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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Gareth and Matthews thread for bereaved Mummies - the special thread where the light bulb at the end of the tunnel is always lit xx

1000 replies

shabbapinkfrog · 30/08/2009 10:41

So pleased that we are all here helping each other walk the 'crappy' path xxxx

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shabbapinkfrog · 02/10/2009 00:46

Im a very positive person Northern - a proper cockeyed optimist - just sometimes I get on my own nerves Night girls xx

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shabbapinkfrog · 02/10/2009 06:59

Morning girls xx

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ILikeToQuickstepItTangoIt · 02/10/2009 07:01

Dee - hope you're ok today. Yesterday must have been a shocker (understatement) for you what with Ciaran's anniv and poor Dizzy losing her girls.

Everlong - it's lovely to see you. I remember the spending money like it's water phase, it does calm down eventually. Wishing you strength for the inquest next week. You know where we are if you need to talk xxx

travellingwilbury · 02/10/2009 07:40

Morning all , Poor Dizzy , what a shock I really thought those babies were going to be ok .

Dee , how you doing ? what a shitty few days for you and on top of it all you have had an ann . You be kind to yourself too xx

Everloing it is lovely to see you xx I didn't really do the spending money thing but I certainly did the drinking vodka like it was water thing .

Deemented · 02/10/2009 08:15

Hi all,

To be honest i'm just numb... and angry.. so bloody angry. Why did this have to happen to her and those girls? What did she do to deserve this... what did any of us do?

Irrational as it sounds, i want to scream and stamp my foot at the unjustness of it all.

Have been talking to dizzy, mainly last night... and jesus.. she's broken, poor love.

shabbapinkfrog · 02/10/2009 08:34

Cant get her out of my mind to be honest.

Facebook is being an arse and I cant get on because of site maintenance - not being ignorant - its driving me mad!!!

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travellingwilbury · 02/10/2009 09:56

Broken is such a good way of putting it Dee , please let her know we are all thinking of her , just wish there was more we could do xx

shabbapinkfrog · 02/10/2009 10:25

The one day I REALLY NEED TO GET ONTO FACEBOOK and I cant its driving me doolally!!

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travellingwilbury · 02/10/2009 10:26

Oh Shabs

shabbapinkfrog · 02/10/2009 10:43

Its back on - haven't been able to get into it for about 12 hours - dont half get me knickers in a twist when stuff like that happens!

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travellingwilbury · 02/10/2009 10:44

I don't blame you especially today xxx

I just keep thinking of her and those lovely babies . That raw horrible pain she will be going through today . I wouldn't wish it on anybody .

shabbapinkfrog · 02/10/2009 11:00

me neither love xxx

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Olissa · 02/10/2009 11:25

I didn't see the news last night about Dizzy - I too am very sad and very angry with the universe.
Sending love to Dizzy, her DS and her two beautiful girls. So very, very unfair.

chegirl · 02/10/2009 11:45

Hello all,

There are lots of things I want to say to you all, I have been reading your posts and I know that there is so much going on for you all.

I dont really have the words at the moment. But I am thinking about all of you and wishing you strength.

I didnt know Dizzy so feel a bit silly but I was really really sad to hear of her awful news. It made me cry and I never do that. I felt so desperate for her and wish so much that she didnt have to feel the pain we all know so well. Poor mummy and poor darling girls.

Shabs, you are doing all you can x

I am away for a few days with work and am dreading it. I dont do seperation from the family very well these days. Its all part of being back in the real world I suppose.

We see you all when I get back.

travellingwilbury · 02/10/2009 12:06

che , big hugs to you xxx

I know what you mean about not having the words sometimes , I can talk shite till it is coming out of my ears but sometimes I am stumped for anything to say at all .

I hope your days away go ok , I am much better at that nowadays , I used to really struggle being separated at all but now I love it in small doses .

shabbapinkfrog · 03/10/2009 08:05

Good morning girls xxxx

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tinkerbellesmuse · 03/10/2009 09:40

Morning all

Dee look after yourself, you've got a lot going on.

Can I ask those of you who lost babies something really personal?

When did you start to think about having another baby, if ever? Please don't feel you have to answer but it's something I am struggling with. Since I lost Felix I feel so desperate for another baby. Someone to fill the gapping hole in my life. In my family. Then I feel guilty for wanting someone else and not him, but of course I do want him but I can't have him. I am focussing on the idea of another baby and not on lossing him. This is bad right? But I want to have hope. I want to forget. I want the pain to go away.

