The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

I'm so sorry about your little baby girl Sofa. Our four year old daughter died in August 2008 suddenly, so we're a year and half on from the bewilderment and devastation you're in the midst of right now.

It does get better, though I know that saying that won't be able to help you feel it yet. I can scarcely remember the first three months after H died but I know the my intensity feelings then were far more hideous and unmanageable than what I live with now.

I don't think there are any things you "should" be feeling. Finding consolation in the face of your loss is a huge ask of yourself; you really don't have to. You don't have to be rational either - I tried it out for a while but it didn't take, especially in the middle of the night.

A friend of mine lost her firstborn 7 month old baby last year and also had that feeling of having lost her purpose in life. It must be hard not to be able to express that freely with your husband.

It's hideous that life can scoop you up and set you down in an alien landscape so instantly. We're living in worlds we don't want to be in. I feel like I got sent back to Go, do not pass Go, do not collect £200. One minute we had a four year old daughter and were expecting her baby sister, then we were sent back to the beginning again, giving birth to a baby girl with no siblings.

Thinking of you xx

Thank you everyone for sending me such lovely welcoming messages, it is so nice to hear from someone! It is desperately sad to read all your stories but it is good (?) to know that others go through similar and there is some light on the other side. And nice to know there are some people out there to listen.

I really empathise with Zeno's feeling of being sent back to start again. We have been through quite a journey of IVF to get here. Sophie was our first (DD1?), and we were so pleased with ourselves when she was born as we saw her as the culmination of all our efforts. I think the board game analogy is apt. My husband described it as meeting a huge snake on a snakes and ladders board- we have been sent all the way back down to the bottom. Only its worse now, because you know what you are missing.

I also empathise with the trying to be rational thing. It it one thing to know something intellectually and quite another to accept it. My husband has been really amazing and I know he also feels totally bereft, but I appreciate how differently we process things- whether that is a gender thing or just a different approach I'm not sure. However I think we will get there by balancing each other out somehow. I'll do the emotional outpurings and he can do the thinking it through and maybe we'll meet somewhere in the middle.

Is it me or are the mornings worst? Is like you have to process it all again every morning. And the sense of something missing is just too awful...

Morning love.

Yes, I think in the early stages of grief and loss the mornings are so difficult. Also that time really, really late at night/early mornings is almost too much to bear. You wake up and for a split second everything is ok and then it crashes down around your ears.

I can honestly say that those awful feelings soften around the edges as time passes. Now I just think about Gareth and Matt every minute of every day and not every second of every minute of every day

Sophie is such a lovely name. I have had four sons so we haven't had much 'pink' about in our house.

Stay around my love and keep posting - doesn't matter how ridiculous you think your thoughts and emotions are you will find that all of us have felt that way at sometime or another. xxx

Hi ladies, just checking in to say hi, and I hope you are all okay.

The spring weather is helping us a lot here, makes me feel a bit more positive for the future.

Hope you are all well,

Abi
x

Sofa, I am so sorry to read about Sophie. Please keep posting here. I found this thread about 3 weeks after my daughter died a year ago, I'm not an online person either, but I felt so alone and so scared and confused and such a turmoil and was so perilously close to doing something ridiculous, I must have googled loss of child or something and I somehow found this thread. It's fine to post anything and everything here because, sadly, we all understand.

My baby girl died at 14 months- was fine til 11 months then had acute liver failure caused by a virus, had a liver transplant which failed, had another, had a biopsy before her 2nd transplant which caused massive bleeding leaving her with severe brain damage.. was in hospital on intensive care for ages, then was on the ward about to be discharged home- we moved house to a disability-friendly flat next to the hospital- but then very quickly deteriorated and was back on PICU and her life support was removed.

And suddenly, your life stops. They take your baby away. You go 'home'. After days and weeks of caring for your child in hospital, constantly flitting around with no time for yourself, you suddenly have too much time for yourself as they have gone.

