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Original poster

My ickle big brother. [sad]

301 replies

shelleylou · 19/10/2009 13:25

My brother was killed early hours of this morning. Dont know too many details as an investigation has been opened only that he would have died almost instantly and he's unmarked.
I feel so guilty i wasnt there for him when he needed me (always been like that with each other)I woke up with a start about that time and knew this morning that something was very wrong. Im going to mortuary later to see him, im dreading it as its going to make it seam more real but i have to do it for him id never forgive myself if i didnt. Atm it doesnt seam real its all just abad dream. RIP bro love you loads

OP posts:
Original poster
shelleylou · 25/10/2009 01:25

thanks i appreciate you checking. that was just the cake really lol

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alwayslookingforanswers · 25/10/2009 01:26

no it wasn't just the cake - you helped get the table set up with all the food and organised everyone in their to get it sorted as well!!!

Right off to bed - as it really is 1.20 now.

Hope you manage to get some sleep.

Original poster
shelleylou · 25/10/2009 01:30

i tried to, dont think i was that succesful, that aside prayers for strength for myself and family would be appreciated.
sleep well

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Original poster
shelleylou · 25/10/2009 14:07

Been to see my brother again today, hes more peaceful than he has been. I didnt want to leave him. I feel much more at ease when im with him. Im sure he moved his fingers a little bit just to say hes still here when i was talking to him. Shown't my parents the bike and took it with me to show matt. He was smiling at that and when i said in 1 of the christening phots its him that has ds's attention not whos holding him. He's being sent of with his dream bike.

My parents have put some photos in the book ready for tonight from what they were saying it sounds like theres a few of ds with db in there. Most of the recent ones of him are with ds. Just shows me how much he thought of his nephew. The phots are enlarged ready to go up in the venue so its just setting it up later. Dont think im going to be able to do much of that. Getting a shower when DP gets back so i can sort my hair out, feel like i should look like me when i go out doesnt feel right wearing colour tonight or black as its memorial not a wake. Takind ds to friends for tea and hes there overnight. Means i can choose the flowers easier and see my brother again in the morning as thats my last chance to until tuesday evening.

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Original poster
shelleylou · 25/10/2009 14:08

Parent were going to leave the book for me to do but i thought them having input in it would be nice

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alwayslookingforanswers · 25/10/2009 22:53

Hope this evening went ok shell

Original poster
shelleylou · 26/10/2009 09:13

Got quite a fe memories in the book. Some people have said theyve got photos of matt from a few years ago so going to get them copied for us. Acouple of watches (liverpool and machester united) and a 1.5l bottle of vodka was raffled off. DP won th liverpool one and his cousin the man u one. So thy swapped to give my dad it. It was a nice night. Some people have no respect for the deceased and watch their mouth.
I got the DJ to tell everyone to get a JD and coke, i said a few words and raised a toast. My little bro started to say something but he couldnt finish it. Then got DJ to put on a song we used to mess about to years ago. I was only listening to it the other day. I think we would have done DB proud.

Got to get a sorted soon so i can get his flowers sorted and hopefully got see him again.

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Original poster
shelleylou · 26/10/2009 09:14

sould be and need to watch their mouth

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alwayslookingforanswers · 26/10/2009 09:16

glad it went ok (apart from those that need to watch their mouths).

Was talking about you last night (were your ears burning?) that song that you and your twatty ex used to like was on and I remembered and told DH.

Original poster
shelleylou · 26/10/2009 14:47

ye but they are a lot atm.

What song was that and what twatty ex???

Sperm donor text me earlier apologising for not being in touch but hes had a lot of problems which he wont go into so i dont think its an excuse, how am i and ds. Told him i had problesm too and said DB had died, shut him up pretty quick

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alwayslookingforanswers · 26/10/2009 14:53

Sperm donor is the one I'm on about - can't remember the name of the song - but you had it playing in the car when he brought me home in the car that time

Original poster
shelleylou · 26/10/2009 14:57

i cant remember what that was lol.

