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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

982 replies

crumpette · 15/06/2010 20:56

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

OP posts:
zeno · 05/07/2010 10:32

Totally sympathise with you Caz. I have been utterly floored by behaviour of certain very close rellies who shall remain nameless.

In the longer term, we have been able to move on from all the ridiculous things that have been said and done, and are rebuilding ourselves as a family, so there is hope in that respect. Many things have seemed inexcusable but over time their impact has faded. For me it came down to a recognition that I wasn't prepared to cut myself and my family unit away from the rest of them, so I had, in the end, to get beyond the hurt.

It's interesting to reflect on this. We have come through some horribly damaging times as a wider family, and actually it's astounding how well we're doing. I used to wonder why families left their "skeletons" in the closet, but I totally get it now. If we dragged over it all again it would reopen the pain and anger. I'm so thankful that time fades the intensity, particularly with the anger as it's a horrible emotion to carry around with you.

Sending you love and strength Caz.

CazEM · 05/07/2010 10:32

Yeh Sassy you're right (again!) - I guess I just felt that out of all the people around us at the moment we expect the most from our own parents, but as usual there is always the same one we can't expect a lot from in terms of sensitivity. I'm feeling much calmer about it all this morning. and thanks Shab - you also speak wise words, its just all so mixed up and hard at the moment, my head is all over the place, but this thread is showing me that it won't always feel quite like this - and yes all our parents are in their 50s!

Sorry to hear about your lack of sleep and panic attacks - although you're last comment about the menopause made me smile - its exactly what my Mum says about everything!

We're going to visit the cemetery today - its been a week now since the funeral and I really need to go and see Belle. The weeks just keep on passing by, its almost 3 weeks since we were told she had died and 2 weeks today since she was born sleeping. After that I think we'll take a drive over the mountain we've renamed Belle's Mountain - we'd driven over it so many times while I was pregnant, taking the scenic route back and fore the hospital for appointments etc that it now just reminds us of her. Its a beautiful mountain with a lovely lake half way across the mountain road that you can stop and walk around. We're going to keep going up there in the calm and quiet to remember and think about her.

shabbapinkfrog · 05/07/2010 10:34

I just knew they were Caz

Being 'in your 50's' is a very strange time....almost like being a teenager but with less fun

travellingwilbury · 05/07/2010 11:12

Hello all xx

I am sorry to not have the words at the moment but I am thinking of you all xx

LunaticFringe · 05/07/2010 12:16

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AbiAbi · 05/07/2010 13:34

Morning ladies, hope everyones well and had a nice weekend

Shabs my lilies have bloomed now, and smell fantastic.

LF - I just thanked you on Loopyloops thread for your congratulations - Try acupuncture, seriously. Sorted me right out, seriously.

LunaticFringe · 05/07/2010 13:51

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CazEM · 05/07/2010 14:10

What a small world Lunatic - I'm originally from Cwmbran (and aiming to move back there when we can afford too, but Newport had the better first time buyers scheme 3 years ago!) Living in Newport (near Duffryn) for now, my MIL and S-FIL live in Malpas.

LunaticFringe · 05/07/2010 14:31

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shabbapinkfrog · 05/07/2010 15:26

My FIL and his massive family all came from Bedwelty - my FIL lived up here, near Manchester, for 40 years. He followed the coal mining industry from Wales. He was always nicknamed Taffy and he still had a strong Welsh accent all those years later. We have got great friends in Newport - they are mad!!!!

SassySusan · 05/07/2010 17:22

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Deemented · 05/07/2010 17:56

Hello folks

Sounds like it's a tough time for all of us at the moment. I'm contemplating taking up drinking or somking. Or both.

I'm in Welshy Wales too Caz - Swansea though. I know what you mean about having a special place where you can just think and remember. I have one of those too, and i feel closer to Ciaran there then ido at his actual grave. Weird.

zeno · 05/07/2010 19:36

Sassy I didn't know about the chicken pox. It was one of the suspects for our dd as she'd been exposed to it the week before she died and is known to be a cause of acute myocarditis.

I find it difficult that they couldn't name a virus for dd's case. At the same time, I'm glad for my dear friends whose child had it that week, that they don't have to carry a burden of thinking it was their fault somehow.

It's hard to look back on the things said in the run-up. There were things that came up between dd and myself that seem prescient. Mind you, we did talk about death a fair bit as part of our everyday life !

Am feeling left out now not being in Wales... boo hoo.

