The PESH in a manger

[LadyGoneGaga]

No booze for our heads,
No clubbing, no Class A's,
No more pants of red

The midwives in the hossie,
Looked down where we lay,
A bunch of old, evil hags,
Fucked on Gas and A.

Ho, ho, ho you bunch of Hoes.

BESH BAYBEES
dontrythisathome, girl born March 25.
Cheggers, twinz girlz, born April.
FannyPriceless, boy, born June 8.
CurlyCasper, girl, born June 24.
CUNextTuesday, boy, born June 29.
AlpinePony, boy, born 1 July.
Carrots, boy, born July.
IggyPiggy, girl, born July.
Cosmosis, boy, born Sept 5.
Backinthebox, boy, born Sept 7.
Skatergrrrl, girl, born Sept 10.
VAG, boy, born Oct 2.
Silversky, boy, born Nov 1
SomethingSuitablyWitty, girl born Nov 2
okiecokie, girl, born Nov 12
Honeymoo, boy, born Nov 11
ReginaMonologue, boy, born Nov 13

UPDIFFED

maswera, can't possibly be having a baybee next week, due December 11
PollyPoo, wants to name her baybee after the dog, The New Messiah is due December 25
MrsFC, joining whether she wants to or not, due 22 Jan
ChoChoSan, "and Lo! The lord did resurrect her petrified womb", due 31 Jan
CluckyKate, hatching an egg, due February 2
Perfect Dromedary, defied medical science, due February 24
Muser, blooming at last, due February 27
Ginhag, reckless cake-carrier, due 28th Feb
Medee, finally over the Haribo craving, due March 12
Casserole, completely out of witty things to add, due April 8
Scorpette, now carrying a RL baby in addition to Clothilda and the squid, due 18th May.
Laurielou, the unmarried hussy with the "surprise" diff, due 31 May (ish)
Rocketleaf, no longer jealous of morning sickness, due 1 June.
Twinkle Toes, supergluing her fanjo shut, due 23 June.
LadyGoneGaga, Compulsive Stick pisser, due 28 July

Is there anything I can do for leg cramps? I woke up screaming in pain last night (TBG was very drunk and did not stir). It still hurts now. Ouchy.

usually not much more than move them about, but have you thought about your pillow and sleep positioning, it is putting undue pressure somewhere while you support your bump?

And I second FTFO.

Oooh, feel for you there Muse. Although I think the only thing you can do for cramp is thrash around on the bed swearing...

I third FTFO. (I think we may have yet another acronym) Tell TG to HTFU and get his car himself. [preggoRage]

Thanks for all the kind advice/sympathy re: folks yesterday. I was going to reply with some more details but found myself getting upset in work so had a break instead. Had a little chat with mum last night and feel better and a bit guilty for blaming her. Its hard on her and dad can be annoying at the best of times. I'm going to go down in the new year and look after him for a few days so she can have a bit of a break.

I now have a lovely image of lozzer squatting between bare breasted pol and mas tweaking a nipple each. Oh, might have to have a lie down.

I'll take over from you, Lozza, when your arms get tired

Rocket, you are a lovely daughter (and will be a lovely mum too). 30s are when we seem to start parenting our parents a bit, or so it seems. Your visit will be v good for both of them (but don't get sucked too much into being the one who sorts out their probs). Glad you had a nice chat with your mum - you sound like you have a good relationship where you can be open with them

Poll - another one who says tell him to FTFO but I fear you've already gone and done it for him. One of these days he's going to find a phalanx of battleaxes-in-training ESH on your doorstep wanting to have a word...

(I say 'in training' but I passed with flying colours years ago!)

Muser, I know some very specific dancey-prancey exercises to get rid of foot and leg cramp but they're hard to explain (and hard to do if you're not flexible - not saying you're not, but I don't know how flexible you are). Can you put the back of your toes on the floor and bend your foot on top of them?

