from the bereavement nurse last night, they'd realised they hadn't seen me in a few weeks (i've just been seeing the community midwife) and wanted to make me an appointment with them as they're aware it's approaching the dreaded 34 weeks; so i'm seeing them at 33 weeks and we'll go from there.

Kayleigh, April, I also struggle with knowing when to call the midwife or go in. I think it's partly because of what happened with Grace (when I phoned the DAU twice when I was at home in labour and got a very dismissive response). The midwife I saw this week told me I should set my threshold low to call and come in. Its sad, but we all have a free pass now, with our histories. Still, easier said than done in practice.
I had a sudden increase in ligament pain at 25 weeks, enough for me to panic and come home from work (to be close to the hospital), but I lay down and monitored it and didn't call the hospital. So, I did the right thing in hindsight, but probably the wrong thing at the time, as I shouldn't take risks like that.

Zombie, sleep on it (a few times!) and hopefully things will become clearer. Just an observation from your posts on here - I think you deserve and need answers, and you are a pretty strong person so will find a way to handle it. Maybe the counsillor lady could come with you for support? What does your DH think?

So, it turns out that my 28 week reassurance scan was not so reassuring after all. It was with the berevement sonographer and she was very very good (such a good idea for hospitals to have). Everything was normal except one little measurement, which was just over the threshold where it could indicate other problems. So I had a consultant scan, blood test, and have to go back for another scan and MRI in 2 weeks time. Honestly, I think it'll be fine, it's just belt and braces - if this was my first baby I wouldn't even have had this scan and probably there's nothing wrong with him. Just so frustrating and stressful that I haven't had the 100% all clear.

Town I know it is easier said than done but the measurement is more than likely just one of those individual differences that we all have. Measurements are compared against the average and so there will always be babies that fall either side of that and are perfectly healthy. Glad the sonographer was lovely. Such a good idea.

Zombie as everyone has said only you can decide. I know it will be painful to sit and have to listen to new information now, maybe it will give you new things to think about. Then again you really do deserve answers, and as difficult as it will be now, it might bring you closer to peace in the future.

April I hope your sister has a lovely day. I am glad she is being so understanding, many wouldn't. Relax as much as possible and get checked whenever you feel the need.

Kayleigh I am also dreading the summer holidays. The routine really helps to pass the time and also I get that little bit of time everyday when I am on my own and can grieve. I find the weekends tough because I'm there for everyone else so much I forget to give myslelf that time and then always end up feeling the loss more. I hope the bereavement midwife helps. At our hospital they weren't much good. Their day for calling people was a Monday. If you weren't available on Monday they left a message saying they would call you another Monday. They called me a few weeks after my daughter had arrived and I was having a 'good' day they signed me off after that and I never heard from them since. I wonder if they will be back now that I am expecting again?

Lake I am glad you are pleased with the headstone. It will be nice for your husband to get busy with planting and making it pretty. In someways it is like caring for the babies we never got to care for.

As for me, I am pleased with the midwife visit. It seems like I will get the best of both worlds. I just completely underestimated how hard being pregnant would be. My baby would have been four months on the 12th July. When I was pregnant with her I told my husband I was never doing this again. I'll be 35 soon and the tiredness etc just feels more extreme than when I was in my 20's. But then a month or so after she died having a baby was all I could focus on, and when my husband asked me should we try again I jumped at the chance. We were really luck and fell pregnant straight away. Waiting to do the test I was so excited. Those two weeks all I could think of were positive thoughts. And when I did the test and I was positive, again I was just so happy. But I'm nine weeks now and slowly slowly those happy feelings are being replaced by feelings of doom and panick. The 12 week scan on the 29th can't come quickly enough and yet at the same time when I think of it my heart races and I feel sick. Maybe it is because of the scan they did to confirm my daughter had died? I don't know. I feel like it is too early for me to bother the midwives with my craziness. If I am struggling this much now, what am I going to be like further down the line as it gets closer to my due date. Did anyone find it get easier? Also did anyone find that first scan harder than normal? We're the sonographers sympathetic? I have the sands sticker on my notes so they'll know my baby died.

Glad E's headstone has been laid, Lake, it'll be nice to turn it into a little garden. I find James' garden quite a therapeutic place to go now that it doesn't resemble a wasteland.

Hi 3, congratulations on your pregnancy. I got pregnant very quickly after James' died and now I'm 23 weeks. I have to admit, for me, it's getting harder rather than easier. I was able to detach myself from it in the earlier months, but now that I've seen her and felt her, my panic and anxiety is almost too much to cope with some days. Have you been offered any earlier scans? I had two before my 12 week one, and have had many since. I then feel ok for a day or two before that panic settles in. Of course, this is just how I've been! God, I hate being so negative about what's supposed to be an enjoyable experience.

AFM, I've had to take a few days off work again. Two lovely colleagues were due in for a visit and I thought I'd be ok with it, but I was absolutely not. We were all due within two weeks of each other and it was just a smack in the face as to where I should be and where I am instead, if that makes sense? I can't eat, and I can't sleep. Thankfully, I have my mental health midwife, and I've also been referred to the Community Mental Health Team. I just wish I could be healthy for this baby.

