The very special thread for bereaved mums , dads , grandparents and anyone who has felt the agonising pain of child bereavement . Whatever madness you are feeling you will find a knowing ear .

[travellingwilbury]

Welcome one and all , old and new .

We are all here in all our different stages and memories to support each other along the way .

No worries at all FM....flippant is what I needed yesterday - I was a miserable old git bag!!!

oh shite our PC has died luckily Dan is bringing us a tower tomorrow....Chellester is letting me use hers....normal service will be resumed asap xxx

that sucks shabs. hope everyone is ok.
I'm finding things really tough atm think it might be beacuse everything is done for matt now. Just got to register the death when we are able to and the trial and inquest.

Hello all

Hope you're all hanging in there... eugh, sounds silly typing that doesn't it

Have been awol for a bit, again, busy at work and stuff. Now 35 wks pregnant which is surreal. having rubbish day, went to L's grave today to take some new flowers. (she was buried).. anyway, it's been raining loads here..

and the ground had completely sunk down? Like by about a foot.. It really shocked me. Made me so upset to see it like that.

DP has said that happens with 'new' graves (she was buried in May I guess), but stupid me googled it and read loads of things about coffins caving in from weight of earth and rain and got so upset thinking of my little girl in the cold wet mud

Sorry for the moan. Otherwise, I suppose I'm OK. Midwife said to me' ooh next christmas will be very different for you you'll have a baby', as if I didn't have an 11 month old last christmas, as if she never existed..also I guess lots of comments at work have been forthcoming recently, things like 'oh shame you're not having a girl' (er, I HAD one), 'once the baby's here it's here to stay, you're stuck with it for life, mine pester me all the time and they're in the twenties' (I wish I was stuck with DD for life) and lots of qu's about 'how many children are you going to have? just one? 2?' I have started erasing DD from my responses to avoid upsetting my colleagues (who all knew when it happened as there was an announcement but who all seem to have forgotten). I am honestly dreading having another baby and having strangers asking if he is my first or saying other well-meaning things. Argh!!!!!!!!!

OK vent over sorry x

vent part 2

for anyone who has had another baby since losing their child, did you use your child's stuff for the new baby? I know that sounds mad, but L's pushchair still has bits of rusk at the bottom and toys attached, a half chewed book and a milk splash. I feel like I'm erasing her if I use it. Is that mad? I guess some things will be used like the cot, but others are so personalised, is it wrong to get a new one for the new baby and keep the other one as 'her's'? DP of course says we don't need new stuff.. I just find it so difficult to imagine another person in her place, or with her things...

Hi Crumpette. 35 weeks already - wow.

I think people say crashingly insensitive things not because they mean to cause offense but because it's as if they don't know what the right thing to say is so they end up panicing and saying something really quite inappropriate. Does this make sense?

We did use some of C's stuff for M. We used the big things like the cot and pram etc and we used some of his newborn clothes and toys and books. But I couldn't use the clothes C was wearing during the times he was ill. That was just too much for me.

I think it is really very different for everyone though. Do what feels right for YOU.

I took it slowly and things changed for me. C had a favourite toy that we have in our bed and I swore it was C's and it wasn't for M to touch. However it now feels right that M plays with it, however it stays in our bed.

Hi all,

Hi Crumpette. I have had all the sighs and concerned looks because i am having another boy. As if having a girl would make it all better! I wouldve liked a girl because I do miss having one around and I wanted to buy lovely frocks and pink buggies but thats it. Nothing deep and meaningful.

I had my girl. MY GIRL. I wonder how hard it would be to have a little girl who looked just like Billie but wasnt Bille IYSWIM. My children look alike and its perfectly probable that a new baby girl would be the spit of her. How strange would that be?

My DS3 is very much like her and it makes me catch my breath as it is.

I have the 'is this your first?' comment a lot. I say no 5th and people are understandbly interested but then go on to ask about the others and what sex, age etc they are. So because I cannot bear to leave Billie out, I end up disclosing more than I really want to.

