The very special thread for bereaved mums , dads , grandparents and anyone who has felt the agonising pain of child bereavement . Whatever madness you are feeling you will find a knowing ear .

[travellingwilbury]

Welcome one and all , old and new .

We are all here in all our different stages and memories to support each other along the way .

ppm.. are you snowed in ..just seen your local hogmanay party is cancelled ...

right enough from me - am off to have some wine..

a guid new year when it comes

Not totally snowed in FM but car's not moved for over a week!! main roads are clear but there's over a foot of snow still lying around the village.

No wine for me tonight - had enough last night to last me for 2010 i think! xx

A lovely post FM, and so true.

PPM - do whatever YOU want to do tonight, not what is expected of you. If you want to wallow and cry, do that. But if you want to eat, drink and be merry, then go ahead. There is no right or wrong.

Dee & Crumpette - yes the worry is normal. I think people who haven't lost children worry as well, but multiply that by a million and you're getting close to how a bereaved parent feels. I would have big wobbles, but then the logical and sensible side of my brain would prevail and I would be ok ...... until the next time.

I would say that as long as your logical and sensible side prevail eventually, then there's nothing to worry about.

Congratulations on the arrival of Grace

Dee - can you write a list of things to do then get a good friend to go through it with you and help? Explain to them why you're finding it difficult and they can help you and be sensitive to how you're feeling.

may I be first to wish you all a guid new year

I am raising a glass to all our missing loved ones

here's to you all

I survived it girls LOL xxxx A very good night. Just at my dear friends sisters house. Their brother has driven us home. I am very lucky to have good friends. I would like to wish you all a very happy new year xxxxxx

Morning girls xx

Morning everyone. Stayed put last night, Went to bed at same time as DS1. Think DH was shocked i didn't want to go out cos that's how i've coped with many situations up til now. Anyway he totally got it once i explained how i felt. Strength and love to you all xx

Good morning all and a Happy New Year xx

FM I agree with everything you posted , it is so true .

Dee and Crumpette I felt exactly the same when I was pregnant after losing Harry . It is such a tricky time . To allow yourself to hope again is such a big step . You will both get there but I completely understand . By the end of this month you will both be smelling that gorgeous newborn smell again .

Congratulations on the safe arrival of baby Grace wonderful news

Morning love.

Awwwww my brother is a doting Grandad!!! He was so angry with his son for not using contraception and ranted and raved about Becki being pregnant. He saw baby last night and he has fallen in love We always shorten names in our family and he calls her Gracie Lou - awwwwww!!

I think these awful fears in pregnancy are very normal - I dreaded my brother ringing me to say that Grace had died - sooooo silly I know but I didn't know how I would support them if it happened.

shabs you've gone quiet have the men in the van turned up yet?

FM and TW thank you for posts..

Happy new year everyone! My new year has started a bit strangely... ate some apricots (never eat apricots usually) and had a rather alarming allergic reaction, swelled up from my legs to my chest with huge red bumpy itchy rash very very quickly and v bad chest pain!! DP got a bit alarmed and tried calling the maternity unit but was on hold for ages then gave up luckily after a couple hours it seems to have passed..! 2010 had better be a nicer year than 2009...!! Am yet to be convinced

So I think I am perhaps allergic to apricots, or perhaps suplhites (they were dried apricots).. if it's the latter, this is very very bad news.. that will mean I am allergic to most wine ghastly thought x

FM just re-read your post has made me all blurry eyed
ilike--- logical and sensible side? I can't find it! aaaaah!

happy new year!! Shabbs Congrats on the birth of Grace.

I got incredibly drunk was as good as it could be really noticed matt being missing. All got a bit upset at one point or another. DB, his friend and I ended up talking about matt raising a toast to Matt (i'm getting good at that) and drank a bottle of JD.
My year has had a crap start and Im trying really hard not to panic. DB was breathles earlier today and decided to go hospital when he spat up blood. It usually takes days to get him to go. Mums just phoned to let me know incase he'd mentioned nbeing unwell to me. Hes been admitted as he's got a collapsed lung. He was fine when he left me just before 3.

Hello everyone, I am brand new to this thread, and can't believe I haven't found you before.

I lost my first child Joseph 8 years ago today. Writing that has made me all weepy- 8 years! Joseph was stillborn, and we were never able to find out why. I was 32 wks with him. Looking back I can't quite believe where I am today- if you had told me at the time that one day I would be able to function, and even be happy, well I never would have believed you.

I have since had 2 more children- ds is 7 and dd is 4- and am currently pg with my 4th. We are off to do the birthday things later today- hospital chapel and memorial garden. My ds said today he "couldn't wait" for it to be Joseph's birthday, and I asked why and he said "'cos he's my brother!" looking at me like I was mad for asking! Bless his heart and

This is the first anniversary that I have been pregnant. New year is a shit time for me, as I found out he had died on the 30th and was induced that day, but he wasn't born until the 2nd. I will never forget watching the new year on the TV with my dh in the bereavement suite, and hearing other newborns crying and just thinking this cannot be happening.

I always find his birthday and especially the build up to it difficult. Sometimes moreso as the years pass- with the turn of the new decade I almost feel like he is getting further away from me, if that makes sense.

I have a strong faith and feel certain that I will see him again one day. And I feel so lucky for my other children. The 3 of them look very alike, which is a massive comfort to me. And my dc talk about him all the time, even though they never met him. He is what they have always known, and I love that. Joseph definitely has a special and happy place in our family.

