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Bereavement

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Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 19/07/2009 07:58

Oh FM, your wee boy sounds lovely. I hope you enjoyed the fire engines.

Hi Lighthouse, lovely to hear how you are all doing. When M got past the age when C became ill was a really big deal to us, so I know just how you feel. It's great to hear how well E is doing

Hi TW, it's good to see you back I know just what you mean about computers sucking up your time. I think I may have to start rationing my internet usage

crumpette · 19/07/2009 15:01

Hello,
FM I was crying for ages after I read your post!! Am now about 4 months pregnant so it may be the hormones, but it reminded me of when Lucie died and the sister on intensive care said 'she'll always be the same age'

sniff sniff

Hope everyone's OK?

Computer sucks up so much of my time I may ban it soon, DP thinks I am on dating direct or something, it's become quite hilarious

My grandmother died last week, she was only recently diagnosed with cancer, after L died in April, so it was expected but not this soon. She brought me up and I lived with her as a child so I would ordinarily be devastated, but compared to losing DD it's nothing.

Her funeral is next week- dreading it! I'm not having a good year...!

travellingwilbury · 20/07/2009 07:18

Good morning everyone .

crumpette I am sorry to hear about your grandmother , any funeral is always tough .

Ilike , I remember the day when my boys became their older brothers older brother if that makes sense . It is such an odd feeling , I suddenly felt like a new mum all over again as each stage was a new thing .

I have got my step dad coming to stay over tonight on his way back home to France . He has been over visiting his family as his sister died last week . She was only in her early 40s . So sad .

shabster · 20/07/2009 12:31

Hiya girls.

Tomorrow is my Gareths 27th remember day.......a whole lifetime without him. Today I saw our sign that the boys are with us in Greece - 2 enormous creamy white butterflies that flew around the swimming pool and 'danced' together just above the water. They stayed for about 20 minutes - just two perfect butterflies that appeared from nowhere. xxx

Olissa · 20/07/2009 13:49

Hi everybody, haven't been about again as my youngest sister has been to visit - she's 16 and seems really grown up all of a sudden!

Crumpette, I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope the funeral goes OK.

Shabs, hope you are having a good holiday and will be thinking of you tomorrow.

FM, what Ross said made me well up too! I'm pleased to hear your mum is so much better though.

I've had my scan this morning and my EDD's been put back (which I was expecting) to 25/01 - so I think I will call this baby Haggis

It's Caitlin's birthday a week on Wednesday. We haven't decided what to do yet but we will all be home together as DH doesn't work Wednesdays, which is good. The cemetery are doing a special evening event this Wednesday for families who have been bereaved in the last year, so we might go along to that as well.

Love to all x

hazygirl · 20/07/2009 14:33

morning girls,hope everyone ok ,thats lovely about butterflys shabs,they are so lovely xhope everyone ok .

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 20/07/2009 16:43

So sorry to hear about your Grandma Crumpette.

I'll be thinking of you and your dalring Gareth tomorrow Shabs.

olissa your dd's birthday is the day before C's birthday

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 20/07/2009 16:44

Oh and lovely news on the scan Olissa. How are you feeling? Knackered or are you one of those annoying woman who bloom?

lottiejenkins · 20/07/2009 16:53

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/793805-How-could-i-not-laugh

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 20/07/2009 16:55

Gahhhhhh

I have been having a sort out and found a notebook and pens I bought just before Cole died.

I had written on the front page the date I bought it and all of our names

God I miss him and I can feel the grief swelling as it's his birthday next week.

travellingwilbury · 21/07/2009 06:39

Good morning everyone

Shabs , a candle will be lit here for Gareth today . I love the story of the butterflies , I am sure your boys are keeping an eye on you out there .

Ilike , the build up to these days is so tough isn't it ? That must have been a real punch in the stomach to find the notebook . Such a simple thing means so much now . I hope you are ok today x

I am pooped , I am looking after my god daughter for a few days this week which is lovely but it has made me a wee bit tired . I am off to France on thursday to see my parents . I am looking forward to getting there but not the 5 1/2 hour ferry journey with two lively boys .

I hope everyone is ok this morning .

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 21/07/2009 07:37

Morning all.

A candle will be lit here today for Gareth. I'll be thinking of you all xxx

Am feeling better this morning thanks TW.

