The very special thread for bereaved mums , dads , grandparents and anyone who has felt the agonising pain of child bereavement . Whatever madness you are feeling you will find a knowing ear .

[travellingwilbury]

Welcome one and all , old and new .

We are all here in all our different stages and memories to support each other along the way .

Just got a text from my lovely SIL - everything has stopped with Becki they have sent my nephew home and Becki is trying to get some sleep!!! I think that often means the daddy gets home and shortly after he is called back to the hospital

oh no ,i hope they get some rest

hi abi come let us offer your our hand as you take your first few tentative steps along this terrible road we all travel on here

Your grief is soo new and so raw .. I hate to say it but you have so many emotions to come.. tears, anger , hiding from the world to name but a few. NO matter what you are feeling you will find someone on here who has felt it to so dont be shy to come here and say whatever is in your head/heart

My first little boy was stillborn almost 6 years ago and I still think about him all the time and still have days when I stumble and think I cant do this any more... but have found sooo much support on here and I hope you do too

sending you hugs

Morning girls xx

Hi ladies,

thanks for the welcome. I am going to a SANDS meeting on Sunday Jan 10th, so hopefully that will be a step in the right direction.

At the moment I cant stop looking at the positives, at least the 7 weeks we had him for were perfect, I was never stressed or impatient, I just loved it all, even getting weeed on! I'll do it all again, no doubt.

My DP is taking it harder; his brother died of cot death when he was 3 months old, when my DP was 3yr old, this was 28 years ago. Archie and his brother died on the same day, the 22nd, and it has knocked my DP for six. He always wanted a son to make up for the brother he never had, and now he's gone too. Its just such a shit time of year for grief, xxx

morning,
Hope you all had as nice a christmas as possible. I've been trying to hide from it all. Let myself down christmas day. I've always managed to keep myself from crying infront of mum since just after dbs funeral. Not christmas day though. It got to me far to much in the end, Matt should be here with us physically. Felt so guilty getting so upset infront of mum as i know it upset her. It should have been me that went first not him, I'm the oldest.
Just found out that one of his ex's who tried telling us her and db were getting back together (lies) wanted the phone number of dbs killer the day she found out about his death which was the following day.

Sorry dont think any of this makes any sense but just had to write it somewhere

shelley you haven't let your Mum down in any way by loosing it over Christmas - please believe me sweetheart. My DS1 (28 years old) lost it 'big time' here on Boxing Day. All over Lews new hat Lew looked so like my Matt that we both went in the kitchen and sobbed. I just stood there holding my 6ft tall, broad shouldered firstborn and I was glad he had 'lost it.' That is a puzzling turn of events with your DB's ex - very odd!

abi - Im so glad you have come here - we all help each other my love. The SANDS meeting sounds a good starting point for you. Im lighting my candles today in honour and with respect and love for all our 'lost' children, grandchildren and siblings.

xxxx

Hello all
abi , I am so sorry you qualify to be here but I am glad you have found us . Such early days for you , just know that whatever mad thoughts you are having or will have in the future you will always find someone here who understands x

shelley , you have not let your mum down at all . I know that my close friends and family always felt really guilty if they cried in front of me but I never minded . It is a bloody awful situation to find yourself in and we are all allowed to have a good sob .

Fingers crossed that wee one makes an appearance soon Shabs x

This was just for no reason IYKWIM. My parents got me earlier as i asked for a photo frame with family pictures in. They got me a digital one and loaded recent pics of them and db2 the first and last photo ds had taken with matt, one of him that was published in the paper. Then a few of my older brother 1 with matt when he was 10 and some of me dp and ds together. DS has a big motorbike fascination due to his uncle, they have to be blue. Mum and dad got him one for christmas it has R1 one the tail end of it. DB's dream bike was an R1 parents didnt know ds's toy had that on though. Yes it is but i dont trust her at all. Played the grieving gf to my parents when she visited them, dressed completely inappropraitely. Lied to me about kissing db when seeing him in mortuary and my parents about her losing a child Always asked after my other brother and a few other things
Your DS1 and you losing it over Lews hat is understandable. Lew is gorgeous as are your boys.

Hi Abiabi, as the others have said 'welcome' and I am so so sorry for your loss of your lovely Archie. I can identify with so many things you have written. Never thought i'd ever reach for support via the net let alone find the support and comfort I have found here.

My DS2 died very suddenly from an overwhelming virus (absolutely no symptons or warning) in March this year just after his 2nd birthday. Up to that point he'd hardly ever been ill. I spent 4 months (until we got the final postmortem results) believing that he died from cot death. My DH also lost a brother to cot death over 30 years ago so we were/are extremely paranoid about the health of our surviving DS1 who was 4.5 at the time.

I have learnt that everyone grieves very differently. You and your DP will be experiencing some really raw emotions just now but accepting you will both do it differently and keep talking to each other is so important.

Gawd alone knows how tonight is going to go. I like sitting at home on New Years Eve and crying but my friend, Chelle, is dragging me to her sisters where there will be sooooooo many people. I DONT WANT TO GO!!!

Good luck Shabs xx We've been invited to a few parties but at the moment i'm feeling more like wallowing in my own house with box of tissues - will see how we all feel later then decide. Hope that little one arrives safe and soon xx

So do I - not heard from my SIL this morning and dont like keep pestering her - today is traditionally c.section and epidural day at our maternity unit everybody trys to avoid Thursdays!!! Will let everyone know as soon as I find out. Awwwww nephew is just 21 and his partner is 18 - babies???