I don't know why I am writing this, I think to share him with you all. I have started to read the whole thread but not yet finished. I am really so sorry we have all been through this. At the moment I am feeling a huge need to almost ram it down people's throats- if talking about pg I always bring up my experiences in his pg. I find it really difficult when people tell me "oh it doesn't matter what you have as you have one of each" when I don't. There will always be one of us missing.

I hope this isn't too waffly/honest/boring! and hope to get to know you all better. Thank you for letting me talk about Joseph so much, I don't always get to do that.

Happy birthday Joseph, I'll hold you in heaven xxxx

happy birthday joseph... I am lighting a candle in your ds's honour

welcome along saucepan. I am sorry you have to join us here but glad you have found somewhere to talk about joseph

My first little boy Fraser was stillborn almost 6 years ago and like you I carried my little boy for 2 days after he died before giving birth.

I think you are very brave to have gone on and had another 3 kids .. I was sooo scared when I fell pregnant again that I couldnt have done it more than once

Did you have a post mortem for joseph? did it find anything?

I hope you have a peaceful day today

Welcome to our safe haven thread Saucepan.

Your words are so eloquent and true...I got a wobbly lip reading them and I am now many years down the line. I lost my 7 month old twin baby boy in 1982 due to congenital heart problems and then in 1992 my 7 year old son was knocked down and killed by a reversing lorry. Doesn't it sound so simple when its written down in a few sentances?

Im lighting my candle in honour and with respect for your little lad.

xxxxxxxx

Hi ladies,

Sorry I havent been back since my initial post; NYE was yuck, so went into hiding a bit .

Thank you all so much for replying, and thank heavens for this forum! Nice to know that I am not the only one, (I know how awful that sounds!) but I feel like a freak at the moment; I have decided that I dont want to let this define me - I dont want to be "Abi whose son died" but "Abi who something shit happened but they kept on going", you know?

Shabba, Frasermummy, peterpansmum, Iliketomoveit, deemented, crumpette, sauccepanmum, thank you all so much for sharing your stories and making me feel less of a freak; I currently feel like I am walking around with a neon sign on my head.
it can happen to anyone and we were just the unlucky ones. Congrats on all the pregnancies too, cannot wait to join you.

Thank you all so much ladies,

Hiya Abi - I know just what you mean!! I have been all of the following:-

Shabba who had twin boys and only found out 10 days before she had them that there were two!!

Shabba who had the twin with heart problems who died.

Shabba who had another little lad.

Shabba whose little lad was killed.

Shabba who has had 3 lads and only has one alive.

Shabba who had her 4th lad when she was almost 41

and the one I like the best

Shabba who lost 2 lads but waded through the crap and found her way back.

The last one is a quote from my best friend Chelle.

Shabba, I am so sorry for your losses, that is unimaginable, and I am so grateful that you have made it through the crap, and can talk so openly to help people like me.

Did you do bereavement counselling of any type (sorry being nosey!)

xx

I joined Compassionate Friends where I found Triplets (multiple mums thread) and we used to talk to each other often.

A few years ago I went to see a physiciatrist (sp???) because I honestly felt like I was loosing my mind. It was a very kind lady and I found her of no help whatsoever. I need to see a male shrink who will be tough on me IYKWIM!! I would like to have the therapy where you are hypnotised - no idea what it is called!! My problem is that when they ask me how I am I always reply - Im fine thanks WTF????

I have a lifetime of grief, anger, rage, and why me all stored up in my head and heart and I am a little afraid to let it go!!! I put on a face before I leave the house and always try to laugh about everything - it is not, medically, the best way to do it - it just works for me.

[DOH emoticon] hypno-therapy!!

Abi

I know exactly what you mean.. for a long while I felt I was like fraser's had a stilbirth mummy

People didnt how to act around me

I just wanted to yell.. I am still the same person - its just something awful has happened to me and it would be nice to talk to you about it

you know what they say shabs fine means

fuckedup, insecure,

sorry

Abi

I know exactly what you mean.. for a long while I felt I was like fraser's had a stilbirth mummy

People didnt how to act around me

I just wanted to yell.. I am still the same person - its just something awful has happened to me and it would be nice to talk to you about it

the feeling you stand out from the crowd will pass.. and then one day you will feel that no-one even remembers -which is worse I am afraid.. but we will be here for you

you know what they say shabs fine means

fuckedup, insecure, neurotic and emotional

sounds about right for us all at one time or another

Hello everyone and welcome to saucepan , thank you for telling us about Joseph . I am so sorry you are walking this shitty path but I am glad you have found us .
A candle will be lit here in Sussex in honour of your little boy .

I lost my first son Harry in 2001 , he was 14 mths old , he had a cold and died in my arms , his lungs just stopped working
just ???

fm I too have many moments of being FINE .

Shabs are you ever tempted to go and talk to someone now ? I did find it a relief and a release to actually be honest to someone in the end . I understand how scary it feels though xx

TW I would love to have that hypno thereapy thingeymebob!!! I cant open up to anybody, except on here I also cant talk to 'medical' type people if they are kind to me or, worst of all, stroke the back of my farkin' hand LOL look Im doing it again

I cant have Gareth and Matt back - I have finally realised that - there is no 'way back' from the way I feel. I am so lucky I have Dan, Emma, Tom and Lewis - but (and I hope none of them ever read this) that is not enough for me - I am greedy.

I just want to know where Gareth and Matt are - I want to hold them and just whisper to them that Im sorry I couldnt save them, that I would give my own life in a second for them to still be here.

You see if I told a professional all that what could they do? I talk to you ladies on here because you know what I mean. Its not fair, right or compassionate to leave me without all my children and I dont believe that if there was a God he would do that to anybody.