Well, I walked for cunting miles in the rain to my bloody MW appointment and back just for her to tell me I don't have AIDS and the baby is v low-risk for Down's. Seeing as this is all already in my notes, I did ask her if the appointment was strictly necessary (in a nice way). When I was going, she asked me didn't I think that a cape was a bit flamboyant for a pregnant woman... WTF? (I must point out that I was not dressed as a feckin' matador!) I literally did this face: and said it was an investment piece to last me through pg and beyond. FFS. Maybe I should go and get some knitted fake Uggs and a Peacocks puffa jacket to fit in with the other (under 20) differds who were in the waiting room.

Perhaps a pink fake juicy couture trackie 'off of' the market?

Well in good news, work have asked me if I will do some freelance for them in the new year. It might only be the odd day but its better than nothing and will be nice to keep in touch with them all.

Also in further exhibition of our assistants 'cojones' he is currently working on an interview project, in work time, in full view of his manager. He has serious balls (or is just VERY confident he is going to get the other job) :o

Wow, that guy has chutzpah! I once heard that described as 'pissing in someone's letterbox then ringing the doorbell to ask how far it went down the hall' and that seems apt in Cojones Boy's case

I'm going to get some camel-toe emphasising jeggings and a pair of battered ballet shoes to complete my look. Which is what most of the women under 30 were wearing round here in the SNOW, I kid you not. I actually saw someone in a huge coat, hat, scarf, gloves, jeans, etc., then wearing peep-toe stiletto sandals in the snow!

It's ballet shoes in the snow, fake Uggs in the summer round here. Can't work that out.

I hope that doesn't read as me being horrendously snobby - I'm not talking about people who sadly can't afford suitable shoes for bad weather, I'm talking about mentals who wear summer shoes in the snow out of choice (or possibly stupidity)!

Well I did go to collect car as it gave me some much needed escape - but I made sure I left Boo at home with him. And then I stayed out for a couple of hours. If he is well enough to lie whining on the sofa he is well enough to do stuff around the house and help with Boo. I think it drove the point home, as as soon as I got home, he went to bed! Am I the only one who thinks that if you are really ill, you stay in bed and if you are not you go to work? Staying at home with children when you are 'ill' is not in any way restful unless you shut yourself away. A luxury I am not able to partake in... thank Alan I don't get ill very often!

I know it sounds like I am very unsympathetic. And it is true, I am. I can cope with ill people and love to look after folks, but I just cannot STAND whiners. If TG didn't whine I would probably be feeding him soup and mopping his brow right now.

Mas I am so with you on not wanting a xmas day laying.

I am liking FTFO btw. Vey good. Cheered me up that did. I will stop moaning now. Honest.

Can't bear the ill-whines either, poll. Grrrrr. Hope the Christmas babies glide out soon, though.

Am in Suffolk in lovely hotel for anniversary celebrations. Hadn't realised how stressed/tired I was until we got here. Will be mostly sleeping and eating between now and Christmas.

Oooh, and got to visit the lovely birthing centre on Sunday. Is AMAZE. Keep your fingers crossed for me that a) everything stays low-risk so I can go there and b) that lovely Juan ends up being my midwife. He is Spanish and has a Vandyke-y goatee and everything he said ended up translating in my head into 'my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die' which I reckon would consistently entertain me while giving birth.

Can't believe how personal your midwives get, Scorps! So far, mine just take my blood pressure, chat about the baby and listen to the hb, test my wee and then I bugger off!

drom hotel sounds LOVELY, as does Juan of the Midwives (ged it? same joke my dad used on holiday in spain when Juan of the Waiters took a shine to me) Enjoy your break and relax loads.

pol YOU are not moaning, (that would be TG) glad you got a bit of a break for a few hours, serves him right :o

score your midwife does sound like a bit of a 'card' is it the Ms/Mrs one?