Nothing is simple anyomore is it?

I am 21 weeks now. I cant believe it.

Love to everyone and sorry I havent been on for a while.

crumpette, I really wouldnt change your answers for fear of upsetting your colleagues.

Lucie will always be part of your family and of course losing her has changed you - how could it not.... and you shouldnt have to hide either fact.

Of course their will be times when , like the rest of us, you dont want to face the comments or questions but this should be for your sake not others.

Frasers stuff was all unused so for us putting it into use was part of the healing process .. you are in completely different circumstances and I dont know what I would do... sorry

Yeah the caving in thing is horrid isnt it.. its not the coffin caving in that would only make a small dent. Its the ground getting really wet and drying out or the other way round cant remember which
Dont worry the cemetary will fix it very soon, they will build it back up and replace the turf. I know Fraser was laid on a bed of straw.. so he wont get cold and wet... I would think Lucie would be the same

Oh Crumpette I am so sorry. I really think people have this crazy idea that if they don't mention your loss then they can stop you hurting. If only they could.

I wouldn't change your answers for your colleagues - be honest and say what you want when you want. The last thing you need to be concerned with is upsetting other people - strange how we all are though.

Shabs I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

Morning all.

Sorry for not being around much. This whole pregnancy malarkys a bit tough at the mo. Thinking of you all though x

Good morning all .

Crumpette , I did use a lot of Harrys things for my next boys but some things were just too hard to use . I think I was about 7 months pregnant when I went through everything and decided what I could bear to use . I did put a big box of Harrys special toys up in the loft as I knew I just would not be able to watch someone else playing with them . I also did this with the clothes as well . The pram and cot didn't really bother me so much but that is just my personal thing .

I am so sorry the people you work with are such idiots . Any chance you can start maternity leave earlier than planned ? You don't need the hassle .

Dee we are here when you are ready xx

I am still rubbish at answering the "how many children" question . I do think that most of the mums at the school gates don't know about Harry . They just assume I have only got the two as that is all they have seen . But they are not close enough to me for me to be having that conversation . I had to do it once a couple of years ago to one of the mums and it was awful . She started crying and I had to keep it together . Not quite the way round it should be but that is what seems to happen .

hi girls..its St Andrew's day.. not that it means anything .. just a bit of trivia for you

how are you holding up this week TW and Hazy.. I am thinking of you both as we ru8sh headlong back into Dec

TW you seem ok .. but then I am not sure if you are just putting a brave face on it

Where is lottie these days???

hello

Thank you all so much for your replies, sorry was having a day on Saturday, think it was the sinking grave which really threw me

I think I am going to put her buggy in a cupboard for a while and maybe use it when this baby is older, I just can't bear to clean it and remove her stuff from it. She had a special little bunny toy that was always with her, I felt really guilty for taking it after she died as she was so attached to it, but I always keep it with me. I think I would freak if baby2 touched it, but maybe in time it won't be such a wrong thought. The cot will be used anyway, and lots of her clothes are a. girly so can't be used and b. still in the same storage boxes they were in when she was in hospital, I kind of want to keep them out and visible though so she's still around... I think, although I was so upset that this baby is a boy, it's a good thing really as it may be too soon to have another girl and I'd be disappointed if she didn't match up to L..

Hmmm hmm sorry am rambling!!

chegirl 21 weeks already? wow hope you're doing OK. deemented saw pregnancy thread, hope you are OK.

fm, thank you for saying she will always be part of my family. It's interesting that you don't think I should censor my replies to colleagues etc. I suppose I don't want to upset them, it's not the right way around though is it as I then end up upsetting myself as I have effectively eradicated L by not talking about her. Anyway will stop typing nonsense, thank you everyone for understanding

--- when did this appear on mn!?

