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Bereavement

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Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
lottiejenkins · 01/08/2009 18:59

Im having a tricky time at the moment, Wilfred has started to become quite challenging in his behaviour again, Im having to deal with him on my own. I just wish i could find someone who wanted to share their life with us......... The only guys i am keen on at the moment arent available! Why is life so shit?

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 01/08/2009 19:41

FM - you have used the words silly and idiot in your post, and you should never use them when you're talking about how you are feeling. You are neither silly or an idiot for feeling the way you do. No one would ever expect you to get over losing your child.

I feel there is a Cole shaped hole at the dinner table, especially when we have a family gathering. There's just this big gap and tbh I don't think that feeling is ever going to change. I will just have to get used to it - easier said than done though of course. But I know exactly how you feel {{{hugs}}}

Lottie - do you get any help or advice from Wilf's school about how to deal with his behaviour? Apart from the usual teenager issues, do you think there is anything else?

Have you asked your friends to help with finding you a man? Or even friends of friends? Mr Right is out there, you just have to find him.

lottiejenkins · 01/08/2009 21:26

The trouble is men have to take Wilf and I as a package deal and most of them dont want that kind of commitment, i have had two boyfriends since Frank died and that has been the problem with both of them!

lottiejenkins · 01/08/2009 21:28

The thing i find hardest about missing Jack is that my niece is a month older than Jack and my godson is a month younger......... I feel he should be here with them!!

frasersmummy · 01/08/2009 21:35

lottie as you know I havent lost my partner so I can only imagine how hard it would be to have to "start over"

I dont have any words of wisdom but it seems to me that Wilf has helped to make you the person you are today and therefore any man who doesnt want to embrace that part of your life doesnt want to embrace you !

You need to have faith you will find happiness again, you are a loving caring mother and friend and have a lot to give .. dont let anyone tell you different

take car

lottiejenkins · 01/08/2009 22:01

Thanks FM xx

shabster · 02/08/2009 01:16

Lottie - FMammy put it so much better than I could. I have been married for almost 32 years......some parts have been amazing, but most of it has been crap....we have grieved separatly and had sooooo many problems. If I had the chance to do it all again and be with a partner I WOULD NOT DO IT. I am a good woman....I am an obese woman.....I could give a shit for other people...and sometimes I couldnt give a flying 'you know what' for other people. I am very complex. BUT I know if I had the choice and had to be alone I would do it with as much dignity as possible and I would survive - you know the Gloria Gaynor song dont you Lottie....Oh no not I, I will survive......YOU CAN DO THIS - I KNOW YOU CAN....come on my friend lets sing the 'survival song'.....'go on now go, walk out the door, dont turn around now cause your not welcome anymore......' xxxx

shabster · 02/08/2009 10:26

Good morning girls - excuse my drunken ramblings from last night i meant every word of my post but I was very tiddly!!!

lottiejenkins · 02/08/2009 13:53

Thanks Shabs,,,,,,, no need for apologies......... I do however dislike I will Survive as a song! This is my kickstart myself when im down song!
[]
I had only one song that i didnt want played at my 40th and that was IWS!!

lottiejenkins · 02/08/2009 13:53

or this even
www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAM9diIDHqs

frasersmummy · 02/08/2009 16:16

I think I am going back through the grief cycle at top speed

yesterday it was disbelief and tears, today I am sooo angry I want to throw something

DH doesnt agree with me that the incompetent widwife at the scan was to blame..he thinks she contributed but he thinks there were a lot of things that were wrong and I should stop fixating on one person ..

He thinks it was more to do with them sending me home the night before ... yeah well either way why didnt we sue or even just take it to the papers

Ever rational dh points out that we didnt want our grief all over the local tabloid complete with pictures of Frasers Garden

He also asks even if we had won in a court of law how would that have helped either then or now. Fraser still wouldnt be here and the midwfves and doctors would still be practicing

I know he's right ..but I still want to turn up at the hopsital and start shouting

how mad is that 5 years later???

travellingwilbury · 02/08/2009 16:33

It is not mad at all fmummy , I remember going through the same thing .

All the what ifs and onlys .
How could we just carry on and not go and do something to stop it happening again ?

Why were we so polite to people and not shout and scream at everyone ?

How come we just let everybody off the hook so easily ?

I am so sorry you are feeling like this at the moment and please know it will pass .

