Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 18:51

Message withdrawn

shabster · 22/05/2009 19:05

You did what you could with what you had at the time Marmite. xx

marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 19:57

Message withdrawn

Olissa · 22/05/2009 20:18

Oh Marmite hindsight is 20/20 vision as they say, you couldn't know what was going to happen - listen to the wise Shabs, my love.
I can't believe he said 'a dry run'. Fair enough, people do grieve in different ways, and me and my DH have had our share of difficulties... but that just seems such a detached thing to say.

Have you been in touch with your work much? They might surprise you - I was pregnant with DD two months after I went back after having DS and no-one said a word, and then after DD died my immediate colleagues were lovely (then I got made redundant!)

I had more to say but DS will not stay in bed! I'll come back later, please take care of yourself xx

Olissa · 22/05/2009 20:30

OK, back...

I just wanted to add to everyone else's comments about the photos - do put them on your profile, I for one would love to see your DD. And I have pictures of my DD up in the house - there are not many of those as she only lived five days, but I still have them up both in the living room and in my bedroom. When I was working I had one of her on my desk next to DS as well. Not weird at all.

Thinking of you, and love to everyone else xx

frasersmummy · 22/05/2009 20:56

Oh marmite my heart goes out to you .. I just want to put my arms around you and tell you it will be ok.. well no it wont be ok but you will be ok. You will come through this. Your grief will never go away but you will learn to live with it.

I dont know what to say about your dp .. it sounds like he doesnt care but then I only know what your have typed about him and I dont know how much you are saying cos of your own state of mind iyswim.

Please believe me when I say you did nothing wrong. You were with your dd right up to the end doing everything you could

who knows why our children are taken from us.. but we do know its not our fault

and no it doesnt have to be a pillow ..there was a thread on here the other day .. if you had just one punch with no recriminations who would you punch.. I would punch the lazy/incompetent midwife who I blame for Frasers death.. wanna help???????

hazygirl · 22/05/2009 21:12

marmite,im realy sorry that you are feeling so bad,we all just want to hug you ,the early days are so awful,i watched my dd go through hell,she survived .the great girls on here supported me ,my granddaughter was born nine months later,shes fine,wonderful.
im sorry your dp is been an arse ,come here rant,rave youll feel better.[but you can still give dp a slap]xxxx
big hugsxx

shabster · 23/05/2009 01:18

Good night girls.....see you in the morning it is warm and wet here tonight...horrible, proper mozzy weather. Holding you all close in my heart xx

frasersmummy · 23/05/2009 08:11

morning girls .. not like me to be up first...

were you all up too late drinking vino last night

another day .. another step along this journey..come on marmite gives us your hand let us help you onto the path

shabster · 23/05/2009 08:15

Good morning girls - and, yes, I was on the slosh last night but am kind of bright eyed and bushy tailed today xx

marmitemonster · 23/05/2009 10:14

Message withdrawn

gardeningmum05 · 23/05/2009 12:05

sorry, just got in from work.
oh dear marmite, you need some serious support.
i really dont know what to say about your partner, i am lost for words really.
are you close to your family, could you go stay with a family member get your head together a little bit.
you have been through so much in such a short space of time,childbirth, death, funeral..you need some rest love

frasersmummy · 23/05/2009 12:12

"you blew that"..... oh my god I would have punched him !! You dont need someone that nasty in your life right now.

You need time and space to grieve... I remember sitting in my mum's afternoon after afternoon, she just held my hand while I cried and when I said I feel really empty she just said "I know"

Do you have someone you can do this with cos obviously dp is not that someone??

marmitemonster · 23/05/2009 15:04

Message withdrawn

hazygirl · 23/05/2009 16:40

marmite how about bothxx

lottiejenkins · 23/05/2009 18:49

Marmite im sorry you are having such a horrible time at the moment...........
im off out tonight with Ali to the local beer festival, we are going with her stepson who is somewhat wired....... some of you know what im talking about!

marmitemonster · 23/05/2009 19:26

Message withdrawn

frasersmummy · 23/05/2009 19:36

A friend.. someone with whom you can be weak

I think this is soo true of this thread

Marmite please dont apologise. I am sorry if you thoughtI meant you shouldnt moan at us.. I really really didnt.

This thread has been a lifeline for me and hope it will be for you too

I would like to put out a missing persons report for Feedmenow..

fmn if you are out there you are in my thoughts a lot... how are you doing .. how's your dd??

marmitemonster · 23/05/2009 19:52

Message withdrawn

shabster · 24/05/2009 01:11

Frasersmammy - I will hunt down FMN on Facebook and tell her to get her arse bum on here! xx

Good night girls xx

hazygirl · 24/05/2009 05:44

morning girls xx big hugs to all ,be back later as going to workx

shabster · 24/05/2009 08:36

Morning girls xx

frasersmummy · 24/05/2009 08:37

who goes to work at 5.45 on a sunday morning????????

Hope that means you come home early too hazy

Its gorgeous here in Glasgow and Ross is demanding a trip to the beach .. If I thought the weather would hold I would be packing a bag..

think I will hold off till abou 10am and then make a decision

lottiejenkins · 24/05/2009 08:49

Morning all........... I feel quite ok at the moment, i rather suspect my hangover will arrive this afternoon, Im having some trouble with friends at the moment, i have upset one of them by talking about Jack, didnt realise that a similar thing had happened in their family and apparently ive brought back memories and they are finding it difficult being with me, but they dont wanna talk about it either. They dont know that I know a third person told me!

frasersmummy · 24/05/2009 08:56

Thats a hard one Lottie

If one of my newer friends came here and talked about the little one they had lost I would tell them about Fraser. It would probs lead to one of those mad conversations that go. oh sorry didnt mean to upset you , no you didnt just thought you should know etc etc and would end in a joint bubble and a glass of wine. Not telling them is obviously going to make it akward as you have just proved. I thnk they are making it hard on themselves and their friends.

Can you maybe send them a little card that simply says.. I have just learned of your very sad loss.. I am here if you want to talk..

Swipe left for the next trending thread