Cole's thread for bereaved muumies: like the sands on the beach that never wash away. I watch over my surviving mum, who thinks of me each day.

[ILikeToMoveItMoveIt]

Welcome to our santuary and haven ladies.

Many thanks for Frasersmummy for passing the baton onto Cole and I. I am touched and hope I can do all our lo's justice.

For any people wanting to join, don't be shy. We cry, we rant, we smile, we laugh - whatever we feel like we need to do.

Just typed a really good message and lost the bloody thing.....Good night god bless girls, see you in the morning. xxxxx

Morning girls xxx

Hi all.......... we've been shopping with my mum! Wilf was so upset that Woolies was shut! He was however very excited to find the video of Dunston Checks In, which we have watched this afternoon it is very funny! Wilf particularly like it when the monkey is rude!! Tonight Emily is in charge and I'm going out for birthday drinks with Antonia.

Hello, I've not posted on here before. One of my twin boys was stillborn 6 years ago and I've since had two more little boys, 4 and a newborn.

I've always been open with the boys about their brother but I'm getting to the stage where its becoming hard to answer their questions. So far, they only know that he was poorly and the doctors tried to save him but he was too ill and died.

The trouble is, the details of what happened would be pretty terrible for them to know, especially the surviving twin. They've also started asking exactly why the doctors couldn't help - I think because ds3 has some health issues (hopefully very minor) and ds2 (4) has confessed he's worried the doctors won't make him better.

I think I need some help to explain things to them - I'm feeling very overwhelmed that I can't explain properly, added to which having a newborn has brought back lots and lots of sad feelings I thought I'd dealt with.

Has anyone tried counselling services aimed at children/siblings?

I'm sorry if this has been answered loads of times, I'm just feeling so sad and worried I don't have enough answers for them. TIA xx

Welcome to the thread....dont apologise...that is
what we are all here for to help and support each other.......when you asked for advice for support can i suggest you contact Winstons Wish? They support children who have lost someone from within the family. They helped my ds when he lost his father/granddad/carer.
www.winstonswish.org.uk/

The picture of Fireman Wilf is now on my profile!!

Ah thank you, I'd heard of them because I watched a programme ages ago about children bereaved after the suicide of a parent, but I didn't realise they also helped siblings. I'll have a good read through the website - thanks again.

Hi Greenlawn - glad you are here, sorry that you have to be BUT you are in the company of smashing ladies.

Our DS1 was 7 months old when his twin died and 10 when his little brother was killed. We took him to a child psychiatrist - she was his lifesaver - she literally rescued him from his own personal hell. Think a counsellor would be perfect for all the family.

So sad to hear about your loss - you are like me 4 darling sons....xxxxxx

Thanks Shabster. I'm sorry for all your losses, all of the mummies on this thread, I hate that so many good people have been through so much.

I think counselling definitely saved me, my main worry is that my surviving twin may blame himself when he finds out the details, and I dread him putting two and two together. Even if a professional could help by telling me HOW to say it, that would help all of us.

Thanks again.

I think a professionals advice would be a good idea. My DS1 - Danny (hes 27 now) did go through a lot of 'why wasn't it me' thoughts especially after his younger brother was killed. xx

Hi Greenlawn, so sorry to hear about your ds. Stick around if the thread feels comfy to you.

I wonder how I will react to Mac's questions about Cole. I'm hoping I will be ok as my niece and nephew (6&8) ask questions and I'm always open and truthful to them.

Does anyone else worry about putting your lost little one(s) on a pedestal and your other children feeling like they have such a big thing to live up to? This has crossed my mind a few times. How do you avoid it?

Oh, and a for FM

Hi Greenlawn - i have a survivng twin as well. Tis a strange thing, isn't it - coping with grief and having to be happy at the same time? My son knows all about his brother, and as he grows and asks questions then i'll make sure i can answer them as honestly as is possible.

Morning all xx

Morning my lovelys xx

Hi Shabs.......Wilfs back to school today! I dont really want him to go!
I had a good time last night...I didnt drink too much but had a lovely time. A friend of my Dads has moved back into our village ive known him since i was about 10 and it was lovely to catch up with him!!

Sounds like a good night Lottie - Awwwww Wilf seems to have been off school for ages - Tom was like that as well. He had a few days off before the Christmas holidays. xx

He has a new word too now Shabs.....he came up the other day and told me he had a "plublum" when i asked what the "problem" was he told me the poster on his wall had fallen off!!

forgot to add a

Wilf is great

Deemented, I'm sorry you lost one of your twins - how old is your surviving son? I've found that at 6 the questions are getting a bit more searching and I'm struggling for answers I just don't have. I've got by for years on "he was very poorly", and now its not enough. I wish I had the answers for myself but I don't!

You're right about trying to be happy for the survivor - I think for me the survival mechanism kicked in and I was able to push all the grief away so I could care for my survivor - but then of course a few months later it hit me like a train and it was 4 years before I felt able to even talk about it.

I always used to be very envious when I saw other people with twins.

Me too, still am - I have to hide any threads with "that word" in the title.

Not that I begrudge anyone what they have, but it takes me back to how utterly overjoyed I was to find out I was having them

When Danny (my surviving twin) had his first school picture done I cried for a week. Wanted there to be two little lads on it. This Christmas really brought it home to me, and we are many years down this crappy path. I had my mum and dad, Danny, his partner Em and their baby all at my house. I kept thinking I should have four boys sat around this table. 3 of them with partners and maybe their children. I just kept looking at Danny (27 years old) and Tom (11 years old) and wanting to paddy! Kept wanting to shout out 'Its not pissing fair, I have tried all my life to be a good person, and this is whats happened) But of course I smiled and served up grub all day.