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Bereavement

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Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
shabster · 30/05/2009 07:44

Good morning girls xx

marmitemonster · 30/05/2009 11:15

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lottiejenkins · 30/05/2009 14:58

Hi all.......... I have the FA Cup blasting out behind me! Ive just listened to a beautiful version of Abide With Me being sung always makes me cry!

marmitemonster · 30/05/2009 17:57

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frasersmummy · 30/05/2009 18:08

aww marmite..are you going to go back full time

The first few weeks I went back short days.. this might sound callous but it was actually a relief to think of something different for a few hours.I hope it goes well

I do remember my team leader was upset about me talking about Fraser.. she told me off for upsetting people...

marmitemonster · 30/05/2009 18:43

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frasersmummy · 30/05/2009 19:04

It is hard going back to "normality" marmite. it feels soo wrong doesnt it ??

You will probs find colleagues will react in different ways.. some will be brilliant and some will make you want to scream..

I hope it goes well on Monday.. we are all right behind you

Thelighthousekeeper · 30/05/2009 19:24

Hi,

Marmite - if you think you'd be locked up than I would probably have to join you! Those exact thoughts had crossed my mind too!
Hope things will go well for you on Monday, Will be thinking of you. Many congratulations by the way on the new pregnancy. When are you due? (am still trying to catch up!)
Congrats to you too Olissa.

Hope everyone has been enjoying the weather. xx

shabster · 31/05/2009 08:53

Good morning xx

frasersmummy · 31/05/2009 11:36

morning.. its been fabulous weather all weekend up here... I have soo much to do yet and I find myself chilling in the garden

Wont be that when I am not ready to go on holiday on Saturday (off down to the lakes for a week)

hope everyone is ok..

marmite how are you holding up .. if you feel really bad you dont have to go tomorrow you really dont...

dont be bullied into it

marmitemonster · 31/05/2009 16:40

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lottiejenkins · 31/05/2009 18:16

Im sorry if this sounds blunt marmite but i think your DP needs to sort his priorities out.... why should you pay his Mums mortgage
? If that sounds harsh i apologise but he should put you and your health first!! I dont normally speak out like this but i really think hes not being very kind to you!!

marmitemonster · 31/05/2009 19:06

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shabster · 31/05/2009 20:13

Marmite - I had similar stuff from my DH when I lost the boys....to be honest, there were many times when I wish he would just leave...I had years and years of mental abuse. My advice, knowing what I know now, would be let him go, let him stew, dont contact him, be strong and stand tall. When he comes to his senses and realises his stupidity things will improve.

Olissa · 31/05/2009 20:42

Marmite, that sounds scary - migraine maybe? I used to get them a lot but it's much less now and hardly ever when pregnant (this is my third pregnancy in just over three years!) I'm glad you're not going back to work tomorrow, good luck for Wednesday if you do go back, but please please don't feel you have to if you're not up to it, physically or otherwise. Oh, and I will get in the queue to give your DP a slap.

Frasersmummy where are you going? I grew up in Cumbria, I may have recommendations for you... (although another friend went to the Lakes recently and I found looking at the photos odd - reminded me of school trips.

Lighthouse and/or Hazy, would you mind telling me a little bit about CONI, or pointing me in the direction of some decent info? Caitie's death was unexplained - she stopped breathing in her sleep but we were still in hospital and they managed to resusitate her, but she had sustained too much brain damage to survive... not sure if we would meet the criteria or not. I hope you don't mind me asking.

Love to everyone x

frasersmummy · 31/05/2009 20:47

I hate going on holiday and leaving Fraser behind

so today I did the only practical thing I could do..I went to his garden, tidied it up and cleaned his headstone

why is this all I can do for my darling first born son

why isnt he here with me excited about going on holiday

why is life so bloody hard

and why me???? why bloody me.. what did I do to deserve this life long sentence.?????

sorry for the rant

shabster · 31/05/2009 21:56

Awwww FMammy - I know that feeling. Must admit every year we go to Rhodes we get a 'sign' that Gareth and Matt are with us. Usually two butterflies.....we go to the pool every day and they have a cafe bar next to it. They play English music all day - a song will come on that reminds me of the boys and the butterflies arrive....I hope Fraser lets you know he is with you. Have a wonderful time my darling...if you get lost on your travels and you see a roadsign for Bolton - come and visit...would love to see you xxxx

Also wish I knew the answers to your questions xxx

Thelighthousekeeper · 31/05/2009 23:14

Olissa - Of course I don't mind you asking. From what you say I would have thought you would be able to join the scheme (that is if they run it in your area as some parts of the county don't) Probably best if you look at this link www.fsid.org.uk/coni.html which tells you all about it. We were referred by our GP when I went to see him once I found out I was pregnant again and saw someone at our local hospital about it. They arranged it all for us and have been fantastic. we have a breathing monitor for Elodie which I find very reasurring as it gives a click everytime she breaths (although we have had some false alarms which is very frightening - only yesterday the alarm went off twice during the day and then again several times during the night so we ended up at the hospital in the early hours of this morning having her checked over - that is the downside to the monitor as we had been told this can happen for no reason! We have also been seeing our health visitor twice a week and Elodie is weighed once/twice a week too. And then we also have a daily symptom diary to fill out and open access to our local childrens ward. We were also given resuscitation training. We were told we didn't have to have all this and could pick and choose what elements we went for. Hope this helps. If you want to know anything else just let me know.

FM - I wish there was something I could say that would help, but I know there's nothing any of us can say just know that we know how you feel and we are thinking of you. I do hope you have a lovely break.

It's been quite a stressful weekend here what with Elodie and then today we spent the afternoon in A&E as DH was bitten by the dog when he tried to give him his medicine this morning as the dog has been rather poorly this week!

shabster · 01/06/2009 06:19

Morning girls xx

travellingwilbury · 01/06/2009 06:49

Good morning everyone x

frasersmummy , I know that feeling very well , the first time we went away the yr after Harry died I was a mess . We didn't book anything until the morning we wanted to leave because we just didn't know if we would be able to do it . We did go and we did have a good time . The ont thing I always do when I go anywhere now is find a local church and light a candle . It makes me feel like I have brought him with me or at least just let him know I haven't forgotten him .

shabster · 01/06/2009 07:01

TW that is a wonderful idea...there is a local church just up the road from our hotel and I think I will copy your idea if you dont mind

travellingwilbury · 01/06/2009 07:12

Of course not x I do find it helps xx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 01/06/2009 20:57

Hugs FM, and I wish I had some answers for you.

Infact hugs to all of us xxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 01/06/2009 20:58

Oh, and I meant to say, Dee if you are lurking I hope you are all ok xxx

Deemented · 01/06/2009 21:28

I'm here now, as it happens. Thanks to you all for keeping Ciaran's thread going for me.

I've got some stuff going on in my ife right now... and well... i don't really have anyone to talk to about it and i'm kinda getting my head around it. I've made a silly mistake and it seems i'm in the family way. Can't even write the P word. Add that to the fact that dd has been very ill for the last ten days with suspected measles... and well my heads kinda fried right now.

I think of you guys often though, and i hope to join in a little more when things in life are a little clearer. Love to you all xxxx

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