Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

[shabbapinkfrog]

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

I'm starting to get the idea of silent tears. Usually have a cry after ds has gone to bed, looks towards his bedroom window and say 'loving you matt'

If only we could be like our children....they see black OR white. They dont live in our GREY area. I would neither encourage or discourage role play - I would let our survivors simply 'be.' It must be very odd for them, as it is for us....but they - with our love and help will get through all this sadness so much more simply than we are doing. We need to paint on our smile, be honest and try the best we can to bring some kind of normality to our lovely survivors. I hope this post makes some sense xx

It does make sense. I dont do anything when he does it. Definitely honest with him just difficult trying to word it to a 3yo without tarnishing his memories of db on a bike or making him scared of them or cars.
It does seam very black and white for him, he talks about db but hes quite well balenced about it if that makes sense

Shelley - your post makes total sense!!! When you think about it your little lad is still a baby - he sounds like he is coping very well. Its us adults who are crap at this

Morning girls xx

morning girlsxx big hug to you allxxx

Morning!! I have the day off work today as i have to go to the funeral of a lovely lady who was one of my first friends when i came to live here. She was only 71.She had cancer a few years ago and they told her they had contained the cancer and she didnt need any treatment. Sadly the cancer came back! Her family are all here from America. She was so lovely when we went to Eurodisney and gave Wilf £20 to take with him. I will miss her very much.

Awww Lottie - she sounds a lovely lady. Hope today goes ok. xxx

Good morning all

I hope today goes as well as it can Lottie and I am sorry x

Hello everyone, I wonder if I can get your takes on something. I spent this weekend with two very old friends from school, neither of which I've seen for a couple of years. One was pretty good after my brother's death, the other phoned once, sent a card and never mentioned it again. The weekend was the first time I've seen her since.

Anyway, all weekend she went on and on about what an awful year it had been for her for various health reasons, then how her aunt was in poor health, and then told us all about someone they know who is in the advanced stages of cancer and how terrible it is. We got all this information about this poor woman who we don't know and will never meet who is obviously dying. Not once did she acknowledge that I may have some experience of this terrible situation, having helped nurse my brother until his death.

She also talked a lot about a friend whose marriage is breaking up, and how worried she has been for her, how she's been phoning this friend's mum and making visits to this friend to check she's ok. She's not visited once since my brother died, despite being in England several times since (she lives in Europe).

I don't know what to do. I felt very hurt and at her insensitivity. This is someone I've known and been there for since we were 16. Should I say something, or just let it go?

Difficult one MissM. Sometimes people get caught up in their own lives and become blinkered to other people. Sometimes people cant cope with our grief and waffle on about other stuff. Sometimes people are very selfish. I think it hurts a lot if you have been friends with them for a while and value their friendship.

Im not sure what you should do...will have a ponder for a while and see if I can come up with a good suggestion xx

Thanks shabba, I appreciate that. Spoke to my SIL just now and she's pondering it too. Whatever I do I want to mull it over for a couple of days first!

MissM that is so hard to take from someone .
If you bring up your brother in conversation does she talk about him then ? Or does she ignore it ? I had a few people that would never bring up Harry around me , and still don't but some of them would be happy to talk about him if I brought the subject up . Others just couldn't do it and it really upset me but I eventually learnt to realise that no matter what I said to them and however many times I told them that I wanted to hear them remember him , some people just can't deal with it .

Once I got it into my head that I couldn't change them or what they were doing / saying (or not in most cases) then life did get a bit easier . All I could do was tell them how it made me feel and leave it to them to change or not . Would you be able to tell her that you like to talk about your db ? And all that surrounds ?

I do know how hard it is and you shouldn't have to do it but it might just help .

Sorry I am waffling I hope you understand my burblings .

TW that is very helpful. I did mention him in front of her, but she just looked sad, asked how my mum/dad/his wife were, but didn't make any mention of how hard this year might have been for my other brother or myself. I almost feel as though she thinks 'oh well, he died in 2008 so that must have been a hard time but it's 2010 now so they're ok'. Actually this year (since the anniversary of his death in October 2009) has been harder than the months immediately after he died, as I'm sure you guys can appreciate.

My problem is that if I start to talk about my brother with anyone the pain washes over me and I can't speak. The tears are all too close to the surface. I long to just be able to sob with someone who understands, but it's very hard to let that happen.

It is really hard , I found the second year probably the hardest of them all . The numbness is wearing off and others expect you to be ok or "back to normal" whatever that is . Are you able to talk to your other brother ? I found it harder sometimes talking to family as we would both end up in such a mess but I always felt better afterwards and generally slept really well too after a good sob . Sleeping well was something I struggled with for a long time .

It is hard to talk to my family - we do tend to end up as a soggy mess, or each struggling not to be. I want to find a day that my brother and i can spend together, just the two of us and have a sob if necessary.

