Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

[shabbapinkfrog]

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

crumpette - the things you mentioned about your ds's health? We've been there and done that too with ds2. One night he wouldn't settle and had a high pitched scream (v unlike him),and it nearly got to the point where we were going to take him to the hospital and demand some LFT's. Encephalopothy (sp?) crossed both of our minds and I felt so cross that we were even aware of what the word meant - everyone else would think their baby was just unsettled.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think it's totally normal to feel like that. I think a certain amount of innocence is lost when you spend time with a child/loved one in hospital as you start to learn what sort of things can happen - iyswim. I can't bear to watch hospital drama's anymore. Apart from them taking me back to the months spent at Kings, I also hate the fact that I now know what a lot of the acronyms are and what they mean.

Night girls - see you all in the morning xxxx

Morning xx

Morning all x feeling low today. Monday will mark the first anniversary of Gregor's death. However tomorrow being a sunday seems more like the day that matters. At the moment we're planning to go out as a family of three and do something together but who knows whether that will still feel do-able in another 24hours

Oh darling - the first 'remember' day is so very hard - such a massive milestone to get past. BUT sadly we cant stop the World from turning. I wish I could say something that would help - just want you to know we are all here for you and we will all walk this 'crappy road' together - propping each other up along the way. xxxx

Oh PPM, birthdays ans anniv's are so hard, but none so as the first one's. Like Shabba I wish I could find the words to make everything better for you .............

You WILL get through this.

Stay strong, stay as a team, and cry and laugh. Do anything that feels right xxx

PPM Thoughts for you all this weekend and Monday.

I have ofen found that the lead up to an anniversary is the hard part. I have dreaded dates, but when they appear it somehow is not as bad as I had feared. Like going to the dentist, maybe. Not that I am trivialising anyones feelings in any way. I think maybe I am someone who just always fears the worst and dreads things happening.

Thoughts for you all on Mother's day too. I know I have a house full now, but I still always feel that wrench on the day, especially, like a few of you on here it all coincides with anniversaries.

Thanks ladies, been out for a few hours at soft play as a family and with a couple friends. Also planning a family day out tomorrow.

Just don't know which way is up at the moment, everything just seems all too weird. Would be sorely tempted to bury myself in wine or vodka if it wasn't for the diet...

Thanks for being here xx

ok I'm no less mad but am stuck here BFing so I'm back sorry! please ignore the following rant

have just found out (yesterday) that great aunt (on father's side), one of 5 aunts on that side but the only one I like a lot who is really fun and who my father lived with when he was younger(he died 25yrs ago but she was v close to him and transferred that to me when I was little) has bowel cancer.. and I think it's quite advanced.. and all I could say when I heard the news was, oh well, so what
Is that awful of me?? I just can't imagine another person dying, after L and my grandmother, both of whom died last year, she is pretty much my next favourite person (OK I know that makes me sound like I'm about 5 yrs old but I don't feel close to my family) I don't really know how to react, so I am not reacting at all. In fact my only response has been very very cold and along the lines of 'so what she's in her 50s she's not 14 months old, do I really care, no, has she spent months in hospital in agony, no' etc
I cannot bring myself to call her and be nice to her, I feel like I'm being such a b*tch but I honestly feel nothing. I just think I'm a really horrible person now, after L's illness and death, I'm horrid to be around. My response to the Chilean earthquake wasn't sympathy for those poor people, it was to contemplate bulk buying cabernet sauvignon ! I am horrible!

x

Crumpette - the symptoms you describe when you go outside sound like panic attacks. I think it would probably be a good idea to speak to someone about them before they get worse. That way they will be easier to deal with.

Sorry to hear about your Great Aunt. When you describe how you feel, to me it seems like you are blocking out feeling anything emotional as that is the easiest way for you to do deal with things at the moment. It's not necessarily your fault, it's probably the body and brains way of protecting itself.

You really have been through so much and with seemingly very little support, so it's no surprise you feel like this. If I were you I would think about going to your GP and ask him to refer you to someone you can talk to about EVERYTHING, no holds barred.

