The very special thread for bereaved mums , dads , grandparents and anyone who has felt the agonising pain of child bereavement . Whatever madness you are feeling you will find a knowing ear .

[travellingwilbury]

Welcome one and all , old and new .

We are all here in all our different stages and memories to support each other along the way .

Plenty more where they came from

Was out at a friends house yesterday pm/evening. were approx 8 families there including three of gregor's closest wee pals - was really hard to watch them wondering what he would have been doing now. did any of your friends suffer from what i call 'survivor guilt'? ie their wee ones are still here and they are struggling to cope with the fact that mine is not.

Im not sure PPM - will have a think about that today. I know that Danny had massive 'survivor guilt' after Matt was killed. He couldn't stop saying that he should have been playing out with him then he could have saved him. I think he still has times when he feels like that.

I'm sometimes rubbish at explainig stuff, It's almost more parents of gregor's wee pals and my friends thinking why was it not their family rather than us (my husband also has a chronic lifelong illness and i am also his carer so most folks think our family has had more than their fair deal of shit over the years) then feeling guilty that they think themselves into my position for a flash. still don't think that's any clearer?!!

I know exactly what you mean.

You certainly have had your fair share my love. This is going to sound pathetic but when my boys died I didn't have any very close friends just neighbours. Many people said to me 'I dont know how you cope, I couldnt live through all that.' I would get on the local bus and it could be full of people chattering and I could silence all of them just by paying my fare

I am quite sure that nobody knew what to say to me after Matt was killed - there again - what could they say?

Not pathetic at all just circumstancial - I'm sure you've got a good few good strong friends now though!

wish i'd had a pound for every time someone said 'i couldn't cope with that'!! 'if anyone can cope with that PPM can' WTF!!

Was talking to another mum whilst i was out yesterday and she said to me that if she'd learnt anything from g's death then it was that it was better to say something and risk offending someone who's lost someone than say nothing at all and risk offending them by saying nothing.

DS1's quote of this morning "I really believe in peterpan - just as much as wendy does - why does he not come to our house" Hee Hee - been watching 'return to neverland' this morning, lovely i love my boys xx

Hello

I'm sorry about my vent on here yesterday, you know when it just gets too much?! Sorry. Thanks for comments. He has said some horrible things in the past (e.g. shortly after her 1st transplant when she was doing really really well with no complications he called her a 'corpse' and said it would be a disaster if she lived because I wouldn't be able to go back to work so we couldn't cope financially) Idon't know why, she was such a lovely little girl. Total daddy's girl, she started calling him dada when she was tiny and then daddy when she was 7 months and would say it all the time if he wasn't there until I phoned him and she could hear his voice!

Anyway, I guess I hoped he didn't mean it, but ! I suppose I should have left him years ago really, I nearly did on so many occasions (lots of other rubbish, he was really quite violent a couple years ago) but it just seemed easier to stay with him.. have been drifting along for 4 years.. easier than moving out and separating finances and finding somewhere to live and all those silly things I used to be able to do on my own

Anyway, sorry, but thanks for letting me vent. It just really hurts when other people don't seem to care about L at all.

PPM your DS1 sounds so lovely !

Hey Crumpette, never feel you have to apologise for venting here - i think everyone here has/will do it at some point. We may all have our views on what you could or should do but only you know what's right for you xx my ds1 is lovely, but i am a tad biased!!! xx

Thanks PPM. Yeah it helps to have a reality check sometimes, as some things are just normal 'he irritates me because.. ' kind of stuff, but other stuff is imo totally unacceptable for him to say, anything about L and about not being upset that she died is totally the most hurtful thing he could say.

It helps to know I'm not just a hormonally challenged mad woman x thanks

Don't apologise for venting Crumpette, but please please please don't put up with this situation if it really isn't what you want.

PPM - yes I think we do have some friends who have survivors guilt. Our babies were born within a few days of eachother and we spent a lot of time together when our babies were young. However as soon as C became ill I hardly heard from her, and the same when C died. There were various other things that she done as well that made me suspect she felt guilty that she still had her daughter. Our relationship is more an acquintance than a friendship now as she handled the situation so badly.

Hi all

I am sorry not to be around the last few days .. I have to be honest buried myself in
Ross's excitment and happiness this year in the hope it wouldnt hurt as much

I couldnt get you out of my head yesterday shabster. I struggle each time Ross hits a milestone.. and as you know him and fraser are 12 months apart... your pain must be soo much worse than mine

For all those of you who struggled through your first xmas without your little ones.. just stop take a deep breath and say ok thats the worst xmas over and I survived.

I do feel guilty for not going to frasers garden on xmas day but I was there on xmas eve and I couldnt bring myself to drag
ross... recently he has been saying he doesnt want to go because either - "its too sad" or "I didnt meet Fraser mummy"[fsad}

Here comes a new year and indeed a new decade I used to think it was a chance to put your mistakes/ bad events behind you and start again

Now its another year away from my boy

sending you all hugs

FM - a beautiful post my friend....just beautiful.

I feel like I have had enough now - I want to stay at home on New Years Eve and sulk and cry. My darling friend Chellester is not allowing me to. She is one of 6 kids and they each have a minimum of 2 children each - her eldest brother has 6 kids so you can imagine how manic NYE will be!!!!!!!!!!

My Tom is very interested in her brothers eldest daughter - who is the same age and in the same form as him at school so he is excited about the party.

That soddin' Chelle has pinched my arm all night until I gave in and shouted YES I AM COMING TO THE PARTY....wish me luck my friends - I just know who the first person will be doing the snotty cry

Morning girls.

My lovely nephew just texted to say they are in the hospital and his partner is being induced today....so, hopefully by the end of the day Grace will make her appearance. Very exciting. On my side of the family she is the first girl since me!!!

We are praying for a safe outcome in snowy glasgow ...

keep us posted shabs

Awwww ta FM - they induced Becki about 3 hours ago - last up date from my nephew was about 2 hours ago to say that she is 2cm dilated - looks like we might get to see this little precious one before tomorrow - fingers crossed xxx

Hello all

Very exciting news Shabs , fingers crossed here for a safe and speedy delivery

Seems very weird that they are in the maternity unit of the hospital that is about 10 minutes walk from my house - I can actually see the building from here!!

This will make my DB and his DW first time grandparents - whoo hooo - and my amazing mum and dad will be great grandparents for the second time.

Thanks for all you good wishes ladies xxx

someone needs out help ladies

our, not out

have posted Ilike - I hope she comes and joins us. xxx

Hello;

I just started a thread about my son dying 2 weeks ago. He was only 7wks + 6 days old and its all still a bit raw.

I was advised to join you lovely ladies, so I am, before tonights wine wears off and I start crying again

Wishing you all a happier new year;

xxx

So glad you came - but as we always say 'so sorry we had to meet on this thread.'

You must be really 'shell shocked.' How truly awful. For some strange reason it seems worse at this time of year.

Keep posting or just reading on this thread it is my safe haven - a place where I can say exactly how I am feeling and not be judged.

Im many years down the line now from loosing my boys - Gareth died in 1982 and Matthew in 1992 - but there are still times when I feel like I just cant cope. I always get love and support from the special ladies on this thread.

I will be thinking about you tonight xxxx

Abiabi there is someone here most of the time so you won't be alone.

I found the early hours the worst - people always said I could call them whenever but you don't feel right calling at 3am. Wish MN had been around then!

Thinking of you and Archie-potamus

xx

hello abiabi,i m so sorry ,thinking of you and your precious sonxx

shabs hope the little love is here soonx