I don't think you need to try and be rational at the moment. Every morning I woke up and even got out of bed thinking I was about to go to the ward to start her day of physio or whatever. And then- I felt it all over again. The crashing disbelief that if I were to go she would not be there. I was completely irrational in fact, I questioned every belief system or lack of belief I had ever had about life/death/purpose, I did crazy things, was delirious on benzodiazepines and gin, nearly left DP, applied for courses all over the place and got places but didn't take them up, thought about suicide but also gradually thought about why I shouldn't entertain that idea. It is such a crappy time. Every day is a torment to live without your DD. I felt my raison d'etre had been snatched away and without her I was nothing. The guilt was overwhelming.

I'm probably not being helpful but I wanted to reassure you that you are not alone. And we have been there in your painful painful shoes and we are still here, and still get up in the mornings and you will survive this, I promise you.

The people on this thread have rallied around and helped me through my darkest moments so I am glad you have found us.

Were you working before you had Sophie? Are you on maternity leave? I was still on maternity leave when DD got ill, and I had a deadline by which I had to return and behave normally. I went back 5 weeks after she died, and it was so tough- if you are on maternity leave and want to go back, try and have a bit of time off first, if you can, I didn't have time to go away but if you can go on a break somewhere I would recommend it, to process what has happened.

Sophie is a beautiful name by the way, means wisdom. I wish I could send you a RL hug but instead just please keep posting xx

Abi- hello, glad you are hanging in there and thank you for popping in to say hi. Weather was lovely and sunny here yesterday but now v cold- England though so should be expected! xx

Frasersmummy- how are you doing? x

thank you all for your kind words and your shining lights yesterday

I was suprisingly strong yesterday.. I think being at work kept me from dwelling too much as I bubbled last night

Today is not a good day... Its soo odd.. 6 years ago yesterday he died and then 6 years ago tomorrow I gave birth to him ...that still sounds really really strange even to me

The day in between I had to be at home with a bump knowing my little boy was dead .. I was sooo frightened of what I had to face

M
I dont know what to do with myself today.. and the tears are never very far away

So I am doing the only thing I can think of.. washing, ironing, mopping floors, basically anything to block out the memories because today when I sit still I am right back in 2004

frasersmummy I cannot comprehend having to do that and having to go through something like that, knowing already that your little boy had died. I know how you mean you go right back there- the other day I was right back to the day, the same strength of emotions and everything. God I wish I knew what to say- hugs to you, today and tomorrow- we're all here x

{{{FM}}}

I think keeping the mind and body busy does help block out the grief. But it still has to come out at some point. Be kind to yourself today and do whatever it takes to get through it.

Hi SofaLoaf, so sorry to hear about your darling Sophie. She sounds like she was brave and a fighter to stay with you for as long as she did.

My firstborn son died when he was 15mo and like you I was unsure of my place in the world and society. Every part of me felt like a mummy but I didn't have a child to care for. But I was adamant I was still a mummy, and I truly believe you are too.

You and your dh sound like you have a solid realtionship - it must be to go through IVF. Talk, talk and talk some more. Even if you don't understand or agree with what he says or how he grieves, just listen and nod. You will get through this, and it makes it so much easier when you have your rock by your side.

frazersmummy,thinging of you today,please be kind to yourself,big hugsxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello
I'm taking a bit of a brave step posting as been wanting to for ages and plucking up the courage. I think I was prompted that it is ok to post by the things people say thread.

We lost our DD (very premature baby 4 years ago) and the thing that has hurt me almost as much as the loss is how people have reacted.
I have gone on to have another baby, and there is not one old friend who has come to visit. Even the ones who I steeled myself to see when they had their babies.
But then again, no one came after the loss either so not sure what I was expecting really.

I guess I just wanted to post to see if anyone else had had problems with friends not being there. My feeling is that they are scared -for the ones who are parents, who can only imagine how it might feel to lose a child, I represent their worse nightmare and so it is easier/self-preservation even to stay away. It's just really sad that it has turned it into a double loss.
I am building up life again, around the new baby, but it seems to scare off new friends too if I mention my past history, so I don't.I guess I was feeling in a bit of a vacuum with it all and just wanted to see how others have coped. Can you rebuild life in a way that does not wall it off? Or do you end up having to compartmentalise - wall it off and then find somewhere safe to release (eg here?)

Hope noone minds me barging in.

