Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

[shabbapinkfrog]

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

Interesting you saying that Shabs. I read somewhere today Jeff Brazier took Jades' sons to see a psychiatrist when she died.

Hmmmm I guess for me the question in my head is at what age would this sort of input be helpful? And how will I know when he stops being able to talk to me about his grief and needs somebody else to talk to? I kinda worry that providing him with someone else to talk to could almost prevent him talking to me - now i think i'm being totally paranoid and weird when i read that bit back!! Oh bloody hell as usual i'm probably overthinking this.

Have felt enormous waves of grief this weekend. I often wonder how many other bereaved parents browse here like i did before i found the courage to post Hmmmm

Morning all xx
PPM , I am sure the fact that he was going to councelling wouldn't stop him talking to you . It just gives him another outlet .

I really feel for you , my two are in a different situation as they weren't born but I know that def with the oldest he went through a tricky phase when he got upset a lot and needed to ask a lot of questions . But as I say it was different , with Jamie it was more about him feeling left out of things because he had never known Harry .

I hope you are having a better day today xx

ppm my dd wouldnt allow her girls to have councilling, only eldest whos seven realy remembers when jayden died,thank god.
ive just finished night shift, and was making an old lady comfortable , she flew off the handle and cried , i asked what was wrong and she pointed to a photo ,that is my son,he died at 27 years of age of cancer ,and im meant to be over it,she cried, i roared ,my collegue stood there and didnt know what to say or do, we cried buckets full of tears ,i hugged her ,kissed her check, and bless her she gave me her hanky.
i left her room and have asked to drop sunday shifts, i cantdo it anymore ,but feel better for it.
i thought of lady i bet sixty years ago there was no help,no councillors and no tablets, i have so much respect for thim,
im gonna try and get some sleep,but last nite is stuck in my head.
sorry girls i needed to talk.

Hazey sounds to me like you 'needed to be there' at that particular time and place....poor, poor lady.

When Danny saw the psychiatrist she was amazing. He was 10 at the time and in a very dark place. He had the worry of starting his new High School and was actually having many times during the day when he says he saw Matt as solid and as alive as he used to be - all around school.

The lady he saw explained that they are 'emotional hallucinations' nobody knows if they are real but if they comforted him then they were just fine. She would talk to him for up to 2 hours - when we got home he would cry himself to sleep. It was very hard to see him like that but he says now it was the best thing we ever did for him.

He actually talked more to me when he had been to see her - he would tell me little bits about what she had said and we would discuss them at great length. For all of us it worked.

Dan has always had an irrational phobia about clowns. When he first bought his own house and moved out I could see him sliding down that slippery slope again. He then saw a male psychiatrist who explained the phobia. He said that Dan put on his brave face every day even though he knew it was not helping him. When he saw a clown he realised thats what he was doing - painting on his face and thats where the fear came from. He still doesn't like them but its not anywhere near the panic attack stage he used to be at.

The bloke also made him visualise Gareth and Matt sat in a chair opposite him. He said that Dan had to say goodbye to them and let them get on with what they had to do. Dan said he screamed at the top of his voice 'I cant do that and you cant make me - you wouldn't be able to make my mum do that!!' Eventually he did and he said the overwhelming feeling of relief was incredible. He cried and screamed for an hour before he did it.

Sorry to ramble on and on but for my family a psychiatrist worked - now if I could just get my head and heart 'fixed' we would be ok.

shabs,im glad it helped, and just look at wonderful young man now,and that amazing son of yours.
my dd has three weeks left,has pics on fb of her amazing belly ,anyone can look ,same surname as me but begining with d, please look youll be amazed,as usually in teen clothes as she is dinky in height and weight,doesnt take after her monna.
ppm i think you are going a wonderful job with your son.
big hugs to all ,and thanks for support this week,i dont know why but its been a long hard one,dh says its cos im doing too many hours,but i do find i get stuck in ,at home i cant get things outta my head.

sorry i forgot but fb initials of my dd are dmd

Evening everyone and thanks for the chat re counselling / psychiatrists - good info and am sure at some point our time will come to seek this assistance but am thinking maybe not quite yet.

Made it to work again today but got a day off planned tomorrow as it's the anniversary of gregor's funeral. Heading out for a walk in the morning then meeting friends in the afternoon to help sort out plans for Gregor's memorial charity walk on saturday...

Did I tell you when i was out for a walk at the weekend that some of our daffodils in the woods are through the ground - off to look for more tomorrow

how are you all doing today?

Gone too Soon by Mary Yarnell

This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayal, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime...

This hasnt been posted in a while. A very beautiful poem.
It was read out on Radio 2 last year when Shabs and I were involved in a radio article to do with losing a child.

tentatively raises hand to ppm's question of lurkers

although i'm not a bereaved parent but a bereaved sister who shares the care of her children with her ex-dh.

i have been reading this thread for a while now and feel for all of you ladies as i see the same pain in my little mum's eyes even though her baby was thirty four when she left us.

anyway...for ppm...our children (hers and mine) all have special people at school (they are all aged twelve and under) who they can take time out to speak to as they feel necessary.

it has been a godsend in bringing up issues which the children hadn't previously raised with the family and has opened up new avenues for us in order to encourage the children to open up about how they feel.

we have entered the camhs system with one of her children as he seems to have issues relating back much further than when she died which have no doubt been compounded by her death.

we (me and their father) have only had a few sessions with the psychologist so far but i am learning lots from them already even before they have seen the child.

you may be surprised at what your child speaking to an outsider unearths. it sounds as if you already have a fantastic relationship with your child but if you are at all concerned then outside help might be a good thing for you to explore.

