Gareth and Matthews thread for bereaved Mummies - the special thread where the light bulb at the end of the tunnel is always lit xx

[shabbapinkfrog]

So pleased that we are all here helping each other walk the 'crappy' path xxxx

Thank you shabba pet x

Hello ladies

Just wanted to say I read all your posts and think of you all. Horrible club we're all in, glad to be in it with such nice people though.

I love the list made of the important days, I think that's a lovely idea to commemorate our loved ones.

Will check in again next week.

Love to you all.

xx

Good luck woollyjo, will be thinking of you, let us know how you get on xx

I'm still off my work but am starting to think about how i get myself back there.

Gregor's birthday 4th March 2007
Gregor died 15th March 2009.
It'll be six months this Tuesday . Have tried to write these dates a few times but not managed to post them. Have had another rough weekend.

oh PeterPM its such very early days for you....I wouldnt go back to those days for anything....Its so difficult and so 'never ending.' It does change with time but......oh I should shut up! Its a bloody awful time but 'stuff' will improve for you...I think that as time goes on we learn to live with our grief.

Thinking of everybody on our special thread tonight xx

Oh Shabs you're spot on, 'never ending' is exactly what it feels like just now. I miss him so much it hurts and i so yearn to hold him again. There are days i feel like i could cope with work then others i just struggle to deal with day to day crap. Some days i feel like i'm going through the motions and just existing rather than living which is ridiculous when i put my rational head back on again because I've got so much good stuff in my life and now i should appreciate the good stuff more than ever as i know just how precious it is. Am ranting now and that's without wine tonight!! i suppose what i'm trying to say is that it's reassuring to know that some of what i'm feeling is 'normal' but also devastating to know so many of you are also going through this rollercoaster of pain xx

The longing to see our precious children again is the hardest thing I have ever tried to work through. Its been 27 years since Gareth died and 17 years since Matt was killed BUT, somehow there are times when it feels like it only just happened.

On Christmas Day I had to paint a smile on and entertain everyone. All I wanted was a massive dining table - my four sons around it - with their partners and their children and...and...I knew I couldnt have it. Just to peep at them and see what they look like now, to see if they are happy, to actually discover where 'they are now.' Its very, very difficult and very tiring. I couldnt manage without our 'special MN thread.'

Thanks for listening Shabs xx Am off to try to get some sleep now xx

Billie's Birthday 20th January 92
Lucie's Birthday 28 February 08
Gregor's birthday 4th March 2007
Gregor died 15th March 2009.
Benjamin's Birthday and Remember day 3 April 07
Matthew's Remember day 10 April 92
Lucie's Remember day 12 April 09
Fraser's remember day 13 April
Fraser's b/day 15 April 05
Billie's Anniversary 27th April 06
Christina's birthday 24 May 93
Christina's Remember Day 25 June 93
Niamh's Birthday 30 June 09
Matthew's Birthday 30 June 84
Callum's Remember Day 13 July
Gareth's Remember Day 21 July 82
Niamh's Burial 23 July 09
Caitlin's Birthday 29 July 08
Cole's Birthday 30 July
Caitlin's Remember Day 03 Aug 08
Felix's Birthday and Remember day 05 August 09
Callum's Funeral 08 Aug
Ciaran's Birthday and Remember Day 09 Sept
Jayden's Birthday 18 September 06
Ciaran's Burial 01 Oct
Harry's Birthday 07 Oct
Cole's Remember Day 07 Nov
Jayden's Remember Day 01 Dec 06
Harry's Remember Day 02 Dec 01
Jack's Birthday 22 Dec 94
Gareth's Birthday 28 Dec 81

Che I am so very sorry it was my cut and paste which dropped Billie off the list. Please accept my heartfelt apologies.

hiya Charley - thanks for doing that for me xxx

Good morning everyone

Che yes you are right , it did ruin a very special place . I joined around the time of her "drama" and it took me a very long time before I felt trusted on there . Did you know that a few of them that used to post a lot in "The Loving Arms" side of it went on to set up there own site ?

Woolyjo , good luck for today , I hope you have good people at work with you who will support you .

PPM 6 months , I remember that time so well , everything is just such hard work and a massive effort . Someone once said to me that grief was a very heavy weight to carry around and in the early days we just don't have the muscles to carry it properly but over time those muscles get stronger and we learn how to carry it without so much pain . It feels true to me , although I do sprain myself every now and then .

Morning girls xx

Morning Shabs , how is Tom this morning ?
I hope he is feeling a bit better , I hate it when one of my boys are ill , it makes me v twitchy now .

He seems much better today - last night was awful.

Tom: Mum, Muuuum, Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Me: Whats wrong?

Tom: (I thought he said) there's a boy in my bedroom!

Me:

We passed each other on the landing, dont know who was the most frightened. He had said a 'daddy long legs.' He is petrified of moths and daddy long legs. I walked into his room, killed the bloody thing and tried to settle him back down.

The night before Matt was killed he came into my room and said 'there's a little boy who looks just like me in my room. He wants me to go with him but I dont want to go.' The next day we lost Matt. I ended up sleeping in Toms bed holding onto him all night [mad as a hatter emoticon] I really thought it was all going to happen again.

Im exhausted this morning xxxx

Shabs , absolutely not mad as a hatter , you sound like you could do with lots of hugs today .