Love to everyone. x

town sorry your scan wasn't so reassuring. Liike others have said though, measurements often vary and it doesn't always indicate a problem. So hard not to worry though isn't it.
lake glad you are pleased with the headstone. I always think it would be nice to have somewhere to visit. I half regret having dd cremated, think it would be nice to see her name written down, almost like a reminder to the world that our children existed.
3 glad you're feeling more comfortable about your care. I was feeling much the same as you, havd been worried about feeling detached from this pregnancy. My heart was pounding waiting for the 12 week scan, the relief afterwards was surprising. I feel a little less anxious now but have a feeling, like flambola, when I get later on down the line I'll feel panicky again.
flambola sounds like you've been having a tough time recently. Glad you're getting support, looking after your self is the best thing you can do for you and your baby.

Well I'm now 13+2, I have a much needed week off and am doing some more charity climbs, starting to regret it as I'm not as fit as I thought! Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. I'm in the bad books as I didn't notice dh has had his hair cut (my husband, the least image/fashion conscious man I know!) I'm off to go shower him in compliments

town sorry to hear your scan wasn't as reassuring as you'd have liked, but the hospital sound like they're on the ball with the extra tests ect. Glad you're staying positive about it.

3little the bereavement nurse and midwife at my hospital are fab and try to be very accommodating as to appointments- i honestly can't fault them. The bereavement nurse is actually feeling awful at the moment because she's away on holiday when baby will be born. With regard to how you're feeling, i was exactly the same. I wouldn't say it's got easier for me as it's gone on, but having as many appointments as i can has helped as it's made the weeks seem to pass quicker if that makes sense.

flambola sorry you're having a tough time right now, i hope the community mental health team are able to give you some support. Sending love and hugs your way.

ellie good luck with your climbs. Your comment about your dh make me chuckle .

AFM well i ended up going into the hospital on Thursday evening for an hour's monitoring because baby wasn't as active as usual. All is good though, baby was just being a bit of a monkey because as soon as they checked they picked up the heartbeat and once i was on the monitors baby had lots of good wriggles. Then had my scan today, everything is measuring well, and baby is about 4 pounds weight wise

Love to all xx

Oh Kayleigh 4lbs that's great! I know this is going to sound daft but that is a proper weight
Flambola I hope the mental health team can really help you. You deserve a bit of peace.
Ellie I'm well impressed with the climbing. I have no upper body strength whatso ever, but I do have legs like a rugby player . Just think in less than 27 weeks you'll have no problem carrying around that little baby of yours.

That's good that the bereavement midwife called Kayleigh. At my hospital you don't get to see them for a new pregnancy which I think is ridiculous I saw mine as we got on well, she sometimes pops over for a cup of tea but she no longer works there now. Glad the scan went well and the weight sounds good!

Town, he thinks it will just upset me all over again. I have been told the appt could take weeks so I will think about it, I wonder if dm could go on my behalf or something. Sorry to hear your scan wasn't very re assuring, hopefully it's just them being thorough. Ds measurements were often all over the place.

3, what your feeling is completely normal. I found I was more anxious this time round for the 12 week scan, luckily I had a lovely sonogropher. I found after 12 weeks I felt slightly more positive then it got worse again approaching the time I lost dd and later. I'm an anxious person anyway .

Oh flambola , that must have been very difficult for you. Are the mh midwifed much help? I was offered to see them but I didn't want to. I was offered it because of the stupid questions in the front of your green notes 'have you felt down recently' or something like that.

Ellie hope your dh managed to forgive you . We had dd cremated and she is buried with my nan (who i was v close to) who is not cremated. They share a headstone. Ds has my nans first name as a middle name. It was a bit awkward as when we had her buried we had to ask my grandad if he minded as she used 'his space' luckily my family are a bit mad and people managed to laugh about it. My grandad always says 'you lot kicked me out my own bloody grave!' Sounds awful but it cheers me up a bit that it's not been taken badly.

Ds will be going in his own room Sunday. I'm sorting it out now which means packing away dd's things to go in the loft

3little a few people have said that to me about the weight. The sonogropher said at my next scan they'll probably be able to give me a rough birth weight, which seems strange.

zombie the bereavement nurse and midwife have been very "hands-on" in this pregnancy, which i'm thankful for, because i'm not sure how i'd have even got this far without them. Sending you lots of love and hugs today as you sort out the bedroom, it must be so difficult

Hope everyone has a gentle weekend xx

hi all, just trying to catch up.

Town have you heard anything further after your 28 week scan? sorry if I've missed something. I remember being hugely stressed about some measurements for my angel, a very short femur and I had him 3 weeks after than scan and he had the longest legs! Im sure it is very frustrating. None of us should have to deal with any further complications or stress.

