Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

[shabbapinkfrog]

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

I think a card or a letter saying how much they are in your thoughts. It is not insensitive - in fact it is the total opposite. I have a treasure box that is full to bursting with cards and letters after I lost my two sons - I still look through them every now and then and the boys died 28 and 18 years ago. Your card will be a great comfort to them xx

I agree with shabbs. Although db was older it was nice that so many people thought to send cards, some didnt know db but knew my parents. Was still very nice of them to think of us.

Dreams are just figments of your imagination aren't they? They don't mean that what is depicted in the dream is going to happen does it? Sorry if that doesn't make much sense i just need a bit of reassurance over a dream i keep having.

Shelley - I think that dreams are a mixture of what has happened over the day mixed with anxiety, sadness and stuff that is out of our control. I used to dream that a man knocked at my door and asked for help. He used to point to the farm over the road from my Mums and off I would go to help out. When I looked back the man had turned into a vampire and he had my sons and was running away with them!! The dream came every single night for a long time.

In a way your dream is similar to mine but very different if that makes sense. Think it will just be easier to tell me dream.

I go to pick ds up from preschool and he's not there. I ask the manager who is also his keyworker and she says he was picked up 30-45 minutes ago. I go off on one and tell them they've went against their own policy about not letting children leave with an unauthorised adult. She tells me that i phoned up and gave permission for someone to pick ds up. Explain i didnt and asked who collected ds. She gives a description of a man and his name. Also gave the password so they knew he was collecting ds....Matthew. At which point my heart sinks i get completely hysterical. DB's killer has got ds. Phone mum make sure he hasnt been taken there then phone police. I wake up at this point.

Sorry that was rather detailed

Oh sweetheart Anxiety, grief, bereavement, sadness - all rolled together in a dream. I used to write my dream down and read it just to try and make some sense of it.

Eventually in my dream I carried a stake around [barking mad emoticon] and used to shout the Lords prayer really loudly [they're coming to take me away emoticon] I knew that I could kill the vampire with a stake and I have no idea why I receited the Lords Prayer?????? My DH said I would shout it word perfect at least once a night.

I think my mind was in a very, very dark place after my Matt was killed.

This has to be the weirdest message I have ever posted on Mumsnet!

It only started a few nights away nearly didnt take ds preschool on friday because of it. Could have been intersting 'Hi is my son still there only i had a nightmare last night'
That makes sense carrying a stake, the lords prayer could be for comfort. Or it does say to deliver us from evil so could have been because your boys were with a vampire and he was the evil.

ROFL @ bringing out the madness - Im daft enough - you certainly dont make me any dafter.

I think you kind of have to face your fears and take DS - it wont stop you feeling anxious but it is good for him to have 'normality.' Is there a member of staff there who you could confide in - thinking along the lines of 'you know what happened with my brother and I know this might sound crazy BUT......' having just said that if I hear an ambulance around my area and I know that Danny is on his way to work - the ambulance is always going to help Danny!!!! If it is after 8 o'clock I know its not.........out comes the madness again

Im sure i could lol.

He did go on friday i forced myself to take him. He only started at the start of this term but loves going. I'm not sure about confiding in one of them his keyworker is quite stand offish. I went to make sure she knew what had happened to my brother and she was a bit urgh you've spoken to x about it havent you.

I'm the same i knew my other brother had gone out as id let mu parents a little after him, 3 police cars went down my mums street, 1 unmarked same style as the FLO was using a 4x4 and a normal one. I paniced and ran down the street with ds and burst in mums door. She thought i was off my head as she didnt know the police were on the street. Unmarked had parked outside my parents house. That reminds me i must check dp has booked a week of in march. Im under orders not to leave my bedroom for the week dad has off work hehe

All sounds normal to me Shelley!

Wonder if the prat person you spoke to didn't know what to say or if she had lost someone close to her??? The longer DS is there you will find out who you can talk to and confide in xxx

Makes a change me being normal lol.

I don't know theres a few members of staff that will talk to me but im not sure if ds's behaviour has been explained to them. He acts out crashes with bikes and cars and firemen come to resue with policemen. Will see how things go.
I dont think it has helped that one of db's friends is on my friends list on FB and has commented on his status get matt's killer to ring me or you do. Very susipicious to whether hes lied to me lol

Hi everyone xx

Shelley can't remember how old your son is? My DS1 who was four and a half when his wee brother died has played our all sorts of role playing (at nursery and at other kids houses) and even instigated a game of 'coffins' with two huge dog baskets and roped many of the other kids (aged 3-6) in and they took turns to 'be dead'. DS1 saw everything that happened with his brother including us trying to revive his brother and all the commotion that followed until he was left with another friend when we went to the hospital. At the time i thought that it was horrendous for him to see what he saw but now i don't as i think a child's imagination can be their own worst enemy.
Yes he's been stripped of innocence but death is a part of life and many people/parents are able to choose when to discuss these things with their kids. we had no choice. Your DS will work through things in his own time and role playing in my view is very healthy for him. I called winston's wish a couple of times and found them very helpful with some good practical help for DS1.

We watched Nanny McPhee last night with DS1 and don't know if any of you have seen it but the dad is an undertaker.... cue 101 questions from DS1... what is that man doing? Are those people dead? totally relevant and i'm glad to say we were able to give him answers like 'you remember that man called xx who looked after gregor after he died but before we said our goodbyes to him, well that man does the same job and it's called an undertaker'

I get totally freaked out everytime i hear an ambulance.

