Gareth and Matthews thread for bereaved Mummies - the special thread where the light bulb at the end of the tunnel is always lit xx

[shabbapinkfrog]

So pleased that we are all here helping each other walk the 'crappy' path xxxx

charley please dont worry

Shabs hope you get a good night's sleep tonight. It makes so much difference.

crumpette I wish you love and peace in your new home

TW wasnt it awful? I am so glad that I had time there before it kicked off. I got so much from that site. Its really not the same anymore. I didnt like the loving arms much. It all got a bit weird at one point.

I hope everyone is coping today. X

amelia - I get anxious when my ds gets ill, even if I know it is something minor, and yes I do have flashes of 'is he ok?' when I haven't heard a murmer from him in the night, however it isn't an all consuming fear like yours is.

Hvae you spoken to your GP about it? There is a therapy called CBT which helps and enables you to deal with and rationalise your fears and emotions.

hi shabs ,hope your feeling a bit more awake,and sorry things are crap at the moment.
well my granddaughter was five today ,went with dd and all the grandaughters and her friend horse riding,i was scared stiff incase they fell,dh tried to stop me paniccing and let them enjoy but sometimes it so scarey.
amelias mum i hope in time you will be able to relax ,my grandson died of sudden infant death,and still uses a angelcare monitor on her,she recently had a week without while on holiday ,hard but she did it.
big hugs to everyone ,sorry not been on much but i do read through and think of you allxxxxx

I have spoken briefly to my GP about it but they prescribed me AD said i had post natal depression and made me feel really stupid, i was in tears by time i left as she made me feel so small and embarrased. Maybe this is why its so bad because i havnt had the confidence to speak about it so it has just built up and got way out of hand in my own head.
Both of my dd's are on angelcare monitors. dd1 is nearly 3 and i know she is to big now to still be using it but after the doctors took her off her breathing monitor at 18months i couldnt bear the thought of her being without anything so brought one of these and then when dd2 came along i felt like i would be treating her as more important if i gave her dd1's angelcare monitor so brought another so they could both have one. Sounds stupid doesnt it..

I just cannot understand why i am feeling like this, is it purely that i have had such close losses before that i live in fear of it happening again as i know i wont be able to cope? It doesnt help that i think if dd1 has stopped breathing for no explained reason before then theres nothing to say she wont do it again, and what if i hadnt have found her in time?? Its almost like im grieveing for my dd because of how close i came to loosing her instead of enjoying and savouring every moment i do have with.

Sorry i really should read my messages before i post them, i just started typing and suddenly i had so many questions in my head that i had to write down to get it off my chest.
It sounds really insensitive to all of you mummys who have lost dc and im really sorry if anyone reads it that way it is in no way meant to sound heartless to all of you women who i respect and feel for so dearly.
I just feel like i can finally release some of this built up tension inside of me.

Think you will find that nobody on here is offended - our precious children are exactly that - precious. Rant away!!

rant awayxshabs you ok my lovex

Not great Hazy - whatever our Tom has I have caught it - shaking like a leaf and freezing and then a menopausal moment and sweating

I hate being ill - really hate it!

ah you lot really are as lovely as ive read you are, means alot to have someone 2 just listen to me and take me seriously for once, maybe im not as headshot as i was honestly starting to believe i was!! x

Dont worry love - its official - we are all barking mad on here - I have found it helps to be honest

Good morning everyone xx

Amelia , I would go back to a different gp and discuss this again . It does sound like you are very anxious and could really do with talking to someone . It sounds like some sort of post traumatic stress thing ( I am in no way qualified to make that judgement by the way )
Is it just when your little ones are asleep ? I do feel for you it must be awful .

I never felt the panic that you are feeling by the way other than the usual parental worries that we all have , so please don't think it is a sign of bad things to come . Most of us never thought in a million yrs that this would happen to us .

Morning all.

Shabs - you've done a great job with the list - so tragic it is so long.

Woolyjo - good luck with going back to work. Be kind to yourself.

