Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

zombie glad they were useful, they have been wonderful for us. If you can face it I would put in a complaint, not only for you but that no other fa,ily should have to go through such a ridiculously long period without getting answers x x

Zombie, that's really great that Tommys will send someone round to your house. I would never have thought that level of support was out there, so well done Vicky for suggesting it. It is so crap what you've got to go through to get answers... but judging just by your posts on here, I suspect you're not going to give up. Hopefully with the Tommys lady on your side it will make the process a bit more bearable.

Winter, I'm from London, so it is hot hot hot here. Yesterday was unbearable - there's no way I would've got any sleep if I hadn't got the aircon, even with a fan. The trains literally felt like a sauna (I reckon it was over 40 degC), and I had to go and cool down in M&S food after the journey! Much better today though.

Kayleigh, have you finished work yet, or are you a full time mum? I can't remember, sorry!

Glad to hear baby Lake is kicking lots! Baby town scared me a bit Tues night/Wed morning, I could feel small twitches but a distinct lack of big kicks compared to before. Then he started with some nice strong kicks again, so I think he must just have changed position. I'm not 28 weeks yet, so I guess he can still get in a position where I can't feel so much.
I'm also finishing work (hopefully!) at end of 35 weeks, end of August. Still feels like a long way off, and I can't imagine getting there. My cover is arriving 21st July though, so actually only 2 weeks more before handover, woohoo!

40 degrees?! God, I couldn't cope with that at all. I'm glad I can drive into work every day!

I'm from the Wirral. I don't mind saying that, I'm not very anonymous on here and I think fairly identifiable from my posts!

I had a little cry today with DH. I'd just got myself into a tizzy with the nursery. I'm not changing it but there are things we bought for James in there, that I identify so strongly with him. DH said we don't have to get rid of them but we could put them in the loft. But that feels to me like I'm boxing him away into the loft.

A hot train sounds like a less than pleasant experience!!
It was hot up North, so must have been ridiculously hot in the South!

Flambola you're certainly not packing him away, but I can see why you'd feel that way..

It's hard, because there are joyous/painful memories attached to the things we bought for little ones.

I had a moment today in the car.. It was having it's bi-annual Hoover & polish ha (bloody chore!) & I was hoovering the seat next to DS's. The seat where I had put DD's car seat all ready to go whilst in early labour, almost a year ago. Hit me like a tonne of bricks. I don't know how I'll feel when I see that car seat again..

town not long until handover then! Blimey, you'll be on mat leave before you know it :)

I forgot my other 'hot day' story. TMI probably, but hey! After I got off said 'oven train' and got to where I was headed, it was time to take my twice-a-day progesterone dose (taken where the sun doesn't shine). It had melted. I managed to get about 2/3rds out the plastic in a goopy mess.

Lake glad your getting lots of movement I think sometimes I thought he was moving constantly, but I think it's because I was so aware this time where as with dd I didn't have a clue!i was under the same consultant but ended up actually seeing a different one as I wasn't happy with him

Winter I'm from B'ham. It's been boiling, tiny bit of rain that freshened everything up last night, but still too warm for me!

Tbh, I kind of felt better when I thought there was no cause for what happened. I just don't know how to feel

Town the lady coming isn't actually from tommys, but I did get a lot of helpful advice from them. Hope your cover can take a load of work off you and make it easy for you in your last few weeks at work! I never got cover they were too tight. Think you may have to get a cool box for your thingys! I'm not going to attempt how to spell it!

Flambola, sending you hugs. I find the nursery bit was so difficult especially as we had to re decorate as there was a floral feature wall. I cried. I would of kept it but we don't have another room big enough for ds and all his stuff. I have dd's things in my wardrobe, I couldn't put them up the loft either. I also have some of her little things dotted around my bedroom etc.

Sorry to not name check everyone. It's bloody difficult on your phone!

Hugs to everyone
X

winter i'm in the north-west (Lancashire) and we had the rain yesterday too, which was nice as it cooled things down for a bit, but then it was back to boiling hot again today. I'm not overly worried about baby's head engaging as Brian engaged from 28 weeks and was still 5 day overdue . Sorry to hear you had that moment in the car- how are you feeling now?

town i'm a full-time mum. I stopped working when Brian's issues started as there were so many appointments to take him to there's no way my boss at the time would have been understanding about it. Naughty baby town to scare you like that, glad he's been kicking lots since. Hopefully your work handover will help to "speed up the time" so to speak.

flambola sending hugs your way. Could you possibly put James' things somewhere else other than the loft/attic? That way it hopefully won't feel like you're boxing him away.

