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Welcome to the Mumsnet Birth Announcements forum, for announcing births and meeting others in our community. Visit our pregnancy resource hub for more information.

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Welcome to the Mumsnet Birth Announcements forum, for announcing births and meeting others in our community. Visit our pregnancy resource hub for more information.

Birth announcements

DH brother and soon to be wife won’t be happy!

148 replies

TTCjustmarriedmama · 31/08/2021 07:51

Hey guys, looking for advice. My BIL and his fiancée have always been competitive with my DH and I. We are both 25 and he is 28 and his partner 25. They’ve said things like they’ll never get over that we’ve been together longer and we purposely booked our wedding a year before them to beat them but they wanted a long engagement while we didn’t.
We have just found found out we are expecting our rainbow and are delighted. We aren’t sure when we’re going to tell our parents (1st grandchild on DH side) thinking after our early 6 week scan. At dinner the other night with DH, his parents and BIL and partner his BIL decided he was going to ask us when we were having children as his wedding is now 8 months away, we said it’s rude to ask (we already knew ) and went to move on but his fiancée said it would be really rude for anyone to be heavily pregnant at their wedding, Defos felt like a jibe and I will be 38weeks at the wedding, I’m also a bridesmaid but have no issue stepping down or buying new dress myself, but she meant any guest being heavily pregnant though, we never said anything just sat awkwardly, she then fell out with us as we have a wedding the day after theirs in March. I’m now para to tell them at any point as I know they’ll be so angry regardless. Any ideas on how to approach this without another fall out? They’ll think we done it intentionally when we only slept together once last month as I was really unwell, we didn’t think it would happen first try

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MiddleParking · 31/08/2021 07:52

I would ignore this as far as possible and ridicule it after that.

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PolypGrunterPulpit · 31/08/2021 07:57

I doubt there's any way you can tell her that she wouldn't go nuts over. She sounds like a total drama queen who thinks the world revolves around her. How will your parents react to the news? Can you tell them first and enlist their support?

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PolypGrunterPulpit · 31/08/2021 07:58

How much is her and how much is your BIL? Could he be reasonable or is he as bad as she is?

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PolypGrunterPulpit · 31/08/2021 07:59

*DH's parents, not yours

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Summersnake · 31/08/2021 08:02

Rude to be pregnant at a wedding…ye gods ,the woman is deranged .you can’t argue with batshit ,so don’t even bother ..keep them at arms length as much as possible

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FlorenceWintle · 31/08/2021 08:02

I wouldn’t tell anyone at all until you get to 12 weeks.

There’s nothing you can do about their reaction. Just proceed normally and ignore any hysterics.

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BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 31/08/2021 08:06

They're deranged. Whatever their reaction, pay it no attention because it'll be ridiculous. The fact that they can even make a drama out of when you and your DH got together shows how batshit they are.

I would probably wait until 12 weeks before sharing the news rather than 6 though. And congratulations!

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thenewduchessofhastings · 31/08/2021 08:06

It'd be rude to be heavily pregnant at a wedding?

That's the most batshit crazy thing I've ever heard;I went to a wedding at 38 weeks;funnily enough I didn't give birth on a church pew or in the middle of the best man's speech.

What an absolute pair of cunts they are.

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TheWayTheLightFalls · 31/08/2021 08:07

Wait until 12 weeks. Tell them factually. They can over/under-react as they wish, it's not on you.

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MrsBertBibby · 31/08/2021 08:08

You should definitely arrange to go into labour during their vows.

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seaandsandcastles · 31/08/2021 08:09

I would recommend waiting until 12 weeks too, though I understand the excitement.

Ignoring their reaction, being at a wedding at 38 weeks pregnant isn’t going to be any fun for you and to be quite honest I think I’d skip it altogether.

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Starcar · 31/08/2021 08:09

This all sounds incredibly strange. I think you’re used to this and have started to think it’s normal (and I wonder if maybe you have even enjoy elements of this “competition” if you get to feel like you’re “winning” - beware that if it does). I think it would be important to take a step a back and remind yourself of the normal way adults behave and what is and isn’t acceptable to think/say. Shut down any element of this when it comes up. I would have to counter the idea that rude to be pregnant at their wedding, people are living their lives on their schedules, their wedding is (hopefully) a lovely day for people to attend but it’s just that, one day and it’s just not that significant to other people, certainly not enough to put of ttc etc. I cannot imagine someone saying that at a family dinner and everyone not laughing or telling them to shut up. Never mind that they will never get over someone getting married before them.

