The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

Thanks you for the warm welcome and the lovely replies. I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to Fraser and hope that you have a day that is as peaceful as possible, Frasersmummy.
LF, hope you are having a duvet day if that is what you feel like doing and that your day passes as smoothly as can be expected. I never celebrate my bday as it is too close to DD's bday and think a duvet day would be my ideal way of spending it!

The lovely replies have really helped me. I just need somewhere to leave my anger at those around me and the fact that I did not get the support I needed from them. It has been really hard building up a support network since having DS but I have done it, in a way, though hard not to be able to mention DD.
I find it really really sad that it seems that there was life preDD, and a completely different life with completely different people in it postDS and I guess what I am looking for is reassurance that this is normal, and not a reflection that there is something wrong with ME (I feel a saddo that my friendships were not strong enough to last) but actually just a reflection awkward people find it dealing with death especially the death of a child or some other external factor. And it seems that as some of you did experience this too it can be a "normal" thing.
And it seems that you have got beyond this by accepting it, rather than letting the anger beat you up.
I want to, and I want to be able to enjoy DS without feeling preoccupied at how let down I feel.
I don't know if that makes any sense at all but hoping that typing will enable me to enjoy the rest of the few weeks I have left at home before going back to work.

Sending my love to you Frasersmummy.

Happy Birthday Fraser - when my little Granbaby comes to my house this afternoon we will light our candle and I know he will sing 'Achy urfday u u, Achy urfday u u.' I hope my boys are having a birthday party for you and that all 'our' children are invited xxxxx

Lunatic Im sorry that I read through the thread too quickly and missed your post. Oh sweetheart we will all help you - you will make it through this - we wont let you stumble off this 'crappy path' that we all walk together. United we stand, divided we fall. xxxxx

Oh FraserMummy, I hope you manage to cope today. Take care. My thoughts are with you.

Hello Stuck. Well done for posting. I wasn't sure about it either, but this lot don't seem so bad so far :-)
I don't feel fully qualified to judge yet really on the friends question as everything is so raw for me. However, for what its worth, so far I think I have been very lucky. My closest friends have plucked up the courage to call, or taken me out for coffee or whatever. I am aware though that some of my friends are more comfortable with emotion than others. There are some maintaining a stony radio silence so far although its early days. I guess everyone is different and I wonder if different friends will find different ways of being helpful over time.

I have also forced myself out of the house deliberately to meet up with people and to talk and cry about Sophie. Partly this is a tactic to give myself a bit of structure and some company now I am home alone. I also know that I'm the kind of person who finds talking helpful(and writing- can you tell?) and I am hoping this will help people to realise that I need to talk about her, and whilst I will not be myself for ages, I do need them to listen. If they find it too much I guess they will back off and I will know that they aren't the best people to talk to right now.

I can understand why people are scared- it is such an awful thing and I imagine that seeing a friend half-crazed with grief is tough. I guess people are also worried they will make it worse. What they probably don't realise is that there is no way you can feel any worse that you do already. So anything they say or do is better than just not doing anything.

I'm not sure if I am doing any of this right, by the way. I just figure that unless I say what I need from my friends they probably won't know what to do and they will be tempted to do nothing. Boot on the other foot, in all honestly I probably would have done the same. I think that I would behave very differently with grieving friends in future.

I will let you know how it goes over the coming weeks on that score. Hope you are all coping ok. xxx

Sofa you just keep posting my friend....I have been known to crawl onto this thread at stupid o'clock, very drunk and declaring my undying love for everybody on here the day after I always blame it on my non-existant evil twin

Everyone... sending you all big solidarity and strength. So many of your posts strike a chord with me, yet I'm finding it hard to frame words to respond.

sofa I think that's a really good approach to take with your friends. I have found that some have drifted away and for me it's been OK to let them go - kind of safer for me than to try and continue to be around people who can't or won't find a way to be normal around me. The best comfort often comes from others who have experienced a shattering bereavement, even if you didn't know them at all well before this happened.

I also recommend this sheet on how to help bereaved parents. Hand it round, email it, stick it up in your kitchen, or get someone else to do it for you. We were really lucky that someone here had seen it and distributed it to lots of friends and neighbours - it helped them so much with how to be around us.

PPM huge shout of recognition from me to you! We waited 7 months before being told COD for H. Like you, we though "cot death" but termed it "sudden and unexplained death in childhood". We had lots of support from the organisation SUDC (based in the US) during that time. What a massive emoional upheaval it was to finally be told, completely out of the blue. It was handled badly by the coroner's office (a whole 'nother story!) which made it all the harder.

Happy Birthday Fraser

{{{fm}}}

Hello TW , lovely to see you back. It sounds like you had a lovely time.

Glad to hear you're feeling a wee bit better today LF.

I can see you have a great way with writing Sofa I find it helps me a lot, I'm glad it does you too. Writing here is especially helpful as there is always so much understanding.

