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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
shabster · 20/05/2009 06:18

Good morning girls - hope you are OK Lottie xx

travellingwilbury · 20/05/2009 07:08

Good morning everyone xx

I hope the head isn't too bad this morning Lottie x

lottiejenkins · 20/05/2009 08:09

Morning.......... I feel like death warmed up since 2.05am i have had about two and a quarter hours sleep!Bloody boy,,,,,,,,,,,and he had the nerve to drop off to sleep at 3.45 when he was chatting to me on MSN!! Hows the rat problem TW?

frasersmummy · 20/05/2009 08:42

morning girls

I posted on your other thread tw wondering if there was any sign of your rat last night

I am off to M&S so see what they have for a penny...seriously in case you missed the adverts M&S are running a penny bazaar. For the next 3 days they are selling a range of products for 1p.

You are only allowed to purchase 5 items though.

then its library, bakers,mums, doctors, hen preparing for doing brownies tonight

right ..with that list better get moving

take care all

marmitemonster · 20/05/2009 10:10

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marmitemonster · 20/05/2009 10:15

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marmitemonster · 20/05/2009 10:20

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shabster · 20/05/2009 10:20

Marmite - you can have any music you want at a funeral - everything is your choice my darling. The photographs sound a lovely idea. What song were you thinking about.

I will light a candle up here in Lancashire for your DD tomorrow.

travellingwilbury · 20/05/2009 10:21

mm , I can understand you not wanting to think about it , and not wanting to make these decisons . Nobody should ever have to do this . Do you have any family or friends that you can talk it over with who could help you with songs ? You haven't left it too late . Is there anything you used to listen with her ? Or a piece of music that makes you remember a nice time with her ?

I know it is a horrible thing to have to do .

If you want to take photos along then that is absolutely fine . Anything you want to do on the day is ok .

I would probably ring them back and have a chat with them , maybe get them to come to your house and talk if you would be more comfortable .

lottiejenkins · 20/05/2009 10:25

I would pick something that you think is perfect for the occasion, lots of people have Tears in Heaven played........... This is a beautiful song too.....
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2GDG1sNHJE&feature=PlayList&p=DBA37AAEE84280CE&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL& index=2
This poem is beautiful too

Gone too soon by Mary Yarnell
---------
This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayel, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..

marmitemonster · 20/05/2009 10:34

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marmitemonster · 20/05/2009 10:37

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marmitemonster · 20/05/2009 10:40

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travellingwilbury · 20/05/2009 10:41

Normally you would record the music and give it to them before , but they may have some you could choose from .

Normally a friend or family member would read the poem , or whoever is taking the service can do it if nobody feels able .

The flowers sounds perfect .

maggie61 · 20/05/2009 11:01

We had everyone say twinkle ,twinkle, little star and played ub40, I can,t help failing in love with you.
The vicar read out a story my parents had written, about a star, signifying our ds.
You do what you feel is right, I think the music at the end of The night time gardenis lovely.

lottiejenkins · 20/05/2009 11:08

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c

This is another beautiful song!

marmitemonster · 20/05/2009 11:26

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marmitemonster · 20/05/2009 13:06

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gardeningmum05 · 20/05/2009 15:18

not been on here for a while, read a couple of pages, so sorry you have had to join this thread marmite, my thoughts are with you.
we had "beautiful" by joe cocker at my daughters funeral, because quite simply, she was
i wrote a poem and read it out,really,really hard but i am really glad i did.
paul carried her coffin from the church to the grave. he wasnt sure he could do it until the last minute, so we had the pall-bearers on stand-by, but bless him he did it.
if i was you, i would have holiday, as it obviously means alot to you. lets face it , what is appropriate, no parent should bury their child
to all on this thread, hi, hope you all bearing up

chegirl · 20/05/2009 19:55

Hello Marmite,

I will be thinking of you and your little one tommorow. You have whatever you want or dont have anything if thats what you prefer.

I planned my DD's funeral as if it were here wedding. It had to be perfect in every detail. I was obsessive. It was my way of coping.

We had:
Forever Young -Bob Dylan
Summertime - Ella Fitzgerald
God Bless the Child - Bille Holiday
Butterfly & Like a Star - Corrine Baily rae

Like a Star is a wonderful song and I think you will like it. I dont know how to do links (shabs does) but you can go to YouTube and do a search if you want.

I wish you so much strength for tommorow.

I wanted to say something about your post the other night. I cant believe someone told you that you should be 'ok' now. I had flashbacks for many many months. I was told it was like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. How can those awful memories just go?

For me they have lessened and are easier to deal with and I hope that this happens for you too.

Please dont feel guilty about the things you didnt do with your DD. She was loved and thats what really matters. Think of all the things you DID do (when you can).

I dont usually give 'advice' about grieving. But I would say one thing - please dont dwell on what you should have or could have done. It will torture you and wont change a thing. It will take up all your energy and destroy you.

I hope I havent offended you.

shabster · 20/05/2009 21:39

Like a star

I think thats the right one - it is a beautiful song Che xxx

marmitemonster · 20/05/2009 21:44

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marmitemonster · 20/05/2009 21:47

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hazygirl · 20/05/2009 21:56

marmitemonster thinking of you ,candle will be lit here and each and everyone of us will be thinking of you tomorrowxx

chegirl · 20/05/2009 22:52

Oh Marmite

I am a bit stuck for words which is not a state I find myself in very often.

I so want to say something but I know whatever I say is going to be so inadequate.

All of us have had to hold a funeral for our child. Its an abberation, a crime against the natural order of things, its wrong and unfair.

I hope you get everything sorted out. I hope you can get through tommorow the best you can.

Where in London is the funeral? You dont have to tell me if you'd rather not. I wont be offended.