The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

Tom brought a poem home with him tonight. He has to learn the last verse for Drama. I remember this poem from '4 Weddings and a funeral.'

I remember crying then and I have been doing tonight since I read it again.

FUNERAL BLUES

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves
Let the traffic policeman wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W H Auden.

hugs shabsx

Shabs that's lovely - how is Tom about learning it? Most kids his age won't have the direct experience of grief he will so am guessing it may have so much more meaning to him than some of his peers? Or maybe i underestimate his peers?!

SadSusan - I have to say that I do remember feeling how you describe re counselling. I've got many amazing friends and had a hugely supportive health visitor at the time following gregor's death who never tired of listening to me talking and talking and talking!! I remember someone in the first few months saying 'oh yes counselling will really help' then someone else saying 'oh counselling is no use until after six months' (Why? WTF is that all about!) and another opinion was 'counselling is really only any use when your grief gets stuck' so i dumped the idea for a while and got on with getting through the days as best as i could. So many people with so many conflicting views/experiences! Just like here really but i guess that's why what's right for one may not be right for another. Grief is so individual.

Anyway, i was about 5-6 months in before i started to wonder more about counselling and whether it was likely to help and more importantly what it would give me that some of my friends couldn't. Only problem was i didn't really know what i wanted help with iykwim? But just before i went back to work (Nov) I was referred to a counsellor through work and I am still seeing her now. I believe she's helped me cope with getting back to work, has helped me work at my relationship with my mum (I struggled to talk with mum about Gregor as every time i talked about him she just dissolved into tears on me and i felt that i was dumping on her so i ended up shutting her out for quite some time) She's also helped me realise that Gregor's death has made a load of other stuff in my past resurface and i think the grief felt when you are younger can resurface and combine with current grief - What you said about your ex must have been such a tough time - you'd think you've had your fair share of grief now x

What I'd say is don't rule it out and if you think it's worth pursuing then fair enough - could even be 1, 10 or 10 years down the line. Anger is an emotion i have not felt about gregor's death although most of the close people around me have - I did talk about that with my counsellor and she said to me that anger is a 'masking' emotion when you are not able to let yourself feel what you are actually feeling and not everyone does feel anger - although if you read half the library on grief as i've done then you expect that you're going to 'do' anger at some point!! Don't know if any of that makes any sense at all and I think i'm totally rambling and waffling now!!

"1, 10 or 20 years"

Luckily for Tom he hasn't got our 'direct' experience of bereavement. Both his older brothers died long before he was born. He always takes his 'cue' from me though! I said to him that the poem was amazing and sums up how you feel when someone you love dies. He was fascinated and asked me which bits were most important to me. I think that he is a lucky lad to not have lived through what Dan lived through - but also I think that sometimes he feels left out if Dan and myself talk about the lads. I always try to include him in the story by saying things like 'when you laugh like that it just reminds me of Matt when he found something really funny.'

He often talks about how he will be heartbroken when my Mum and Dad die - they are both in their middle 70's and he is becoming more and more aware of how special they are to him and how much he loves them. I keep explaining that they have had a good life, they have had 2 children, 5 grandsons, 1 great grandson and 1 great granddaughter. They have been an inspiration to all of us and they will be happy to be re-united with all their lost loved ones but will miss those of us they have to leave behind. Told him they are going nowhere yet

Hey Shabs am sorry if that comment appeared insensitive - really didn't mean it to be. I didn't mean direct in the sense that he was there more that he would have some sense of loss even though he wasn't there

LOL please dont worry PPM - I knew exactly what you meant.....

Thank you xx
LOL re Lew - typical boy heh!

Morning girls xx

Morning all xx

hello all

Susan I'm so sorry about what happened with your boyfriend, how awful but of course after Catherine it probably pales into insignificance. Not insignificance, but you know what I mean. It's all terribly* sad and traumatising for you and just.not.fair.

I had therapy once, for a period of 7 months. It was talking therapy with a psychiatrist (not related to DD, years before) and I would always say 'I'm fine' when asked how I was feeling. The solution was, shabs, to write a 'feelings dairy'. Just a diary in which I could ramble honestly and pour out how I truly felt without having to articulate it to another person. Then I would read parts of this feelings diary to the Dr so the session would be 'hello crumpette how have you been?' 'fine thanks, {grin} absolutely fine- how are you? how are your daughters? oh I like your shoes' or whatever.. and then the truth would come out when I read the diary. It was therapeutic to write even if it wasn't read out, and I didn't realise how I felt as I always put on the smile and said I'm fine.
You might find, sometimes if you're having wobbly days, that writing down how you feel is easier than saying it and has the dual effect of getting it out of you.

Lewis sounds hilarious shabs !

So another visitation from my awful mother, who got pissed at lunch and said 'oh I always knew L would die, always, she was so petite, she was a funny colour, I knew all along' (bllocks by the way she was so bright and healthy) and said she hadn't told her colleagues about DS existing, except for one of them, as she's embarrassed to have a grandson. She never told any* of them about DD existing either, what a bitch. I'm not 12, what's to be embarrassed about? She is awful! Most grandmas would be like shabs, right, showing off photos of their gorgeous grandchildren. I thought after DD died she'd realise what a twunt she had been , but no, no change...

(end vent)

bright sunshine here today with no hangers-on (DP in pub so out of my hair) off to park! x

apologies for my ramblings!

Shabs that's one of my favourite poems, sadly. Really sums up how I feel about losing L

Morning girls xx

Morning xx

How we all doing ?

OK thanks - just sooooooooooooooo tired!

Good morning, Tearful today. I know I said not to take any notice of stupid things people say but I can't believe what someone said to me in supermarket last night. I said 'we have got to learn to live with it' he said ' you DO know that you never will don't you'. He hardly knows us, just an aquaintance!!!!!

Oh Lavandes - people say the most un-helpful crap dont they? You will learn to live with it my friend. As time passes by the edges somehow soften. You will still have awful moments when you think 'Oh my good God how can that have happened,' but I can honestly say that you do learn to live with it. It is a different life and one that I would never have chosen BUT you will do it - and we are all here to help and support each other through our journeys. xxx

Very quiet tonight on here!!! Hope you are all ok xxx

Morning girls xx

Morning xx

Lavandes , people really do say the stupidiest things , I have learnt (on my nicer days) that nobody would want to upset us and there is no malice in the words but it can still hurt .

I hope you are waking up to a better day today .

Good Morning everyone!

just a quickie as I am at work

I am going to brownie division weekend tonight

50 girls spending the weekend with 150 visiting during the day saturday..now who's the maddest on this thread wish me luck

We are releasing 100 balloons.... fm will not get emotional and think catch Fraser...
fm will not get emotional and think catch Fraser... repeat as necessary

Night girls xxx

Morning girls xx

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