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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Cole's thread for bereaved muumies: like the sands on the beach that never wash away. I watch over my surviving mum, who thinks of me each day.

1000 replies

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 08/01/2009 09:41

Welcome to our santuary and haven ladies.

Many thanks for Frasersmummy for passing the baton onto Cole and I. I am touched and hope I can do all our lo's justice.

For any people wanting to join, don't be shy. We cry, we rant, we smile, we laugh - whatever we feel like we need to do.

OP posts:
cherrymonster · 19/02/2009 00:58

hi, can i join this thread please? my darling first born was born asleep 11 years 11 weeks and six days ago. he was born at 43 weeks and weighed 8lb 5oz. His name was Robert John. Robert after my grandfather who died when i was 3 months pregant, and John after my father who thankfully is still here today. I have only just discovered this thread, and after watching a film tonight which brought back all the memories, it is just the thing i need. so sorry for all your losses, i agree with what i have been told, nothing in the world is more painful than losing a child, thankfully i have gone on to have more little darlings, but i still think about my angel every day.

shabster · 19/02/2009 07:52

Good morning girls xx

'Welcome' to our special thread Cherry - as we always say, Wish we didn't have to meet like this but you will find support and wonderful, like minded, ladies on here.

So very sorry for your loss of Robert John.xx

Original poster
ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 19/02/2009 08:02

Hi cherrymonster, welcome to our haven. As Shabs said, sorry we had to meet like this.

There certainly isn't anything worse than losing a child and I think that's what makes us such strong ladies.

All my love to you and Robert.

Join in. Have a cry, have a rant, have a laugh. This thread covers every emotion going

OP posts:
shabster · 19/02/2009 08:28

Hiya Moveit - just noticed we have over 850 messages on our thread!! We also love gabbing Cherry

travellingwilbury · 19/02/2009 08:33

Good morning all

Welcome Cherry , I am sorry for the loss of Robert John .

travellingwilbury · 19/02/2009 08:35

My computer is a bit buggered . My two yr old has spent some productive time removing some buttons from my lap top . Not entirely sure how to fix it so wish me luck .

Hope everyone is ok this morning . I have got an exciting day of food shopping ahead . We are supposed to be going to a farm park but it is raining .

shabster · 19/02/2009 08:40

TW - dont you just appreciate the help of a 2 yr old Lew has found our Dannys laptop as he is now a proficient crawler!! Lewis that is, not my 27yr old!! Danny almost blew a gasket because he put his finger under a couple of the letter keys and flipped them right off We all tried to do the same thing but couldnt!!

lottiejenkins · 19/02/2009 11:50

Hi all, am having a really crap morning....I think Wilf has impetigo AGAIN. If so he cant go back to school and he isnt at all happy about it..........

Milliways · 19/02/2009 12:25

Can I ask on here about the "right" things to say to a friend who has just lost her 18 yr old son? He had severe special needs so her whole life has been devoted to his care, and he has now gone. The funeral is this afternoon.

It is soo hard when we have children the same age who are now driving cars, getting ready for Uni etc. I just don't know how to start a conversation.

travellingwilbury · 19/02/2009 13:02

Hi Milliways , I am sorry to hear about your friends son .

I think the best thing someone said to me was that they had no idea what to say but they were there and ready to listen to me .

Sometimes just saying sorry and giving her a hug is all it will take to get her talking . Today will be such a hard day and if she has been his carer as well then she has also been made redundant so to speak .

The fact that you are worried about what to say and are asking tells me that you will know the words when you see her .

The one thing I will say is she probably won't say too much today but maybe make a date with her today to go and see her next week and have a proper chat .

