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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Ciaran's Thread For Bereaved Mammies... Where It's Not About Finding The Answers, It's About Learning To Live With The Questions...

984 replies

Deemented · 03/05/2009 16:54

Many many thanks to TW and Harry for passing the baton to myself and Ciaran.

Ladies, i found this poem, and thought it was particularly apt for this thread.

The Gift of Someone Who Listens

Those of us who have traveled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief.
It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

OP posts:
gardeningmum05 · 22/05/2009 11:51

oh marmite, i assume its just you and your DP, no other children.
am not qualified to give relationship advice out, but i guess this will either make or break the relationship. maybe it will bring you closer.
why dont you book a surprise holiday,even if its only a weekend. gets you away, together, and a chance to talk and both be totally honest, i think thats what i would do

as for going back work, i went back after 4 weeks and did not cope at all, ended off on the sick for 3 months, so be careful.

shabster · 22/05/2009 11:53

The guilt is a totally 'normal' reaction to what has happened - then you will get loads of 'if onlys' , anger etc etc etc.....there is no easy way to deal with this - your heart is broken in two. Vent all you want here my darling....thats what we are all here for - to prop each other up xxxx

marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 12:08

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travellingwilbury · 22/05/2009 12:13

You are not mad at all marmite . Or if you are then so am I .

Do you have any rl support at all ? You do sound very alone right now , does the hospital have someone you could talk to ?

I know when I found out I was pregnant , I had a lot of nutty thoughts ( I didn't have this place then or I would have realised they were completely normal thoughts and feelings) . And I didn't get pregnant for nearly 18 months either so I can only imagine how I would have felt so early on .

marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 12:13

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gardeningmum05 · 22/05/2009 12:16

you are not mad, for a year i thought that the hospital would contact me and tell me there had been an error and she was still alive, honestly, every time there was a knock at the door
marmite, do you have anyone for support, if not speak to your gp and get councilling. you need somebody love

marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 12:19

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marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 12:24

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travellingwilbury · 22/05/2009 12:24

Going away might well be the best thing for you. We went away about 5 weeks after Harry died . It was only for a long weekend but it did us the world of good .To be able to sit together and not feel like everyone is watching you and just waiting for you to break down or waiting for you to smile and then judge you for being heartless .Not that people at home were doing either of these things but in my head they all were .

Nuts me ?

Why does dp think YOU should do a card ? If he feels that strongly couldn't he do it ? I think it is probably too early for you to step foot inside the hosipital . I know that we raised some money for the child development centre that helped look after Harry but it was months before I felt strong enough to go and see what they had done with the money . And I could only go if there was no other children around .

marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 12:41

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marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 12:53

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gardeningmum05 · 22/05/2009 12:56

i have my daughter in my pictures of my profile. we have photos of her everywhere. she is still part of the family for goodness sake your partner is being really unreasonable,we only had a short time with her so very few photos. i would give anything to have more photos, i dont even have one of me with just her and me if i did it would with me contstantly.

travellingwilbury · 22/05/2009 13:02

I would find that really hard

Our house is full of pictures of Harry , in fact over the last yr or so we had to take some down to make space for my other two as there wasn't enough room for them .

shabster · 22/05/2009 13:29

I have pictures everywhere xx

shabster · 22/05/2009 13:30

...and pictures of Matt and Gareth on my profile - I love to see them there along with their brothers xx

frasersmummy · 22/05/2009 13:51

marmite.. I second what the others are saying about a break.. within a few weeks of losing Fraser we took for a 5 days to a caravan. It wasnt far.. but far enough from people who didnt know what to say/do. Time for us to regroup as a couple

The guilt unfortunately is normal. I had a terrible pregnancy and in the last few weeks kept saying I just want this pregnancy to be over .. and then it was so I have thought I wished him gone

Its not disloyal to have another child.. your second child will not replace your dd he/she will just be someone to cuddle and love

The whole waking up and not realising will pass...it will take a while but it will pass..

its really early days marmite.. you will feel realy bad for a long while yet but we have all been there and come through the other side. Try not to look too far ahead .. At the moment your bright moments will be few and far between but they will get more frequent over time and you will be able to smile again

In the meantime you take as much time as you need to cry, scream, punch (a pillow) look at photos etc..

You post on here as much as you want ..thats what this thread is all about.

marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 14:03

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gardeningmum05 · 22/05/2009 14:19

i honestly believe being pregnant will help you get through these early days.
it took me a year to conceive after erin died and i was so depressed. i ended up at the doctors, finally admitted i needed help, she gave me a/depressants. the following day i found i was pregnant, didnt need the tablets, realised what i needed was a child to hold!

june is plenty early to be going back.maybe at work you have an alli, somebody to talk too.

marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 14:25

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marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 14:30

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ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 22/05/2009 14:30

Welcome Marmite, Chris and Maggie. So sorry we have to meet under these circumstances.

Marmite, gardeningmum is right. This pregnancy will get you through this difficult time. Strangely enough I lost my son in the same circumstances as you lost your daughter. A month after he died I was pregnanct, and whilst I had some very conflicting emotions about the new baby, it really did help us both have a positive focus and outlook.

People grieve so differently, so I would say you and your dp just need to talk, talk, talk. Even if it is about things you really don't want to hear. You both have to be open and honest. If the relationship is the right one for both of you you will weather the storm, but it maybe a bumpy ride.

gardeningmum05 · 22/05/2009 17:06

ilike it..you are so right, honestly talking to your partner is so important!
tell each other exactly what you are feeling marmite, you will both grieve differently. i remember having a good day and paul would ring me in tears.

i was terrified in my pregnancy after erin, and worse when he was born. god, i would lie awake all night listening to him breathe and to the ticking of his monitor to proove he was still alive.
when he was a week old he stopped breathing on the way to school with the older 2. it was awful
trying not to panic the kids, got him breathing, lied to the kids that the monitor was faulty, then straight to a&e.
but he is here, a beautiful 2 year old, nattering and driving me mad. and his little brother

believe us marmite, you can get through this, you just cant see the wood for the trees yet. hang in there babe x

marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 18:16

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ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 22/05/2009 18:29

I'm going to be quite blunt here marmite, so apologies in advance if I offend you.

Is your partner always an arse or has this only happened since your dd became ill? If it has only been since she became ill I would suggest it his way of expressing his grief, ie if I show that I don't care, maybe I'll convince myself that I don't and it won't hurt so much.

marmitemonster · 22/05/2009 18:43

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