Am I wrong? I feel crazy - it's so soon but I want everything to be different. What do I do?

shabbapinkfrog · 03/10/2009 10:05

I dont think you are bad for wanting another baby - I see that as a yearning and longing, and also, if Im being honest with you, I see it as a tribute to your strength that you are walking the 'crappy path'. You are getting through each day, somehow, like the rest of us

I had Matt almost 2 years after Gareth died and then Tom (my biggest suprise yet!) came 5 years after Matt was killed. Must admit I haven't had one 'planned' baby it has just happened

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tinkerbellesmuse · 03/10/2009 10:17

That's the thing Shabs I don't know whether it is strength, more just total denial like somehow I can make all this crappiness go away.

But I do think about it a lot and then I get confused about were my focus should be. It's messed up.

I saw on another thread you mentioned that you only discovered you were pregnant with Danny and Gareth the week before they arrived - never mind Tom, now that must have been a shock!

shabbapinkfrog · 03/10/2009 10:23

It was an interesting experience in the days when routine scans were not done - 1981. I was massive and threw up hourly for 9 months. They x-rayed me in the end and found twins - they were born 10 days later at 38 weeks. Its funny now but it was mind blowing then.

I think you are doing the best you can do with what you have got. I also think its a very natural longing because, I dont know about you, but I felt a weird hunger all the time, like I was starving. I felt that there was an 'empty hole' in the pit of my stomach. Having another baby will never stop your longing for Felix but it will give you a focus, fresh hope and great happiness.

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travellingwilbury · 03/10/2009 10:24

Hello all , I have just been reading Dizzys thread from last night . It breaks your sodding heart doesn't it ? I can be such a hard faced sod now but hearing that raw pain has got me in bits .
You and Dee are obviously in touch with her Shabs , please give her my love xx

shabbapinkfrog · 03/10/2009 10:27

Will do TW xxxxx

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tinkerbellesmuse · 03/10/2009 11:32

Send her mine too

I don't know her but I saw her post earlier - I couldn't read it all. Just made me feel sick - I feel for her so much.

I posted something this morning but I now it helps to know others know how you feel, so please let her know.

travellingwilbury · 03/10/2009 11:46

tbm , I got pregnant about 18 mths after Harry died , it took me ages to come to the decision that I was even willing to put my fate in other hands tbh .I was so nervous about going through the whole thing again and how I would deal with being pregnant and wether or not I could love another baby as much as I loved Harry .

For me I think that was about the right time , I needed time to be a mess for a while before I had to be a grown up again , but I think if we had other children at the time it may well have happened earlier .I was a complete mess and drank far too much and smoked like a chimney for a good yr after Harry and the idea of eating healthily and having to look after myself was very scary . I was very scared to let myself hope again .

I don't think there is a right time as such but I do think that it is a good step forward to even be thinking about it .

Please don't think that by having another baby you are somehow leaving Felix behind , you will never leave him behind , he will always be a part of your family and nothing will ever change that . I like the fact that my two boys that are here with me will talk about Harry in a completely natural way . They don't give me "that" look , they just talk about him when they fancy it and that is a lovely thing .

ILikeToQuickstepItTangoIt · 03/10/2009 12:27

I got pg the month after we lost C. We weren't trying exactly but we weren't being careful either - iyswim. I was quite surprised that I got pg so quickly as I'm quite a believer in mind, body and spirit. However another bereaved mummy told me that her Doc told her that bereaved mothers often fall pg very quickly after they lose a child. Maybe it's the body's way of trying to heal the mind and heart?

The pg brought with it a whole host of feelings that were hard to deal with at the time (eg was I trying to replace C? If I could swap this baby and have C back I would), but I had a wonderful mw who listened to me ramble and cry and helped me make sense of what I was feeling. As the pg progressed the rational side of my brain took over from the emotional side and I realised that I would never be able to replace C. He was irreplacable.

What I/we yearned for was of course to have C back, but what we really needed was to be a family again (C was our firstborn). M gave us back that again.

C is C, and M is M. My whole body still yearns for C, but M has not filled the gap C left, he never will. And for me, that is a good thing.

But as Shabs said, M gave us fresh hope and a renewed purpose. I do not regret for one heartbeat having him so quickly after losing C. But, everyone is different and you have to decide what is best for you. Sod what everyone else thinks, it is your decision.

I hope this gives you some food for thought, and please feel free to ask any question you want. If you can't ask it here I don't know where else you could

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