Am starting to ramble now i think..... Been thinking what to do for G's first anniversary - the toddlers group he was part of are hoping to do a 'welly waddle' sponsored walk in aid of a charity that has helped/supported us and I'm thinking of inviting others to join that. Can't imagine doing this on the actual anniversary date but maybe one of the weekends that follows. What did you guys do for the first and subsequent anniversaries? Do you mark them by doing something or do you sit quietly in a dark room and wait for the day to be over??!!

PPM You have got me thinking now! I cant remember first anniversaries for either of my boys....therefore, I reckon I must have rocked in the corner of a dark room - I REALLY hope I didn't but I have no memory of it.

My DS1 didn't see Matts accident but he saw him under the lorry and I took him to see Matt in the hospital room. Matt looked like he was sleeping - he had his normal snotty nose and he was so mucky because he had been playing in the garden.

DS1 was always fascinated by the crucifixion story (he went to a church primary school) he had a massive morbid curiosity about it.

Hiya Shabs, Isn't it weird how we remember some things but others are just excluded from memory!?

We took DS1 to see G at the undertaker (and with the permission of one of my fab friends one of his wee friends came too) It was just the most bizarre situation as DS1 said to the undertaker "if i die i'll need a bigger coffin than that, If you die (pointing at me) you'd need a bigger one than me and if you die (pointing at DH) you'd also need a bigger coffin than me." He reduced the undertaker to tears that day!!

Easter was very badly timed last year... within weeks of us explaining to DS1 that his brother had died and wouldn't physically be with us anymore - the whole easter story kicks in and i get a load of questions along the lines of if Jesus can come back from the dead will my brother?

Think we've broken the habit of crying at the school gate. 7 days into a 10 day star chart and so far so good - he's a wee star xx

He sounds like Danny - Danny cried every day I left him at school for many, many months. GP has said that Dan has separation anxiety and will always have it. He is much better than he used to be

on the first birthday ,we let ballons off and cake ,i dont know if right ,he still gets something on his grave on every anniversary.
ppm i do mile in memory every year with my whole family,it wont bring him back but if it saves just one life having to walk this shit path then so be it

PPM ds is 3.2, was 2.11 when db was killed. I'm not sure i know what to think of ds role playing it. I know role play is normal but it seams so strange him doing it with this. I only have myself to blame really as I've told him what happened in simple terms. He didnt see db at the hospital or chapel of rest. Hw would tried to get db to wake up and play with him, as selfish as it might sound i couldn't watch that. He did go to the funeral.
The first anniversairy is a long way of but DB and I have said about doing a memorial event at one of the pubs in town. So will have to start organising that shortly, i might take his book and ask people to write what they think about him a year on

Hello everyone , I am knackered , two days of working and partying but it was all good fun .

For Harrys first birthday and anniversary we both had the day off and went to feed the ducks . It was a place I used to take him and he loved it . It was really sad but nice at the same time . It is difficult now because of my other boys , they let a balloon go this yr which was heartbreaking to watch but it was their idea so I had to go with it . I tend to include them in remembering him on his birthday but not on the ann . It just seems too much to expect them to deal with it at the ages they are . I am sure that will change as they get older but for now it works for us .

chegirl I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and Billie at the moment , I know this week is a shite one for you xx

Hazy I don't think there is anything that is right or wrong just what feels like what we want and need to do to get through. Although G didn't appear to die from Cot death i spent 4 months thinking he did and the local cot death trust have provided me with support so we're thinking of raising funds for them. you're absolutely right if it saves just one family going through this then it's totally worth it xx

Shelley I totally know where you're coming from re it feeling strange for your son to be role playing with this. The way i look at it kids role play everything that is their 'normal' so at least he's not hoarding it away in his head xx better out than in heh!

Hello all

Dee - many congratulations!

PPM - we have a service at our local church for our boy every year around the time of his accident. We invite everyone we can think of & incorporate something appropriate, without hijacking the whole thing IYSWIM. We then have everybody back to the house - it's just evolved this way. I did this the first year cos it gave me something to focus on & I think it helped... We have given everyone sunflower seeds in the past couple of years too so that they have something tangible to remember him by.

Shelley: Re role-playing: it's v healthy! I often wish we,as adults, had access to something similar without being thought of as completely mad! Children will re-enact situations that challenge them & it's only a problem if they get 'stuck' in a certain situation [teacher/counsellor hat on]. Your DS sounds like he's working the trauma thro, which is great for him, but difficult for you.

Z x

PPM - we spend C's anniv and birthday together as a family day. We go and visit C's grave and then go off and spend the day together, often going somewhere where we used to go with C. Sort of bittersweet really, but it's what feels right for us. I think that's probably a good phrase. Do whatever you feel is right for you.

I've been thinking of you too Che. The build up is normally the worst part xxx

Good to know its normal for him to do that. Its hard as he does what im pretty sure happened that day. He likes the idea of fireman sam helping his uncle. I dont discourage him fro doing it just turn away sometimes when it gets too much. Thanks

Hiya Ziggy, Loving the idea of the sunflower seeds - may well do that.

ILike, As usual your advice is very sound - grief and remembrance is all about what's right individually and collectively for us all. No rights, no wrongs just so many manners of expression.

TW, I remember your post about the balloon now you mentioned it.

And Shelley it is so hard to watch our children grieve sometimes - I've become a master of silent tears over the last 10 months!!

Keep strong everyone xx

My family think i shouldnt remember Jack on hia days!!! I do it anyway!!!