Sometimes I think I'm doing better and then I realise that I'm not living my normal life - I avoid people and situations - I hate bumping into people when I don't have DD or DS with me (somehow they "protect" me!)

tbm I am avoiding everyone at the moment! I think it's normal? I cannot even wander into M&S food store incase the security guard who used to talk and smile at DD is there bit of a pain as I really really want M&S mozzarella balls and chocolate sauce mmm

anyway I digress

Amelia I second what tw has said, you should ask to see a different GP, perhaps if you feel like you want help something like CBT would help you or some counselling to help you talk it through. Please don't in any way feel that what you fear may happen will happen, or that you are feeling like this because something is going to happen. I know I was the most laid back relaxed parent and DD seemed super fit and well, then suddenly she wasn't. I never imagined she would get ill and after she got ill I never imagined that she would die, so what I am trying to say is (does this make sense!?) I don't think that worrying about it happening means that it ever will happen. I think your fears are rational though given what has happened to you and in light of nearly losing people so close to you.
Please don't feel bad for coming on here as shabs so eloquently put it we are all barking mad you are more likely to be understood here than somewhere else x

Thank you crumpette i am seriously considering going back to a GP now, my dp has been pressuring me to for so long but i am just terrified of being basically laughed at again.
The day before my best friend died i was saying goodbye to her giving her a hug just like always did and then when she left i burst into tears, at the time i had no idea why, the next day i had a phonecall from her mum to tell me she had been killed.

And my dp who often worked away called me when i was at playgroup with my dd to say he suddenly had 2 go away to wales to work and would be back on friday, (this was on a wednesday), i begged him not to go which is strange seen as i am used 2 him working away and it normally dosnt bother me, that evening i had a phonecall 2 say he was in a very bad way to get to him immediatly as they wernt sure he would make the night.

Maybe i am just scared to ignore my own instincts and it has just become obbsessive with the people closest to me ie my dc's.
Hugs 2 all of u xx

goodluck wooolyj on going back to work, sometimes it helps to be distracted.
hope you are feeling betterx

ameliamummy , I can completely understand wanting to listen to your instincts and also how the two examples you have given would make you think you should listen to them more carefully , but your instincts are not being able to work properly at the moment because you are in such a hightened state of anxiety all the time . The thing that is making you panic for the last couple of yrs has nothing to do with listening to your instincts .
Every time you have panicked and had those awful doubts about your wee one the little one has been fine . I would really recommend talking this through with someone so you can seperate the anxiety from the instinct .

Shabs I hope you are ok today xxxx

Thanks for all your good wishes.

So far work has been fine almost as if nothing has happened (which upsets me a bit if I think too much about it). For the first 5 weeks I am using up my 10 staying in touch days and only doing 2 days a week so I am still officially on maternity leave and can back off again if I need to without having to get sick notes etc.

The team I work with are great and whilst my job is quite public facing (I work in forestry) I am able to keep a low profile for a bit with their help. They have also tried to make sure that all the contractors and partners that I work with know about Niamh so there are no difficult "how's your baby?" moments.

I feel quite lucky in a way

evening all.. I no sooner get over one bug than I get another .. I think my gp needs to listen to the subtext and not just say yeah its a virus.

Hi Amelia .. will you stop saying you are sorry...there really is no need I hope you find the support you need here.

The timing of your posts feels odd for me because I had my first real scare with Ross the other night.

I went to check on him and he was soaking with sweat so I changed him and the bed and he didnt wake up. I opened the window and he still didnt wake up. When I went back to check about 15 mins he was cold to touch (well obv cos the window was open) still a bit sweaty. When I tried prodding him nothing happened . I really thought I had lost him .. shook him hard .. nothing

So I yelled in his ear "Ross" he sat upright , opened his eyes and said "what?" are you allright? yes .. are you sure.. yes and then he went back to sleep

Evening everyone xx

FM - that sounds scary. I lose count of the no of times a night me/DH check DS1 now. He's just fallen out of bed this evening (DS1 not DH!!) and DH must have climbed the stairs two at a time to go check all was ok. Which it clearly was! x

Woollyjo I'm pleased that you seem to be able to test the water as it were to see how you get on with work - really good idea to use the staying in touch days to give it a go. sounds like your work are being supportive. I think i know what you mean about people not saying anything about Niamh - they probably just don't know whether to say anything or not. I'd been thinking about you this week x

Amelia - Hello and i hope you get some support both here and from your GP to help you deal with what you're feeling.

Shabs - How are you today? x

G'mornin folks.

Hope today treats everyone well.

Good morning all xx

Oi Chegirl - something you'd like to tell us?

Ooh what have I miseed Dee ?

I must have missed that too