the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

Hi folks,

Thanks for your support last night - everythingnis much better today, the headmisstress has decided not to involve ss, so i'm feeling tons better. Would still like to know what got into DS though!

Sassy I felt it was important to us to have somewhere to go, so we had Ciaran buried in a private cemetary near us. We deliberately didn't chose the local council one as there have been problems with yobs vandalising childrens graves (what fucking midset have those people?) there and i knew i wouldn't feel comfortable with him there. Instead, he's at the very furthest corner of the graveyard, under a big oak tree, away from the road ect. It's lovely. Because it's a private cemetary i've been allowed to put whatever i like up there, so there are windchimes, and windmills as well as ornaments ect.

My brother is a monumental mason and guided us when choosing a headstone. You need to wait at least six months before having the stone put in as the earth needs to settle, and i'd strongly reccomend you getting one with a ground anchor - this means they are unlikely to fall over. Sassy, if you have any questions about choosing a stone then i know my brother would be happy to answer them

It's such a hard time... and so... final when you see that headstone in place.

Shelly - i'm so sorry my lovely. Please take care of you. Sending you much love x

Jack is buried in the churchyard of the village where i grew up. We have a family area. He is buried next to my Grandads brother and sister who died as children. My Great Grandparents who i didnt know are next then my grandfather and my grandma(who died on Easter Day this year) Then my uncle and my Dad. He has a cross that his dad made and has been revarnished twice. He has a brass plaque on it too. Jack Jenkins 22nd December 1994. Son of Frank and Charlotte Jenkins. Brother of Wilfred. Loved and Missed Every Day.
Its nine years ago tomorrow that the boys Dad died too. I always try and do something nice so i am taking a friend who helped me with my garden to see Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll in the Village Hall for their cinema night.

picture of the churchyard here Jack is buried round the back

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Shelley - so for you.

Dee - glad you sorted things with the school.

Sassy - you're not alone. The couple of times me and DH have ventured into the supermarket I also find myself looking at baby girl clothes and things, even nappies, then the realisation hitting me again there is no baby to buy for anymore. Its truly crushing. God, the realisation I'm going to have to open Belle's bedroom door and sort through all that stuff thats been hidden away at some point and store it away or whatever makes me feel sick.

We decided on a burial for Anabelle, infact we didn't even think about anything else. I personally hate the thought of a cremation, always have. My DH on the otherhand had always been more towards cremation before but he said he hated the thought of Belle being cremated and that because of our darling girl he had completely changed his opinion. We also decided very quickly to buy a plot big enough for all 3 of us - I know some people will probably think that is really morbid but we both find it comforting of sorts to know we'll both be led with our beautiful Belle one day as well as with eachother.

Anabelle is buried in a cemetery near Cwmbran - its the same cemetery my Grandad is buried in. She/We have a lovely plot - next to a garden area, lots of flowers and trees and a bench next to the grave. We decided on the Cwmbran cemetery because although we live in Newport now we consider Cwmbran our home, its where we both grew up and fully intend to move back there and stay there within the next couple of years! We're both definately home birds!! Its not very far away in the car now and soon enough we'll be even closer to her. As regards the headstone, we're a long way off that, I can't begin to imagine what we'll say on it, but I (maybe weirdly at the moment) hate that my baby girls grave is unmarked apart from a laminated piece of card with her name and plot number on. I can see though when its up and done the finality of it will upset me a lot though.

Sassy - I wish i were closer, i'd give you such a hug. A part of me wants to tell you that you're wrong, that you are Catherine's mummy, and you'll always be her mummy, even when you're a wizend old lady of 90, but i do so understand that because she died you feel your 'mummy entitlement' died too. Instead i'll tell that one day, one day you won't feel like that. It feels so inadequate to say that now, but you will get there, simply because you have to, there is no other choice.

We have simple words on Ciarans headstone 'With precious memories of Ciaran C, born and died 09-09-04, beloved son of Heather and Pat, twin brother of Brennan' There was a million things that i wanted to say on there, but that's what it came down to. A few months after the headstone had gone up, my brother - the monumental mason - came to see me and gave me something he made... a small piece of black granite, in which he's engraved 'Step softly...For a dream lay here' he asked if it was ok for him to put it at Ciarans grave - it was more then ok... it was perfect.

Sassy We did have Harry cremated because otherwise he would have to be a few miles away as our local village churchyard had run out of room . We could however have his ashes interred there and have a stone put there . Going to order and decide on the stone was another one of those surreal moments that seem to follow you around in the beginning . I just couldn't believe it was me having these conversations with people .
I always remember the stone mason asking me if I was sure I wanted a black slate stone as he thought "black was such a depressing colour for a childs grave"
What the buggery he thought a frigging cheerful childs grave looked like I have no idea . Of course I just nodded and smiled and told him I was sure on the stone

I used to go to the churchyard every day for months and then it slowed down to once a week or so and tbh I hardly go there now . For me I just realised that I didn't need to be sitting next to his grave to be thinking about him and although I do have moments of guilt about not keeping it as nice as I used to I am mostly pleased we did it the way we did .

