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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
shabster · 04/08/2009 09:18

hiya TW - Im OK thanks.

Just feel a bit odd healthwise - think that I am, hopefully, coming to the end of the menopause. Also miss the hot Greek sunshine on my face.

travellingwilbury · 04/08/2009 09:24

I don't blame you , it is such a downer when you get back from a really good holiday .

I see you have got your fund starting up again though .

End of the menopause , that sounds like a better place to be than the beginning x

shabster · 04/08/2009 09:42

You are right TW - I will be just fine.

We have become almost as close as family with the owners of the hotel. I miss my 'family.'

travellingwilbury · 04/08/2009 09:49

It's a shame you can't get out there more often . It does you the world of good to get away from all this .

I am only going up the m6 tomorrow but I know I will feel better for it .

Olissa · 04/08/2009 10:06

Hello everyone and thank you for the messages yesterday and today. I got a nice surprise when I went to the cemetery - Caitie's headstone is up it sounds funny to call that a nice surprise, but I have been feeling bad that it's taken us so long.
The stonemason is a lovely guy, I think he may have gone and done it yesterday because he knew I would go across and see it.
Shabs, I agree that the end of the menopause sounds like a better place than the beginning , hope you are feeling more like yourself soon.
TW have a lovely trip!

charleymouse · 04/08/2009 10:36

Olissa
I am so sorry I misread yesterday and thought it was Caities birthday. Please accept my apologies. Glad the headstone was up. I have still to sort Bs out it just makes it so final. I almost can't bear it, I have eventually chosen the stone and the wording and contacted the stonemason to place the order and they said they would have to requote as the original one was so long ago. So I have just put it to the back of my mind again.

I think I should just do it and get it over with and get some closure, DH doesn't like to visit as he doesn't like an unmarked grave and I think it would help him if it were sorted.

Hope you feel better soon Shabs. Lottie someone is out there for you and Wilf, don't give up looking. FM not mad at all, I sometimes want to shout unfortunately I only have myself to blame (and I try not to do that). ILTMIMI thanks for your good wishes. TW have a good trip.

oopsadaisyangel · 04/08/2009 12:14

Hey Ladies, hope you don't mind me joining.

My ds2 was stillborn on 19 Dec07. although coping fine (most of the time) I'd like to be able to join somewhere that understands!

I have a ds1 was is 7 and has been my lifeline - the mere fact that we had him was enough for me to keep it together and solider on.

I've since gone on to have DS3 - born 23 Dec 08 - nearly an exact year to the day that DS2 was born.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 04/08/2009 12:29

Hi Oopsadaisy, nice to see you here but shame it's under these circumstances.

We lost ds1 in Nov 07, when he was 15 months old. I then had ds2 in Sept 08 and he has helped the healing process, although there will always be a scar, if not a wound.

What a lovely early christmas present you had last year

travellingwilbury · 04/08/2009 12:37

Hi oopsadaisy , glad you made it over here but as Ilike said wish we weren't meeting under these circumstances .

My son was 14 mths old dec 2001 when he died (acute asthma attack in his sleep , in my arms)

I am getting there and the two boys I have had since are def what keeps me going .

shabster · 04/08/2009 13:13

Hiya oopsadaisy - welcome to, what I reckon is, the most loyal and loving thread on Mumsnet.

I lost one of my twin sons in 1982 at the age of 7 months due to severe congenital heart problems. In 1992 my 7 year old DS3 was knocked down and killed by a lorry.

My last paragraph sums up many years of 'getting there' wherever the hell 'there' is. We all help each other here - no matter how far down the crappy path we are. We often have laughter, many times have tears but we are all here for each other. xxxxx

Olissa · 04/08/2009 15:11

Charleymouse, don't worry, I wasn't terribly clear... and in any case her birthday was only last Weds! I'm like your DH, I didn't like not having the headstone, we were going to have to save up for it though. Then I got made redundant! Every cloud... so Caitie has a headstone and I have been doing a lot of work on my crumbling old house.

Welcome oopsadaisy, hope you find some comfort and support here (which I'm sure you will) I have a DS who's 2.8, and my little DD Caitlin died one year ago yesterday, aged 5 days. I'm 15 weeks pregnant with my third. Look forward to chatting to you x

frasersmummy · 04/08/2009 15:37

Hi Ooopsadaisy

My ittle boy was stillborn in April 2005 and I hope you will find like me that this is a great place to say whats in your head or heart.

If you dont mind me asking do you know what happened with DS2 .. dont worry if you dont fee like posting the story now .. no pressure but we will listen if you want to tell us

oopsadaisyangel · 04/08/2009 17:00

Thanks everyone for the kind welcome!

The post mortum results came back as heart failure for no reason. The consultant said that there really wasn't any reason for it. he was born 5 weeks early but weighted 5lbs 12 so was a healthy weight. It was harder knowing there was no reason for it. I didn't find out till I went into labour that he had gone, i'd gone to the hospital on my own as well because I was convinced I wasn't in labour and didn't want to get DS1 out of bed so made DH stay home with him. Thats the hardest phonecall I've ever had to make, phoning DH to come to the hospital and telling him the couldn't find the heart beat!

