Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

[shabbapinkfrog]

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

No need to say sorry Che, and no, nothing else will do.

To be able to live with that forever - I try my hardest to put a positive spin on it and tell myself that I would do it all again to have had the privilege of carrying, giving birth to, and spending 15 months with my darling boy. How I wish it was longer than 15 months though.

Yep I hear you too Che, its just crap all crap. How the hell am i supposed to live with this forever? Every March I'm going to have his birthday, Mother's day, the date of his death and the date of his funeral - It's just a huge pile of shit and i hate it.... and the worst thing is that this is just the first year of this shitty existence.

I wish I could say something helpful.

I am not really in that place at the moment.

I am not always like this. I am mostly ok.

I have an anniversary coming up soon too and that always hits us like a hammer. Mother's day is crap and always will be and I feel dreadfully guilty because I have my lovely boys with me still.

I have been looking at archived photos of the hospital we spent so much time in. Dont ask me why, why do we do these things. The hospital has been demolished now and there are lots of photos online taken by 'guerilla' photographers who break in and take moody photos of old hospitals etc.

I feel like screaming at them. That hospital was such a huge part of our lives. The worst things happened there but they were going to make everything ok again. Now its gone, all its history, all that humanity and pain, knocked down to make luxury flats that are now on hold because of the recession.

I am sorry I am ranting and going off on one.

I am sorry to be so negative, its not helping anyone and I dont want to make anyone feel worse.

Hang on. Keep going. I will.

Oh my friends - I just got in from my friends and have been reading your posts. I dont think any of you will believe me when I say this BUT this Mothers Day has been quite calm for me. The shite saying 'time heals' is true - but it doesn't stop me from hating it!!

About a month ago Tom lost his iPod. Danny bought it for him a couple of Christmas times ago. Spent a fortune on it for him because Tom loves music.

We have searched the entire house - every cupboard, every drawer, every surface etc etc - in fact Lew was shining Toms torch (Lews favourite toy) under everything trying to help me find it. I cant tell you how many times we have searched for it. Last night Chelles SIL was talking about how she is starting to train to become a medium. I said to her - 'Next time you speak to my lads will you ask them where the bloody iPod is!!' We all laughed and she said she would see what she could do!

OK - so last night we get home. Tom has a shower. I go into his room and put the tv on. Few minutes later Tom walked in with his towel around him and stooped down on the floor. He stood up with the iPod in his hand!!!!! It was in the middle of his bedroom on the floor??????? That room has been turned upside down looking for it - it looked like it had either been thrown into the room from the door or dropped through the ceiling.

Tom was ecstatic. I started to sob because I KNEW who had found it!!! Tom said he had never seen me cry like that before. He asked why I was crying and I just said I missed his brothers. We have had a calm, content day with Tom never far from my side.

PPM - oh my darling you will get 'through' this - we will all help you. Che - I can feel your hurt. To all of you, my dear friends, 'together we stand, divided we fall.' WE WILL MAKE IT MY FRIENDS, WE WILL MAKE IT xxxx

big hugs to everyone xxppm i wish i knew what to say, wish i could say anything but everyone is here for youxx
will speak later as just finished workxxx

PPM big massive hugs to you today xxxxx

sorry my posts were all me me me the other day, lost the plot slightly. Was having one of those days where I wondered why the hell I got up in the morning and wondered why I exist really when my raison d'etre has gone. Thanks Ilike, I have to go to the GP anyway for DS's 8 week check (he is now 9 weeks! I have been avoiding it) so I think I should confess a little bit then. I just don't want to appear like I'm not coping especially now I have DS I don't want them to think I am depressed or anything (I have a bit of a history of depression from my teens, priory stay etc etc, years before this stuff happened though and I was 'fine' afterwards, I do now wonder why I was exactly like it because compared to losing L everything seems so insignificant) I don't think I'm irrationally miserable, I think anyone would feel like I do in the circumstances but 'other people' don't always seem to understand that and I didn't want to be a cause for concern in any way

ho hum I am off to have loads of some coffee and sort out the disaster that is the kitchen (argh) before DS awakes!

x

Up this morning and still feeling really low - This is just shit. Don't know how i'm going to put one foot in front of the other today. DH taking Ds1 to school today as i just can't face the school gate and all those looks of sympathy and sadness. Have already had loads of text messages from friends but still feel in a very dark lonely place.

PPM I was just coming back to say I have just lit a candle for Gregor and put it on top of the fireplace, it will be there all of today.

I wish I knew what to say, it's ridiculous I should know what to say but I don't. You are never alone, we're all holding your hand today and I truly believe Gregor is somewhere, holding your other hand. xxxxx

PPM - give us your hand love - right I will be walking with you holding your hand all day today. Whenever you get that heart pounding horrible moment give my hand a squeeze. We are all with you and, very sadly, we all understand your 'very dark, lonely place.' We have all been there and, I think we are all there at least on a daily basis no matter how long ago our loss was.

Sending much love, affection and support and lighting a candle for you and your family today xxxxxxx

PPM , I have lit a candle here for your darling boy , standing with you today x

I am sorry I haven't been around for a couple of days , I tried to get on yesterday but my stupid computer is rubbish .