SassySusan · 05/07/2010 20:11

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LunaticFringe · 05/07/2010 20:16

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Minione · 05/07/2010 20:54

Hi ladies, not sure how to put this, my baby boy , malachy aidan, was born asleep on the 12th June. We'd had several problems throughout the pregnancy as Iwas diagnosed with polyhdrymnious ( sp) and at 25 weeks the scan showed some soft markers for Downs and a problem with the heart. After much debate we had an amnio, the rapid results came back negative for downs, Edwards and patau syndrome. Dh and I were elated, the previous 3 weeks had been awful. Having not bought anything we went out and bought baby clothes as everything looked promising. Just 10 days later something felt not right. I went to our gp to check fir heartbeat, we heard something ( with hindsight this was probably mine). This was Monday the 7th, we had a scan with the cardiologist on the Wednesday. When we had the scan we were told there was no heart beat. I was 30 weeks pregnant. I gave birth on the Saturday, through a haze of morphine, the only way I could get through it. I still can't believe this happened to us and am finding it so hard.

ful
u

Minione · 05/07/2010 20:58

Not sure what the random letters were at the end of message, am typing from a phone so bit awkward. Like cazem I'm a teacher and about 5 others are pregnant and due in august, don't want to hear their announcement when I should be one of them .

Deemented · 05/07/2010 21:02

Welcome Minione, I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful boy. What a lovely name, Malachy Aidan. I hope that you find some comfort here with us on this thread, we've all been where you are, and are still here, just.

Please be gentle with yourself x

SassySusan · 05/07/2010 21:28

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CazEM · 05/07/2010 21:30

Minione - I have nothing really helpful to say, I'm not functioning at the moment, I don't want to say I'm sorry because if you're feeling anything like me you'll be sick of hearing it, it doesn't make anything better - but I'm in exactly the same place as you, and I truly understand how much you're hurting - and I guess that 'finding it so hard' doesn't even cover it. Its so heartbreaking to meet yet another person like this here, but I've been on this thread almost a week and the ladies here are wonderful, supportive and understanding.

Our beautiful girl Anabelle was born sleeping on the 21st June, we were told the previous Wednesday 16th in an emergancy scan that her heart had stopped beating and it took 5 days to induce labour. I was 32 weeks. I also gave birth through a haze of morphine and spent a lot the time passed out. My full post about it all is on page 12.

I hope you find some help in coming here - I've always found MN, throughout pregnancy and since a sort of haven. A place where I can be truly honest about how I'm feeling, and I already know there is no judgement here on this thread. Sending you much love x x

We went to the cemetery this afternoon, there was a lady visiting a grave a couple further up from Belle. She asked us if it was a young persons grave - when I replyed it was our daughter, she asked how old. I said she was born asleep - she didn't get it, I had to then explain stillborn. I hate the word stillborn. I struggled to get it out of my mouth. Then she just said oh, oh, and walked away. Theres an elephant we were talking about the other day, my stillborn daughter made her uncomfortable. - don't bloody intrude on my time there if the answers you're given make you uncomfortable.

Lunatic - my DH is teeting around taking up smoking again. I think one drunk evening would do it around now. I hope he manages to stay off the fags though, he did so well giving up. My wine intake isn't looking so hot at the moment, I've drunk 1 or 2 glass almost every evening in the last week since the funeral....

CP has crossed my mind in the last week and made me wonder too, although I don't know if it would be any sort of risk or factor in my case. Next doors little girl had in the inbetween week between my first admission to hospital and us losing Belle. But I work with kids and there have been many CP outbreaks throughout my pregnancy in school with no effects to me - MW were always telling me I wasn't at risk because I'd had it as a child. But would being around it in the run up to my 'prem labour' and Belle going to sleep have had any effect. I don't suppose we'll ever know, and I'm clutching at things. I do wonder what these blood/placenta results at the end of July will say about anything....

Minione · 05/07/2010 21:30

Thank you. It's a horrible thing to have in common with other people but knowing you're not the only ones to go through something as difficult is comforting, if that makes sense? I just feel like nobody understands what has happened. Friends and family have been great but Often they don't want to ask too much

Minione · 05/07/2010 21:52

caz You're right 'finding it hard' is a massive understatement, i don't know how i'm coping as I don't know how you are supposed to cope with this. Like you malachy was my first born, all I keep thinking is he shouldn't even be born for another 6 weeks and that I let him down somehow.

'

LunaticFringe · 05/07/2010 21:56

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SassySusan · 05/07/2010 21:59

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CazEM · 05/07/2010 22:07

Minione - It is horrible having this in common with people but I understand what you say about comforting also - this thread really shows there are people who really do understand.

I keep fighting that demon too - I cannot shift the feeling that I was supposed to keep Belle safe, until she'd finished her grwoing and I failed her. I know that this is completely irrational thoughts and there is nothing I did wrong or could've done to stop this happening - but knowing it doesn't stop the way I'm feeling. Its eating away at me. I guess this is the same for you, and I'm sure anything we're feeling at the moment is completely normal, at least I hope it is - otherwise I'm sure I'm starting to go a little bit nuts and will have completely lost it before long. Maybe coping isn't the right word either - we're surviving through it.

I hope you have lots of support around you at home - I thank God for my DH and my Mum and Dad, I don't know what I would be like without them at the moment, hence why I'm dreading DH having to return to work next Monday. I'm a bit scared its going to put me into a darker place than I feel I'm in now.