RM OCTOBER 2014 thread - Today we are pregnant

[TinyTear]

Hi
This is a thread for people due in October with past miscarriage issues, so we don't scare the 'regular' October people and we don't annoy the RM thread with our pregnancy talk...

TinyTear MC May 2010, MC June 2010, MC November 2010, DD Jan 2012, MC October 2013 ADD 6th October

Millys all home dyes are pretty safe. BUT you can end up with a rash as your skin can be very sensitive so do a strand test even if you've used the brand many times.

Ah I'm watching last nights OBEM and crying (again). It too makes me so desperate for it to be us (me and DH) again and that combined with someone sticking photos on FB of their kids saying '6 months already' - and she was due about two weeks after my first mc baby. Whilst still sad for the ones I've lost I'm Just praying I don't lose this one too.

Great scan news tayto and hope all went well this pm jbrd. And fx for all other scans this week.

squiz everyone is different but with others pregnancy news during my mc and ttc hell, I much preferred people to tell me by text or email so I had time to process it before I saw them. I needed to have a cry and a 'why not me' rant by myself and get my head round it before I saw them. Otherwise I would just burst out crying in front of them and have to talk to them when wanted to be on my own to come to terms with it. I think I ended up telling most people I knew were ttc that - if you get pregnant please don't arrange to meet and tell me, just text me! Whatever though I Definately think you should give a heads up before you announce it more widely.

I did NCT with my son and it was great group. Is luck of the draw who you get but important to book early so you get the local one you want with the right due dates so everyone is going through same phases with baby when they are born. I'm still friends with all mine now - not without challenge though as they have all had second babies... But I was quite honest with them about how much I was struggling and needed to stay away from them at times rather than be surrounded by them and their 'twos' or bumps. It was and is still tough.

Sorry to hear about migraines and flu feelings. I hope you all feel better soon.

buggerlugs am 14 weeks 3d but really don't want to take any risks.

Am I the same this is my fourth pregnancy and by far the furthest I have got. If this doesn't work out I won't cope I know it. This is my last chance as I don't feel emotionally strong enough to go through this again. Plus my best friend is due 1 day after me and I am going to struggle watching her child knowing it should be me as well. I don't know what I will do. Big life change I guess. Just praying it works out because the alternative is scary as hell. Xx

Bugs that's interesting: St Mary's said all UK dyes are safe and have no link to MC whatsoever (checked specifically- also on NHS website, they agree). Is it a specific thing to do with your diagnosis?

Thank you for the welcomes everyone. This is definitely a supportive thread and I'm so grateful to you all for sharing your experiences.

Fedupofrainydays, what you said about hearing other people's news really rings true. Bear with me, I know I'm waffling but I need to get this off my chest. Just stop reading if bored, lol. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I am surrounded by pregnant friends and new mums at the moment. It's all over facebook, I bump into them in the street and I have been really struggling to cope.

My best friend hasn't even been with her new bloke for a year. The first time they saw me, in the pub, after my miscarriage he announced that they were trying for a baby. I coped with that ok. Then a month ago, he came to the pub without her for my husband's birthday and called me over to look at a photo on his phone. It was a scan picture. I'm afraid that I had no control over my reaction and I just bust out crying. I felt like such a ridiculous drama queen. Unbeknownst to me I was already pregnant; as far as I was concerned we had been trying again for 5 months, my periods were not back to normal and I was still grieving.

I had spent the previous day with my friend and she said nothing. I had suspected that she was pregnant weeks earlier and asked but she lied and said no. When I got home there was a FB message with a picture of the scan and nothing more. I replied saying how happy I was for them but saying that she'd have to bear with me because I was still really emotional and that the doctors were running tests to find out why I wasn't falling pregnant again. I've had no reply. Nor did I get a reply to a message a few days later seeing whether she wanted to meet up.

Truth is that when I lost my first baby I felt absolutely devastated, lost, guilty and as though I'd failed. I've never been very maternal and all of this came as such a shock: how attached you can be to a baby that you only carried for a few months, who actually only lived for less than 8 weeks (but I carried for 12). I don't think that my friend has any idea at all of what it's like. She has never even asked me about it or how I am getting on. I have so much admiration for all of you on here for getting on with life and trying again after going through that. Let's hope that we all have sticky beans this time.

Millysdream, good luck with your pregnancy this time. One of my closest friends and I shared a due date. She just had hers and she is a beautiful little girl. Luckily I learned that I was pregnant on the due date of the baby I lost. Bitter sweet.

Bugs, sending sticky thoughts to your baby. I can't imagine going through that three times. You're so brave.

Hello new peeps

There are people, in my experience, who haven't mc who are genuinely supportive and just 'get it', but the majority who haven't just don't understand. They don't understand the grief, the emotional upheaval of ttc after a loss and the inescapable fear and anxiety in the first trimester. And some struggle to acknowledge it at all, as if they fear it is contagious somehow or that it's just not that big a deal.

And I really have to bite the bullet and phone the midwives to get myself in to the system tomorrow.

buggerlugs my dream was to get a scan picture after sitting in scan waiting rooms surrounded by other (sometimes rough) pregnant women all waving one around. I got that last time I went:) the joy and relief lasted about 9 days before I feel panic set in again. I don't know if I will ever relax. Hence why the scan on thu. It is taking over my life not knowing if things are ok. After being told on a scan that the babies heart has stopped beating, I will never enjoy or relax during a scan and I am constantly worried it will happen again. This time is different. I know that but my rational thoughts are soon dismissed by my crazy ones.