Love to all xx

Nice to get an idea of where you're all from - even though we're all too far spread for a meet up (& that's not really everybody's cup of tea anyways) it's nice to build a better picture of you all that sounds a bit creepy, but I'm honestly not a weirdo! Promise

kayleigh I'm also Lancashire - although not under LCC as our council decided to break away & go it alone in the 90s.. Random bit of info there ha!
That's good to know an engaged head doesn't mean much given past experience! And it's also good to know this baby won't have the liberty of staying put & being overdue! 7 weeks or so for you now isn't it?!

I'm feeling okay today thank you :) funny how it comes & goes isn't it!
I'm a lot more up and down now it's her birthday month purely because it was such a happy time for us last July, until it wasn't..

I turned over the calendar for July yesterday (tad late).. It was one my mum made for me and I've always stated it's important that DD remains a part of our lives/memories, so July was a picture of my DS making a rainbow picture out of ribbon to give to DD when she was in NICU & to put with her in her coffin. God, did I cry like a baby. He just looked so happy because he had no idea what it all meant .. So the calendar is staying on June until I'm ready to deal with that!

town oh goodness - not at all envious of the gloopy pessary hahah! grim stuff right there!

zombie I'm still so bloody angry for you that it's taken them so long to get this vital info to you.. What if this info could have affected further pregnancies!? And they've been pissing around - how long does it genuinely take to put everything from a postmortem down into the written word..

Will the person coming around be going through the contents of the letter, or are they coming to discuss the hospital procedures which have clearly failed you?
I generally try to look to the future as we cannot change the past, so completely understand that it must be hard reliving the whole experience, but in a different way (new info)..

Winter, the calendar sounds so lovely, feels wrong saying that though , you keep it July as long as you need.

To be honest I feel kind of lost. The lady coming round was supposed to just ring me back and discuss my options in terms of going through pm with me more, organising a consultant appointment and explaining complaints and who I can write to etc. I spoke to her the other day and she seemed very upset (definitely not the right word but I I can't think at the mo) by my story. I missed the call and had a voicemail saying she's coming round

I'm so sorry I have been so self centred recently. I'm so confused right now

X

Thanks zombie :)

You're not being self centred at all! - & to be fair, this is probably one of the few places we have to talk openly about our experiences/issues.. So there's no shame in using this thread as a sounding board..

By the sounds of it, your experience was worth more than a telephone call & she was incensed enough to step it up to what she feels is an appropriate response on her behalf. We'll all be here to work through it with you should you need a hand to hold :)

Hello can I join please? My beautiful angel dd was born sleeping 12th March this year. I was overdue and they have no idea why she died..She would nearly be four months old now. I'm 8 weeks pregnant and I am all over the place emotionally. I go from excitement to dread and hope to fear constantly. I am struggling extra much as the moment because quite a few people, who only announced their pregnancies while I had a decent bump, have had, or are about to have their babies, and here I am still pregnant (not even obviously) with nothing to show for it but a tiny grave. I have so far to go still in this pregnancy an yet I feel like I have been pregnant forever. I guess it will just be nice passing the time with people further down the line who know how it feels. It will help knowing there is an end in sight and hopefully for all of us a happy ending.

winter it's about 6 and a half weeks now, it feels like forever away right now, so i'm just trying to keep busy in the hope it helps pass the time between appointments. Ben's birthday month was a tricky one for me too, i was dreading the actual day but when it actually arrived it wasn't as hard as i was expecting it to be. I hope the month is gentle on you

zombie you're not being self-centred at all. You've been thrown into emotional turmoil again so your head is bound to be all over the place. We'll all be here to help you through it.

3little so sorry for the loss of your darling dd. Your emotions about your rainbow pregnancy sound perfectly normal to me, i've battled at times and unlike you i haven't had to deal with anyone around me having a baby. Are you having extra appointments with this pregnancy? I've found having extra appointments has helped pass the time.

I am absolutely furious today for what seems the pettiest reason. Colleague is complaining about the most insignificant fucking things today; an example - there being a minute difference between the clock and computer phones. God fucking help me.

Sorry for the bad language!