I went into labour 6 weeks early with DS3 so was very worried about everything being ok there - but he obviously just wanted to come out for Christmas and was perfectly healthy and the spitting image of his brothers!

x

lottiejenkins · 04/08/2009 20:05

Hi Oopsadaisy, my oldest son Jack was born 26 weeks into my pregnancy, no explanation and he lived for two hours, we had to make the decision to switch his life support off as he had suffered a massive brain haemorrage......... My second son Wilfred is 13 and a complete madhouse of a teenager. He is profoundly deaf dyspraxic and had adhd and learning difficulties. I am a single mum to him since the boys dad died two days before Wilfs fifth birthday. I am sorry to hear of the loss of ds2......... We are a nice friendly bunch here so take a seat and make yourself comfy!!

mel1981 · 04/08/2009 20:57

Hello everyone. Havent been on here for ages Last time was when I was pregnant.... been so busy and had a few problems along the way. Ive tried to catch up a bit but theres so much to read LOL

Hi to the new faces -sorry that we have to meet under these circumatances, the ladies here are lovely and so welcoming and are great if you need a chat about anything.
Olissa - it was a releif -if you like- when my DS headstone was put up I hated him having an unmarked grave.
Oopsadaisy - I lost DS2 at 28weeks Dec 2005 he had a true knot in his cord and already having DS1 (now 5) kept us going I went on to have have DS3 now 2 1/2....

&Ive had DS4 hes 10 weeks old now and so gorgeous but I had a hell of a time to get him here! Found out at 20 week scan I had placenta preavia- didnt think much of it as I had low lying placenta with DS3 and it moved out fine. Well at 26 wks had a small bleed for a few days so stayed in hospital, was told I would be out in a few days but when they scanned me I was told it was grade 3 and I couldnt go home until I had DS. I was devistated- leaving my 2 boys at home and DH! After 9 weeks of no bleeeding& of pulling my hair out my placenta had moved enough for them to be happy with me going home. 23 1/2 hours later I had a bigger bleed in front of DS's (DS1 is petrified of blood as it is) was rushed back to hospital, stayed a few more days and was told I could go home again because they now thought it was a polyp!!
Was home for 3 weeks not being allowed to do ANYTHING! No housework, no going out, couldnt even pick up my DS!!! Then one morning sat with DS3 watching tv and thought my waters broke looked down and it was a VERY scary amount of blood everytime I move more kept coming. So again rushed to hospital. Consultant said as I was 39 weeks there was no point hanging on longer & thought it would just be a case of popping my waters to speed it along but took me into theatre -just incase. Scanned me & all looked fine for natural birth, but examined me to be sure. He just looked at me and said there was no way I could have him naturally my placenta was still covering cervix dispite about 8 previous scans that said it had moved!!! I had an emergency c section there and then it was so surreal and so scary knowing if he hadnt examined me I would of literally kept bleeding til someone noticed I DS could actually come out.
But hes here now and so worth the wait!!

Sorry that was so long prob bored you all now LOL.

woollyjo · 04/08/2009 22:09

Hi All,

I'm another week into this turmoil now, it really helps me to read your stories and see that one day this will feel normal.

Hi Oppsa, I'm new here too. Our Niamh was still born at full term 5 weeks ago, we don't know why yet and are resigned that we may never know.

Since my post pregnancy adrenalin & hormones have subsided I've fallen into a huge hole which I am struggling to climb out of. I am both desperate to be pregnant again (I had 2 miscarriages before Niamh) and absolutely terrified of being pregnant.

We have a dd who is 2.5 and our life line.

travellingwilbury · 05/08/2009 06:20

Huge Congratulations Mel

What a tough time you have had . You must have been so scared (and very bored) . I am so pleased that everything has worked out for you .

travellingwilbury · 05/08/2009 06:25

Good morning all , woolyjo , sorry I don't think we have "met" yet . I am so sorry to hear about Niamh , I remember those early days very well . Someone once said to me that "Noone told them grieving was so bloody knackering"
It is so true .

Be kind to yourself xx

Well I am off to sunny Lancaster in a couple of hours for a few days . See you all when I get back (or before I go )xx

shabster · 05/08/2009 06:48

Morning girls. Well it took just a week before Im back to my getting up 'way' too early Been awake for over an hour already.

TW if you get anywhere near Bolton on your travels give me a shout. Safe journey my darling xxxx

travellingwilbury · 05/08/2009 07:20

Thank you Shabs

If you come across a lost and frazzled looking woman with 2 wee boys , you will know I have come looking .

shabster · 05/08/2009 07:39

!!! xx

frasersmummy · 05/08/2009 08:36

morning.. why do 4 year old boys think 6.30 is morning time ?????????

still at least it means i can start the house work early (Maybe)

oopsadaisyangel · 05/08/2009 09:06

Hey ladies!

Hi WoollyJo - Sorry about Niamh, I know what you mean about the black hole. I kept telling myself I had to keep it together because if I did fall into that hole i knew i wouldn't be able to pull myself out. To be truthful I don't think I allowed myself to greive properly, with it happening the week of Christmas - I just picked myself up and got through Christmas and then it was get through New Year and then it was organise DS1 for going back to school and then i was pregnant again and the fear had me in some sort of detachment from it all. I honestly don't think I allowed myself to grieve properly and I really should have but I think i was scared to - what if I couldn't get myself out of it?

Anyway .....

shabster · 05/08/2009 09:14

OMG how I recognise those feelings and fears xxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 05/08/2009 09:59

Many many congratulations on ds4 Mel. What a scary time for you all, I'm glad you are all well.

Hi Woollyjo. I think most of us can understand your need to have another baby, and the absolute fear that brings. If medically it is ok for you to have another baby, don't let anyone tell you it is too soon, or not a good idea to have another baby. You and your dh are the only people who can truly say when it is the right time for you.

A bereaved mummy once told me her doctor told her it is very common for recently bereaved mothers to get pregnant quite quickly. Almost like the body knows what to do to try and heal itself.

I fell pg with ds2 about a month after we lost ds1, and whilst the pregnancy brought with it a whole host of conflicting emotions (was I trying to replace ds1? etc), looking back I really do think it helped with the grieving process. I guess it was something else to focus on rather than the gaping great hole of grief.

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