Oh forgot to say, had my triple test yesterday at yet ANOTHER clinic, I was booked for 11.45, rang up at about 10.30 to try and figure out where exactly in the mahoosive hospital it was at. Was told it wasn't by appointment (which pissed me off cos could have gone first thing) and that she normally left at 11.30, oh and it would probably take me half an hour to get parked (hospital is 20 mins away) So off i rushed. Was all fine in the end but bloody hell, why did the other clinic make me an appointment for 11.45? Seems very much like the arse doesn't know what the elbow is doing but on the other hand each individual person I have dealt with has been bloody lovely. Anyway, if I don't hear anything for 10 days then its all good in the hood so fingers crossed.

Looking forward to meeting my proper MW finally on Thursday after speaking to her on the phone a few times. Also guess I will get to hear the heart beat for the first time! Whootles!

Mine seem to want to do v mumsy 'I know what's best for you' chat which is meant to come across as a well-meaning Aunty sorta thang, but it actually comes across as patronising. Think it's down to fact that most of the differs here are under 25 - what might just come across as motherly comments to a teen is inappropriate to a woman of my age. I'm so outside their usual demographic that it's hilarious!

I whine about illness but don't expect anyone to do anything for me. Which is bloody stupid, as the moaning makes me look miles less stoic than I am (or at least try to be) and I should actually be silent but accept help, durr!

Cameltoe, sleeping and eating sound like the perfect Xmas plan to me Hope you stay awake long enough to appreciate your swanky surroundings!

Pol, I think you're too sympathetic, not the other way round! I'm the soppiest fool around when it comes to TYF but have the opposite problem when it comes to him - he won't take a day off when truly ill and he's been cycling to work in the snow in Converse with holes in them because he thinks its profligate to use the car and to buy himself things! Says he wants to save all his cash for the baybee, but I pointed out that our child would prefer a father who hasn't had his feet amputated due to hypothermia, so he might buy some proper footwear this weekend.

FC outs my secret location, from where I plot the overthrow of western civilisation from my underground bunker...

Rocket, no, was another MW! Must be summat in the training round here Still, weird comments about capes pales into insignificance compared to being fucked around over appointments like you've been Hope you don't hear anything...

I have midwife tomorrow. And for once I am not the first appt so I can have a lie in. Which is good as I have a cold. Poor me.

Am planning a nice hot bath to ease crampy legs. The right one has hurt all day. Not helped by my wearing heels as wanted to look smart for big work thing.

I am very jealous of Drom's hotel. I want one last night in a big fancy hotel. With room service and a giant bath and fluffy bathrobes. Sigh.

Shit. My bad. Want me to request deletion?. I am a nobber....

I see you've done it anyway, you dear thing. Wasn't acksherly stressed as you only mentioned the county, but thank you v much anyway, I do appreciate it

No problem, I am a donkey sometimes! Sorry again....

Drom I am so jealous of hotel, I do hope you are having an amazing time. Birth centre and Juan sounds ace too.

Sorry to hear about the cold Muse. Being ill when you can't anything except paracetamol sucks. My cold is still lingering but I don't feel so bad now. I have midwife tomorrow too, wk 39 checkup (gulp, yep - thirty fucking nine!!). Plz to keep fingers crossed that BP hasn't risen again. Think low calm thoughts for me. I am aiming for 120/72, that would be ideal. Hippo birthing laydee taught me visualisation technique so I am going to try and remember to use it tonight when I got to bed.

Well I am feeling very pleased with myself - I haz pristine kitchen after today. It better bloody well stay like it or there will be trouble. I am now ready to lay. Bring it on baybee!

hello lovely ladies. Just popping in from reading the Christmas double edition Radio Times to note that One Born Every Minute has a live Christmas special. I can't remember when exactly but sounds fun. Though I watched than when I wasn't pregnant, might be a different matter now.

From: "Press"
Date: 9 December 2010 17:29:31 GMT
To: [email protected]
Subject: [nct_announce] Do you have a baby to be born at Christmas

One Born Every Minute, is back for a series of Christmas specials in One Born at Christmas.

