Harry's thread for bereaved mums , Wether its a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on we are all here one for all and all for one .

[travellingwilbury]

Many thanks to ILike for passing on the baton to myself and Harry . I know we are a bit previous but I am worried I will get the timing wrong .

I feel like I have only been here a wee while but it is invaluable to me .

This is a poem that has helped me in the past .

I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.

Now i really think i have upset someone!! I came down into the kitchen this morning to find the worktop swarming in farking ants!!! No exaggeration about 100 of the blighters!! I have to take everything off the top and clean it with a bleach solution!! Marley and Me was great! If you go then take some tissues for the end!!

Hello everyone, welcome gardeningmum, I've only just found this bunch myself. Will be thinking of you and little Erin tomorrow (I love the name Erin, BTW)
Had a mostly nice evening with our friends yesterday (stayed overnight) but they announced they are expecting another baby in November and I'm having a bit of a mixed reaction...just seem to be surrounded by babies and pregnant women at the moment, of course I am very happy for them but I'm also finding it hard. I'd like to try for another myself but DH isn't ready. Still, I think they understood my oddness!
Lottie, my bathroom seems to have been invaded by slugs must be some sort of plague.
Hope everyone who was ill is feeling better.

Olissa - I still struggle when I see people who have twins. My twin baby passed away almost 27 years ago but it never stops me feeling very, very envious when I see twins. Your feelings are totally normal darling xxxx

morning girls hope everyone okxx

hi frasersmum
no, they never found a reason for erins death. unfortunately with cotdeath they just dont know. they just think some babies forget to breathe.
we will go upto erins grave obviously but its rubbish buying flowers, we should be buying her a slide for the garden not a poxy bunch of flowers.

anyway, we shall just keep busy and have the occasional weep.
nice to talk to you all.

garden - why not buy a slide for the garden? Something that everyone can enjoy? Erin is always with you - just, sadly, not physically.

This year on my sons 'remember days' I am going to find the biggest sunflowers I can and take them to the grave. Sunflowers have to be the 'happiest' flowers I have ever seen.

Wilfs gone back to school I wish he had taken the farkin ants with him!! they are all over the blardy worktop again!! Can you tell i'm angry?? I always swear when i throw my toys outta the pram!!!

funnily enough, i have spent the afternoon in the garden and one of our jobs was planting sunflower seeds. the other children helped and we planted some for erin that we will take up to her grave when ready.
you can get red sunflowers now so we have done a mixture of both, and we will also plant some in the garden so when we see them we know erin has the same in her garden, kind of makes her feel closer.

why not get your youngest to plant some? i find the older 2 do it and we talk about erin and which ones are hers, its quite thereputic for them i think, or maybe just me, you can only try your best.

Another new thread already! Lovely title travelling. x

Thank you to those who have posted on my other thread. I feel so much calmer now the day has passed. Still can't believe it's been a year. Still can't believe she isn't here in anything other than memory.

Oh ladies, I so don't mean to only come here now when I am down and need help, but I have so little free time! But I am so down and so need help.

As mentioned on other thread, dp has moved out and is staying with a friend at my request. I really feel like I don't like anything about him anymore and that we are better off without him. BUT, I know I am very down and don't feel like I very much like anyone at the moment, nor do I want to spend time with anyone. Curling up under a duvet everyday would be my choice.

I just don't know whether my negative feelings are real and long term or just a bi-product of my general misery and depression.

But I can't muck people about (ie dp and the children. Go away, come back, no go away again.....) and I also know for a fact that regardless of how "real" my dislike of dp is or isn't there are still many things about him that really piss me off that I don't want to ignore.

He can't stay with his friend more than a few days more without making it a more permanent arrangment which means we need to do some serious money sorting - you know, tax credits, child support, etc, etc. There is so much to think about and I just don't have the ability - mentally or emotionally or any way whatsoever.

What am I to do?

Welcome gardening I'll be thinking of and lighting a candle for Erin tomorrow. Welcome to our thread, roll your sleeves up and get stuck in.

FMN - you come here whenever you need us, it doesn't matter under what circumstances. I don't think I have much advice apart from talk to your dp. Say everything you want to say to him, don't hold back. It sounds like it is make or break time, so absolute honesty about how your feel about everything is key. I hope you are getting help from your friends and family - practical and emotional. Maybe right now is not a good time to make any long term decisions? You need to let the dust settle and have a clear head before you make any important decisions.

I was thinking of you and Eris a lot last week. Take care.

