The very special thread for bereaved mums , dads , grandparents and anyone who has felt the agonising pain of child bereavement . Whatever madness you are feeling you will find a knowing ear .

[travellingwilbury]

Welcome one and all , old and new .

We are all here in all our different stages and memories to support each other along the way .

Big hug for you this morning Hazy, hope you get some rest today xx

My little girl died 8 years ago yesterday. She was two and a half. She was brain damaged at birth through (proven) negligence but had such a poor quality of life that in many ways it was a relief when she finally passed away. Watching her struggling with her qualify of life left me very traumatised.

I have got my life back together again, have 2 more delightful kids -but I can never forget I should be the mother of 3.

I know everyones lives move on, but 2 friends who I would not have expected to remember my baby's anniversary remembered. But no-one in my family, or even my own husband ever remembers and it kinda gets me down.

Miss you Holly xxxx

Thanks for 'listening'. I just needed to let this out somewhere.

Violet - welcome to a wonderful haven. As we always say, so sorry we have to meet like this but glad you found us.

Im so very sorry for your loss. Holly sounds like she had a massive struggle - she must have been a real fighter. I know what you mean about relief that they aren't suffering anymore. My Dtwin2 - Gareth - was born with multiple heart problems and although sometimes he was quite well I felt that relief that nobody would prod and poke him any more.

Hang around - Im sure some of the other ladies will be along later on. xxxxxx

....forgot to say that you will always be a Mummy of 3 just that sadly Holly is not physically here anymore. xxxx

hello violet,your daughter sounds a brave little fighter and welcome here

Hello Violet

Thank you for coming and telling us about Holly. She sounds like a very brave girl who had a lot to cope with.

My MIL adored my son but she doesn't remember the date of his death. It does upset me, but she chooses not to remember it, she prefers just to remember his birthday. Maybe that's the same as your friends and family? But it doesn't stop you from feeling alone though does it? It's such a big and integral part of you and your being, so if people don't remember it's very easy to take it personally. Well, that's how I feel about it.

Stick around love and make yourself company. You can tell us as much or as little as you like.

Morning girls xx

morning everyone xx

morning girlsx

Hello everyone x

Hi Violet and welcome to our warm, friendly (sometimes crazy - well i think i am!) corner of mumsnet. So sorry to hear about your daughter Holly.

9 months ago today my second son Gregor died very suddenly just 11 days after his 2nd birthday from an overwhelming virus. I'm not in great form at the moment. totally struggling with christmas and anyone/thing festive! I have a surviving son who's 5 and totally full of christmas.

How's everyone else doing today?

Ross will be 5 in April so similiar state of excitement as your littleboy ppm

I am still looking at Frasers xmas tree and thinking I need to take it to his garden .. I need to find some brave pills tomorrow

Hi violet welcome along .. my little boy was stillborn almost 6 years ago so didnt have to watch him struggle the way you had to with your daughter.. that must have been so hard

No-one every mentions Fraser to me..I often compare him to an elephant in the middle of the room... its right there where no-one can miss it but nobody wants to mention it .

We have a list of all our remember days and birthdays on the first page of this thread.. feel free to paste it into a new post and add holly.. we will all light a candle in Holly's honour on the respective dates. You are so right you are mummy of 3 ...

Morning girls xx

Good morning x How we all doing ? We seem to all be struggling with christmas in some way .My two are really excited so thankfully that is rubbing off on to me . I know I will have a t least one day over the festivities when I will be a pain in the arse though .

Morning TW - I think that the run up to Christmas is much worse than the actual day. Its all the hype on tv - all the 'perfect' families on the adverts etc etc. Lewis keeps pointing to cards with Father Christmas on and saying 'O, O, O!!' (Ho Ho Ho) every time he does it he looks soooooo like Uncle Gareth that I get a massive lump in my throat.

Then I have to have a word with myself. He is 18 months old FGS - he will be excited. BUT it is so difficult.

I have decided that the day will come and go wether I am a miserable git or not...and for the sake of my children (and yes Danny is still mentally a little lad ) I really, really have to get a grip.

Having said that I am having to get my Elanore Rigby face out of the jar at least twice a day

Well done Shabs . That is how I feel about my boys , they have every right to be excited about christmas and they deserve just as good a christmas as Harry would have done .

I am hoping that if I pretend for long enough then I will actually have a good time .

Worth a try

Oh yes Im a great fan of pretending for long enough - it does work. I keep 'seeing' Matt around my house and my friends house. Just a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye. It used to petrify me but now I love it. I could only have said those last lines on this thread - I would have been carted out by the men in white coats anywhere else!