Hi abi, I am glad you found us. I don't think I can add anything that already hasn't been said on here. But do know that I am thinking of you, your dp, your dd and Archie xxx

I'll tell you a bit about my story. I lost my firstborn son approx 2 years ago. He was born healthy but developed a virus when he was 9 month old and eventually died when he was 15 months old. I'm two years down the line and it has got easier. I still miss my son just as much, but I have slowly learnt to live with my loss. I fell pg with ds2 about a month after losing C and he has helped heal us.

Fingers crossed you hear something soon Shabs.

We're not going out tonight. I hate NY anyway as I hate being told to enjoy myself. It's great that we've got M as it's a good excuse to not go out

I've just had a major wobble

At the moment there's nowt to suggest that this baby is nothing less then perfect, but i just feel acutely aware that i might not be lucky enough to bring him home from hospital. Tell me that everyone whose lost a child already feels like this, right?

I'm finding it hard to put his clothes away and haven't even got anywhere for him to sleep just yet. I'm a bit of a mess really.

Totally, totally normal darling....dont worry it will all be good.

Grace Louise arrived at 10.55 after an 11 hour labour - she weighs 7lb 8oz and is, according to her daddy, beautiful xxx

Aw, what bloody brilliant news!!! Am so so pleased for you all - Congrats Auntie Shabbs!

abi so sorry about Archie but glad you have found us. Cannot add anything to what everyone has said.
I lost my DD this year aged 14 months. She was fine until aged 11 months she had a cold for about a week- runny nose etc- then suddenly one day went jaundiced- ended up in specialist liver PICU and she had a transplant, which failed, she had another, which went OK but she sustained severe brain damage during a procedure before the 2nd transplant, she was in pain for months but improving and then suddenly over less than a week went from being about to be discharged home to back on PICU and being 'switched off'

I found this thread shortly after she died and the support on here has kept me going this year, you may feel very confused and angry and alone and in total shock initially but the lovely ladies here help make sense of it x

shabs congratulations!

deemented I completely understand what you mean, you're due in a couple weeks right? My due date is 6 days away and I keep having these real feelings that this DC isn't going to be OK, I keep looking at all the baby stuff and thinking 'I'm going to come back from the hospital but will baby be with me' and I keep having nightmares that he will be stillborn or that I will end up back in PICU with the same staff, but with him as the patient instead of DD... I think it's probably a natural reaction if you have lost a child to, in some way, not only realise that awful things can happen but also prepare yourself just in case. At least I hope it's a normal reaction and I'm not a raving nutter

Congratulations shabs xx

Have a hug Dee xx I think Crumpette is spot on - our 'innocence' of pregnancies/children has been totally wiped out and our realities (which are beyond most peoples worst nightmares) however unusual/unlikely/rare have actually happened.

I'm having a nightmare of a day. Pretty certain we're just going to put DS1 to bed as normal and stay home and avoid the parties - As much as i've thrown myself into gatherings since march I just can't see how i can possibly do the whole 'happy new year' thing! This year I held my wee boy next year i'll never hold my wee boy. I feel like I'm sinking in really raw grief today.

ppm big hugs to you thinking of you its so bloody hard innit.
im working tonite so bringing in new year at work....but will be thinking of you all.

ppm I'm doing nothing at all this NYE, seems a bit wrong in a way to be happy another year is here as it's not a year in which L will be with me..kind of torn between hoping for a better year in 2010 and being resentful that 2009 is ending and leaving behind my little girl..

anyway, yes, all I am doing is wearing pyjamas, watching dreadful tv and eating too much [oink]

hazygirl, have a good NYE at work, if that's possible

everyone else- best wishes and hope your evenings go well

Right Im off to get ready for the party - Happy New Year my dear friends - I hope this year continues our wonderful friendships and I hope it brings us some peace and healing. I appreciate all of you so much and never forgetting Feedmenow and her beautiful girl Eris for getting us all here in the first place xxxxx

Happy hogmanay my friends

We were at the panto earlier.. it wasnt a trad panto as in boo hiss, he's behind you etc.

It was cinderella but she didnt have a god mother she had the spirit of her dead mother as her gaurdian angel.. it was very magical and very very moving. It was full of how a mothers love never gives up and it carries on when one passes to the other side

As you can imagine ..sent me over the edge. Anyway .. I went to Frasers garden, came home put his hymns on, wallowed through what little there is in his memory box.. called my dad and sniffled at him

So now its time to relax have a bottle of wine and get back on the right road tomorrow

As the old year dies and the new year beckons we all have different challenges to face..

crumpette and Dee have to face giving birth with all the exhaustion, pain and worry that this brings (you know on this thread more than any other we are praying for a safe outcome girls)

for those newly bereaved its about dealing with a lot of firsts still to come in the new year, first b/day anniversary etc

For those of us further down the line its about dealing with the milestones that our kids/grandkids are reaching and knowing that someone else should be reaching them too

For me personally its about ross going to school knowing fraser should have been there by now

whatever challenges 2010 brings you - I wish you the strength to deal with it, and I wish you some happiness too