Hi Stuck I'm really sorry to hear about your dd.. but glad you have found us

Do you want to tell us what happened with your dd?? you dont have to if you dont want to

I cant think straight tonight as my ds was stillborn 6 years ago tomorrow ..

but just wanted to say hi and will post soemthing more helpful soon

Sofa, I am so sorry to hear about your little Sophie.

My dd1 died when she was 10 days old - she had bacterial meningitis - she would have been 12 years old this year.

I can totally relate to how you are feeling right now - that feeling of being a mummy without having a baby - after my dd1 (Sydney) died, my breasts became engorged and I still had stitches in my cesarean section, but I had no baby - being a mummy, but not having your baby with you is the cruelest fate that can befall anyone.

What shabbapinkfrog had said about waking up and for a split second everything is perfect and then reality hits you like a ton of bricks, is so true - that, for me, was one of the hardest things to deal with, but Sofa, you might think now that you will never not feel like you are feeling now, but I promise you, one day it will hurt less - one day you will be able to think about your little Sophie without feeling physical pain - I never wanted to feel better, because I thought it would be a betrayal to my daughter and I was scared that I would forget things about her if I didn't think about her all the time - but time is kind and cruel at the same time - it heals, but it also makes you forget, even when you don't want to forget.

We are all on this terrible road, through no choice of our own - you do not have to walk this road alone Sofa - we are here for you, for as long as it takes.

Come here for a cuddle LF. It's just not right and so very unfair that your darling daughter isn't here with you.

If you want to hide under the duvet, do it. There aren't any rules saying you have to celebrate your birthday. It was my birthday about a month after C died and tbh I couldn't have given a fuck that it was my birthday, I just wanted my boy back. Anything else was insignificant.

Hi Stuck, welcome to our thread , but so sorry to hear about your dd. Please feel free to come here and chat and tell us about your daughter anytime. There's always an open ear.

I have to say that in my experience the subject of friends and support is probably one of the most complex I have dealt with as a bereaved parent.

Some friends were great, others not so.

One close friend (or so I thought) was a complete let down and totally showed her true colours, and others were fantastic. Although I probably don't help myself by being quite solitary when it comes to personal issues. I tend to use my dh and dsis when I need emotional support.

When I meet new people I often don't mention ds1 straight away. However if I meet them again and feel that a friendship could develop I then tell them about ds1 at a later date.

With ds2 I often get the killer line 'is he your first?' The majority of the time, if it's just a fleeting question with someone I'll never meet again, then I'll say yes. Mostly because I can't deal with the emotional fall out of the question. However I know that there are ladies on this thread who are able to answer the question truthly. I hope to get to that point some day, but I can't at the moment - self preservation I think.

However I know I can say ANYTHING on this thread and I won't be judged and at least one person on here has felt that way before. So for me, this thread is a great outlet where I can totally be me. No lies, no avoiding questions, no avoiding eye contact with someone new just incase they ask me a question I just don't know how to answer.

Does any of this help? I hope so.

Evening girls - hiya Stuck...glad you found us. So sorry to hear about your sad loss.

We were overwhelmed by visiting friends after the boys died. Nowadays (it has been many years) I cant think of one of them I am still in touch regularly with. We havent fell out or anything its just that, somehow, this World has kept on turning.....and all of our circumstances have changed.

Must admit, here on our special thread is a fantastic place to vent, scream, laugh, get drunk, sob, swear etc etc etc.

xxxxx

Still thinking of you and Fraser FM xxx

Where are you TW? I'm hoping it's just PC problems.

Morning girls xx

Morning all , we went away for a few days to see my dad . He lives near Lancaster so we had a lovely time wandering in the lakes and staying up late and talking shite . Fab weather as well .

I am so sorry to see that more mums have had to join us here but glad that you have found us xx

happy birthday Fraser...

you are always in my heart

Big hugs for you Frasersmummy, much love xx

Hello to Sofa and Stuck - as other have said "welcome" but am so sorry for your losses. I'm not really an online sort of person either but have found much support and understanding here. one person or another will understand and have an awareness of whatever you're experiencing or feeling. I'm only a year down this road. My DS2 Gregor died aged 2 of an overwhelming virus... only found that out after the PM, spent 5 months thinking and believing it was cot death xx

On another note i'm pleased to tell you that our daffodils in the woods have finally started to come out yay!!