I hope today goes as well as it can for you all

cherrymonster · 19/02/2009 13:31

hi everyone, thanks for your kind words. it was a long time ago now, and i am doing well. today has been interesting shall we say- the kids have been driving me mad because i'm tired, and they are bored and i just dont feel like going out.

shabster · 19/02/2009 14:33

Milliways - just hugging your friend would be wonderful. Most people avoided me after the boys died....I would see people detouring around the town when they saw me!! I knew it was because they didnt know what to say. Can I suggest that you meet up with her once a week? After the funeral other people expect bereaved mums to start 'getting over it!' There is no such thing as getting over it - think the phrase should be changed to 'learning to live with it' which is almost as bad

Call in to see her whenever you can....I know that I went into a kind of limbo after my sons funerals and needed a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Still do to be honest and many, many years have passed. That is why I find our special thread so helpful xx

hazygirl · 19/02/2009 14:48

big hugs to everyone, and shabs its so right how people avoid you after, another thing is when people seem to think you should just get on with it, jaydens name isnt allowed to be mentioned in inlaws house,they even say lets change subject, my fil never met jayden has never been to where he is buried and it breaks my dh heart, but dh is determined that hes changed the pattern,yes my kids arent perfect but im proud of all three of them , and them lovely little girls that have kept me going for last two years.
big hugs to everyone x

shabster · 19/02/2009 14:51

Hiya Hazy - my in laws were the same! They talked amongst themselves about how 'strange' I was to keep hanging the boys Christmas stockings (with their names on) up every year. I dont understand the 'not talking about them' way of thinking.

I talk about Matt and Gareth every single day - I talk 'to them' as well!!

hazygirl · 19/02/2009 15:05

we do same i feel crappy atm with them ,full of cold still,bloody chest infection for third week running,things can only get better.
i talk to jayden all the time,sometimes i think hes only one that listens iykwim

shabster · 19/02/2009 15:09

I know exactly what you mean Hazy xx

Deemented · 19/02/2009 15:49

TW - just seen your message - thank you so so much - will get on to them now - thanks for taking the time to do this for me - i really appreciate it.

hazygirl · 19/02/2009 16:01

good luck dee i hope they can help you,fingers crossedx

shabster · 19/02/2009 16:01

My fingers are crossed here in Bolton as well Dee - let us know wont you?

Deemented · 19/02/2009 16:22

Have just spoken with a lady who said that although they don't actually do bereavement counselling services from there, there is another possible way for me to get Boyo referred. I explained the change in his behaviour, the agression and anger and she said i should go back to my doctor and ask for him to be referred to see someone on the grounds that his behaviour has changed considerably and that once he's seen by someone then they will obviously get to the bottom of why his behaviour has changed. Does that make sense?

It's worth a shot, so am going to make him an appointment to see the doctor as soon as possible, and fingers crossed that the doctor will refer him and that the psych services agree to see him.

Thanks again for helping me with this you lot - you cant imagine how much it means. You guys are ruddy fab.

travellingwilbury · 19/02/2009 17:02

I really hope they manage to get you referred . I can't think of any possible reason why they wouldn't and my friend said she deals with similar so couldn't understand why they didn't .

Original poster
ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 19/02/2009 19:33

cherry - we're here for a chat and for you to let off steam whenever you want to.

Milliways - apart from the utter grief your friend must be going through, she will also feel like she has no purpose as her role of carer has gone too. When she's ready to face the world, make sure you and your friends are around to keep her busy. Also talk about her son, now and in the future. One of the worst parts of losing a child is thinking everyone else has forgotten about them and doesn't mention them. You're a good friend

Dee - I'm glad to hear you might be getting somewhere.

Travelling - am I right in thinking you haven't started one of our threads? If so I would like to pass the baton onto you and Harry once this thread has finished.

OP posts:
shabster · 19/02/2009 20:34

Awwww Move it - I love how FMN and Eris started passing the baton on.....it always makes me a bit tearful when the time comes around.

shabster · 19/02/2009 22:31

Oh I wish I knew how to type 'quietly' I have made the mistake of watching the Channel 4 documentary on the conjoined twins Faith and Hope....oh shite we live in a cruel, weird world.

travellingwilbury · 20/02/2009 06:36

Good morning all

I Like , thank you so much for passing on the baton . You will all have to stop talking so much now so I can think of a title

I am feeling all honoured

Shabs , why do we do it ? I only saw a wee bit of it but it was so sad . So much for such a young couple to have to go through

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