Hi fm , I am doing bizarrely ok at the min , not sure why , I think I have just been so busy lately that I keep putting off thinking about things . I am sure it will come and bite me on the arse this week . I think I just need some Harry time , I am not sleeping very well at the min which is not helping either .

I don't know why Lottie isn't around , I see her on FB but haven't seen her here for ages .

How are you doing ?

FM, sorry x-posted, I didn't know today was st andrews day!

TW, hugs to you, I can imagine that the run-up to Harry's remember day must be really hard. Be kind to yourself

I'm dreading January just because it was 13th January that L was admitted to hospital, can't believe it's nearly a year, nor can I believe that I honestly thought she'd be OK. I think time has warped a bit, very strange.

Anyway gosh I'm still rambling, better get back to work..

PS thank you again, I wish we weren't all in the same boat but I honestly don't know what I would have done this year without the support of this thread

Idunno what I would do without this thread either

its a lovely place to come and just say whats in your head ..and even when it sounds really stupid to myself there is always someone who says.. oh yeah I have done/felt that

Saved my sanity many a time

Happy St Andrews Day FM. Do the Scots celebrate it at all?

Did Lottie say she onlyu had internet on her phone and it's hard to use MN on the phone? Don't quote me on that though.

Nice to see you Dee, sorry things are tough at the mo. Anything we can help you with, just ask.

Where is Shabs?

Oh, forgot to say there is a new pic of M on my profile if you fancy a nosey!

Good evening girls!

Have only just sorted out the PC - our old one is literally being chucked out of the back door - Dan had bought a new tower for Tom for Christmas because he thought this one was giving up the ghost. I have missed all of you so much. xxxxx

Good morning all

Ilike what a lovely pic , very smily

Welcome back Shabs , you were missed x

Hope everyone is doing ok this morning .

Morning girls. Hope everyone is ok. xx

Morning folks..

Help me out with this one, please?

I know what is said on here stays here, so i don't need to worry about you spilling, right?

So, as most of you know, this baby is a boy. It's taken me a while to get my head around that to be honest. I'm struggling with the what to say to people though... If people ask, i usually say i have two boys but ones no longer with us, and a girl. How do i do it when this ones born? I already have my two boys if that makes sense? Do i have to explain every time to people, even ones i don't know all that well? And things like on here, when people talk about DS1 and DS2... in my mind Boyo will always be DS2... so if i talk about DS2 and DS3, will i get questions about DS1?

I'm overthiking this, aren't i?

I think on here I find it a lot easier to mention Harry than I ever do in rl . I don't need to see "that" look in their eyes .

In rl , it always depends on my mood on the day and who I am talking to . If I think they are going to be a part of my life rather than just passing through then I do try and tell them but I don't always manage it . Tbh it is one of the hardest things for me , I am sure that a lot of the mums at the school gates have no idea about Harry and that does sometimes make me feel guilty but then a few mums do know (I found out by accident) and they have never mentioned him to me .

I know I am not really answering this very well but I guess for me as much as I have the odd blip of guilt for not telling everyone about my gorgeous boy , I just figure that actually as long as me and my friends and family still talk about him and keep him as part of my family then it doesn't matter about everyone else .

You may well be over thinking it but we all have . I drove myself mad when I was pregnant with Jamie and people would ask if he was my first . I hated not telling everyone I met about Harry but mostly I didn't bother as it was just too hard to keep saying it out loud .

Lots of love to you , I know how hard it is too keep making that decision on a day to day basis .

Dee I agree with TW it always depends on 'the moment', 'the kind of day Im having' 'the person Im talking to' etc etc

I say now that I have had four sons...if they probe further I just rhyme off their ages and then make a hasty retreat xx

I think you should say - when baby arrives and people are 'cooing' and being nosey - 'This little fella is my fourth child.' BUT, as I said, it depends on that particular minute of that particular day when you are asked.

You're not overthinking it my love - its one of those 'cant get this out of my head' moments. xxxxxxxx