The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

That is so true. We talk about everything in this country - sex, drugs, murder etc etc but not many people can openly talk about the death of a loved one and even less people have any idea how to talk to a bereaved person. I just wanted someone to hug me and hold me tight - nobody did because I think - they think - its contagious in some way x

SadSusan I'm so sorry to hear about what happpened to your daughter Catherine.

My dd died suddenly just after her fourth birthday. She presented as having a tummy bug but got really ill incredibly fast - as you said, within an hour. It astounds me that it's possible for life to leave a healthy child so quickly.

Like PPM's little boy, our dd had an overwhelming virus, though they were not able to find out what the virus was.

At the time she was our only child, but our second dd was born nine weeks later.

We are coming up to two years since dd's death. Like us, you will find ways to live in this altered landscape.

On a practical level, follow this link - to a pdf with tips on how to help bereaved parents. A friend of ours handed round to lots of our friends and family and it was a massive help to them in how to support us. Truly invaluable.

Thinking of you, zeno

zeno I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. It must have been incredibly awful to be heavily pg when this happened. When we got home from the hospital I coped by drinking 2 bottles of wine and throwing up. Sometimes not coping is a way of coping.

Thanks ppm for the text. My practical problem at the moment is that people text me and say, tell me when you want to go for coffee - but the thing is, I can't cope with thinking about that. I just want them to turn up at the door, or say, come now. I know I ought to relay that msg to them, but I don't feel I have the emotional energy to explain. And I think I feel a bit ashamed about being pathetic, even though I am desperate to be gentle with myself, because I am determined to survive.

When I look at these lists and the one zeno sent the link for, part of me thinks, I agree with some of these points, and less than others (we are all different) but most of it seems basic common sense. I just can't believe how insensitive folk can be...

For example:
My mum has vocalised her opinion that my daughter's death happened because my father left her for another woman many years ago.

DH went to tell the leisure centre (Cahterine had gym and swimming lessons) and the receptionist said "If you want a discount you will have to inform us in writing" WTF

A girlfriend I've known for nearly 20 years, who has stayed in my home playing with my DD on numerous occassions, told me she was unable to make the funeral as she had "another appointment"

I mean I can understand well meaning people getting it wrong - but how the hell does anyone say stuff like that?

PPM .. that is a fantastic poem... I am sitting here with tears dripping down my face

Susan I am glad you have found us here, as we all say it's the place we don't want to be but are all so glad we have found.

I'm so sorry to hear about Catherine. It beggars belief how useless some people can be, the most support I have had is here actually since my daughter died on Apr 12 last year.

People just don't know what to say, I don't think they mean things in the way they come out but I had serious problems with colleagues saying awful things when I went back to work, friends dropping off the face of the earth, my mother, DP, everyone.

PPM your post is excellent, incredibly sound advice and really is exactly right. Nobody gets it unless they've experienced it themselves.

I'm not in a very helpful frame of mind so probably not making a great deal of sense but please stick around Susan we are all here for you x

ppm, so true ,every word said.
hope everyone ok,thinking of you all

pedro - we are here if you ever want to chat. I'm guessing yesterday was a memorable date for you and Alexandria. You're not alone, we can remember her too if you would like us to.

Also welcome Pirate and SadSusan

So sorry to hear about your darling daughters. Such a waste.

I lost my firstborn son when he was 15mo. Although he had been ill before he died, his illnesss and ultimately his death weren't expected.

The first few months and sometimes years are like walking through treacle. Just thinking and making a decision takes so much energy.

Like most of us on here, I've had stupid things said to me. I think people either panic and say something stupid, or they try and find a reason for such a senseless thing to happen, so then concoct some silly theory which is just hurtful and belittling of the situation.

The first Christmas without C was a complete shocker, and we'd only lost him a few weeks previously. TBH I think we were still in a state of shock then and just acted out Christmas like a couple of robots, and completely over compensated by buying my niece and nephew loads of presents.

It does get easier though. Things are never the same again, but I think you learn to adjust and reason with the situation a bit more.

The longing never goes away, but the sheer pain and intensity of the early days doesn't stay forever either.

You will get through this, and we'll be here to help if you want us to be

Thanks for all the support and kind words everyone.

Feel like I am coping quite well today. We went on a long drive, and visited the cemetry later today. Now I feel guilty for not being a wreck - all par for the course, I suppose....

Thanks for all the support and kind words everyone.

Feel like I am coping quite well today. We went on a long drive, and visited the cemetry later today. Now I feel guilty for not being a wreck - all par for the course, I suppose....

Good morning girls xx

Susan Ilike speaketh sense. I am a year on now and the longing is as strong as ever and some days the pain is unbearable too, but it's not like it was to start with- the unbearable pain of losing her. It's not constant now, iyswim. I also spent all of last year feeling guilty- when she was ill all I wanted to do was leave the country for a week or two to have a break, and then when she died and I could go away I felt too guilty to go anywhere because it would be like I was betraying her. But there is no right way to grieve and nothing that you should be doing. The constant pain will ease with time, to make days bearable, and there will be a time when you can laugh again with good memories of her, but it will be a bumpy ride and we're all here with you x

Morning shabs! I have a confession I drank lots of red wine last night, I don't normally drink - at all - ehem, and now I'm still feeling a bit tipsy and have just consumed half an M&S huge apple pie and cream for breakfast [piggy]

Still no luck on the bench in the park idea, all my emails have been ignored it would just be so much nicer to have something in a place which holds positive memories for me with her, and also would be a happy place for DS in the future perhaps, or for other people.

