Cole's thread for bereaved muumies: like the sands on the beach that never wash away. I watch over my surviving mum, who thinks of me each day.

[ILikeToMoveItMoveIt]

Welcome to our santuary and haven ladies.

Many thanks for Frasersmummy for passing the baton onto Cole and I. I am touched and hope I can do all our lo's justice.

For any people wanting to join, don't be shy. We cry, we rant, we smile, we laugh - whatever we feel like we need to do.

Lottie that is good news about Wilfs test

I have got a busy day here today , we have got a load of people round on sat and a couple staying so I really should make sure the house isn't looking a tip

I have also got a little boy coming round to play after school , first time he has been round and I haven't met the mum yet so we have to meet at the school today . I feel like I am having a blind date or something .

Hazy so glad your DS is doing so well. Im really proud of him.

Lottie - chuffed to bits that Wilfs blood tests are ok.

lottie so glad wilfs test clear,one worry less and hope funeral goes ok,my aunts is on monday she was 66 and so sudden ,heart attack ,im gonna realy try lose some weight it has quite scared me ,im very overweight now ,piled on so much in last two years as sweet things cheer me up and dont go out much now just work,got grandkids today so surely must be good exercise.
good luck with playdate i love it when little ones get together the conversations are hilarious.

I am off shopping with Alison in the rain this afternoon! I need to buy my mum a belated birthday present...........see you all later.

Evening everyone........its been quiet here tonight!!

Hi everyone.

Lottie - thats brilliant news about Wilfs results. You must be so relieved.

Hope everyone else is okay. xxx

Good morning all , I know its a bit early for a serious question but here goes (please feel free to ignore )

I always "knew " that I wouldn't have Harry with me forever , just a feeling , and intuition . I didn't dwell on it and I don't remember giving it much head space . Far too scary to admit to myself probably but I definetly felt differently about him than I do my other two . I could never imagine too far into the future with him . I had no idea it would happen at such a stupidly early age but I do think I someone knew he wasn't going to be around forever .

I have spoken to a couple of bereaved mums who have said the same as me so my question is . Did you "know " ? Or am I slightly more nuts than I thought ?

Morning TW

Somewhere, in the far corner of my mind, I knew that Gareth would not make it. I knew for sure he wouldn't when the Doctor remarked on the massive weight difference (only 3lb but massive when you are that tiny) when the twins were about 5 months old. I always knew but I never, ever admitted it.

As for our Matt - no I never had the slightest clue. He came along to bring back the sunshine after the loss of Gareth....and he did a fab job of it!

...and, TW, if you are mad then can I come and join your gang?

Of course you can I think we are both paid up members already .

Its just a weird feeling . I often think about it and would never be able to talk to anyone about it apart from another bereaved parent . Its not something you want to actually voice anyway and also I am pretty sure others would just think it was a hindsight thing . But it was a real feeling , like you I never admitted even to myself but there was always a sense of making the most of each day with him .

I am sure that Matt knew! He was dyslexic and struggled to read and write. He was so funny because he used to say (his speech was very delayed so I will write it like he used to say it) 'Mam I cant wead and I cant wite but me not bowvered - I just wike girls.'

He lit up a room with his smile. He appreciated cute little girls. He used to love dirty jokes. A simple fart would have him doubled up with laughter. He lived every day as if it was his last. His favourite line was 'Mam you have to gwab every day by the balls and shake it.'

The night before he was killed he came into our room and said 'Mam theres a boy in my room who wooks just wike our Danny - he keeps asking me to go with him.' I just said 'You are having a bad dream love' and took him back to bed. Why did I not listen to him? Why did I let him play out the day afterwards? Why?

That must give you shivers Shabs just thinking about Danny coming to see Matt . It must give you some comfort as well at times to know they are together . Small bloody comfort I know but still worth grabbing .

