Gareth and Matthews thread for bereaved Mummies - the special thread where the light bulb at the end of the tunnel is always lit xx

[shabbapinkfrog]

So pleased that we are all here helping each other walk the 'crappy' path xxxx

Sorry to hear about the new fella Lottie. Maybe he needs some time to think tings over. If he's the right one he'll stick around.

WoollyJo - not having any answers is very difficult isn't it? It feels like an answer would at least give a tiny tiny bit of closure or explanation, but no answer leaves everything still open and just lots of why why whys. I can't remember if you were on our last thread, but it was started by Dee and the title read something like this:

It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

FMN - we've missed you. So many questions. But most importantly, how the bloody hell are you?

Hello everyone - sorry I haven't posted for a while, I have been reading every couple of days to keep up! I haven't been feeling so great, tried coming off my medication at 20 weeks as suggested and went swiftly downhill, so was shipped off to Mum and Dad's with DS by my CPN (DH was away at two conferences in a row!)
Am now back on one drug and feeling more upbeat again, will be restarting the other one once baby is here.

I'm sorry about the new bloke too Lottie, I hope with some space he comes round. FMN, it's nice to see you back (I'm sure we have spoken before, but if not I have definitely read your posts before I started posting myself - now I sound like a stalker )

Woolyjo, I'm sorry you didn't get any answers about Niamh's death. It is difficult. The only consolation I took from Caitie's death being unexplained was at least it was not likely to happen again.

Can I ask you all about your surviving older children, if that makes sense?! DS was upset tonight at bedtime and he finally told me he wanted to know if our baby died would I get another one in my tummy again, because he wants one to come and live with us. I was a bit surprised... he's only 2.10, bless him, and he hasn't mentioned Caitlin much at all recently. I told him I was sure this baby would be fine and the doctors were taking good care of me and her, and if they thought something was wrong later they would be able to get her out quickly. The problem is, I find it very hard to talk about the baby as a sure thing. Which I know is a bit silly, but there are too many 'what ifs'

So basically, what I'm trying to ask in this ramble is have any of your older children been worried about a subsequent baby dying, and if so what did you tell them?

Eek, that got long! Sorry x

I don't have any words of wisdom for you Olissa, but I wanted to say hi and I'm so glad you and the bubs are doing well

Hopefully someone with some wise words will be along soon xxx

Hi all x

I see that there are so many challenges for so many of us right now. I wish you all you need to get through x

Everyso often I wonder why I venture out of this haven, this is one of those times. No point in going into details but bloody hell!

Was at my Nan's funeral today. We were not close, she didnt like me much. It was sad to see my uncles upset though and my cousins who she seemed to be very fond of. I go to as many funerals as I can make because I know how important they are (I dont mean I go looking for funerals, I mean I try and attend the ones of people I know).

Its not until I get there that I realise how much difficult stuff they bring up. I then have to stand there trying not to melt down for reasons unconnected with the poor person whose funeral it actually is! I always get such a headache afterwards.

I am not sure if this makes me weird but I get a lot of comfort from walking around old cemeteries and seeing the graves of children who passed many years ago. I dont mean that I am glad these children died, but that it makes me feel less alone. That mothers and fathers for generations have bourne the loss of their beloved children and the world has kept turning. I feel a connection going back over the centuries. Its like I am in a place that understands. is that weird?

Not weird at all Che. I was watching some history programme a while back and there was a family who lost 6 children I knew infant mortality rates were shocking, so I guess maybe people didn't always expect all of their children to survive into adulthood, but they were still their beloved children What a bloody awful cross to bare.

Sorry about your Nan. Your right about funerals being important. Mostly to the family left behind. It's a real comfort to know that poeople care.

How are you feeling love? Have you had twins confirmed?

Hi all

Been laid low (well as low as can be with DC's about!) with cold (bit ironic when temp here is still 35c + most days!) but seem to be coming to an end.

Woolyjo sorry you didn't get answers. Doesn't make sense does it? Drs can do all this amazing stuff but sometimes they just can't (sorry I can't express it better than this)

Would it help if I told you even with answers it still doesn't help? I know what caused Felix to die but I just don't know why. There is no answer to that is there?

We need to make an appointment to discuss the results of his PM and I am dreading it. I know I need to know the details but at the same time I don't want to hear how broken his little body was. It doesn't make sense to me when he looked so perfect on the outside that he just didn't work inside.

Olissa my DD is 4 and DS 3 and they always say things like "can you put another baby in your tummy but can you bring it home this time" . I'm told it is good that they express their feelings in this way and tbh I like it because I can talk to them about Felix in a "normal" way which just isn't possible with anyone else.

Good morning girls xx

Good morning all , it feels very early today .

woolyjo , the not getting the answers is horrible . But I did find that for every answer I got it just gave me more questions . As tinkerbelle said , we know what caused Harry to die but we have no idea why it happened .

Olissa , my two are 5 and 3 and the 5 yr old has gone through a few tough stages . He does get very upset sometimes and wants to talk about Harry , tbh I think he finds it hard that he didn't get to meet him and feels a bit left out . We do talk about him and I think that def helps and I do like the fact that he feels able to talk to me about him and ask questions (however hard they can be to answer) He did go through a stage last yr of wanting to go in a hot air balloon and fly up to heaven toi say hello .If only it was that easy eh ?

