Cole's thread for bereaved muumies: like the sands on the beach that never wash away. I watch over my surviving mum, who thinks of me each day.

[ILikeToMoveItMoveIt]

Welcome to our santuary and haven ladies.

Many thanks for Frasersmummy for passing the baton onto Cole and I. I am touched and hope I can do all our lo's justice.

For any people wanting to join, don't be shy. We cry, we rant, we smile, we laugh - whatever we feel like we need to do.

Thanks xxx

Oh sweets - sorry i posted my last post before i saw your reply.

You sound wrung out, Lottie - like you're raw and empty. It's hard isn't it? You sound like you need someone to give you a big hug, run you a warm bath and feed you copious ammounts of chocolate

Two funerals in one day... well one is bad enough... and of course you can't help but remember the one that changed your world forever.

Nothing i can say really... can only empathise with how you're feeling, and to tell you that although you may feel lonely - you're not alone.

Thanks..........im sitting here with a glass of wine........am going to go to bed soon.......

A glass of wine sounds great - i'd love to join you in a Jack Daniels - but i've packed it in a box somewhere!!!

I don't know about you, but i often find that grief can be relentless... that it's quite often like walking along a beach... sometimes the grief laps at your toes, but you can walk out of it through choice... and sometimes a big rouge wave catches you unawares and drags you under.

I'm thinking about bed soon too... but i'm quite comfortable sat here and don;t really want to move...

I know how you feel.................thanks for being there...........night xx

I have read today's posts and can see that so many of us are struggling at the moment. Sending bits of strength and peace to you all.

TravellingW - You are not alone. I always felt that Billie was just too good for me to keep. It sounds terrible because does that mean I think my boys arnt? But I always just thought - how can I possibly kept this beautiful child?

Take care all of you.

Morning girls xxx

Morning all........xx Not sure i like this new style MN im having trouble reading the threads as the pages are too wide...........

I was just thinking thaat too, Lottie - i may revert back to the old type board...

Quick quick tell me how do i do that??

Well - i tried, but it's not working for me - go into customize at the top of your screen...

Nor me.....Im going to contact MN...........

I 'lost it' yesterday Ems had to go into the school she works in to arrange her date for returning after maternity leave.

Lew came to ours - like he did last Thursday. For the first few minutes after she went he was fine. Then he started rubbing his eyes and looked tired out.

He is teething and it is obviously causing him loads of pain. He started to cry, then scream, then thrash about - he wouldnt let either me or his Grandad hold him or anything.

I picked him up and popped him on my shoulder. He screamed and screamed. Then he started holding his breath. When I looked at his face it was like a scary film. He was Gareth. Just his Uncle Gareth. He had gone a little bit blue around his mouth because of the breath holding. In my head I was saying 'please God dont let him be poorly, please God dont let him be poorly.

I blew in his face and he did stop. He screamed like that for 2 whole hours. At one point I was crying with him. then I went into the kitchen and had a massive panick attack. I finally got him to sleep. When he woke up Ems was back and he was a happy lad.

How the hell am I going to look after him? I feel so stupid that I couldnt help a 7 month old baby. I always thought I was quite a good mum but realised yesterday Im not

HAZY - I think you are the only other Gran on here. Have you any advice? I cant keep freaking out just because he looks like my twin son........I feel pathetic just reading this post.

I take my hat off to you bereaved mums who have new babies. Yes, I know I did it but time has passed and I cant remember feeling like this before.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} for you Shabs xx

Thanks Lottie - maybe Hazy has felt like this - hope she posts soon......I feel very stupid!

Shabs you did everything right as far as I can see and even when you freaked out you did it in the kitchen . Anyone who has got a 7month old has had a couple of horrendous hours like that with them , I know I have , I just choose to forget about those times .

I used to look at a cousin of Harrys (she was born 6wks after he died ) and she really took my breath away sometimes how similar she looked and it used to freak me out too . But as she got that bot older and her personality started to come out I stopped seeing Harry in her .

You will do a great job , and there are bound to be a couple of "moments" that take you back but you WILL get through them .

Thanks TW - OMG it was awful. I was ok till he put his head back and looked at me.....lovely red hair, massive blue eyes.......it was my baby Gareth all over again. Having another bloody cry now - I am so good at pretending I am fine...it just didn't work yesterday xxxx

You don't need to pretend , a lot of this stuff is stupidly hard and you will cope but you shouldn't have to cope with it all .

Its all too much sometimes and you have to let yourself have a good old sob every now and then .

You are not bloody superwoman you know

Pretty close I admit

You just made me laugh TW thanks love! Not Superwoman just somebody who is walking our crappy path - and you are right none of us should have to be doing this xx

No we shouldn't but we have come this far and with the odd sob and hand hold we will get a lot further .

How you feeling now ?

Just knackered love. I had forgotten how hard it is looking after a baby. When my DIL came home I hugged her and told her what a fab mum she is....she told me he gets like that at least twice a week and it used to worry and panick her but she is used to him now. She is a lovely girl and feels like my daughter. Think I will have a brew and watch Jeremy Kyle to prove to myself that life could be worse

Thanks for your support TW I needed that this morning xxxxxxxxxx

I am glad I was here

Enjoy Jeremy won't you ? (yuck yuck )

It will make you feel better about your own life that is true

hi shabs when jayden died i couldnt go out,i was so scared i never wanted that hurt again, i saw mental health for ages,the person i was went ,i used to be so cheerful giddy,replaced by me,at times i feel so bloody miserable,i still feel we let dd down we couldnt save jayden,we tried so bloody hard ,everyone did.
i felt awful my dd was in pieces ,i did all i could for my dd ,the grandchildren made me survive i had to carry on to make sure they were ok,my eldest granddaughter made me ,shed come in and say grandma why you crying again,she kept me going at four bless her.
then dd midwife saw me in shops and asked how i was with new baby coming,i didnt know ,dd douldnt tell me,shabs i was gutted prayed it wasnt a boy,i couldnt do it.
granddaughter was born,i was so scared,we all were ,it took a long time for dd to part with her,to let her out of her sight,the first time i looked after her,at a few weeks,she had breathing monitor attached to her pram ,a constant reminder,we had to all be trained in resus by cot death foundation,when out first time i was so scared prayed that alarm never went off a nd we be where we were before.
shabs 16 mth later,she toodles in here and rules the roost,shes bloody amazing and my god do i love her ,its not easy shabs but lewis will get used to you ,they pick upon us been nervous and make us pay for it.
youll be brillant and soon have that wonderful bond that will stay forever,enjoy that little man,ours too is double of her brother ,same hair, eyes and squashed nose,sounds stupid but im glad cos i feel i will know what jayden looks like now,hope you know what i mean and dont think im too madxx
hugs to you shabs you can do itxxxxxxxxxx

Oh Hazey thank you for your words. I knew you would know what I meant. I feel so peed off that I couldnt handle it yesterday. So petrified all the time that something is going to happen to him. This is not the real shabbs - the real shabbs is a total optimist and knows everything is going to work out just fine.

This shabbs (the imposter!) is nervous, scared of her own shadow and keeps crying at the most stupid of things.

Gonna kick myself up my own arse bum and get my chin back up. The good thing is that he was grinning at me after a couple of hours and laughing out loud when I picked him up and danced with him to his favourite song - he loves Beautiful girl by Sean Kingston.

Shabs you are a fab granny doing a great job. Sending you big hugs from dreary Sheffield.