Keep ranting here , it will help , even if its only a wee bit .

shabster · 02/08/2009 18:28

Oh my darling - you got me thinking now - why did I not kill the driver who killed my Matt? I saw him in a pub a few years ago and I didnt do anything!! I think that we are polite and dont make a fuss because we cant believe what has happened to our beloved children.

Keep posting your thoughts on here - Im sure we have all had similar thoughts more than once. We should all have boxing lessons or do karate - just to let out all this pent up anger would be so fantastic.

xxxxxx

travellingwilbury · 03/08/2009 07:38

Good morning all x

Shabs that must have been so hard to bump into him like that understatement of the century). If anyone had told me how I would have reacted to all this shite I would have laughed at them . I am a feisty bugger but some of the things I have nodded and smiled through really shocks me sometimes .

fmummy , I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning . xx

shabster · 03/08/2009 07:45

Morning girls. It was very hard TW - all I can say is God help him if I were to see him now

Olissa · 03/08/2009 14:50

I'm sorry so many of us are having a tough time at the moment

FWIW I think I keep quiet because I don't want to be seen as any more 'crazy' or 'anxious' than I already am (having been under the care of the psych team for years, admitted once, shedloads of drugs, you'd think I'd be used to it). But I was still upset when the CMW wrote that I was 'currently depressed' and 'anxious about another NND' in my notes for this one. Grrr. Anyone would be anxious surely, and I'm not 'currently depressed'!

I hope you are feeling better today Frasersmummy. In some ways I think it must be harder having something or someone that might be to blame. I have absolutely no idea what went wrong with C and TBH for the minute I have given up thinking about it.

Hope you are feeling a bit more chipper too Lottie... of course you and Wilf come as a team, and a good team at that. I sincerely hope someone lovely comes along who can see that too.

Today is the anniversary of Caitie's death. I felt a lot worse on her birthday, I think because I was thinking about what might have been. Today feels much more like any other day. I wish the florist would hurry up with these flowers from my parents though, the cemetery shuts at 4.

That sounds really unfeeling. But it is how I feel.

Love to all x

charleymouse · 03/08/2009 15:15

Birthday wishes Caitie, will light a candle this evening Olissa.

Hope you are all well. Unfortunately we are all normal grief just takes a bit of getting used to.

Now 22 weeks, anomaly scan all okay. Although now I know how unreliable these are I can not fully relax but trying to enjoy this pregnancy.

Blardy pregnancy hormones bit me right on the bum on Friday when I found out my best friends who have struggled TTC and have just got pregnant via IVF are having twins. I am such a crap friend I have not even returned their call yet as I know I will lose it on the phone and blub. I am in all truthfullness so happy for them they will be great parents but I can only just look at double buggies never mind see twins without wanting to blub.

Take care Love CM

frasersmummy · 03/08/2009 21:04

thanks for the messages of support girls. I think normal service is resuming

I sometimes think anniversary are easier in that people expect you to remember and be sad.. they forget other days are hard too

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.. I am just in from work but will light a candle fo catie for an hour before bed

I dont know that having someone to blame is harder... I ask how and why even though I have some of the answsers.. If I was in your position I would ask it more and drive me and my family demented

cm I am glad so far soo good, we are all praying for a safe and hapy outcome

when you call your friends dont try to be something your not...your friends will understand your tears

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 03/08/2009 21:55

Much love to us all.

Glad to hear things are going well Charleymouse, it's lovely to see you

I've lit a candle here for your darling Caitlin xxx

shabster · 03/08/2009 23:15

Lighting a candle for Caitlin.....thinking about everybody and hoping we all find some peace in our lives xxxxxxx

travellingwilbury · 04/08/2009 07:27

Good morning everyone xx

Sorry I missed Caities anniversary yesterday Olissa . I hope the day went as well as it could . I agree about the birthday being a lot worse . It should be such a happy day and of course it is just shite

I am off to see my dad , step mum and sisters tomorrow for a few days . About 6 hours on the motorway . Oh Joy .
Will be worth it when we get there

Hope everyone is doing ok this morning x

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 04/08/2009 08:01

Morning all.

Enjoy the motorway TW , I hope they help look after the dc so you can have a little break.

travellingwilbury · 04/08/2009 08:13

Thanks Ilike , they are all pretty good thankfully . Apart from my 92 yr old gran , funnily enough she isn't that keen on babysitting

How you doing ?

shabster · 04/08/2009 08:53

Morning girls. xxx

travellingwilbury · 04/08/2009 08:56

hiya Shabs , How you doing ? You don't seem your usual self at the minute ?

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