Having a massive therapeutic clear-out of clothes this weekend, I always feel so much better when I take stuff to charity shops (but a bit guilty for having bought all this tosh in the first place!)

DP being a prat and a half, I really wish I hadn't allowed him to be on DS's birth certificate now, I don't really want him having any parental rights if we did split up he's a 'problem' and wouldn't be a good person to be involved, but I guess there's not a lot I can do now. Eugh sorry having a vent!! Also think I have a thyroid issue post-DS as have all the symptoms and I should be going to the GP but I'm really nervous that if I go to the GP they'll ask how I'm feeling about L and I will have to lie and say I'm fine I don't want to go there and open that door so have been avoiding GP completely! How mad is that!?

Anyway hope everyone's OK this weekend, it's disappointly cloudy here!

crumpetter who have you been emailing re your bench??

I think with something like this you might be better with the personal approach.. email your local mp or better still make an appt at your local councillors surgery and ask face to face

susan glad you are ok...dont feel guilty just go with it .. there will be days when you dont want to get out of bed so enjoy days like this

Good morning girls xx

It looks like Shelley is stuck in Greece because of the volcanic ash thing!! Just noticed she has posted on FB that they are hoping Gatwick re-opens at 7am! Poor love - she sounds like she is missing her DS - am keeping everything crossed for her safe and speedy arrival back in the UK. Mind you, I could think of much worst places to be stranded than Greece

Planes are coming in and out of Manchester - I have got my back door open listening out for them LOL!!! Just googled Gatwick and they say closed till at least 1.30pm!! I guess that the travel companies will have to feed everybody that is stranded but that is little comfort.

Morning all xx

I am pooped , I have got Jamie poorly and off school . Always freaks me out when one of them isn't well .

Also on saturday when I was at work my dh had to ring an ambulance for his friend who had stayed the night before . We think he may have had a heart attack but he is still having loads of tests which are coming back negative .

I could do with warp speed for the next few days please .

warp speed initiated .........
to make Jamie better, get shelley home
and to get me to wed when I dont have to work

better get back the coal face

that sounds like a good plan FM.

Just heard back from Shelley - the plan for them now is to take off just after 2pm - so keeping everything crossed for her. The plane has to come from Gatwick - Im petrified of flying - really have a phobia about it. Im hoping, against hope, that this volcano has packed in before the middle of August!

Ok, I know everyone is different, and I hope no one minds me asking, but how much time did everyone take off work when their child died?

I have a sympathetic GP and a sympathetic employer. The GP has signed me off another 3 weeks - I have already had 5 weeks off. I can afford to take time off too (thankfully)!

I am in 2 minds about work - on the one hand, I really couldn't give a stuff, and just can't be bothered. On the other hand, at least it would be something to do. Just wondering what other people did.

Susan when Gareth died I wasn't in work. When Matt was killed I was told I had to go in work a week after his funeral or my job was at risk. So I went back. I worked in a cafe and the first sandwich order I had to do was for the company where the man who had killed my son was working. I just stared down at the list and there were the names of the men in the lorry!!! I must admit to spitting on the drivers sandwich

Sorry I went off on a tangent then!!

I think you will know when you are ready to go back to work xx

Susan, I had 7 months off then went back on a phased return on the advice of a counsellor provided by my work compared with my DH who had 3 weeks off and would have been back sooner if he hadn't had a few nasty bugs. It can work both ways for different people so I totally see where you're coming from. I just couldn't have coped with work in the early months and am struggling to see the point of it even now but having been off for so long it was probably harder for me to go back than my DH. I suffered real anxiety about going back to work and it took me 2 months or so for that to ease let alone be any use to do work - My GP would have signed me off for longer but I got to the point that if i didn't go back at that point i may never have gone back.

I have finally made it here! I am going to work tomorrow, I think I need to go to keep sane, it will give me something to focus on as I will be busy. I am dreading it but I know it is what I need. I will work on Tues and Wed and on Thursday we are going to France for a week, I think it will do us good to get away from here for a while. I will go back to work properly when I get back. I thought if I did the 2 days before it would break the ice. Wish me luck! I did not cry at all on Sat and when I realised I felt guilty but I know that is silly. Look after yourselves xx

lunatic... your not a fraud I didnt know Fraser either .. and it hurts that I have so little left to remind me of him

I find as the years go on I find I dont say I miss Fraser - cos he was never here. I tend to be more - "we should have been doing this for Fraser now" I dont know that is a particularly helpful or healthy thought pattern but there it is

I too was on mat leave and therefore entitled to another 5 months off.. I went back after about 3.5

I work in a call centre and they said oh dont take calls just read some mails etc.. 4 hours in all I could think was "I should be on mat leave"

I put my headset on and took calls in the afternoon.. they wree all shocked but tbh it was nice to leave that day and realise I hadnt thought about Fraser for a few hours if that makes sense