That must have been so scary . I panic every time one of mine is poorly it is horrible .

I am truly knackered!!! Cant remember the last time I was this tired.

I am not surprised Shabs apart from the lack of sleep it is also knackering to be that emotional as well . A day snuggled on the sofa watching rubbish today I reckon .

Are you sure you cant see into my living room thats what we are doing already! xx

Poor you Shabs, Tell Tom he is in good company re DLL's!!! They are the thing in the world that Wilf is most scared of!!!
Ive been subjected to loud screams from the bathroom (to the extent that i was convinced before i got there that he had got his toes stuck in a bathtap) that was a DLL. Also the time he woke me up at Midnight as there was one flapping in the lightshade on the landing!!! Boys eh?

Good luck for today woolyJp it's a huge step you're taking, and as hard as it is, once you've got through today each day will seem a wee bit easier. I've got everything crossed for you.

PPM - what a lovely name. I had Gregor on my boys name list - I adore it
There's nothing rational about losing a child which is why it's such a rollercoaster of emotions. One day up, the next day down and so on and so on. But one day you'll wake up and realise that the gaps between the ups and downs are slightly further apart.

Sounds like you need chocolate, This Morning and a lots of cups of tea.

I hate the anxiety when they're ill.

Thanks MoveIt. we've come such a long way in just 6 months, but have such a long journey ahead of us. We're learning to gel together as a family of three which in the first few weeks/months felt like something we could never feel comfortable with. xx

Hiya TW, The weight analogy is very appropriate and some days it feels truly like that. xx

Shabs that would have given you such a fright, hope you get some rest today and yes i second that vote for chocolate, a duvet and This Morning. DS1 has had a (back to school) cold over the last couple of weeks and my DH keeps wanting me to take him to the docs! xx

Hello, sorry if I messed up list!

The move has happened but not without great difficulty- the man with van plus strong man to lift were supposed to arrive at 9am-10am, but instead as I was in the shower thinking 'omg I have got to pack' at 8.10 one man arrived, with no second man.. cue big pregnant lump that I am being ordered to carry things on and off the van (ouch) and DP standing there saying 'you are so much younger than me... you carry the boxes'
gee thanks!

Anyway, new place is very nice, more of a house than a flat really big and on 3 floors, didn't move far. Moved from SE10 to the hospital while DD was ill- signed tenancy agreement on flat a month before she died- so have now moved back to where we lived with her. Next to Greenwich park etc, pretty sad realising I haven't been there without her until now Only dramas with new place are that the blinds and curtains were removed by landlord (why??!!) oh and the gas has been cut off and thames water are cutting off the water supply TODAY and I am at work and DP can't get through to them to stop them! The agents were supposed to let them know we were moving in

sorry vent over. FM your post about your work reminds me of myself- I speak to clients who cry at me down the phone thinking they are so injured, I really have to bite my tongue not to say 'you're crying??!! You think you are ill??!! You have pulled a muscle in your neck!!!Let me email you a picture of my child!!!!!!!!!!'

ehem...

Hi i really dont want to offend anyone and your probably going to think im utterly stupid but i have tried talking to dp about this and he just doesnt understand and i really need to get it off my chest.
I have 2 dd's one age 2.5yrs and one 10months.
Ever since dd2(10months) was born i have an over whelming feeling that i am going to loose her, i cant sleep at night, i check on her about 25times in a night and just cant bond with her 4 fear of loosing her.
When dd1 was 5months old, i went to bed and checked on her like i always did only to find her not breathing, thankfully the paramedics revived her and she suffered no long term damage.After this happened i did nothing but worry about her and she was attached to breathing monitors during the night until she was a year old. I finally thought that i had stopped worrying(as much as any parent can do anyway) about her and started to relax again.
Then dd2 came along, her labour and birth was extremely traumatic we nearly lost her twice and since that day i just cannot get over this feeling that im going to loose her. I dont know what it is as shes healthy but i feel sick every time i walk up the stairs to get her up from her nap incase shes not breathing.

I think its probably a combination of a misscarage ive suffered in the past, along with finding dd1 in her cot not breathing and nearly loosing dd2 during birth but i just feel absolutly ridiculous.

I really hope i dont offend anyone as i completely understand that what all of you who have lost children are feeling can in no way compare to my silly thoughts. You just all seem so friendly that i thought someone may be able to reassure me that im not the only one feeling like this.

amelia Im not suprised you feel like this. You have had 'a lot' going on. I've found talking it through with the girls on this thread helps so much. Nobody here will write 'You are being unreasonable and you are barking mad!'.

So you are not offending anyone and you are not stupid Keep posting you will only get support here xxx

Thanks shabba that means alot, i just feel like i havnt really got any justified reason to feel like this when most other people on this thread are going through what i can only describe as hell compared to me. I lost my bestfriend a couple of years ago in an RTA and nearly lost my dp also in a RTA last year(hes now still ill but recovering well) whilst pregannt with dd2 so i feel terrified of loosing anyone close to me and think this is only making my feelings about dd2 stronger.
Thanks 4 listening xx

After reading your last post I would be suprised if you didn't feel anxiety. Thats a lot to process through your mind. My head used to feel like it would blow off my shoulders if I had to 'take any more loss.' xxx