Frasersmummy, I am thinking of you and your darling Fraser today. Fraser- happy birthday xxx

Oh god I just went and got balloons to release up to Fraser

The girls in the balloon shop were soo lovely... it actually made me cry!!

they told Ross his big brother would catch his balloons ..and gave him a special one for him in a different colour

my head is pounding fit to burst.. I dont seem to be coping this year

sorry...shall try and pick myself up

stuckperson I too have found 'friends' to have dropped away. Very suddenly and quickly, actually. My life long best friend from school- well, I emailed her the events and explained L had died and I never ever heard back. That was a year ago. Another very good friend who I used to see a lot and who would have been L's godmother had I got her christened in time, well, I haven't seen her once either. I have offered to meet up a few times and she has said no and then cut contact. In fact all the friends I thought were good friends are not. In all likelihood it's just too weird for them to comprehend, I guess. It isn't thought of as happening much anymore. I was very upset about it at the time, though- I mean it's awful to lose a child and even worse to then lose your friends because of it.
But there have been a few who have stuck. I haven't seen them- through my own choice, by working a lot and then being awol, but they are there and text a lot, which I like as I know if I needed to I could ring or see them. But yes, some people cannot handle death, and those are the friends who won't be good for you in the long run. But new friends will appear, very gradually.

On that subject I have a confession- my next door neighbour who I went to baby group with, I have made myself vanish for the past 2 weeks as I couldn't deal with how she reacted to me saying L had died. Is that bad? Is that very rude of me? I just can't do it at the moment, pretend it hasn't happened, I can't pretend I'm a first time mum, I can't talk happily about teething or weaning or crawling or talking without using L as my reference point, and of course that's a pretty odd conversation with new mums. Also I haven't had DS weighed for about 8 weeks.. is that bad? I know he is growing and is now in size 3 nappies and has outgrown his 0-3 month vests so I can tell he is doing well. He's quite porky actually. Will I get in trouble for not having him weighed? I cannot stand the baby clinic, tbh, I took L there every 2 weeks to be weighed and I hate being there.

FM - lovely blue skied day for balloons xx

ey Crumpette - not bad, not rude at all, you just keep doing what you need to do to get through the days xx I cannot even imagine myself past the point of getting pregnant (although we were already TTC before gregor died) so cannot imagine all the turmoil you're going through. I totally struggle being in our GP's waiting room and that's just me and not having to confront any babies/new mummies/etc. Don't be too hard on yourself xx

Zeno - Blimey, your post just blew me away. Our situations are so unusual so when you meet someone else who has encountered the same it's a bit weird heh! I have also received support from SUDC guys in the US as Gregor was 2 so well out of the 'normal' (that's not meant to sound as wrong as it does!) age for SIDS. Am going from memory (so forgive me if i'm wrong) here and am thinking your wee one was 4 ish? I'm in scotland and deaths such as gregor's are investigated by the procurator fiscal and the circumstances surrounding how i was informed of the cause of death were insensitive to say the least so am guessing we'd have a lot to talk about over a glass of wine or three!!?

FM your post has made me cry!

Zeno/PPM- coroners office was involved with L too, even though she'd been in hospital for months it was deemed unexpected as some idiot from the hospital put her death, in the very end, down to rhinovirus (ie a cold) and coroner though that was most peculiar. It was really horrible having them ring on the first working day after she died and seemingly having no consideration to how upset I would be. Then the inquest was 5 months later and the death cert changed. I can't imagine doing that for a job.

Thanks PPM I just feel I should be being more polite to my neighbour, but really I'm just in a very isolated frame of mind and it would be only for her benefit, and right now I can't paint on the smile and do it. When DS is a bit older and can play with hers then yes, but I may have already burned my bridges by then. I hope not. And I hope some silly HV won't turn up on my doorstep saying 'why havent you had your child weighed' etc I just want to ignore the whole world for a while!

Right off out- yes, out to brave the post office, oh the excitement of my life...!

frasersmummy, I hope this afternoon has gone by peacefully for you. x

FM a candle has been lit here in Sussex today xxx

I am sure the balloons flew high and free xx

Hello to all and sorry I haven't caught up properly I will be back on form once the pesky schools are back xx

What a lovely post LF

here's a tentative present for you xxx

Well, if you liked that present, you might like this one more.

Oh don't. I have been to too many Hen Nights with strippers! I lived in a town rather than a city at the time, so each Hen Do had the same spotty arsed stripper

Sorry to lower the tone ladies

Morning girls xx

Morning xx

Hello
I just wanted to say thanks again - maybe the answer for me is to move on/put on hold those who did not measure up - and just step into my new life as it is now, and learn to find peace about our loss, with the memories even if they are compartmentalised to being shared with the very few that do understand/are not scared if I mention it.

I also wanted to say to crumpette not to feel bad about your next door neighbour. After losing a child, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, it's just self-preservation. With being weighed do you have any scales in the house? Could you weigh yourself and baby together, then subtract your own weight to give you a rough idea?