The PESH in a manger

[LadyGoneGaga]

No booze for our heads,
No clubbing, no Class A's,
No more pants of red

The midwives in the hossie,
Looked down where we lay,
A bunch of old, evil hags,
Fucked on Gas and A.

Ho, ho, ho you bunch of Hoes.

BESH BAYBEES
dontrythisathome, girl born March 25.
Cheggers, twinz girlz, born April.
FannyPriceless, boy, born June 8.
CurlyCasper, girl, born June 24.
CUNextTuesday, boy, born June 29.
AlpinePony, boy, born 1 July.
Carrots, boy, born July.
IggyPiggy, girl, born July.
Cosmosis, boy, born Sept 5.
Backinthebox, boy, born Sept 7.
Skatergrrrl, girl, born Sept 10.
VAG, boy, born Oct 2.
Silversky, boy, born Nov 1
SomethingSuitablyWitty, girl born Nov 2
okiecokie, girl, born Nov 12
Honeymoo, boy, born Nov 11
ReginaMonologue, boy, born Nov 13

UPDIFFED

maswera, can't possibly be having a baybee next week, due December 11
PollyPoo, wants to name her baybee after the dog, The New Messiah is due December 25
MrsFC, joining whether she wants to or not, due 22 Jan
ChoChoSan, "and Lo! The lord did resurrect her petrified womb", due 31 Jan
CluckyKate, hatching an egg, due February 2
Perfect Dromedary, defied medical science, due February 24
Muser, blooming at last, due February 27
Ginhag, reckless cake-carrier, due 28th Feb
Medee, finally over the Haribo craving, due March 12
Casserole, completely out of witty things to add, due April 8
Scorpette, now carrying a RL baby in addition to Clothilda and the squid, due 18th May.
Laurielou, the unmarried hussy with the "surprise" diff, due 31 May (ish)
Rocketleaf, no longer jealous of morning sickness, due 1 June.
Twinkle Toes, supergluing her fanjo shut, due 23 June.
LadyGoneGaga, Compulsive Stick pisser, due 28 July

Come on babies. Get out of there.

Yup, move it along babies. You are much more fun out than in!

Just realises that would put me at the top of the list. Fuckety fuck. Cho and clucks, feel free to queue jump....

Just spent the afternoon with casserole. She is proper nice and cooks like Jamie.

Sorry MrsFC, no queue jumping planned here...I am still waiting for nesting instinct to kick in but it is distinctly lacking in these parts, and the Boyf is in no rush either, which is a bit of a pain cos my back is fucked so I can't go mooching around shopping or owt myself.

Does anyone know what stuff I need to get with my birth pool , there's a list of extras on the website, and I am bemused. Polly?

Bendicks Bittermints are basically what these M+S ones are, and bloody lovely they are too. Unfortunately, local branch had none left, so I shall have to savour the two I have remaining.

Good news about the earlier finish, Muse. I am tres jealous. Confirmed my end date of end of Feb to the people who administer my payroll today (need a form from them to put my MA application in) and it feels a blooming long way away. Also, hurrah for buying the wall stickers!

That sounds tough, rocket

Come on Maswean!

Cho we have gone for one of these with all the kit included. Just realised they are fucking half price atm too! How annoying. I didn't have a water birth before so I'm just going by what midwife or websites have said but I'd say essentials are

1. Summat to blow up pool (I'd favour mains powered pump after our disaster with battery driven one - took ages and we ran out of batteries).
2. Hose and taps
3. Thermometer
4. A large sieve for scooping out the er... superfluous stuff
5. A pump for emptying out the water - last thing you will want to be doing after giving birth is using buckets.
6. A waterproof sheet to put on floor under/around pool. Midwife suggested a tesco basics shower curtain. I like cheap n cheerful! You could of course always picks one with a nice pattern, maybe some goldfish?

Have a look on here for advice I think this is where I got most of my info. It is not the best laid out website but I did glean lots of info from here. I took their advice and got a box and filled it with supplies so everything should be on hand once it all kicks off. It is all sat there in the bloody kitchen, just waiting for Shrimp to get a move on! Hope that helps.

Fighty depressed parents suck Rcoket, I've had the same at points in t'past. You have my sympathies.

Very impressed with your nesting plans Muse. My nesting has not got much further than wishing to get rid of dog hair and scraping black mould off windows and walls.

Cho we have gone for one of these with all the kit included. Just realised they are fucking half price atm too! How annoying. I didn't have a water birth before so I'm just going by what midwife or websites have said but I'd say essentials are

1. Summat to blow up pool (I'd favour mains powered pump after our disaster with battery driven one - took ages and we ran out of batteries).
2. Hose and taps
3. Thermometer
4. A large sieve for scooping out the er... superfluous stuff
5. A pump for emptying out the water - last thing you will want to be doing after giving birth is using buckets.
6. A waterproof sheet to put on floor under/around pool. Midwife suggested a tesco basics shower curtain. I like cheap n cheerful! You could of course always picks one with a nice pattern, maybe some goldfish?

Have a look on here for advice I think this is where I got most of my info. It is not the best laid out website but I did glean lots of info from here. I took their advice and got a box and filled it with supplies so everything should be on hand once it all kicks off. It is all sat there in the bloody kitchen, just waiting for Shrimp to get a move on! Hope that helps.

Fighty depressed parents suck Rcoket, I've had the same at points in t'past. You have my sympathies.

Very impressed with your nesting plans Muse. My nesting has not got much further than wishing to get rid of dog hair and scraping black mould off windows and walls.

Gah, stoopid comupter.