Oh god ppm .. mothers day and first anniversay.. no wonder you are feeling wobbly

I dont like mothers day - despite having a loving 4 year old

I will be thinking of you all tomorrow

Hiya Crumpette, Here's a HUGE Hug from me to you darling xx I totally know what you mean re your great aunt and other deaths in general ... a very close friend of my mother's died very suddenly and unexpectedly just after new year and my reaction was... absolutely no reaction, felt nothing at all not even a touch of sadness... I have since discussed this with a few friends and my counsellor as I thought it was a bit weird and totally out of character for me. For folks like us who have experienced such a huge loss no other death (according to my counsellor not even the death of someone else's child!) will touch us whilst we are submerged in such intense grief. I don't know if some of the others who are further down this road than us know if this changes in time but for me all I could think was 'She's had her life, my son had only two years'.

I do think you need to try to get some support for how you're feeling re not wanting to go out. If you don't think your GP then maybe some sort of counselling helpline... Don't write anything off unless you try it is my advice. I have experienced waves of anxiety and have learned through time to control them - they still happen I just recognise what they are and know that they will pass. Even such normality like going to a friend's house for the evening has had my stomach in turmoil and bouts of diahorrea at the thought of it... I'm generally ok once i've got in the door of wherever but the stress beforehand can be quite overwhelming.

Hiya FM - Yeah i don't think mothers day will ever be the same again Have promised my DH that I'll put the face on in the morning for the sake of my very excited ds1 who's obviously been making something for me at school bless him.

Hiya girls - on my way to bed!!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO US ALL.

We are all Mums - we will all remain mums forever...we are all walking the crappy path together, arm in arm, forever xxxx

I Am A Mother

I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.

I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow,
The love of my family that he'd come to know.

The sound of his voice as he learns to talk,
Watching his steps as he tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am his mother yet nobody knows.

I've spent all these months feeling him grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.

I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.

I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.

And just because he's not here with me,
I still have a son I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be his mother forevermore!

• Author Unknown -

Beautiful FM - just beautiful xxx

Good morning ladies

I hope you don't mind me intruding, but I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you all on Mother's day, which I am sure must be a very sad and difficult day for you all having lost your dear children. I hope that you have a peaceful day.

Yes, me too.

Thinking of you all today. x

ds (aka dh) bought me my sister's keeper on dvd. They went out and left me to watch it ...

oh my god I have demolished a box of tissues.. I have had to seek solace in wine and choc..

At least it got my mothers day tears out my system

hope you are all having a peaceful day

Hi all, Lovely Aled Jones read my email out on Radio2 this morning, for all Mums who have lost children.............

Thanks for your thought Sybil and cleverlyconcealed

How are you doing PPM? xxx

I've been staying away from that film FM, and from what you've said that sounds like a good idea.

We went to see C's grave today. I feel less and less close to him everytime I go there. However it was really calm there today and all of a sudden there was a huge gust of wind and the leaves all swirled around making a real racket and I'm sure for a fleeting few seconds I felt him there

Happy Mothers Day to us all xxx

Hiya ILike, Am really struggling tonight. Have held it together all day but now the tears are flowing. Had a day out today at a sealife centre with dh and ds1. Just a fucking weird horrible day. The contradictions are just too awful. I feel oh sooo grateful to have ds1 but mothers day will never feel the same again without ds2. so so

Tbh I don't think Mother's Day will feel the same ever again, not for me anyway. Any holiday or celebration hasn't really felt the same since losing C. They have got easier, but it's still not the same. I found that realisation hard to deal with at first, but I do think I'm coming to terms with it. For me, accepting that it's never going to be the same actually helps. I think it stops me from raging against such a horrible horrible injustice.

Nice to see you LF

You alright TW?

Just how crap is everything?

I am really trying hard to be positive and count my many blessings.

I just cant.

I miss her and I want her back. Nothing else will do will it?

How do we live with that for ever?

Sorry.