Hope those that have been feeling particularly down are doing a bit better. Im also having a tough time. Just over 23 weeks now and I feel so incredibly on edge. I have two good friends who are due at very similar times to me with their first babies and I keep hearing their updates and it stresses me out so much. It makes me feel more pressure to have this baby healthy and full term. I think its because the more pregnant people I am surrounded by, the more I realise that if anything goes wrong again, the more difficult it will be. It is just so incredibly stressful. I know you all understand.

As I approach the date I had my angel I feel so sad and feel like its so unfair that he is missing out on everything. every time i think about the future with this baby (even tho that is still so uncertain at this stage) I feel so incredibly guilty and upset that my angel will miss out on everything. I am just struggling with so many emotions. Love to all x

Zombie a little bit of tea came out of my nose when I read the bit about kicking your grandad out of his own grave! I hope packing DD's precious things away was gentler than expected.
April having friends due around the same time as you is bound to be tough. If it is getting too much for you just be honest with them and say how much pressure you feel from the updates. They will understand it isn't because you are not interested and rather that you know what you have to lose. Alternatively I'm all up for hiding in a cave until it is all over if you fancy joining me. We could all hide out there! We could call it the rainbow cave, or the cave of rainbows whichever you'd rather. Do you think we could convince the bereavement sonographer and midwife to join us?

That was meant to say *dd shared dn name!

Kayleigh, glad the bereavement midwifes are helping you through

April, sending you hugs. I can totally relate to how your feeling, when I was pg with ds, although I was close to the end, the girl who gave her dd my dd name was gp and I kind of felt pressured sending you lots of hugs x

3, my grandad likes to pretend he's abused in public he absolutely LOVES dogs and children but his favourite saying is 'I hate dogs, I hate kids' he's a tad mad

That rainbow cave sounds like a good idea!!

Yay for the rainbow cave! Lets all hide there! Well, I guess that's kind of what this is really

Zombie, that is a lovely idea having dd share a grave and headstone with your nan.
My grandparents also shared a grave ... at least you'll be spared the slightly disturbing jokes I got about my nan always being on top .... (grandad died first)
Hope yesterday wasn't too difficult for you.

April, I won't get to hear anything new for a while. My scan was on Thursday, they took some blood, and I'll get those results in 2 weeks time when I go for a repeat scan. Then MRI the day after (and the results from that take a few days). So it'll probably be 3 weeks after the initial scan when I finally get the all clear - and I really am positive that it will be the all clear, as the fetal consultant said all the right things. I ALMOST wish that I didn't have that extra scan! But, having heard all your full term stories, I really want the scans, in order to check the placenta and cord are ok. If the baby isn't perfect, so be it, he's still my little boy, and I'm more concerned that he grows well and gets out safely.
I know totally the 23 week stress. I've been through a couple of stressy patches, and 23 weeks was the worst I think, even more than 26 weeks when Grace was born. Only a few more days to go and you've hit the milestone, 24 weeks and legally a baby. In week 23 I was constantly worked up for an arguement with the hospital to save my baby if anything happened. Because they can, even at that gestation. Every day counts, so make sure you congratulate yourself every morning, and then try and distract your self to pass the time (easier said than done, I know!).

Flambola, big hugs to you, even if you have tough days then at least you have the strength and sense to reach out for help, and it sounds as though the support you get is very good. With that kind of support, I'm sure nothing you are doing is unhealthy for your little one.

Waves to Ellie, Kayleigh, Lake and anyone else I've missed.
x

Love the cave idea 3little, count me in. Ill kidnap my doc and his ultrasound machine and will bring chocolate supplies! And tea. I have big tea cravings these last few days ( what a dull craving!).
Thanks Town, so funny you shots sat what u say as I just woke up and looked at my app to show me I'd passed another day. Also I imagined what I'd say if went to hospital and keep reminding my husband in 2 days ahead of the dates my doc uses as I ovulated early! I feel like he needs to understand to fight our corner! They have different rules here since private plus a diff country. They are legally bound to do everything they can even at this stage. We found out that with our angel and I have mixed feelings about it tbh.

Woken up feeling a little better. Time is going backwards I swear! With one of my pregnant friends she had vibe biopsies so was pot. at risk of cervix issues- which I had with my angel. I feel v strange about it. Because of what happened to me pre term birth is v much on her radar so she's done all the early scans. I am pleased my experience has helped her but part of me can't help but feel jealous that if it had been on my radar I would have had those early scans n could have been ok. Also whenever my pregnant friends talk about normal pregnancy stuff I get so jealous. Ultimately my goal is a healthy baby and whatever I have to do to get there will be worth it. My friend is my stage and is ok holiday etc. it just seems so unfair as I'm having to lie down and haven't left the flat for ages and have no plans too. God knows how I'd cope if we could have another baby after this one. I feel like my career is already ruined with the time off I've needed and I worry a lot about the future but I just have to remind myself that this is the most important thing and career, having a normal pregnancy etc is not important. X

Sorry re terrible spelling I'm on my phone! I meant cone biopsies re my friend! X