October 2013: Growing bumps and the second trrimester glowing begins!

[OrangeBlossom2]

Welcome to thread six of the October bus. how long will this one last us?!

Old thread here

Stats thread here

Hello everyone.

Sorry for not catching up properly, I need to vent as I've nobody else in RL who knows or would get it.

Ages ago I posted about how happy I was that BIL and SIL had finally fallen pregnant after 6 years now of trying. They had 3 unsuccessful rounds of IVF in the uk and couldnt afford another, so theymoved to Thailand where SIL is from to have a try on the healthcare there. They finally caught 10 weeks ago and we were all so happy, my baby would have a cousin and we were going to have a massive family christmas with two newborns (the first two).

BIL has just let us know that the baby has died. They are out of chances (only one try in Thailand) and I feel so horrible. We fell pregnant the first month, we are still young and I'm not getting excited about our baby. I'm not feeling a bond and am so humbled by this news as I don't deserve this baby at all, SIL would do anything to have one and we kind of ended up falling pregnant on a whim. Our baby is wanted but not desperately longed for, and I am so angry at the world. I feel so unbelievably guilty.

Even worse, the email BIL sent was in reply to our scan picture which I finally felt safe to send them.

Sorry, it just helps to write it down. I have to clean my face up to go to work as I'm a wet puffy mess!

Oh Umlauf, that's horrible. Sorry to hear that. Your poor BIL and SIL.

I know, I'm sorry to have miseried-up the thread.

I just don't know what to say to them. I also feel massively upset that my parents inlaw are pissed off at me for it not being me, they have never liked me much. I can understand why they are though.

I'm so sorry about your bil and sil umlauf. that's very sad news. its not the same situation but I feel a bit the same at the moment. we lost dp's cousin to can't this week. its very sad obviously but to add to it I feel so guilty. I had cancer myself 3 years ago and went through very similar to him but while he has passed away 3 years on I'm in prefer health and even expecting a baby which I didn't even dream would happen. I feel so guilty whenever I see his aunt, she's lost her only son and will never be a grandma and there I am with everything so good. I think its survivors guilt. its hard to get excited about baby. sorry, didn't mean to turn this into a me me me post. I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. I'm sure your bil and sil are still really happy for you, it might just take them time to adjust xx

Hi unlauf, that's just rubbish. I understand you must feel so guilty at the moment. When I told my one of my good friends I was pregnant this time after my 12 week scan, she then told me they'd been trying for years, and still no luck, and she was really upset about it, I felt really bad, and still am struggling to act 'normal' with her, because I just don't know what to say. I want to make it better for her, but obviously fertility is such a stressful and unpredictable thing, I just don't know how to help

Thank you so much for sharing that roofio, you made me cry again! I'm so sorry about your dps cousin, and that you went through everything yourself. Survivors guilt.... I think you are right. But you fought cancer and deserve everything you have, and I'm sure you appreciate everything so much more. Your poor, poor aunt. The baby will be so important to your family though, a new generation. Unmumsnetty hugs xxx

Umlauf, that's awful news and I understand why you feel the way you do. Feel free to vent at us, it's what we're here for!

thanks umlauf I didn't mean to turn it round to me, just made me think of my situation. I'm hoping dp's aunt will be really involved with baby but I'm worried she's going to distance herself. will your bil and sil stay out in Thailand? I imagine it will be hard with them so far away and not knowing quite how they're feeling/doing. hope you're feeling ok. hugs back x

Ahh xpost, thankyou rachel it must be so hard seeing her regularly and having the elephant in the room. What do you say?

I guess at least I have a whole lot of continent separating us from the physical contact with BIL and SIL. SIL is an orphan with no family of her own apart from BIL, and I know how desperately she needs this. She also left her home and culture to live with BIL in the uk and went from working in a well paid tourism job to working as a cleaner where she gets bullied for being a 'Thai bride.'

I just don't understand why such bad things happen to good people, and feel that logically DH and I are horrible people for having good things happen, otherwise we are good but something terrible is coming.

Oh god that was a long ramble!

I don't know roof they haven't decided yet. They have no chance in the UK whereas in Thailand its cheaper, but BIL isn't working there and the savings are running out.

Before I fell pregnant I was talking to DH about offering surrogacy for them, DH was completely against it though. Then I fell pregnant and the baby is due just before theirs should have been. It really really feels like its not supposed to be this way, its a freak of fate and its meant to be theirs.

I don't think your aunt will connect the baby to her son due to the age difference and there will be a good few months between his death and the baby's birth, but have you thought about using the cousins name as a middle name (if you like it)? Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn. It could go either way, she would either love it and feel honoured, or be reminded of his death though. I hope your DP is ok. It's not turning it round, it helps so much to share things. Thank you xx

umlauf please don't beat yourself up. It is terrible what your BIL and SIL are going through but it is not your fault.