Where abouts if France are you off to TW? We're off to Normandy in August.

travellingwilbury · 21/07/2009 08:11

We are going to Normandy too . My mum has got a b and b there . I am really looking forward to it . I need to get away , I have got till tomorrow to decide wether or not to take voluntary redundancy and I have no idea what to do . At least once I am over there I can forget about it .

Glad you are feeling a bit better this morning x

hazygirl · 21/07/2009 12:32

shabs thinking of you todayx candle lit herex

lottiejenkins · 21/07/2009 17:43

Thinking of you and your family today Shabs xx

shabster · 21/07/2009 18:29

Thank you so much girls - it feels very good to have people who 'know.' I appreciate your friendship and affection so very much - thank you xxx

shabster · 21/07/2009 20:58

For the first time ever all the new people I have met on holiday I have talked about my four sons as if they are all physically here the 'important' people who know me - the owner and all his extended family know my story - I made a decision to brag about my four sons - 27 year old twins, a 25 year old single boy and Tom - a 11 year old who will turn 12 on Friday....they are having a suprise birthday party for Tommy - making him a cake etc. In the words of the song from Fiddler on the Roof - 'If I was a rich man' I think I would choose to spend many months amongst my Greek friends.

Thelighthousekeeper · 21/07/2009 22:02

Hi everyone,

Shabs a candle is lit here for Gareth, thinking of you and your family today. x

Hope you have a fab holiday TW.

travellingwilbury · 22/07/2009 06:38

Good morning everyone

Shabs I have been tempted to do that many a time but never have . The "How many children" question always makes me stumble .

Well done you for finding a way round it that suits you . IOt sounds like your friends over there are a real life saver .

I have got to pack today , I have sorted most of the clothes it is mostly just the row about which toys to take that we have to get through

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 22/07/2009 14:31

I feel like I'll never have the right answer to the how many children do you have question.

Have you made a decision about your job TW?

travellingwilbury · 22/07/2009 16:37

Hiya all , it is very quiet here , hopefully that means everyone is doing ok at the min x

I have decided to stay where I am for the min and take the new job they are offering , they have agreed in principal I won't have to change my hours so fingers crossed it will be ok .
It has given me a lot to think about , once Daniel is at school I think I will look into the palliative care team .

Ilike , I have tried so many times to come up with a good answer to that question but I just can't . I struggle with the fact that the people at the school gates and people I only know to say hello to probably have no idea about Harry .

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 22/07/2009 17:15

It's an odd situation to be in isn't it? When meeting new people, until they are aware of Cole I feel like I am hiding a huge secret and that there is a barrier between them (the new friend) and me. I almost feel like I need to blurt it out upon meeting them so I get it over and done with.

I think you'll be an absolute bonus to a palliative care team TW. It's such an important role that not everybody is aware of, and what an important part it plays.

travellingwilbury · 22/07/2009 17:39

Thankyou Ilike , thats a lovely thing to say .

I know what you mean about the secret between you and a new friend . It feels like I am lying to them until they know about Harry . But it is just such a hard conversation to have with anyone . I am also surprised sometimes about people who do know but never say anything , and then when I build up the courage it seems really odd they knew all along .

crumpette · 22/07/2009 19:33

Hello, my grandmother's funeral is on monday. Thanks for kind words everyone, I got a message from family member requesting that I got a particular type of flowers etc- I mean, really, do they think I have even thought about flowers? It was only 2 or 3 months ago that it was L's funeral, it's as if everyone's forgotten about her already...

sorry for that vent! am dreading it... argh...

crumpette · 22/07/2009 20:59

TW just read about palliative care job plan- from my limited experience of all of this I have to say you would be fantastic, you have empathy experience tact and intelligence in bucketloads. No doubt due to what you have been through but you would be able to help many people.

Sorry about earlier vent, it just upsets me from time to time that I seem to be the only one who remembers DD, I can't really explain it but she was with us for over a year and was such a character and it's as if the consensus is 'well she was only a baby.. it's not as bad as a grown-up dying..you're having another one anyway' (thats a quote..ehem...) so yeah. grrr

All on holiday/going away I am very jealous! DP is refusing hols this year due to risk of swine flu (I personally think the risk in central london where we live is probably worse than somewhere sunny in the south of france...!) x

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