Welcome 3. So sorry to hear about your lovely dd. did you manage to spend time with her? I lost my first child (dd) in February 2014, I gave birth to my rainbow in December 2014. Pregnancy after loss is such a difficult thing to do, this thread definitely helped me through it all, I hope you find the same x

Flambola, I often have weeks like that

Well I worked myself up for this appt and the lady didn't turn up I tried ringing but her phones constantly engaged

Hugs to everyone. X

Thanks for the welcomes.
Flambola maybe she is a tad unorganised and that extra minute is really important to her
Zombie I'm sorry about your beautiful dd too but so very happy about your lovely rainbow. Was the birth hard emotionally this time around?
I haven't had any official appointments yet. I had an early scan, due to spotting, which showed a little heartbeat. I have my booking in appointment tomorrow but it is with the homebirth team at home. I'm a little worried I was sort of hoping for maximum scans/appointments, then any sort of intervention I could get. Homebirth sounds very minimal and not reassuring. I was down for a homebirth with my dd, as I was considered low risk. I guess that risk just wasn't low enough.
Does anyone have any tips about what to ask about or push for at my booking in appointment. I'm sick with worry about it.

It was very hard 3! But well worth it

I was booked about 4 extra scans but around 24 weeks I became so anxious I ended up with fortnightly scans and weekly ctg monitoring, at the end the ctgs were daily and I was induced at 37 weeks due to anxiety.

Did you have a pm on dd? Are you under a consultant? Have you requested a home birth? Sorry for the question overload!

They couldn't find out why she died, everything came back clear and she was a good weight. The day I found out her heart had stopped I was very active, trying to go into labour, so I thought she was moving when in actual fact she was just getting bumped about When we went for the consultants appointment I said we were trying again and the consultant led me to believe I would've under her, but now having received this letter saying I'm under the homebirth team it has really thrown me. I hope if I show signs of being anxious they will see me more often, like they did with you. I can already feel myself wobble and it is such early days! I'll be grey this time next year!

That's what happened to me, I thought her movements had just slowed down but Infact they had stopped all together and the movements were just me jiggling her

I would have thought you would definitely be under a consultant. Don't be afraid to ask for the care you want & deserve. My booking appt was done at home, maybe it's just that? I didn't see my consultant until 9 weeks then i didn't see a consultant until 26 weeks when my bereavement midwife kicked off that I hadn't seen anyone after I went in to hospital in a state saying he wasn't moving and they gave me a better consultant.

Do you have a bereavement midwife you could speak to? Or maybe a midwife you have been in contact with more?

Hi all, I stopped getting the update emails and so haven't checked in for a while. I've tried to catch up but on my phone so it's a bit difficult! From what I can see everyone's doing ok generally speaking which is great.

Town- I did see your comment re progesterone and it made me giggle! I'm in dubai so it's 40 plus
But thank god I am inside almost 24/7 with lots of air con! But my progesterone is in the fridge, I also use them where the sun doesn't shine and don't recommend doing it straight from the fridge

Afm I'm about 22.5 weeks so getting to a v crucial stage for me. Had a scan yest and next one in ten days. Keeping a v close eye on my cervix and stitch. Seems ok tho I know things can change quickly. Being a bit bored doing v little but slowly getting there day by day.

I was thinking the other day I've been almost constantly pregnant for over a year now. I found out I was pregnant with my angel on 1 July 2014. Obviously I'm not moaning that I was lucky enough to get pregnant so quickly after my loss but it does make me feel like I've been pregnant forever! But then it occurred to me many of you girls who went to full term with your angels and then got pregnant again quickly must feel even more so like its a blooming long pregnancy! X

Hi everyone, had a quick read back but so much has happened I can't keep track!
3little welcome and sorry for your loss. I hope they are able to answer questions about your care. I would have thought you would be under consultant care. I will be seeing my consultant for the first time at 16 weeks, care doesn't seem to differ until later on down the line.

Well I'm nearly 13 weeks now, had my scan last week and all looked good. Felt sad as I just feel so different compared to last time. No excitement, just moving from one goalpost to another. Everyone at work has found out, had hoped I could keep it secret for a while longer. I've met up with friends though and I just can't tell them, not sure why, think I just want to act normal for as long as I can! I think someone asked where we all are, I'm Nottinghamshire. Nice to get an idea of where we're all from.
zombie sorry to hear you've had an awful time recently, I hope it all gets sorted. How is your anxiety doing? Your question got me wondering though, did everyone get a letter? I didn't have a pm but obviously they did investigate, should I have received something in writing?

I hope everyone is ok. Now I don't feel like I've been run over by a bus I hope to be on more often!

Welcome 3little, so sad reading your story and brought back all sorts of memories of those first few months. I found 1st trimester really tough, much worse than first time round, I think because you just feel rubbish and anxious without any of the happy excited feelings.
You should definitely be under consultant care. My booking appt was mostly me giving them info, rather than the other way round, but the most important thing was that it was when they sorted me out with my first consultant's appt. Don't let the MW go without insisting on it. My first consultant appt was just to go through my plan of care for the rest of the pregnancy, no examinations or anything, so the sooner the better really, as it'll probably make you less anxious if you have some idea of how your care will be managed.

ellie glad you're feeling better, roll on 2nd trimester eh.
I had a followup meeting with my consultant approx 8 weeks after G was born. She then wrote it up and sent it to me in a letter. I also got the medical notes from G's birth. I'm under a different consultant for this pregnancy (as I've moved area), and he found the letter was very useful.

