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Bereavement

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Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
shabster · 19/06/2009 00:01

This describes how I feel and the kind of week it has been

Many apologies to Everlong, if you are lurking and reading my darling I know this song reminds you of Oli and you played it at his funeral. You and Oli introduced me to this beautiful song.

Its so beautiful.

shabster · 19/06/2009 06:29

Good morning girls - thank God its Friday xx

lottiejenkins · 19/06/2009 08:09

Morning all, Im not looking forward to Sunday at all.... Wilf has asked to put a Fathers Day card on Franks grave..........I wont be going to Dads grave, its not possible to get there and due to circumstances after he died i would find it hard to go there at the moment!

Thelighthousekeeper · 19/06/2009 20:52

Evening all!

How has today been Shabs? You and Tom have been very much in my thoughts. xx

Olissa · 19/06/2009 21:59

Evening all...
Shabs, I hope Tom gets some decent support from school soon, what a nightmare - not surprised you are angry. Hoping for a better week next week for you and him.
Well done Lottie! I am terrified of birds too. There was a half dead one (courtesy of one of my cats) under a chair the other week and it flew out when I was hoovering. I screamed fit to bust. There are also loads of geese by the river, I have had to fend one off with an umbrella before now. Ugh.
I got on OK with the midwife today, feel a little flat now but not sure why. Hope everyone else is doing alright x

shabster · 20/06/2009 09:27

Good morning girls xx

Toms account of the story was believed yesterday!! The girl involved said she thought it was an accident that got blown out of proportion by the boys. Tom was very, very distressed in the meeting apparantly poor lad.

He looks so relieved. Looking forward to seeing the teacher on Monday because I have several things I want to speak to her about she will not forget me in a hurry and I WILL remain calm and get my feelings across.

lottiejenkins · 20/06/2009 19:21

I found this Poem in Gloria Hunnifords second book................
MASQUES KAREN NELSON

In idle conversation
You ask me about
My Children
You are an aquaintance
I do not know you well
And so i don a masque.
I speak happily of joys,
Light heartedly of mischief,
But I do not speak
Of death.

I do not want to see
The shadow of uncertainty
Pass your face
And feel the
Awkward silence that falls
Like a curtain between us.
I do not want to say
"Its ok that was a long time ago"
It will never be quite "ok",
And sometimes it seems
As if it happened yesterday.

And so I take my masque
Along with me through life
Like a perpetual Halloween night,
To hide just a bit from people
And to persevere my strength.
For mourning is tiring,
And each time I recount
That day of death,
I am a little wearied.
I would much rather speak
Of the joys of life
Than the sorrows of his death
To strangers who absently ask
Of children.

Yet traged is more universal
Than ever I had known
Before it touched my life.
And so many times i wonder
Who else looks out
From behind a masque.

I thought this was so perfect for us Mums.

lottiejenkins · 20/06/2009 19:23

Third verse persevere should be preserve

frasersmummy · 20/06/2009 21:06

I am glad it went well for Tom Shabs. I will be thinking of you on MOnday. I still have all these joys to come!!!!

I considered getting Gloria's book just last week but then I discovered that Caron Keating died on the same day as Fraser - 13 April 2004 and that put me off.Weird I know but I guess you girls understand

chegirl · 20/06/2009 21:52

Hello ladies,

I havent logged on for two days which is unheard off!

Had a horrible week and thought I'd better stay away from everyone for a while.

Sorry about your Tom Shabs. Little buggers! How DARE they upset your boy like that. I am glad its getting sorted. How wonderful that he can talk to his mum.

I will be thinking of lots of people tommorow. Fathers day is difficult for so many reasons. Another reminder

I dont think I could manage to read Gloria's book. Its just too hard. I know that she was very kind to a friend of mine who lost her daughter two years after my Billie. They were on the ward together. I thought she was the one that got away

There is a film coming out 'my sister's keeper'. I read it when Billie was ill. I thought she would get well at the time or I could never of managed it. Well now it seems to be on the bloody tv every bloody 5 bloody minutes and its driving me bonkers.

Thinking of you all x

shabster · 21/06/2009 07:24

Good morning girls xx

frasersmummy · 21/06/2009 09:10

morning girls

Thinking of all our families this morning.

All our dp/dh's who notice the gap in their family this morning more than ever

All our own dad's whether here or already departed and sorely missed

those who dp/dh are not here to see their ds/dd grow a little more each day

and those of a certain age who cant believe their dd/ds is a mum/dad

you are all in my thoughts and prayers this morning

shabster · 21/06/2009 09:19

oh Frasersmammy - what beautiful, beautiful words. You made me have a small cry - not a bad cry - just a small one

I fit the 'certain age' bracket - cannot believe my wonderful firstborn is a Daddy - yet another double edged sword - I often wonder if Gareth and Matt would be daddys now....

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 21/06/2009 09:52

Lovely words FM.

M has brought so much love and light back into our world, but it's days like today that make us really realise there is still a C shaped hole in our lives, and that there always will be.

Love to us all xxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 21/06/2009 09:53

Shabs, I'm so sorry with what's been going on with T. I don't have any wrods of wisdom, but I hope you can all get this sorted, and soon xxx

Olissa · 21/06/2009 21:54

That is lovely, FM.
Shabs, I'm so glad they believed Tom, I hope things get better for him soon.

Olissa · 21/06/2009 22:05

I've linked our thread for a lady called Verunka who has just lost her baby DD, she has a thread of her own here
Hopefully she will find us if she feels like talking.

shabster · 22/06/2009 00:38

Have added a message....hope she will come and join us - none of us want to be here but we get by with each others help xxxx

shabster · 22/06/2009 06:18

Good morning girls xx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 22/06/2009 08:21

Morning all.

Olissa, I meant to say yesterday that all is well with the MW. You feeling ok in yourself? I'll take a look at the thread you linked too xxx

frasersmummy · 22/06/2009 09:46

another poor mum who's been told "we dont know"

honestly in this day and age the medical community cant keep shrugging their shoulders like this

They dont seem to realise how this impacts families for the rest of their life.. if they did they would do something about it

Olissa · 22/06/2009 10:02

I've come to think that not knowing is better than knowing it was something that might happen again, IYKWIM - but DH disagrees! So, so hard. Like the title says, it's about learning to live with the questions, I guess. Pretty steep learning curve.

Ilike, I'm not too bad thanks although I have a UTI and am starting ABs today (this always happens, I only have one kidney and it can be a bit crap!)

Love to all x

shabster · 23/06/2009 06:59

Good morning xx

lottiejenkins · 23/06/2009 07:22

Morning all, up bright and early here as I have to make a birthday cake. One of the early girlies has a 40th tomorrow and i volunteered to make the surprise cake!!

lottiejenkins · 23/06/2009 20:19

Hi girls, am in a really bad place tonight, my neighbours husband round the corner died really suddenly tonight.......... I am finding it so hard as all the memories of Frank come back, he was such a lovely friendly genuine guy, i couldnt ask them to my party as i had invited so many people. His wife is the loveliest lady you could wish to meet. When i had my accident on my pushbike a few years ago it was her house whos door i banged on. They have a 17 year old daughter as well. I am totally cut up about it. Ive been crying. Why is life so fucking unfair?