I don't know where to start in replying to all of your thoughts but please know I am thinking of you all . Mothers day is shite but I promise you that now I don't dread it like I used to . Things do get easier ....

I remember someone I used to talk to about Harry , she was a bereavement counsellor , I just couldn't see at the time how things could ever get to a place where I would be ok again , I just knew that it would never be "normal" for me again . She explained that although it would still hurt that I would get stronger muscles to be able to carry the grief . She was right . I think I am bloody Popeye now .

Thank you all for the hugs and thoughts on Thomas's birthday. We lit his candle, put his card and a little teddy on his grave and released a couple of helium balloons to mark the day. They hard some really nice balloons in birthdays called 'messages to heaven', with a little poem for son, daughter, brother etc that you tie to the balloon. Hard to buy but easier than in previous years when I've bought normal balloons and dreaded questions like who or what is for.

It's been hard this year with Mother's Day being so close too. Like most of you I feel very lucky to have my wonderful DS2 and DD, but there will always be someone missing from the special occasions. There's been times where I've felt weird at parties or whatever and not realised straight away what it was that was wrong. Then it's dawned on me that it's because someone very important isn't there that should be, our DS1. I guess it will always feel like that, but as Shabba says, it gets a bit easier with time.

PPM, my thoughts are with you today, this must be so hard for you, all these milestones in one go. Big hugs xx

I'll be lighting a candle here for your darling Gregor today PPM.

We're all here to prop you up and help you along.

Only 16 days left of March and counting ....

crumpette - you have nothing to confess to your GP. You are finding it difficult at the moment and you need some help. There is no shame in that. Be honest with them.

It does surprise me actually that bereaved mothers who go on to have further children aren't monitored more. (I don't like using the word monitored in this context but I can't think of another word at the mo.) For instance, I haven't seen a HV since M was 10wo. Mostly my choice as I think they are shite and I don't go to the clinics, but they know about C, so I would have thought I would be on their radar - but obviously not. Maybe they think having another child makes everything ok????

Sorry you are finding everything so hard Che, come and have a chat anytime you need to.

Nice to see you back TW. Technology eh? You can't live with it, you can't live without it?

Exactly Ilike

I know what you mean about expecting to be looked after better by gps etc . I needed a lot of support when Jamie was born , I had panic attacks and felt generally twitchy for want of a better word . Luckily I did have good friends and family , I honestly don't know how you manage without the support .

Thanks everyone xx ILike you're absolutely right - roll on april !!! Been out with DH for a while. Think i've just upset my parents now.... they've popped in for a while, brought me flowers from my brother who i've only just heard from for the first time since christmas on friday past.... ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I DON'T WANT BLOODY FLOWERS TODAY OF ALL DAYS, I'VE BOUGHT MYSELF DAFFODILS WHICH IS ALL I WANT .... BLOODY WELLMEANING FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd rather get flowers any other day of the bloody year. Sorry for rant, just needed to get it out!!!

ppm if the flowers make you worse,bin them ,its not ungrateful .nursing home was full of flowers yesterday, i was looking after a very ill lady last night, and her family had sent flowers, supposed to make her fell better when they dont bother visiting her.
i officiallly hate flowers in the house,love little flowers in the garden.
daffodils are my mums favourite flowers she leaves them on jayden.

At least that's today nearly done - phew - been an emotionally draining day.... feeling completely shattered but guessing that sleep will be difficult to come by . Thanks to all of you for being here. I'd have never imagined that you'd be such a source of support but you have been... you're an amazing bunch xxxx

Been thinking about you today PPM - I know that we are all here for each other - thats the only way forward for us all. We cant bring back our precious little 'uns - BUT we can support each other and talk about them. We can express our feelings always knowing that at least one other person on here will have had the same feelings. xxxxx

Morning girls xx

Morning xx

Hi all.

I hope today brings some relief for you PPM xxx

Hi all

my new shiny computer is still playing up so iits hard for me to get on from home

PPM I did light a candle for Gregor and was thinking of you all

I still cant do mothers day .. for me its harder than b/days and xmases.. dont know why it just is

my answer this year was to get pished.. very very pished. There are no answers at the

I am just starting to pick myslef back up now

chegirl you are soo right nothing else will do.. I still want Fraser back too...

I read an advert on the subway the other day for the national cot death trust.. it said 300 kids die of cot death every year in the uk and to give generously to research

Now I have nothing against this but why are there not adverts saying 17 kids a day are stillborn please give to research???

sometimes I want to yell this fact from the roof of the city chambers

will stop ranting and await men in white coats

FM - how you doing? Got nothing I can say that's gonna help but wanted you to know I've been thinking of you. The statistics are scary but oh so real and I do believe that more should be done to make people aware of them and to provide better support for bereaved families. Are there any charities who do work to research stillbirths?

I've had a (relatively speaking) better day today and yes ILike it has been almost a relief to reach today with some of my marbles intact. Made it to work for a while today which i didn't think i'd manage to do but figured i couldn't feel any worse at work than i would have at home so kind of forced myself to go in.

Morning girls xx

Morning all xx