I know i shared the condensed version of Ciaran's story in the other thread, but i'd like to share properly, if tyhat's okay.
Not long after Ciaran's death, i started to write. Not for myself - it's all burned into my memory - but for Brennan. It pains me to know that he will never know Ciaran or have any memories of his own of him, that the only way he will know his brother is through the things i tell him. I wrote things down for him, hoping that one day, when he's old enough to be able to read it, he might just understand why we made the decisions we did.
This is Ciaran's story...
After several attempts at fertility treatment and 2 early miscarriages, we were delighted, but cautious when we found out I was pregnant again. We were scared that this pregnancy would end like the previous two, and we talked about what we might feel if it did. We sat down and rationalised that this was a new beginning for us and we could either just enjoy whatever the pregnancy became, or live in fear of being pregnant and not really enjoy the pregnancy. This time felt completely different though, and we were quite positive, so we decided just to enjoy things and whatever happened, happened. We even joked that we?d end up with triplets. We were nervous when we set off for our very first scan ? eager to see our baby?s heart beating ? but nervous none the less. As I?d had awful morning sickness, we had an idea that we may have been expecting twins, but never did it cross our minds that it may be more than that. As the nurse scanned me, I remember thinking ?please god, let her find a heartbeat.? She scanned me for what seemed like forever, then said??there?s one heartbeat? there?s another?and oh?there?s another ? you?re having triplets!!!. It was a hell of a shock, all your daddy could do was cry ? he was sobbing and laughing at the same time ? and all I could do was laugh ? more out of shock than anything, but we were happy. After the scan we were told to wait to see the consultant. She was very negative about our pregnancy ? we were completely elated, but then when she said we should consider ?selective reduction? of one of our babies, she brought us back down to earth with a bump. The reasons for this were that we would more than likely miscarry all three babies, and therefore it would give our remaining babies a better chance. They sent us away to return in 10 days time. We did think about it.. but after many fruitless hours of discussion ? we decided against it. We thought that after everything we had been through, it was not an option as we had what we were given and somehow we?d manage. To be honest, the thought of having three babies terrified me ? but I knew that because I had your daddy to support me, that we?d manage somehow. I remember the first person that we told was your Auntie Sue ? I rang her straight after coming out of the clinic ? she just kept asking was I joking. No one could believe there were three precious babies inside ? least of all us ? and your grandad?s face when I told him.. well.. it was worth a million dollars. The pregnancy was progressing fine until at 10 weeks, I started to get abdominal cramps. Fearing the worst, I called my midwife, Heilwen, and she sent me down to the early pregnancy unit for an emergency scan. I was utterly petrified ? I really thought that all of my babies would have died ? I thought it was my punishment for wanting all three of you - for perhaps beng greedy. When they scanned me, they had the screen facing away from me, and when the sonographer turned it back to us, she said that we were now having twins. I was completely gutted ? so was your daddy. All we could do was cry ? we had wanted you all so very much. I can vaguely remember the nurses telling us that we had to be strong for our remaining babies, I knew in my heart that they were right, but it still hurt so much.
We plodded on as best we could ? we had the scan photo?s of when there were three of you, and put them in an album ? we?d even nicknamed you ? snap, crackle and pop. We had to carry on because we still had two babies ? hard though it was. I was put under the care of a fabulous doctor, a Mr Moselhi, and was given an appointment to see him near my 12 weeks mark.
At our twelve-week scan, we could see both of you kicking and wriggling around ? it was such an amazing sight ? I had these two new lives in me, and I knew then that I?d moves heaven and earth for them if that?s what it took. Mr Moselhi was lovely, and it was him that told us that there was a possible problem with one of you when the sonographer saw something unusual on the scan. They thought at first that one of our babies had a cyst on it?s umbilical cord, but we were told not to worry too much, and to come back a fortnight later when they would be able to tell us more. That next fortnight we revelled in the fact that we were having twins ? me being me, went out and spent a fortune on books about having twins. As our next scan date drew closer, we didn?t really worry about it, we just enjoyed the fact that we would be seeing both of you again.At that scan we were told that one of the babies had something wrong with it's kidneys, but because the scanning machines weren?t very clear, we had to go to Cardiff for a more detailed scan the next day.
We had the scan, and it was great seeing both our babies jumping around the screen.We even saw one of you kicking the other one!!! We then went into see the foetal medicine doctor, and she just blew our whole world apart. She told us that one of our babies had a condition called Posterior Urethral Valves and that it was going to die. She said it was most certainly a boy as boys only got this condition. We were just utterly stunned. It felt so unreal. Our heads were spinning and we could barely take it all in. She told us that we had three options, firstly we could selectively reduce the sick baby, i.e. give it an injection of sodium to kill it, secondly, we could have a needle inserted every 5 days into the sick baby?s bladder to try and relieve the pressure, or thirdly we could do nothing at all and hope for a miracle. We went for the miracle option. To be honest there was nothing else we could do ? we felt that we just didn?t have a choice.
Putting our baby to sleep was not an option, and trying to relieve the pressure on his bladder wasn?t an option either because every time the inserted a needle into me then into the baby, it would pose a 75% risk of total miscarriage, for both babies. That would have been every time. We didn?t really feel that we had any option but to do nothing, and give our other baby a chance.
The doctor wanted to be sure, so I was sent for a second opinion, and a third, but it all boiled down to the same thing? our baby boy?our Ciaran, was going to die. We decided to call him Ciaran, as we had always said that if we were ever lucky enough to have a boy, Ciaran would be his name ? and so it was.