Good morning all x

Welcome rosehill , I am so sorry to hear about your sister . You are welcome here anytime . It doesn't matter how old your children are it is always the wrong way round when they go before we do .

I have only used physchologists for me , luckily my children who came after Harry died seem to cope well just talking to us for now but I would never rule it out .

How is everyone doing this morning ?

PPM I hope you see some more daffodills out this morning x

Morning all xx

Morning everyone. Am not tooo bad today TW thinking I've just about waded through the gunk that is March and can just about see April if I squint and look hard enough Sorry crumpette and others, I know april won't help you but we'll be here for you no matter what

Hiya Rosehill and welcome, so sorry for the loss of your sister. As TW says everyone so welcome here. The pain of bereavement is so overwhelming and intense at times. How old were your/your sisters children when she died? Must be quite difficult for you at times I imagine. Watching your mum's grief whilst trying to deal with your own and kids too. I've learnt in only a year so much about how children of all ages deal with death and grief but this journey is a life-long one.

Our daffodils have been seriously delayed cos of the 2 foot of snow that arrived at the end of feb and only left us a couple of weeks ago!! Heading out in a while to have a wee look for more! At gregor's funeral last year there were daffodils everywhere... they were so fitting for him. Miss you Gregor, heaven is one very lucky place with you on board xxx

What a beautiful line PPM, you've made me cry. There are some lovely daff's in our back garden. I think they'll always remind me of your darling Gregor.

Welcome Rosehill

Very grateful to anyone willing to sign my Downing St petition calling on the Govt to accept the recommendations of the Neonatal Taskforce. www.signitgordon.org/

Ann Widdecombe not only signed it, she put a question to Gordon Brown on my behalf at PMQs. He said his Govt is doing 'Everything we can'. But the facts jut don't bear that out.

After all the work I've put in writing to politicians and journalists, posting on forums, it is really doing my head in that more people have signed a petition calling for banning the sale of kittens from shops than one calling for babies to have the same standard of treatment in intensive care as adults and children can expect.

Read the story that shocked Private Eye magazine so much they warned GB he better look out for me when he's out on the stumps
www.signitgordon.org/pages/stories_emma.html

My baby boy died when he was 8 days old.

That article was harrowing to read....... Irreplaceable I am sorry for your loss too. I have signed the petition.

Many thanks, Lottie.

That lady contacted me after I started my petition, and in all honesty I keep going for her and her baby son's memory. I have to do everything I can think of because so many other people have let them down. But it really gets to me at times that so few people give a damn.

Not only did she come in on a number of occasions and find him lying in poo. But having fought to see his records they've discovered that sometimes he didn't get fed at night because of staff shortages.

People want to know how Gordon Brown feels, but not how this poor couple feel.

My eldest son Jack was born prematurely at 26 weeks, no medical explanation at all as to why . I had fantastic aftercare. My gynaecologist had a meeting with us to go through Jacks post mortem and was very sympathetic. He also saw me every two weeks when I was pregnant with Wilf and had me admitted for bedrest when i developed pre eclampsia. He didnt deliver Wilf but insisted on seeing us both personally before we left the hospital. I am now nearly 41 and the chances of me having another child are slim as i am not in a relationship at the moment. However even if i was i doubt i would have the courage to have another baby a) because of what happened with Jack and Wilfs subsequent problems which were not related to his birth and b) I dont think i could ever find another consultant who looked after me like Mr Vasey did.

My twin boys were born at 30 weeks, the last 2 I spent in hospital bleeding. My care in pregnancy wasn't great, but all the neonatal staff I came into contact with did the best they could.

I too am 41, and most unlikely to have any more children. I couldn't go thru pregnancy again because, like you, I'm just not confident I would have sympathetic care, and quite frankly if I lost another child I'd lose my marbles too.

I'm in awe of the lady who has lost her sons. She has suffered so much, and would you believe she's never even been offered counselling on the NHS! She's had to pay privately.

So utterly wrong.

irreplaceable , I am so sorry you are walking this crappy path .

I have also read and signed x

Hiya everyone xx

Oi Crumpette how are you doing?

Hiya ILike

Hello and welcome irreplaceable, so sorry for your loss xx

Found some more daffodils peeking through the leaves in the woods this morning - lovely walk with a friend then started to get my head in gear for the weekend's fundraising activities

Been feeling a bit more like myself again this evening - think i can feel the return of my fighting spirit!!

Hope the walk goes well PPM. Im just going to check my account and donate if it lets me. Wish you all the best with your fundraising.

The organisation for mine is going well. We have several companies that my db used that are willing to donate raffle prizes or something and others that i have just asked. Going town with my mum tomorrow to ask his local pub. I want a bottle of Jack Daniels as a raffle prize!! Was his drink after all

Hiya Shelley thank you xx

its ok i've just made a donation. Only a small one but it will help you get towards your total xx