I wish I could come to Spain to give you a RL person to talk to but I can't. Do not feel guilty for being pregnant, do not feel guilty for falling pregnant quickly and more importantly do not think you do not deserve this baby. Your little one is a miracle and it is dreadfully sad that your in laws are going through this but I don't think for a moment they will want you to feel like this. Please take care today x

umlauf yes if its a boy I want to ask his aunt how should would feel about it. it would go very nicely with the first name we want and dp's surname

Cherry - let us know how the extra check up goes this morning... It'll be fine I am sure!

Smitten - thinking of you when you get the call.....

Sorry about your SIL Umlauf. Don't worry about bonding etc for now..... I promise it all slots into place the moment the baby arrives. I didn't feel particularly bonded with DD before she came, but the moment she arrived she was my everything!

Umlauf, very sad about BIL and SIL, but you deserve your own baby just as anyone does.

We have friends who have been trying for over 2 years, she is 42 he is 43, she opened up to me once and said she was devastated as she thought she had left it too late to concieve (they have no other children) and that she may never get her much wanted baby.

They live in Melbourne so we don't see them often obviously, anyway my DP called her DP on Friday night to announce our news...and the phone call went like this "we have some news to share, we're going to have a baby" their response "wow congrats, we also have some news to share we are also having a baby" it was the best news we received all week, and totally made up for them! As you I was worried about telling them as I felt guilty and really sorry for them....So sometimes miracles do happen and I hope this will be the case with your SIL and BIL.. Big hugs and sorry for long post xx

Can I ask you ladies a question who've had 16 week midwife appointments did your DP/DH attend with you? Mine assumed he was coming but wasn't sure what the protocol is regarding this?

Smitten I hope you get the results today and everything is crossed it's good news xx

flyer interestingly I'm just in waiting room for my 16 week app. I'm alone because I felt it was a waste of dp's time off. there is me and 3 other obviously pg women waiting for mw and only one has brought her dp. don't know if this is the norm,but an interesting observation!!

My FB won't be coming to my 16 (18) week check as it is 8am and he will be getting our other 3 children ready for school. He is coming to the 20 week scan though as I will need him there if there is a heart problem with this baby

FB?.... I mean dh

flyer my DH couldn't make it to our 16w appointment due to work commitments and the MW didn't comment. However he would have been there if he could so he could've heard baby's heartbeat (the MW did let me record it on my phone to play for him later though!)

normal appointments I have always gone alone, and only taken dh for scans.

umlauf i know exactly how you feel..... my Mum's best friend had had several IVF attempts (at least 4) unsuccessfully and then when I was 14 I fell pg completely by accident with ds 1. I was terrified of seeing her - I thought she would be so angry with me. I thought she would hate me - I didn't even mean to get pg and had, while she had tried so so hard and just couldn't. But she was fine. when I saw her i burst into tears, and she just hugged me. She said it was noone's fault, and I shouldn't feel guilty - I hadn't hurt her on purpose.

They went on to adopt, from abroad, and 15 months after that she fell pg completely out of the blue and had another little boy

They were over the moon, and were a very happy family - then her dh got lung cancer and sadly passed away just before the boys turned 5 and 7

life's a bitch sometimes!

Dh is coming but onu by chance his day off this week is Friday and so is my appt. he's quite interested to hear the hb which the mw said she would do.

G

Dh is coming but only by chance his day off this week is Friday and so is my appt. plus the mw said she would def do the hb which I think he's looking forward to.

Good luck today cherry

I normally go alone to me appts as its all quite full really apart from the hb listening. DH comes to scans though.
Sorry to hear of SIL umlauf, life is unfair sometimes terribly so but in the long term they will be so happy for you and you mustn't feel guilty. We have friends ttc at the mo and have been for a while and I dreaded telling them incase it upset them. It didnt of course because I think true friends should be happy for you no matter what. As for bonding with the baby don't worry you will the minute you see her:him, it's really the most wonderful thing.
Good luck today cherry

DH has only ever come to scans, and then only planned ones (had extra growth scans later on with DD as my bump was too small!). In fact, with DD he only came to the 12 w scan as he's a teacher and couldn't get time off for the 20 w. He's coming to the 20 w this time though. I wouldn't want DH there really at my mw appointments. They're quite "female"... I've discussed discharge, odd pains (which I have likened to period pains/ too much sex etc!) and things like varicous veins and post preg sex etc... Also later internal exams and sweeps (like a smear really). Not one for men in my opinion!!!

just had my 16 week app. midwife is really lovely. heard heart beat and I held the doppler in place while she fished around my handbag for my phone so I could record it for dp. got a good video of it can't wait to show him!!!