Shelley I am so sorry and I hope you manage to have a peaceful night and lots of hugs with your dh x

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LF I so know what you mean about not being able to move and leave them behind. I have the oppertunity to go to Australia to live, and i know i can't go, simply because i can't leave Ciarans grave behind. It's not as if i go there very much... but it's the knowing i can if i want to, iyswim?

Sassy , the wanting to be in a place where you can look miserable and have a good cry was a big part of why I used to go too .
I also found it a good place to go when I wanted to tell him something . If I was going out for the night with friends I would go and tell him I loved him and hadn't fogotten about him and almost ask for permission to have a nice evening . It may sound a wee bit nuts ( but then I do have a long list of those) but it did help me .

Evening all.

I have been lurking but haven't had the energy to post. I'm sure you know what I mean, so I won't waffle on any further.

It's so sad to see we have new posters here. I'm so sorry to hear about Malachy and Grace. I hope you find some comfort here.

sassy - It's like living in twilight isn't it? You feel like a mummy, yet you don't have anyone to mother.

I sometimes walk around the other graves too, I feel some sort of connection to the people laid to rest there.

C is buried in a woodland and dh and I bought the plots next to him as it comforts us that we will be physically close to him again some day. If only we could all be physically close to him now .......

LF, i was diagnosed with endo at 19 and told i couldnt have children. So wrong as soon as treatment was finished i concieved my very healthy 3yo. It does cause me problems but i tend to try ignore it and get on with things. Haven't noticed it too much lately as when it's bound to flair up theres loads of other things on my mind.

Wine is going down very well got some bubbly for later.

sassy (chegirl as was here).

Billie is at home with me. She asked to be cremated. Yep my 14 year old girl even made that decision easier for me. I have a lovely pink and silver urn and she has an alcove.

I am not local to where I live. I worried that we might move and have to leave her behind. After we lost her I felt that I could pack up and go and live anywhere, it wouldnt make a difference. My feet are not square on the ground anymore, I dont belong. I feel safer having her with me.

But many parents I know get a lot of comfort from having somewhere to 'visit'.

I am lucky, some wonderful people I met through Compassionate Friends erected a victorian angel as a memorial to all of our lost children. It is at our local cemetary. I can go there on Billie's special days. It helps.

Love to you all x

Oh my dear God - am sat here sobbing into my cider apple juice. Just watched a programme on BBC2 about roadside tributes to children and young adults killed in RTA's. It was on BBC2.

One of those things I couldn't stop watching but was so hard to watch,

The one, massive thing, that hit me like a ton of bricks was the eyes and the faces of the family members. Eyes that had no emotion except grief. Bodies hunched over and slouched. Even the ones who were further along on the 'crappy path.' Just looked in the mirror and my eyes look the same.

So many people grieving the loss of their precious children......

Thank you cariad - not heard that expression for years. My friends who live in Newport always used to say that to me. Tom just said to me 'you shouldn't have watched that Mum, its too sad.'

I had a sob to that too Shabs. How could anyone begrudge those parents that small comfort?

I am sending you the east london version of the cwtch - the kutch x (its che btw)

Hiya che - could still eat that little man of yours - he is sooooo delicious - you ok honey?

I'm glad i didn't watch that shabs would have been in tears. From what you've described was myself and my family on Matty's birthday we left flowers where he was killed.It does bring comfort to leave a tribute there we know he isn't stuck but serves as a reminder to idiot driving too fast and coming into the centre of the road going round the corner. Huge hugs shabs

The whole Burial / Cremation discussion is a strange one - we had Gregor cremated for a number of reasons - I guess the main couple of reasons was that I couldn't imagine putting him in the ground and that I saw cremation as setting his spirit free and also how i would prefer to go. This is such a personal and individual decision and not one that any of us ever ever would have or should have had to make for our children. I also didn't feel the need for having a grave to go to grieve - That's just my personal take on death. However the local woods where we planted bulbs in his memory to me is a special place that Gregor laughed with us every time we were there and we have scattered some of his ashes there. We decided to split his ashes and each of us (me DH and DS1) would choose a special place each and we would also agree as a family on an additional place so the ashes were split and scattered in 4 places and I plan to get a locket to place some in to keep for me. I have found explaining cremation to his big brother really difficult but in some way it has helped me cope. I can totally understand keeping ashes and taking them wherever you go. DS1 has already told me he'd prefer to be cremated which was just one of the many weird conversations we've had on the way to tescos!!

Shab also sending you a cwtch - we love that word here in Newport!