My ickle big brother. [sad]

[shelleylou]

My brother was killed early hours of this morning. Dont know too many details as an investigation has been opened only that he would have died almost instantly and he's unmarked.
I feel so guilty i wasnt there for him when he needed me (always been like that with each other)I woke up with a start about that time and knew this morning that something was very wrong. Im going to mortuary later to see him, im dreading it as its going to make it seam more real but i have to do it for him id never forgive myself if i didnt. Atm it doesnt seam real its all just abad dream. RIP bro love you loads

Shelleylou, not much I can say except I've been been thinking of you these last few days and I know you're in the toughest of places. I posted before about my brother also dying in an accident, long years ago, so I know how it is. Can't pretend that tomorrow will be easy, but hope very much that you realise your brother would be proud of you for standing up there and speaking from the heart.

Shabbapinkfrog - have read some of your posts on other threads and think you must be an amazing person.

Thanks for your thoughts princess (my parents used to call me that as a child ) Ye i remember your post. Im not sure what im dreading more seeing him tonight for the last time or tomorrow. Both seam equally as bad.
I know he would be proud thats why i want to do it. Going to ask him otnight to give me the strength to get through it.

Shelleylou, say soft farewells to your brother tonight, speak up for him tomorrow, and remember that you can and will carry on talking to him for the rest of your life; he will always be with you.

Look after your mother; we have lost brothers, but she has lost her child (sorry; I know you know this already).

But also look after yourself - don't be afraid of tears, or rage, or however you feel.

Have a big hug with DS - he is life continuing, and I am sure your brother, like you, loves every breath your son takes.

And hold your other brother's hand, or your partner's hand, or your best friend's. Just squeeze that hand, and know that you are not alone.

I'm sorry Shell - I said I'd probably be able to come over to see you one morning, without the boys, to give you some company, I can't do that for a while due to Child Protection.

I shall hold my brothers had again tonight. Im not ready to let go of that yet. Im trying to look after both my parents and my brother aswell as myself.

Its ok always. Hope that get sorts out soon.

thank you Princess....just putting one foot in front of the other to be honest...been walking down this crappy road of bereavement for many years. It does change and soften as the years go by and then, every now and then, it jumps up from nowhere and bites your bum xxx

Sorry, Shelleylou, I didn't mean my reference to your Mum to upset/annoy you in any way.

I can imagine you are looking after all your family, as you sound like a strong person.

Please look after yourself as well.

Thinking about you and sending lots of support.

Shelleylou, been following your thread and am so sorry for your loss. Its so easy to see how much you love your DB, it comes out in all your posts.

Just wanted to say that I really hope tomorrow goes as well as it can for you. I am sure your DB will be proud and give you the strength you need.

Look after yourself.

Shabba - I have to agree, everytime I read a post from you I think about how amazing you sound to offer so much support to people whilst having so much of your own sadness.

yopu didnt offend me princess at all. Just been very hard today as you can imagine.
Im going to go to the funeral directors tomorrow morning as soon as they open, my parents want to tell DB about his bike and i want to give him the buttonhole he'd wear to my wedding. My mum mentioned it earlier to me but before now i couldnt admit to anyone that i wanted him to have it. TBH i felt a bit daft.

Im hoping he gives me the strength i need. I know db is ready to go but theres something he's trying to tell me. Been getting pains again tonight which i thought was my db trying to tell me something. Although from new information it doesnt sound right. My mums been told by him to look after me and keep an eye on me. Mum thinks i could be pg and that it would be a boy and has told me to test again in a few weeks. Its strange the past few days ive had 1 name specifically entering my mind for a son, my db's name not certain as a first or middle name but my granddads names have been entering my thoughts too. I know this may sound a bit odd to some people

oooo sorry I know this inappropriate (and I actually clicked on the thread to say I'll be thinking of you tomorrow) - but the one thing that jumped out at me is the word "pg".....you said a few weeks ago you were feeling odd didn't you??????

i did always, i had a BFN, mum thinks if i am my conception date would be the date of my brothers death. I am inclined to believe her as she had DS pegged as a boy for ages before i found out. Thats why mums told me to test again in a few weeks. DP doesnt know that part though dont see the point in raising his hopes. Just seams so odd as i had a BFN a while before i had a BFP with ds. I would feel so guilty though cos of me drinking the amount i have done in the past week and a half

if you are - don't worry about the alcohol - you sure as hell wouldn't be the first to drink loads around conception until finding out, and you certainly wouldn't be the last

thats what my parents said and that matt wouldnt mind. Its put me really at peace him telling mum to look out for me i need watching. Its what hes always done. Made me even more determined to do right by him tomorrow. Found out the rider has been charged. Mums going to give me the liason officers number to so i can speak to him

Thinking about you today as I have been all week xxxx

Thanks shabs. Just trying to get ready so i can see him one last time and give him his buttonhole

Thinking especially of you and your family today Shelley - You'll surprise yourself how you're able to find the strength to get through the day. xx

Shelleylou, peterpansmum took the words out of my mouth. xx

Thinking of you and all your family Shellylou, it is a hard thing to face and lots of people are thinking of you.

Shelly - hope today goes as well as it can for you all. Thinking of you.

On our MN thread for bereaved mummies we always light a candle in remembrance of each others childrens birthdays and remember days (anniversary). I am lighting a candle for your Matt now. Its the only way I can show my feelings for your loss. xxxx

Shell - been thinking of you today, hope things went as well as can be expected.

I am so sorry shellylou.

I know I haven't posted my condolences yet, but you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers today shelleylou.

i did the eulogy. Matt was standing at my side with his hand on my. Im completely distraught going out with some of his mates tonight to celebrate Matt. I needa damn gd drink. Willl fill in properly tomorrow thanks for you thoughts

Service was really nice. Hymns my parents chose were fitting. Tried keeping myself calm on way in by singing the song that we went into. Got quite a few comments on my eulogy. Poem went down well too cos its so Matt/ I went behind the curtains after they had closed funeral director tried calming me down and led me out Ikissed his coffin as i couldnt him then. Lots of people commented on the coffin its gorgous. Have no ida when we will get his ashes.