We walked around in a complete daze for a few weeks... it was all so surreal... ths was the kind of thing you read about in magazines... it happened to other people - not to us, but after the initial shock had worn off, we decided that we needed to cram a whole lifetime of love into the time that we had with Ciaran. I had read that unborn babies can hear things from the womb, so on wet and windy days, we went to the seaside, so that he could hear the waves crashing on the rocks, and on sunny days, I lifted my top, so that he could feel the sun?s warmth through my bump. A favourite game I used to play was when having a shower, turn the water on cold, and the put it on my bump, and my babies would wriggle around to get away from it, and then I?d chase them with it. Those memories I treasure.
Nobody could be sure Ciaran wouldn?t die in utero, and I wished so hard that he?d make it to the end of my pregnancy. At my 18-week scan, Ciaran?s liquor volume had decreased enormously, and the doctors were more certain than ever that he wasn?t going to live. They told us that because there was no liquor, then his lungs would be unable to develop. They said that even if he did have limited lung function, then he would have very severe renal problems, and would most likely die from them. If he was lucky enough to live, then he'd need a kidney transplant as soon as was possible. His chances really weren't good. We knew the odds were stacked against him, but we willed him to prove them all wrong and live. When we went for a scan at 22 weeks, the doctors became very excited as they saw Ciaran?s bladder contracting ? the doctor said that he had never seen a baby with this condition do this before. Sadly, further tests showed that although Ciaran?s bladder was contracting as he was trying to push the urine from his bladder, because there was no urethral opening the urine was going back up into his kidneys. It broke our hearts to see him fighting so much to be here, to live, and we prayed to every God there was that our ?little man? would pull through and prove those doctors wrong.
Sadly, he didn?t. I went into premature labour at 28 weeks gestation, and my two beautiful sons were born on the 9th September 2004, delivered by emergency c-section as they were both breech. Ciaran weighing 2lb 4oz, was born first, followed three minutes later by his little brother Brennan, weighing 2lb 14oz. They were both whisked of to special care, and we feared that we would loose them both. When we asked how Ciaran was doing, we were told ?He?s holding his own? My heart leapt ? I really thought he was going to be alright. I thought my prayers had been answered and he was going to live ? I knew that if he survived ? if he lived, then we could face anything ? absolutely anything, because we had him.
Minutes later though, the paediatric consultant came in and said that Ciaran was very, very ill, and was going to die and he thought it would be kinder to just let him go peacefully, rather than prolonging his suffering. He asked for our permission to withdraw treatment. As much as it broke our hearts, we had to agree. What else could we do? They brought him to us, and we held him so close and told him we loved him. Holding him, I felt like I had the world in my hands. Knowing that he was dying, it felt like my heart would literally break in two, everything was just happening so fast, I just wanted to keep holding him forever. He died in his daddy?s arms after an hour and forty - two minutes of life. He fought so bravely, and we were so proud of him, but it was time for him to go. A huge part of me went with him that morning.
We were allowed to have him with us for two days after he had died ? we could have had him longer? but the longer we had him?the harder it was to let him go. Holding him so close, I whispered all the things I?d longed to tell him ? how much we loved him, how he?d changed our lives in the short time we?d had him, how proud we were that he?d chosen us as his mummy and daddy, and most importantly of all, how we would never ever let Brennan forget that he had a big brother.
My Sons were born 120 miles away from home as our local hospital had no NICU beds available for them when I?d gone into labour, and we decided that we would hold Ciaran?s funeral when Brennan was well enough to be transferred back to Swansea. When that day came, we set about organising Ciaran?s service. We had already chosen his casket, and nearly everything we wanted for him ? it was quite surreal, choosing a pram for one baby, and a casket for the other. We knew we wanted Ciaran buried as it was important for us to have somewhere to go to, and we felt that it would be important for Brennan to have somewhere to go, too. During my pregnancy, i'd knitted a shawl for Ciaran, i'm not much of a knitter, and it had more holes in it than a sieve, but i'd made it for him, and he was wrapped in it. We also placed photo's of everyone that had loved him, in his coffin with him. There was teddies and letters that myself and other family members had written for him in there too. He was so so loved. So wanted and so loved - you both were.
The day of his funeral arrived - Friday October 1st. It?s quite hazy, but from what I can remember, it went beautifully. We had a small service, our close family and friends where there ? all the people that had known and loved Ciaran. We chose a poem that was sent to us by a friend ? ?When Tomorrow Starts Without Me?, and I can recite it word for word.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me.
When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me,
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me, I know you miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand.
And said my place was ready, in heaven, far above,
And that I had to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
For my life had not long started, and I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, so much to learn and do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the times to come, the good one's and the bad,
I thought of all the love we'd share, it made me feel so sad.
If I could spend just one day, or even a little while,
I'd tell you how I love you, and I'd show you my big smile.
But then I fully realised, that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home,
When God looked down and smiled at me, upon his golden throne.
'This is eternity' He said, 'and all I've promised you,
Today for life on earth is passed, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
And since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past.
My child, you were so special, I had to set you free,
So won't you take my loving hand, and share my life with me?'
So when tomorrow starts without me Mummy, don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.
After the burial, we went straight to the hospital to be with you, Brennan. It was soothing to be so close to you. After leaving the hospital, we drove down to the beach where we used to go to hear the waves crashing and pounding ? the tide was right in, and there was a big full moon, it was reflected on the water, which was completely flat. It was breathtakingly beautiful. For the first time in a long, long time, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace.
So that's Ciaran's story. Reading it again, just over four years later, it's like it was only yesterday. I can still feel the tiny weight of him in my arms as i cradled him and bathed him in my tears, i still remember the little dimple in his chin that his brother has too. I miss him.