It is hard yet inevitable that we are surrounded by babies and pregnant women. Last year we knew of 8 couples trying excluding us. 2 have had babies and 2 are pregnant. A few others are having some issues. The two who had babies knew of my situation but never once asked how I was or if I was ok. These two were from work and they just sat talking babies for 6 months and excluded me. I was very upset about it at first but I feel they have shown my their true colours. One even said- I don't know why you are getting yourself so upset over miscarriages. I had one and it didn't really upset me!!!!!!!!! Well easy to say with a young child and a pregnancy bump! I have cut these people out of my life now. Luckily one isn't returning to work and the other only for 2 days. So I will be polite and smile but our friendship is gone.

You really see who your true friends are in time of need xxx

Sorry to hear of your awful story Milly and wandering. People in rw really don't get it. Some are well meaning and just generally don't know what to say and others...well yes they unfortunately show their true colours. People around me now generally listen and say I don't know what to say but I'm hear which is so much better.
Jbrd are you ok?
Good luck for anyone having a scan today.

Here!!

Wandering Do you think she is keeping her distance because you burst into tears at the scan photo? Not your fault at all- but she might simply be terrified, have found out 2nd hand (with possible exa and avoiding the whole thing. She might literally not know what to say.
I think it's common to assume 'they just don't know what it's like' but in many cases it's 'they don't know what to do without upsetting us'. And the answer is, it will upset people anyway. When you see some rants online from women in our boat at their darkest depths (actually almost wishing ill on others, assuming they scratch their bumps 'on purpose', proposing babyfood aisles be covered like tobacco counters to prevent offence - all seen on the MC assoc FB page) it's terrifying telling someone after loss or infertility. I am saying that as a recurrent miscarrier currently worried about telling a friend. Not because I have no idea how it feels, but because I'm just not sure how/if I can do it without massively upsetting her. There just isn't a way, is there.

Bugs Was the same with nail polish. Witchy untreated nails. Discovered Mavala is on offer, and now I'm 2nd trimester gonna use it: www.debenhams.com/mavala

Millys I had a colleague (post menopausal with 2 kids) suggest my miscarriages were made up/exaggerated as I'm not coping with my job which she wanted and me going crackers would suit her (ha! I built my team up from zero to top 1% in the UK on measures, far younger than her, not my problem I'm good at my job) from reading 'those books about it' (the Lesley Regan one you'd only buy if you'd had a loss). Including my threatened chemo for the partial molar. Had several colleagues off having babies, I was always sad and wistful but never angry with them. They were quite forthright and kind - not banging on about babies but not leaving me out "when the hospital treats you, you'll be in our boat" kind of attitude. Sometimes I'd just think "what if they don't" but thankfully they did.

I have my booking in appointment next Friday.
deep breath

Hello all, sorry to hear that some of you are having problems with friends - it's a tricky one! Like Milly said, in situations like this you really do find out who is a friend.

squiz From my own experience and from talking to others, I would text/email your friend in advance to let her know. I have always found it very difficult hearing other people's announcements, and it has really helped me to know beforehand, so I could deal with it in private. And I know that many of my friends in similar situations feel the same.

So, in other news, I had my scan at the FMC yesterday - little bean still there, with a heart beating away measurements also good, although she said I'm 9+6 instead of 10+2. Which doesn't worry me as such, as I think this is well within the acceptable inaccuracy range of an US scan.
The very annoying thing was that the fetus wasn't big enough for them to do the Harmony test (it needs to be at least 33mm, and mine measured 30.5mm). And they wouldn't budge, so if I want the test, I will have to go back next week again to have another scan and then the bloods taken.

I'm quite disappointed with the FMC, to be honest. They did not seem to care in any way about my history, my miscarriages, anything. I filled in a form with my details, and that was it. No questions, no background story was asked about. All the sonographer seemed to care about was to get the dates right for the Harmony test. It was only after the scan that I managed to tell her about my mcs (I felt I needed to explain why I was crying).
And don't even get me started on the receptionist

So I'm now trying to decide if I go ahead with having the Harmony test now, or wait until my NHS nuchal scan results...

Jbird So... even posh doctor receptionists are hard-faced then? Blimy. Bupa would make £££ if they cracked that one...
BUUUT so glad you had a nice little HB scan PHEW! When you didn't message I was worried!

Shire FX! :) My MW was lovely and extra helpful because of my history.

Bugs :( That pre-scan fear. I wouldn't let my DH buy photo tokens until after a HB was seen at my 12 weeks. I sent warning messages to my HR manager and fam that I 'might need some time off'. But it was all OK.
Big FX and positive vibes for you!!! :)

Bugs I had no symptoms at all until about 8 weeks, when the sickness hit. Before that, I was just tired, but I'm usually tired because I'm rubbish at going to bed early.
When is your scan? Try to distract yourself as much as possible is the only advice that I can give - the wait is horrible.

Great news jbrd!!

Travelling today so poor reception and little time to text. Suffice to say that I have also felt quiet let down by people's responses or more usually lack of responses. Though i also have a pals who is just great, I guess some people just don't know what to say. Though a few are just a bit thoughtless,

Emailed my new boss, and briefly told her I was pregnant. I also mentioned that there is still some uncertainty given two previous late mcs. I told her I would need two days off for minor pregnancy related surgery. I got a one liner back: "thanks for letting me know; will u be taking the time off from annual leave?". Not even hello/congratulations or any acknowledgement that it might not b easy. My esteem for her had taken a serious nose - dive. Maybe she is just less experienced in managing people than I thought.

tayto Urgh, sounds as if your boss lacks some basic people skills there! And management knowledge! If you are taking off time for pg related issues, of course it won't come off your annual leave! Even if not pg, this would be classed as a medical appointment anyway?!

Great news jbrd really pleased for you.
Tayto your boss can't make you take it as annual leave surely!
I've decided (I think) to cancel Saturday's scan and wait a little bit longer, really don't want an uncertain scan. Do you think 8 weeks is a good time to have one?