Harry's thread for bereaved mums , Wether its a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on we are all here one for all and all for one .

[travellingwilbury]

Many thanks to ILike for passing on the baton to myself and Harry . I know we are a bit previous but I am worried I will get the timing wrong .

I feel like I have only been here a wee while but it is invaluable to me .

This is a poem that has helped me in the past .

I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.

Good morning everyone .

FMN we didn't seperate or have any couples councelling but I do think we could have done with it . For a good year probably longer I wouldn't have cared one bit if he had walked out and kept on going . I think for me it was that the worst had happened so who cares what happens next .
How were things between you before you lost Eris ? Once I did start caring I kept clinging on to the fact that we were good once and could get it back . I think the hardest thing is to give a shite one way or the other about it .

It does sound like couples therapy would be a good start and a good safe place to be able to be completely honest with each other .

Okay I need some advice .

We are re mortgaging and sorting out life insurances and boring stuff at the min . Very tedious but needs must and all that .

While my dh was on the phone sorting out the life insurance the woman told him that it included cover for the children as our last policy did . Now this had never entered into our head at any point over the last 7 and half yrs but now we know it what do we do ?

I don't want any money because of Harry going and knowing insurance companies we are probably too late anyway but if its there it would mean we wouldn't have to remortgage . I wish we didn't know about it because we are both now in a complete daze about it .

I would ask the insurance company first of all and see what they say...Then at least you will know if the money is there or not. If it is there then you know you have a decision to make! Hope that makes sense!

thank you for your kind messages, today is hard, but tomorrow has to be better!

if i can butt in with feedmenow , i obviously dont know much about your history, but i did gather that you lost your child a year age. speaking from my own experiance, a year is such a short time, you are still grieving so much. i did not know how bad i was at a year but looking bad i had depression, bad depression.
i believe you need to talk together alone and be totally,totally honest. i found this so hard because i am not a cuddly person. you have both been through so much, you just dont realise. i hope this helps!x

Thinking of you all today gardening I'll be lighting a candle for Erin. Tomorrow will be better and you'll feel a bit lighter.

I think couples therapy would be a good idea fmn. An unbiased opinion and referee is a must in these situations I think.

TW - this is what I would do. Find out if you are still entitled to the money. If you are, take it and put in a savings account until you are ready to deal with it. Maybe seeing it from the perspective that this money will help secure the future for you all will help? It's so hard, but don't see it as gaining from Harry's death. You know damn well that you would prefer Harry to the money any day. You don't need to prove that to anyone.

Lighting a candle here in Lancashire for Erin. Tomorrow will be better xx

Gardening a candle is lit here for Erin.

I hope you find some peace today .

Thinking of you and yours today gardening and will light a candle for Erin.
TW I too would find out if I was entitled to the money still, and then think about how to deal with it. I can see where you are coming from, but not having to remortgage would be a big thing. DH and I often think that we wouldn't have our house if MIL hadn't died and it's not the most pleasant thought...
FMN I really feel for you and think you are being incredibly strong. I'm not as far down this road as you (seven and a half months for me!) but I do have a long history of depression and have seen a lot of counsellors and therapists in my time. I think counselling can be great but counsellors are like shoes and aren't comfortable if they don't fit properly. I think I would give it a go, but be aware that you might need to see more than one person to get a good fit, and that sometimes these things can make you feel worse before you feel better. I don't want to put you off, it can be invaluable, and having someone impartial there is a big help. I've found it useful because DH tends to hide in another room when he thinks I want to discuss anything deep and meaningful.
Our biggest issue at the moment is that I want to have another baby and he doesn't, in fact he's said he's not sure he ever will . Most other people just tell me they think it is too soon (grrrrr) Mind you I got pg with Caitlin when DS was 11 months and they all said the same thing then
Speaking of counselling and therapy, must go and tidy up before my CPN gets here to inspect the new and improved drug-free me (off ADs for two weeks and counting).
Speak to you all soon x

Olissa I was like your dh after Harry died , my dh wanted to try again quite soon but I just couldn't imagine ever putting myself through it all again and risking my heart breaking . About 18mths after we lost him I was ready to try again and we were lucky to get pregnant very quickly and we now have 2 gorgeous boys .

olissa, thankyou for your kind message.

i suffered depression after losing my daughter but i didnt know it. exactly a year after her death i admitted it to myself and booked to see the doctor.
she gave me anti-depressants and i took one. the following day i found out i was pregnant with my ds and i didnt need them. i know we all cope differently but i needed to be a mum again so badly, i just never stood back and let myself think!
hope this helps

I have missed Gardening and Erin's introduction while I have been gone, but I have lit my candle here for her none the less. xx

Thank you all for your candid responses. It is helpful to know we are not the only ones who have struggled as a couple. In my mind, everyone else seems to pull together more and become stronger through their grief. I think I will look into conselling today.