The whys and what ifs are the hardest thing I think to deal with . I know I have spent a long long time going over the day and wishing and wondering why I dealt with things the way I did and wanting to go back and change things but at the time I did what I thought was the best thing and thats all any of us can do . I do think that even if they had been grown up and living in a different town we would blame ourselves . The price we pay for being a mum I suppose .

I am sorry to be so serious so early by the way , its just something I have been pondering for a while .

I am going to grab this day by the balls and give it a good old shake

make sure you shake the days balls very hard TW xxx

And you

I think your Matt and Wilf would have got on like a house on fire

Morning all... I think Matt and Wilf would have got on well too!!

Matt and Dan had a friend who had spina bifida. Vicky used to ask Matt if he would marry her! He used to pinch her walking frame at nursery and wander round with it - she used to really shout at him and he would just grin from ear to ear.

Just before his accident we went to visit Vicky. Danny and Matt asked if they could take her down to the park. By this time Vicky was in a wheelchair.

We could hear them screaming and Matt laughing so loud. We went to the end of my friends garden and had a look what they were doing. They were on the tennis courts - Danny on one side of the net serving the ball whilst Matt had Vicky tipped right back in the wheelchair and he was running with her. Vicky was screaming 'put me down, put me down' Matt actually wet himself laughing that day.

He also argued with the attendant who took the money for the hire of the court. He said 'You cant take any money off us - my fwends wegs dont work so you have to wet us off paying!'

Hi girls, sorry I haven't had much of a chance to post recently.

So sorry for those who have funerals to attend. They are never a picnic, but I hope they go well.

TW - Cole became ill very suddenly and from the first symptoms of very slight jaundice in his eyes to being in PICU on a ventilator then having his first transplant was 10 days. It was everyones nightmare come true. When he was first admitted into PICU I had a very strong premonition that I had to text my friends and tell them that Cole had died. As it was, Cole made it through the first transplant and 3 others. We breathed a sigh of relief after the first transplant and I guiltily remembered my premonition. However I never quite forgot that premonition, and 7 months later it came true

frasersmummy and feedmenow - I hope you are both ok. I'm thinking of you and hope to see you here soon xxx

big hugs girls it strange but the night jayden died was the first time i thought he was doing so well,he was properly chuckling,laughing and looking at us ,i said to dh,here you hold him,hes not fussed over holding them when tiny,he didnt hold him,his big regret in life is that,it was like he was saying goodbye,ill never forget that last night,the next time dh held him my dd was screaming at dh ,make him breathe dad, i know you can do it,the only time we have let her down, i reached out to his tiny toes and knew we had lost him forever.
i saw him again at the hospital,the next day he looked so peaceful,then he had to go away for pm,two weeks later he came back,we visited at undertakers his eyes so wide open ,i try to shut time and time again.it realy upset me that they wouldnt shut but we never talked about it.
last year i went with dd to see a spirtualist who came through with a message but ended up with he wants to know grandma why did you keep trying to shut my eyes,i wanted them open so i could see you as long as i could,this message proved to me he is around ,it brought a lot of comfort.

Oh Hazy

Evening all.........Mum and i got in the car to go to the funeral this morning and there was a white feather on the handbrake.......My mum didnt know the significance of white feathers till i explained to her and i think it affected her more than she liked to say...... The second funeral this afternoon was packed they had to put extra seats in the aisle to fit every one in........The guy whos funeral it was, was an amazing artist.....
www.picturecraftgallery.com/artistkevincurtis.htm
The second picture with the purple thistles and the daisies was on the front of the service sheet.......

I forgot to say when my aunts coffin left the church this lunchtime it went out to Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum.....

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=9bplEcbzjME

Anyone about?????

Yeah, i'm around and about, Lottie - you ok?

Not really.............

Oh love - i'm here to listen if you want to talk. Just take your time, sweets.

Its just been a hard day today with both the funerals.........i found it very difficult... Then when i got home this evening by books had arrived from the book people and Gloria Hunnifords new book was in there and i sat a started to read that,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Lottie? Big hugs x