Thanks Ilike. I know we need to talk, but its so hard to even find the time to do that. I haven't been able to talk any of it over with friends and family either because I haven't told them whats going on. I know people would be there for me if I asked but the way I am feeling at the moment is that I just don't want to talk.

FMN never worry about what emotions spill out on here. You and Eris are the reason we all have each other.

I can identify so much with what you say about your DP. I know it seems a lot of effort but write down the pro's and con's of living with your DP. Please try to talk to him my darling. xxx

Will come back on later when I get Tom in bedxx

fmn I dont have anything helpful to say. Having to deal with the loss of your child is enough to strain the strongest relationship. Add all the worry of Kiyrrie (have I spelt that wrong .. sorry if Ihave )and its no wonder things are hard. Some of the others may have more useful advice

Dont dare feel bad about coming along when you need support .. if it wasnt for your bravery a year ago none of us would have somewhere to turn for support tonight

take care fmn

My DH has just gone out so I can post without him reading over my shoulder!!! We coped with the death of our sons in totally different ways. I became the person propping all my family up. I resented everybody, especially my DH, for this. Still do sometimes when I am down. I dont know what to advise you should do FMN - I really dont have a clue. The only thing I can say is honest, straight talking.

Please keep posting whenever you get the chance. xxxxx

Thank you all.

I just so wish I had a clear head at the moment cos I really need to know what I'm doing. But I feel so cloudy and foggy in my mind. It's always so hard when its your own problems, isn't it? When other people tell their woes I can be so objective of what they should do, but when it comes to me and my own problems I am useless!

I've never been good at seperating head from heart and I often don't know whether I feel or think something because I really feel or think it or because I THINK I should feel or think it! Always double bluffing myself, me!

And this is a time when I could really do without any of that.

Goodness, I feel ever so sad and lonely at the moment. Unfortunately I'm not a stranger to depression, but at least I know why I feel so shit and that it won't last for ever. I just need to get through this first bit.

FMN - I used to feel lonley and sad even if I was in a room with 100 people that I knew. Its an awful, awful feeling. xxxx

Shabs, just crossed posts.

Tell me, did you ever seperate? How did you get through if you did (and still sometimes do) feel resentful?

Cos one of the things I can't stand the most is that I have to be the grown up all the time. It's what I have to do in every day life with the children and the house and the pets and the money. And when Eris dies it was me that sorted everything (or at least, thats how I feel) and with the pg with Kyirrie it was me that had to know everything and remember everything, and now at home with a baby I feel that everything falls on me. And I HATE it! I really hate having to remember everything for everyone and to sort everything for everyone. Not the children - it is my job to sort and remember for them, but for dp!

But the thing is, he can't change who he is and he can't change the fact that he is shit with remembering and organising. So do I accept that he can't be different and live with it or do I cut my losses?

I know none of you can answer this for me, I know we are all differnt.

Has anyone been to couples counselling? Should we try it? Or is it just clutching at straws?

Sorry for rambling, going round in circles.

oh god I've felt that too shabster

and I hate to say this fmn but now the first year has passed people will "expect you to recover from losing eris" making you feel sooo alone

but you are not alone.. we might not have the answers but we are here and listening

FM, I think I am lucky to have a few very good friends around me who will never expect me to be "over" it. Most others have forgotten, of course, but I know that those few others never will.

On Wednesday we lit and released some wish lanterns in the back garden. Hadn't realised they were so big! Dp rang me earlier to say that a few people down the pub had reported or heard reported that some people thought they'd seen UFO's on Wednesday night! Ooops! We live very close to Heathrow - hope we didn't give them a scare too!

Well, children are all asleep here so I'm going to make the most and curl up in bed too.

rofl at ufo's

night fmn

We didn't separate - but 99% of me wished he would just go. I've never actually written this down on MNet but he became very, very violent and abusive. I know thats how he was brought up - when the going got tough in his family they all were physically violent.

We blundered along from day to day. A few months after Matt was killed the one and only house we have ever been buying was re-possessed. We had bills and final demands coming out of our ears. Its making me shake just thinking about it. It was truly one of the most horrendous times in my life.

BUT here we are - on Wednesday it will be our 31st wedding anniversary. Many times I look back and think that apart from my four wonderful sons I have had a wasted life.

FMN - I dont think that couple counselling can do any harm....maybe a chance to say how you feel? Night night darling xx

Morning girls xx

Morning all xx

morning girlsx just going to bedx

Morning Hazy - ok darling? Enjoy your sleep xx