The shows will be transmitting live at primeâ??time on Christmas Eve and across the day on Christmas Day itself - capturing the drama and showing the birthing stories of new life.

They will also be mapping out Britain's Christmas Day newborns to create their very own Christmas Day Baby Map. From Britain's heaviest Christmas baby, to first one born on Christmas morning â?? they want to know it all.

This will be an opportunity for the public to share the news of their baby's birth with the entire nation. During 4 live hours on Christmas Day itself, One Born at Christmas will be announcing Britain's births, showing photo and video messages live to the nation and adding all that baby data to their very own Christmas Baby Map.

So, they want to hear from mums, dads, aunties, uncles, friends, neighbours, colleaguesâ?¦ ANYONE who knows ANYONE who might be expecting a baby at any stage of the festive period.

You are invited to contact the production team to let them know about ANY potential Christmas Day newborns:

Email: oneborn@...
Phone: 0207 033 2250
Text: Text `ONEBORN to 81025 followed by your message
Twitter: @oneborneverymin OR #oneborn

Oh I love One Born every Minute! Not sure I would want to go on it myself but I did enjoy the last series (although am with Medee - I wasn't PG at the time so the labour pain didn't affect me!). I wonder if they will show a nice quick, sneezy type labour with zero pain and nice music playing in the background?

Pollster hope today goes well. Come on out baybee!

Scorps love the cape comment. I didn't know MW's now handed out fashion advice. Must ask mine when I see her next...

In my news, I think I may be turning the corner on the sickness front. I seem to mostly be sick in the evenings now, and only once. I can pretty much get through the day with just feeling tired. I have been having plenty of early nights which is helping no end. I'm 11 weeks today so am hopeful that by the New Year I will feel like a new woman. I have my first scan tomorrow (without MIL now) which I feel a bit on edge about. I've been having really odd PG related related dreams and I think it's all part of the build up to tomorrow. Once I have a photo and have seen that there is something there I'm hoping to feel a bit more connected to it and like it's a real person. Probably sounds silly to you guys, but I'm finding it hard to think of there being an actual person in there at the moment. So far, all I seem to have done is just survived each day, so it will be nice to shift focus.

MAS any news?

Sigh, still no baybee. I am going to start getting fed up soon. Plus the inlaws are coming on Sunday, and will be hoping to be handed their first grandchild, not be barked at by a fat & recalcitrant DIL... Aaarrrrgghhhh - come ON!

We watched the first few One Born Every Minutes on 4OD the other day, since we were away when it aired. Sobering stuff. Not least coz all the blokes on it were complete knob-wipes. Not sure if I fancy being it though.... At this rate I will be having the worlds biggest Christmas baby - it was measuring 2 weeks bigger when I was scanned at 30ish weeks - if I am 2 weeks late I will be giving birth to a friggin toddler....

Awww, I just saw all the little baby clothes hanging up on the dryer and feel a bit less fed up .

Poor Mas. Have you tried teh secks? An extreme move I admit.

I love One Born Every Minute too but really would have no desire to be on camera giving birth. I saw the pictures from after last time. I looked shocking. But some women manage to look ok, grrr.

Scorps your midwife sounds hilarious. You should reciprocate and rebuke her for her thick ankles and granny perm.

Glad you are starting to feel a bit better Orchid. Am still in nausea hell - not actually sick which is good but just feel rubbish all the time. Good luck with the scan - my early one on Monday.

Maybe just cordon off the kitchen til the time, Pol. You can live on takeaway until then, right? Any twinges from you?

Fingers crossed for your triple test, Rocket.

Birthing centre sounds lovely, Drom. I don't think we have one near us. I'm wondering whether am brave enough to attempt a home birth again (had to be transferred in last time after MiniG got stuck) - still have the birth pool though so nothing to lose and would be my ideal I think.