April ouch, yes straight from the fridge sounds like a very bad idea! My stuff at home is ok, it's just when I'm out and about at the moment taht I have no hope of keeping it cool. Still pregnant though! Thinking of you this week. When you have your next scan you'll be viable!! I started feeling slightly better around 23+5

Zombie when is the lady coming round?

Flambola totally know that feeling. Time for a cup of tea

AFM, had my 28 week midwife appt today. She was nice, listened to my story, asked the usual questions about whether I'd had/needed any counselling or extra support. I've got 28 weeks scan on Thursday, and the MW said my scans from now on would likely be with the 'berevement sonographer' - apparently they have such a thing at my hospital! So, I shall find out on Thursday if the system works and I'm booked with the right person. Baby is kicking nicely and his heartbeat was spot on today, so I'm not overly worried.

April, glad the stitch is looking ok so far, I thought the progesterone (sp?) was an injection is it a suppository!? Sorry to sound silly, but what does it do?

Ellie the 'non excitement' is completely normal. I didn't get excited about my pregnancy at all as far as I can remember. Sounds bad but 100% of my pregnancies before then had ended in stillbirth. But when my ds was here, I loved him more than ever and it was definitely worth the months of torture he gave me! . My anxiety is still very much present, although I feel it is getting better. To be completely honest, I think I may have had a bit of pnd, but my husband and I were having some problems (i didn't want to put it on here incase he found it) so didn't want to get help as I feared if we split up he would use it against me and take ds but things are looking a lot better now. I mainly have health anxiety for ds, I am now terrified of SIDS but I think I'm getting better each day.

Town, glad you have a nice midwife, good luck for your scan. And a bereavement sonogropher sounds ace! Hopefully they will know to start with hb etc and know what a stressful experience it is for you. I didn't have a bereavement one where I was but he definitely was amazing and I shall be mentioning him to the hospital when I speak to them. He went out his way to make sure i saw him each time and always started with the hb I even took him a present and card in. I felt bad I couldn't get him something better, he was so good to me. The lady was meant to be coming today but never showed up I tried ringing her but the phone was constantly engaged. I feel drained. I feel like I have been fighting for a year and a half for someone to listen to me about something but no one will and I think this affects my anxiety .

X

Oh Zombie sometimes that is all you need, someone to listen to you.

3little I too would have assumed that you'd be under a consultant with this pregnancy, if you're not happy with the care make sure you tell them what you want/need. I originally wasn't getting much extra care until i had a bit of a meltdown as it was approaching Ben's birthday and i got in touch with the bereavement nurse at the hospital, who in turn introduced me to the bereavement midwife, who has been wonderful. I've already had 1 extra scan, i have 1 this Friday and one in 4 weeks time, and as long as my scans are all ok i'll be induced in the 37th week.

april i'm glad everything is looking good with you. I have times where i feel like i've been pregnant for ages even though there was an 8 month gap between Ben and finding out i was expecting rainbow, but the bereavement nurse said she's had a few mums who have felt like that.

ellie glad you don't feel like you've been hit by a bus any more i think the not feeling excited is normal to be honest. I've had very few excited moments, i'm just focusing on getting from one week/appointment to the next really.

town glad things are going well with you. The bereavement sonographer sounds like a fab idea, i didn't even know such people even existed! I hope the scan goes well.

zombie sorry to hear the lady hasn't been in touch with you. It's so rubbish that you've geared yourself up for seeing her and then it doesn't happen, as you say it doesn't help with your anxiety. I hope she's in touch soon.

AFM very nearly took myself off to hospital yesterday due to having some rather odd pains while collecting the dc's from school. DH ordered me to rest when i got home, which i did. Baby had a good old wriggle as soon as i'd got comfy and the pain stopped so i think she'd managed to get herself in an awkward position . Got midwife tomorrow then extra scan on Friday so we'll find out what she's been up to.

Love to all xx

Kayleigh I hope your midwife and extra scan goes well.
The midwives today were very lovely and understanding. They are happy for me to go into hospital to be induced and they are making me an appointment with the consultant for the same day as my 12 week scan but they said they would still like me to be under them (homebirth) for the normal midwife checks as they are a small team and all emotionally involved in my pregnancy. It is nice I guess to feel cared for.