Cho maybe something to clean and sterilise pool with after use? Perhaps some dettol and then some milton sterilising stuff?

Cho I fort of something else too... I am planning to get out of pool to deliver the placenta so MW asked where I was planning to deliver it. Must say I hadn't thought about it at all and she reckoned our kitchen chairs would not be comfortable. I didn't want to transfer to the living room as hopefully Boo will be in there watching tv, so MW suggestion was to use one of our cheapo sun loungers these. You can chuck an inco pad on there with some old towels and apparently it will give the midwife a very good view of the placenta gliding out. Of course, you could choose to deliver in the pool, or on bed, or sofa - just get another shower curtain and some old sheets/towels etc.

Just a thought anyway. Hope I haven't put anyone off their dinner.

Thanks Polls, I'll have a look at all that. The woman doing the NCT course we very keen to get us all labouring sitting on buckets, so maybe one of those for the placenta :)

Are you using a community midwife or do you have an IM or doula? Although my midwife is v supportive of hb, we haven't had a proper conversation about it yet. I am seeing her again on Friday and I am 33 weeks now, so maybe they don't bother until one reaches 36 weeks? What is your experience?

Polly does that pool have a seat in it? I can't tell from the website.

We are using the community midwives. Well, hopefully anyway - assuming they can get here if weather is icy/snowy! Mine was not really happy going into too much detail before the 36 wk appt, which I found really frustrating as I wanted to plan and get organised. Still haven't done it, but that is not the point.

Oh yes, I have a couple of buckets ready too (sterilised with Milton) and midwife also wanted to make sure I had a torch handy.

No, no seat in that pool, but lots of handles all over the place. I can't wait to get in it!

It looks nice and spacious, and it is a bargain, so maybe I should just get one ordered now, given that they won't have stock in until I reach 36 weeks anyway. I can sell it on if I don't use it anyway. I have still not put birth relaxation cd on iPhone yet, e
Whence my nesting instinct...I hope this doesn't creep up on me unawares, as I am not mentally prepared!

I'll be jumping that queue if I can fanks MsFC.....the sooner I get this baybee out the more likely I am to get some skiing in this season

MW hasn't discussed anything about homebirth with me yet either Cho - think it was the same last time round. Looking back I was woefully unprepared for it so just as well LC had to be forced out with induction and shiz. So, I'll be needing buckets you say

Have got my snow & ice contingency plan now - there is a paramedic lady in the village where I keep the horse. She has delivered baybees on the M4 and all. So, local farmer will drop her round in the tractor if the MW can't get through. Off to local homebirth group meeting on Thurs to borrow me a pool and then I'm sorted.

Nesting has kinda started - we has cupboardful of chocolate (Lindt is client of DH) so am working on clearing it out.......nomnomnom [bloater]

Now that is what I call nesting Clucky!

Ok, the nesting has stepped up a gear now - TG woke me up to tell me the dog had pissed on the kitchen floor over night. As I am obviously the only one capable of cleaning it I had to get out of bed and get on with it. So while I had the bucket and the bleach out, I started washing down kitchen walls and skirting boards. WTF?!

erm, why couldn't TG clean up the dog piss?

Mas, Poll I've made this super hot "take the hair off your feet" curry. Now come ere for some nipple tweaks before you start eating.

Poll Hope you used TG's fave t-shirt to mop up the piss.

Clucky I do like your kind of nesting. I also think I might love your husband (having Lindt as a client).

My yoga class finished for Christmas last night - it was a fairly quiet class so she spent a lot of time showing me alternative "big belly" stretches & moves. Was lubberly. Then she gave everyone a mince pie. When I go back to class I'll have had my 20 week scan . Is time meant to speed up when diffed?* Or does it slow back down the second half? I swear I'll be waving my child off to uni by Friday at this rate

• I realise this will come back to haunt me when I'm hooge, achy & 10 days past due date.

Medee because he is a man/useless/'doesn't know how to'/has a chest infection and feels poorly/it is not his dog. Pick any of these. Why did marry such a useless fecker?! It didn't matter before we had children - we were both slovenly lazy arses. I am insane with Teh Rage. Still, it is helping me in my cleaning/nesting of the kitchen birthing room.

Fanks for the curry lozzer. Now remember, only tweak one nipple at a time for up to half an hour (that long?!) as there is evidence that both being tweaked at the same time is distressing for baybee. How 'they' figured this out I don't know!

Sorry Pollers, I have changed my mind about the queue-jumping, I wanna go next. Mememememememe. It's MY turn.

Evidence that double nipple tweaking is distressing for baybee? WTF? Are "they" honestly paid for this research?

Ho hum, who am I to argue - Poll, Mas we'll start with the right one only - mmmk?

Am bored. Bored & restless. Am off the rest of this week & I want to have finished work NOW. You can only imagine how annoying I am on Christmas Eve . And this year there's no chance of me collapsing into a drunken stupor. Poor Mr Loz.......

Oi, you've had yer chance Mas, it is my go now! I want this baybee out Now. My kitchen birthing room is clean, dog hair and dust free so I need to lay NOW!*

Seriously though, have you had enough now Mas? I have, and I've not even reached due date yet.

It's not so much that I've had enough - I actually feel pretty well, am out & about quite a bit, and am sleeping 9-10 hours a night (sorry! ). But y'know, it's time. I ain't gonna get any more ready than I am - and I really don't want to go down the induction-on-christmas-day road.....

Come on baybee!

PollyPooPocket I believe the word you are searching for is NO. Or possible several words "Fuck the fuck off".