It's interesting what people have been saying about dreams on this thread. I'm not sleeping well, and I don't dream about my brother very much, but when I do it's as him as a little boy, but mixed up with my own son. So in one dream for example I was walking with my brother to school - we were both young and holding hands - but somehow he was both my little brother and my son at the same time. I don't know if this is fear of losing my son too - when he is sleeping I sometimes look at him and think of my brother, and put myself in my mum's place, if that makes sense. So I'm looking at my son as if my mum is looking at her son.

It is agony, and people's behaviour makes it worse.

That sounds like a good idea getting together with your brother for the day . You are bothe probably trying really hard to support your parents so just getting together on your own and talking is sure to help you both .

I had some weird dreams after Harry died . But I didn't dream about him that often which used to really upset me . I always wanted to see him in my dreams and whenever I did it was lovely but unfortunately not often enough for me .

Some peoples behaviour can make it worse and it is so hurtful . I used to try and pesuade myself that at least they were serving some sort of purpose in giving me someone to be angry at . In my head anyway . The amount of times I would have loved to have told certain people to F off and given them a good slap ...... I never did though .

My eldest son says that when Lewis is sleeping he looks at him and tries to imagine what it was like for me to loose his brothers. He says he has to have a word with himself when he gets like that.

Hi everyone, MissM I don't really have any advice for you. I have had that since DD died, people just going on and on about how they've been ill or their great half aunt had a heart op or some other total bllocks and I want to shout at them do you think I fing care you crashing insensitive idiot!! but of course I say nothing... ehem

Hope you don't mind but I am going to re-post the list of dates with DD's real name on.. I changed it only slightly because I didn't want to be identifiable, if that makes sense, but it feels a bit wrong leaving it changed. It's almost the same and pronounced the same but with an 'a' on the end. Sorry i know that sounds nuts x

JANUARY

20th Jan,1992 Billies birthday (Chegirl)

FEBRUARY

28th Feb,2008 Lucia's birthday (Crumpette)

MARCH

11th March 2008, Eris's Birthday & Remember Day (FeedMeNow)
26th March 2008, Noah's Birthday (TheLighthouseKeeper)

APRIL

3rd April,2007 Benjamins remember day (Charleymouse)
12th April,2009 Lucia's remember day (Crumpette)
13th April, 2005 Frasers remember day (FMummy)
15th April, 2005 Frasers birthday (FMummy)
27th April, 2006 Billie's remember day (chegirl)

MAY

10th May,1992 Matts remember day (Shabbs)
24th May,1993 Christinas birthday (B.Butterfly)

JUNE

04th June 2008, Noah's Remember Day (TheLighthouseKeeper)
25th June,1993 Christinas remember day (B.Butterly)
28th June 1987 Matt's birthday (shelleylou)
30th June, 2009 Niamhs birthday and remember day (Woolly Jo)
30th June, 1984 Matts birthday (Shabbs)

JULY

13th July - Callums remember day (LittleMissPMeno)
21st July, 1982 Gareths remember day (Shabbs)
23rd July,2009 Nimahs funeral (Woolly Jo)
29th July, 2008 Caitlins birthday (Olissa)
30th July. Coles birthday (Liketomoveit)

AUGUST

3rd August, 2008 Caitlins remember day (Olissa)
5th August,2009 Felix's birthday and remember day (Tinkerbelle)
8th August - Callums funeral (LittleMissPMeno)

SEPTEMBER

9th September Ciarans birthday and remember day (Deemented)
18th September,2006 Jaydens birthday (Hazygirl)

OCTOBER

1st October - Ciarans funeral (Deemented)
7th October,2000 Harrys birthday (TWilbury)
19th October 2009 Matt's Remember day (shelleylou)

NOVEMBER

6th November 2008 - Oliver's Remember Day (Everlong)
7th November - Coles remember day (ILiketomoveit)
20th November 1987 - Oliver's Birthday (Everlong)

DECEMBER

1st December,2006 Jaydens remember day (Hazygirl)
2nd December,2001 Harrys remember day (TWilbury)
18th December,2006 Jaydens funeral (Hazygirl)
22nd December,1994 Jacks birthday and remember day (Lottie)
28th December,1981 Gareths (and Dannys) birthday

Hi all. I thought i was doing really well at the funeral, i had two close friends one either side of me and had only let a few tears slip. Then Val's nephew got up to give a talk about her and mentioned her love of children, mentioned the two that lived next door to her and then said that her special favourites were Wilfred and Edwin(guy with downs syndrome who lives opposite me) Well that was me sobbing uncontrollably at the back of the church! Poor Ali just kept a tight hold of my hand. I was very proud that they mentioned Wilf as i knew she loved him very much!

Dont think this has been posted recently??
I think this and the song below are the songs of the thread!!
Josh Groban
www.youtube.com/user/lottiebelottie#p/f/52/-uIQp9Dqcrw

Beth Nielson Chapman
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2GDG1sNHJE

I really agree with you Lottie - I adore the Josh Groban song - it makes me sob but I love it xx

Morning girls xx