I asked Tom did he think I was a bit physcic and he looked at me like this and said well maybe 'physciatric' Mum!! Cheeky sod!!

Good old Tom

I must admit that I have had that before too . And it is a lovely warm feeling , so if you are being carted off I will join you .

I think a few days in a padded cell would be a pretty good holiday actually . Someone else can worry about the cooking , cleaning , etc etc etc

Morning all.

I totally believe you when you say you saw Matt. It's not quite the same, but I see our old family cat every now and then, I even trip over him on the stairs. That sounds very odd doesn't it?

Not to me love!!! When we first moved into this house about 18 months ago, I was stood at the sink washing up, in a world of my own. I glanced up at the window and Matt was stood on the stairs behind me. He was leaning over the bannister with his big cheesey grin. I knew that if I looked around the image would dissapear but I couldn't resist. He stayed for a few seconds but was gone when I turned around.

morning all YAWWWWWWWWN!!!!!!!!!

Nativity day today!!! Generally apprehension associated with any day/event is definitely worse than the day itself... Sneaked into the hall yesterday when they were doing the dress rehearsal and they all looked amazing and it's totally settled my nerves. There will definitely be tears!!

Did someone say they were selling tickets for a nice wee trip to a padded cell... count me in!

Loving Tom's comments .

I keep getting a snapshot of how much Gregor would have enjoyed christmas this year. When we unpacked the christmas tree we found the ceramic bauble he painted at nursery last year. I remember thinking at the time 'what a waste of money, he's not even 2 yet, there's plenty years ahead to do stuff like that' It's probably just as well we don't know what's ahead of us.

PPM your last message made me If there are any brave tablets spare can you chuck a couple my way please?

I cried big snotty tears listening to some schoolchildren on GMTV singing this morning - so Gawd help us at our house! xxx

Dont know if anyone remembers but a while ago I had a massive tub of forget me nots in my back yard. When we moved we couldn't move the tub - we couldn't physically lift it. I just went out to the shop and when I came home there are forget me nots growing in every single tub and planter in my front garden???????? They are massive as well. I know I haven't planted them in those tubs - It made me think of all our precious children and, in my opinion, has furthered my kick up the arse bum that I needed.

morning girls

I have unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it, we are both dressed and breakfasted, there is a load in the washing machine and the tumble drier... smug emoticon

I do believe all of you when you say you see your loved ones...its lovely . Though I have to say tripping over the cat made me laugh

ppm bet that bauble gets pride of place on the tree

right milkshake is coming to an end so am of to do christmas crafts... I'll be back later covered in glue, glitter and funky foam

can you believe tesco.com delivered my shopping last night but they had no mulled wine - I mean it's supposed to be christmas - how the hell can they run out of mulled wine at christmastime?!! Just have to keep drinking the plain old red wine heh!

Am liking the forgetmenots shabs x

Off to try and do some of the jobs i've been putting off for the last couple weeks!! Kitchen Beware!! here i come!

Thank you so much for your comforting words ladies - I generally cope pretty well the rest of the year (as long as I stay on the happy pills)but I really do struggle with Christmas.

For PeterpansMum (and all others how have lost a little un)I am so sorry to hear about your little boy. The only words of wisdom I can give you is to take 1 day at a time and get some counselling if you think it will help you. I'm not sure how much it helped as such (I had/have PTSD) but just talking about Holly to the extent I wanted to without feeling quilty about making others feel awkward or boring them, was a huge relief to me. Holly's death for me, was inevitable, I can not begin to imagine the shock and deep sadness you must be feeling from an unexpected trauma.

You can never get over something like this so don't try ...(imo) but you do learn to live with what's happened in time.

If I can pass on one pearl of wisdom - keep talking to your husband/partner. The advice I was given is that you have to give each other the time and space to grieve how and when you both want. It was good advice - however for us a gap grew that we have been unable to breach. So this Christmas I also have a divorce to look forward to. But it isn't just the bereavement that's caused it, but obviously it put a huge amount of pressure on us and the cracks just grew into crevices! So just keep lines of communication open. Don't be strangers like we became.

Sorry I sound very melancholy - its just this time of year... if you ever need help or words of wisdom, I'm pretty normal the rest of the year!

love to you all x

I was just reading some of your comments and I too 'saw' Holly in a photo a few months after her death at home. I'd just given birth to my youngest ds2 and there was a photo of him on the mantlepiece. I looked up and the face in the photo was Hollys. I kept blinking thinking "they do look alike" but no-one else particularly see's the similarity but on that day, I'd swear she was in the picture.

Better lay out another of those 'fasionable' jackets and cart me off....!!!