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alwayslookingforanswers · 26/10/2009 15:01

ooooo this is going to bug me now until DH gets home and I ask him what the song was - I can hear the tune in my head bu can't remember any of the words

Original poster
shelleylou · 26/10/2009 19:26

Could have been Jack Johnson or Paulo Nutini.
You'll have to let me know if you remember.

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Original poster
shelleylou · 27/10/2009 09:18

Cant believe i can only see db for 2 more days Still got to work out what im goin to say at his funeral. Got to poems i like and cant decide between them. Neither are to my brother type ones so still got to think of what to say about him. I'm not sure im going to be able to do at as i couldnt say much out loud to people at his memorial when i had the microphone.
Hopefully my parents managed to get ds a shirt last night from tesco cant get any in his age from town. Need to go up town and get his some smart trainers or shoes to wear with his suit.

Not sure what to expect when i see db tonight. Im dreading it as he's not going to look like hes sleeping anymore like he did in the mortuary. Will have to except he isnt coming back as he'll be in his coffin. My gorgeous lil bro

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shabbapinkfrog · 27/10/2009 10:41

Oh my darling - wish I could help. Why dont you write down your thoughts about your brother, memories from your childhood and read them out? xxx

Original poster
shelleylou · 27/10/2009 10:52

Think Gaz and I are going to tell everyone about our brother. No one can do that really apart from us even though we have other siblings they dont know Matt like we did. Keep remembering when he used to always steal my bike whenever i went into the house. How he was with ds as a newborn when he wouldnt settle. So much i want to say but cant find the words.

Arg someones just got funny cos i didnt tell them when the funeral was. Sure ive put it as my FB status dont feel like ive had time to sit down or anything. It doesnt seam like 8 days since he left us

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shabbapinkfrog · 27/10/2009 10:56

You can never please everybody all the time love - funerals always bring up 'daft' stuff like 'Why didn't you invite me?????' 'Why didn't you tell me the date???' Dont give that another moments thought.

I think that sounds a wonderful idea for you and Gaz to talk about your Matt (I love writing those names down btw) Why not write it down and then if your mind goes blank you can refer to what you have written?

Take care xx

alwayslookingforanswers · 27/10/2009 11:01

aww shell.

How can they be asking when he funeral is? They only needed to pick up the paper the other day to see it (or look online).

Hope you manage to find a poem.

(still can't rememeber the song - I'm sure it had something along the lines of "your picture on the wall" in it - and quite bouncy, but DH can't remember who/what it was either).

Original poster
shelleylou · 27/10/2009 11:14

They live in leicester did tell them id let them know. Only had the dat confirmed for a little while as we didnt know if we would get the coroners report in time.

Think i may have to check with my parents about one of the poems. I think it suits Matt but might be a bit too raw iykwim.

I wrote to Matts idol the other day to see if he would sign a pic for him. He met him once and he sat on Matts bike. Got an email back saying a signed photo was in the post. It came yesterday my parents didnt know about but knew something was up when i aksed for some of his ID as i wasnt in when it came. We are all so touched that he did this. Was quite personal too something along the lines of Matt gone too soon us bikers will remember you. Gaz and I opened the envelope, Gaz, my parents then I saw it last. Couldnt get over my parents faces when they saw it. I know Matts smiling hes having a copy of it in his coffin, we're framing the original and a copy is going in the memory book im doing.

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Original poster
shelleylou · 27/10/2009 15:47

Phew i dont need to feel bad for forgetting to tell them the date of funeral. Theyve sorted it with work so they can come.

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alwayslookingforanswers · 27/10/2009 15:49

fabulous about the photo .

Original poster
shelleylou · 27/10/2009 15:51

it is. was really nice..
sorry i need to scream. arggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
FUCKING SHITFACED TWAT!!!!!!!!

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BudaBones · 27/10/2009 19:20

Oh shellylou. I have just seen this as i was away last week. I am so so sorry for your loss. You poor love.

alwayslookingforanswers · 27/10/2009 20:40
  • just seen one of the comments on your FB status about the funeral .

I'm going to take a wild guess that one of those comments is not one that you find particularly helpful.

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