Olissa, good luck with the CPN!

Travelling, I think Ilike has made a spot on suggestion about the insurance, I agree with her idea completely. But you will do what is best for you, and that is absolutely fine. x

hope you work it out feedmenow.
why dont you go out for a meal, just the 2 of you. my dp and i very rarely get to do this, but when we do its great, like a date

thankyou to everyone for your kind messages and gor all those who lit a candle for erin. we took an easter bunny up to her grave today
and a big cuddly flower. we stood and i thought how colourful her grave looked, all flowers and cuddly toys then i thought so bl*y what, we shouldnt be here.
my eldest son was abit weepy, but he seems ok now.
anyway, bring on tomorrow and lets hope the sun is smiling down on us all again, gonna have to get the fake tan out at this rate

And shave/wax! I'm like the Beast of Bodmin and can't even consider showing any of me until I have seriously de-fuzzed!

FMN xx

Night night my dear friends xx

Morning girls xx

Good morning everyone , thanks for all the advice re the insurance . My dh is going to try and contact them this week to find out if we can make a claim and then we will figure out what we are going to do . There is so much we could do with the money but I think if we get any which will be a BIG IF after all this time then I think we will just put it off the mortgage . That way its invisible money if that makes sense . I don't think either of us could handle having something new with the money as every time we used it or looked at it we would remember how we could afford it and it would be too hard.

Hi folks.

God, i'm a bit crap, aren't i? Im sorry for not being around... do you ever feel that sometimes it's all a bit much, and you just can't cope with anything else? I guess that's where i'm at at the moment. It's selfish, i know... but it's just how i feel. A lady i know from forumsville has just had a baby and she's very sick - it's tuch and go - and i've been trying to support her, and my sister is really struggling with my mum not being here, and i have to go up to Lancs this weekend to support her... and i just feel like i'm giving to everyone else... but don't have anyone i can lean on. It's a lonely place to be.

Anyways, i promise to try and be about a bit more - i do appreciate the fact that i can come here and vent a little and you guys just understand.

Morning tw. Good idea about what to do with the money.

Have a good day everyone

Hi Dee , you vent away . What you are feeling doesn't sound selfish at all to me . I hope things take a turn for the better all round for you .

Morning ILike hows you today ?

Good to see you Dee - know exactly what you mean - try not to stretch yourself out too far. LOL I am sooooooooo good at giving advice - shame I dont listen to myself

Morning all. xx

hi girls hope everyone feeling ok,the weather is good here and the garden is yack at the moment but cant get myself to sort it,its a bit crappy at moment,ds had a bit of set back ,well big one got drunk and got into a pub brawl,we found out through someone else of course ,and i was upset ,annoyed and worried as hes still on medication,anyway hes promised to go back on wagon,yes he let everyone down including himself but well hope he can do it.
youngest dd leaves home on 9th next month so keeping myself going ,shes excited ,im scared not sure how i will cope just me and dh,he wants me to find a day job,cant understand why anyone works nights when they dont have to,but it suits me,i like been unsociable if you know what i mean.
the thread about the little boy who died in his sleep ,its just awful ,i finished work came home and cried ,its bloody cruel .dd1 came up with the girls and just couldnt hug them enough if you know what i mean.
i just wish i could have one last hug with our little man,i remember when he died one of my friends said whos dd was stillborn ,that she envied us because we saw his eyes open and she said thats all she wanted.i replied i wish we hadnt had them ten weeks because it would hurt as much,god how wrong was i,its over two years and three months now and it dont feel much better,and im so bloody proud of dd1 and hows she copes even though on new ad atm ,i think if she can do it why the hell cant i

Oh Hazy - your lad will find his way back onto the path - I know he will - we are all allowed a slip up now and then. Give him a hug from me. Thinking about all of you today and everyday xxx

You know what my friend? I dont think there is an easier way through the grief we are all going through. I sometimes think if my boys had lived for a shorter time it would have been 'easier' and then I know that no matter what the circumstances and ages are the loss of our precious children and grandchildren is .....is.......there isin't a word to describe it.

....overwhelming....destructive....revolting.....heart breaking....not normal....soul destroying...those words multiplied by a million others might be right?