Hi che , I hope you are ok , is someone being a pillok out there ?

tinkerbelle , I hope you have got a good gp to talk through the pm with , mine was really lovely and came to the house and went though the bits that mattered without overwhelming me with everything.

dd is 2.10 and often asks when Daddy is going to put another baby in mummy's tummy (may have gotten a bit too graphic with the explanations at one point )

We haven't yet used the terms dead or died with her as we didn't think she would understand the terms. We told her that she was very poorly and her heart didn't work so we had to say goodbye. We will get more frank with her as her understanding allows.

We are planning another pregnancy so time will tell how well we all manage.

Wooly - thats the best way to do it - I used to try and answer DS1's questions when they cropped up, and they did change as he got older - also have to be very honest with children cause they can soon 'smell' fibs

We also, on DS1's insistence, took him to his twin brothers heart specialist when he was about 6 because he was worried he would have the same thing as his brother. He checked DS1 from head to foot and listened to his heart and re-assured him that he was fighting fit.

Thank you everybody... it is a minefield isn't it? I did use the word 'dead' with DS, he knows that usually people don't die until they're old, and he doesn't seem to worry about me or his dad dying. The main problem I have is when we have other dead things (usually courtesy of the cats!) and he wants to know why I don't take them to Caitlin's garden.

It was just out of the blue, he hasn't really mentioned her for a while. I took a friend to the cemetery recently as she wanted to see the stone, and her daughter (same age as DS) was most concerned that baby Caitlin had no mummy and we couldn't get her to understand that I was her mummy.

It seems so unfair for the littlies to have to cope with it, most kids their age haven't even had a dead pet. (Disclaimers - I am not wishing my situation on anyone, nor am I saying it's not upsetting to lose a pet!)

Shabs, I think it's lovely that you and the doctor could do that for DS1, I think it would be really reassuring.

Oh, and Woolyjo, DS told some people on the bus the other day that his baby sister was in Mummy's tummy and she was coming out on the Wednesday before Christmas (not sure where he got that from, would be a bit early) and that Mummy had a special baby hole. (He asked me what mummies had instead of willies, I explained about the various holes - no proper names yet!)

Hope you are feeling OK Che, I think I may have stumbled across one of the threads you mean...

Good day ladies.

Is our list of important dates still around?

x

I haven't put them all on yet - promise I will later tonight xx

Oh that's fine. Just wondered if there was anyone we should be thinking of today. Don't feel embarrassed Shabba, I just thought it was such a lovely idea I would like to see it continued!! xx

evening girlsx hope all okx

Today is the day Ciaran was buried. Can't believe it's been five years.

Shabba - if you see this please can you check your private messages on FB - it's urgent love.

Hi Deemented

Thinking of you.

xx

Hi all

Olissa - My older 2 just seem to accept that their brother's not here any more, but that he's around in a different way. We talk about F a lot & I suppose that helps, but who knows? We just bumble along, like with everything else... They never mentioned it while I was pregnant with DS4, even tho I'd had 3 miscarriages. Lots of other questions, but nothing about whether this one would be ok - perhaps they knew something!

Chegirl - I'm with you re cemeteries. It's a sad comfort but a true one. The only reason I'm here is because I finally found someone with a scarily similar story & it makes me feel less alone, less like an alien. I was talking to a friend to today who told me of various difficulties she's had over the last few months (inc children's health scares) & I was v sympathetic (I hope!) but a nasty little voice kept whispering, 'but that's nothing...try walking in my shoes for a day...etc etc' Realising that our forebears might have had it worse is a strange kind of comfort!

very sad news for anyone who has been 'following' Dizzymares twin pregnancy

Everlong - its good to see you. Everything you talk about seems normal to me - you are a newly bereaved Mum - I did all the things you mention after Matt was killed. Keep posting sweetheart - I have missed you xxx

Ladies - reading Dizzy's sad and shocking news I found my thoughts turning to all of you once again and that Dizzy's news must be so hard to hear. Thinking of you all tonight.

Thank you Northern. I have been emailing Dizzy and talking to her on Mumsnet - have been assuring her that everything will be fine....feel so sad for her tonight and wish the outcome could have been better. xxxxxx

Shabba - you've done everything you can do. This is beyond all of us and that's so hard isn't it - knowing how much something needs to be fixed but it can't be done. The only thing we can do is what you all do so well here and stretch out our hands to those who are hurting. There's nearly 250 posts on that other thread, that's a lot of people saying they care.

Thank you - I feel so sad for her, feel like a daft old cow - there's me spouting about how all will be well and I know everything is going to be alright - when, truth be known, I haven't got the faintest idea. I dont want to be talking to Dizzy on our bereaved mums thread I want to be talking to her on the multiple mums 'D'ya ever' thread. - feel so pissed off tonight and so angry with that 'God bloke.'

You have to be positive though, you have to be otherwise none of us would get out of bed and the flipside is that sometimes it won't work out and you feel so exposed then don't you? I am a practicing christian and I have prayed about this situation and my first thought on seeing poor Dee's post was 'but God I prayed about that - why' There's no answer to that, at least not one in this world.

I have to go to bed now, work tomorrow. You take care of you - you're not daft you're lovely!