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PermanentTemporary · 31/08/2021 08:10

Do they chat this much crap about everything?? God they sound hard work. I think all you can do is stick to whatever you would have done without them, as clearly they're a bit mad in their attitudes.

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Bumpsadaisie · 31/08/2021 08:12

Wait till 12 weeks then tell both parents first followed by them.

How they choose to react is not something you can control.

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happytoday73 · 31/08/2021 08:12

At 12 weeks or further along...
'unfortunately your announcement that it would be rude for anyone to be pregnant at your wedding was a little late... I was already pregnant, due xxxx. We are so happy. See you soon love xxx'

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PieceOfString · 31/08/2021 08:12

What did the parents say when they stated it was rude for a wedding guest to dare to be pregnant!?

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ComDummings · 31/08/2021 08:12

They sound nuts. Would it really be so bad if they fall out with you? They’re massive pricks.

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PieceOfString · 31/08/2021 08:14

Everything starcar said

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Suzi888 · 31/08/2021 08:14

How old are you all? I agree with a pp, life is not a competition. It all sounds very strange to be honest.
I would also wait until you are 12 weeks before announcing the ‘rainbow’ (never heard it called that before).

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ShingleBeach · 31/08/2021 08:15

his fiancée said it would be really rude for anyone to be heavily pregnant at their wedding

As batshit as it gets.

But if that is her position “then you will need to move your wedding date” is the only possible suggestion.

Telling people after the 12 week scan is pretty standard.

And don’t apologise / qualify it with talk of ‘we didn’t know it would happen that fast’. You have a right to try for a baby in any timescale you please.

Think you will have to resign as bridesmaid as soon as you tell them, though, as 38 weeks is ‘could be in labour if the baby comes early’ time, and the uncertainty wouldn’t really be fair on her.

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home2012 · 31/08/2021 08:16

You all sound as bad as each other

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LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 31/08/2021 08:16

They are going to be "offended" whatever you do. Accept this.

They sound like idiots tbh but you clearly want to stay in contact so I'd go for the kill with kindness route.

I would let pil know separately and be happy/enjoy sharing the news.

Your DH (not you) should send a group whats app to bil/sil and say something like

Hi guys, just to let you know we are expecting / you're going to be an aunt amd uncle/whatever!
We couldnt say anything at dinner last week as it was a bit early but we wanted to let you know as soon as we could. Obviously TTC is a bridesmaid and based on due date will be 38 weeks on your wedding day. We wanted to give as much notice as possible as we know the pregnancy timing isnt ideal! We also appreciate it may change some of the wedding plans so we wanted to let you know we are totally flexible - We are just so happy for you guys and the most important thing for us is you have the exact day you want!

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SmidgenofaPigeon · 31/08/2021 08:16

I think you need to calm down and chill out.

And telling people you’re pregnant with the equivalent of a poppy seed is madness, even after a scan.

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BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 31/08/2021 08:21

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

They are going to be "offended" whatever you do. Accept this.

They sound like idiots tbh but you clearly want to stay in contact so I'd go for the kill with kindness route.

I would let pil know separately and be happy/enjoy sharing the news.

Your DH (not you) should send a group whats app to bil/sil and say something like

Hi guys, just to let you know we are expecting / you're going to be an aunt amd uncle/whatever!
We couldnt say anything at dinner last week as it was a bit early but we wanted to let you know as soon as we could. Obviously TTC is a bridesmaid and based on due date will be 38 weeks on your wedding day. We wanted to give as much notice as possible as we know the pregnancy timing isnt ideal! We also appreciate it may change some of the wedding plans so we wanted to let you know we are totally flexible - We are just so happy for you guys and the most important thing for us is you have the exact day you want!

This message is pandering to them way, way too much.

Leave it until 12 weeks or thereabouts.
Announce in the way you normally would.
Tell SIL behind the scenes that you'll happily step down as bridesmaid if she prefers - her call.
Leave it at that.

Do not pander to people like this. It only makes them worse.

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Boombadoom · 31/08/2021 08:22

12 weeks, a text with the scan pic, ‘we are thrilled to announce we are pregnant, due in April, so excited and we know you will be too! Gender guesses welcome, lots of love!’

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